The Setup

After putting the dogs out, we decided to ramp-up and tackle the big-daddy of the monster movie: Vampires. Another of the vast ever-expanding legion of the undead, the blood-sucker is by far the most popular of the creatures of the night. With tales as varied as outright goregazmic horror flicks to equally vomit-inducing romantic comedies, the Vampire has been a mainstay of movie houses for as long as there have been moving pictures.

With all the films, television series, novels, comics, video games, poems, haikus, and pamphlets out there, Vampires can still be broken down into two essential categories when they show up in a story.

The “sexy” Vampire (Interview with a Vampire, Blade, The Hunger, pretty much all of the Dracula films)

Watch out kiddies! These Vamps are a walking cavalcade of corpsified-hottness. Vampires of this variety are frequently found in high society, and mixing their Bloody Marys with real celebutants named “Mary”. In between feedings they’re out there seducing their next meal. Though I’m not entirely sure, I think it’s still considered necrophilia if you bone one of these things, even if they are a bit more mobile than your average non-breathing bed partner.

Depending on the story, they also have varying levels of angst over their condition. Some of them can be downright whiny. Oh, they’ll still rip your throat out, but they’ll probably feel really bad about it afterwards.

The blood-sucking Fiend (30 Days of Night, Nosferatu, Salem’s Lot, John Carpenter’s Vampires)

These guys don’t f^©% around. They quite simply want eat your face in the most direct way possible. With drained bodies piled in stacks in the corner, fleshy bits a dangling; these leeches with legs aren’t big on appearances. This extends to their personal appearance as well. Having traded their humanity for an eternal nighttime obsession with protein shakes made from your organs, they have more than simple sharp pointy teeth. Varying degrees of batty mutation are the order of the day. Also: they tend to be messy eaters, especially in the case of 30 Days of Night. Seriously, if you’re turned into one of these beasties, you’ll need to keep two things handy: A plastic surgeon and a bib.

The Formula

Considering the sheer number of Vampire flicks out there, and how diverse they are in genre, it’s still rather common for them to stick to a certain number of conventions. First and foremost, there’s almost always an innocent, naïve (and nubile) female in the story, even in the cases where the main Vampire is a female herself. This, of course, tends to lead to the eroticism in many of these tales.

Next, there’s always a temptation. Either the afore-mentioned nubile one is being led down the dark path of the bloodsucker (no metaphors there, noooo), or the angsty vamp is trying to hold back the dark urge to ravage his lady-love (again, metaphor free…really). No matter the tale, they always have to play to the addictive appeal of the red stuff to those fluffy blood bunnies.

Of course, there’s always the scene where they establish the rules of the Vamps in that particular tale. As is getting to be the standard, in the past it was all magic and curses, with garlic, crosses, silver, and sunlight all equally effective. Plus the old-school detection method of non-reflectivity was still commonly useful. This all changes when we get to the post-modern era of horror movies. These days most are some differing species or blood-born infectious disease, cast reflections and have no specific food or religious allergies. But no matter the overall rules of the Vampires in the film in question, they all seem to have an aversion to sunlight, with the distinct exception of Dracula in the Frances Ford Coppola version. The sun just made him don some truly snazzy sunglasses. Reflection or no, boy was pimpin’!

The Menu

The Booze: Bloody Mary Bloody Marys are both tricky and awesome for the simple fact that no matter how much vodka you put in there, you’ll never taste it. The breakfast choice of alcoholics everywhere, it’s even better when you throw in that Tabasco!

The Snacks: Anti-Vampire Popcorn, Pizza

We know. But we didn’t have a lot of time to prepare, and we stuck with the fact that pizza is loaded with garlic as our theme. Call us lazy, but we like our pizza. If you want to go the extra mile, check out Penn and Teller’s How to Play with your Food, for a great bleeding heart jello thingy.

The Movies

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1993): There’s trash, there’s operatic trash, and then there’s this. Helmed by Frances Ford Coppola, this version of the tale promises to be more accurate to Bram Stoker’s original than any other. This film became an instant cult classic, simultaneously boosting the career of Gary Oldman into the stratosphere while tarnishing the careers of everyone else involved.

30 Days of Night (2007): Based on the grim and gritty (if a bit shallow) comic written by Steve Niles, this film is less about atmospheric horror and more about grabbing you by the guts, and ripping your throat out. Directed by David Slade and starring Josh Harnett, this film is fine as long as you have no internal sense of logic. Seriously, the lead actor keeps saying “why did this happen?” and “this makes no sense” in the audio commentary. Sounds perfect for a cavalcade, no? We’ll see.

Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000): This film marks two firsts for the Cavalcade, the first direct official sequel (Return of the Living Dead doesn’t really count for numerous reasons), and the first anime. Following the amazing Vampire Hunter D, this movie was co-financed by an American studio, so it’s production values are fairly high, with some decent American dubs. But is it right for the Cavalcade?

Suggested Alternatives

Due to the popularity of these creatures, we certainly weren’t lacking for choices. The primary problem was the fact that there were simply too many choices. Everybody had their own list of required viewing, and no two were identical. Off the top for the more schlocky choices: Dracula 2000 (2000-natch), produced by Wes Craven, this movie brings the traditional Dracula tale into the modern age with plenty of eye candy. Jennifer Esposito, Jeri Ryan, and Justine Waddell are certainly are a joy to look at (and a young Gerard Butler just for you ladies), and the twist they throw on batty’s origin is interesting, but the rest of the film suffers from a distinct “meh” complex. Next up is the kick-ass Blade (1998) that was followed by the amazing Blade II (2002). Both are highly enjoyable and great for a cavalcade. The less said about Blade: Trinity (2004), the better. Also, I would be entirely remiss if I didn’t mention Love at first Bite (1979) with George Hamilton playing an amazingly well-tanned Dracula.