The Setup

There, out of the corner of your eye, in the dark of the night, lies the Ninja.

There, in the corner of every boy’s heart, in the dark of the theater, lies the Ninja.

There, in the corner of the bargain bin, in the dark of the video store, lies the Ninja.

While Zombies and Psycho Killers are the perennial haven of the low-budget horror movie, Ninjas were the go-to for the grindhouse martial arts  “epics” of the late 1970’s-early 80’s. First of all, the full-body costumes makes it easy to:

a) Use stuntmen for your leads in fights.

and

b) Use the same stuntmen over and over to fight said leads.

Secondly, the air of mystery surrounding the legends of the Ninja adds an extra layer of “cool” to your movie. It’s exactly that layer that made Ninja movie marathons on Saturday afternoons so much fun.  While all the other kids were outside playing, I was sitting on the couch, munching on dry cereal and watching someone take a Shuriken to the FACE.  My childhood was awesome!

So what kind of Ninja movies are there?

Good Ninjas Vs. Bad Ninjas (American Ninja, TMNT [yeah, we went there], Warring Clans )

The whole point of these movies is that a lone ninja/small band of ninjas has to take down another lone ninja/army of ninjas to save the village/city/world/lady love. A lot of times the Ninja will speak of how violence is only a last resort, before resorting to it A LOT of freaking violence, usually as a FIRST resort. You know, if movies teach us anything, it’s this:

Don’t f*#k with pacifists, man.

Good Ninja Vs. Everybody

(Enter the Ninja, Ninja III: Domination)

There’s very little difference between these movies and those that fall into the other category. The biggest being that, rather than tear through a dozen or so other ninjas before reaching the ultimate badass EEEEEVILE ninja, they instead tear through 3-or-4 dozen “generic” baddies before it’s established that only the ultimate badass EEEEEVILE ninja is strong enough to challenge them.

Formula

First things first, the opening of the movie will have to establish our hero’s (or heroine’s) “Ninja credentials”, because use of an unacredited Ninja violates the union by-laws of awesome. These scenes will either be the standard training montage sequences seen in other martial arts movies. Only, you know, ninjafied to include smoke bombs, shurikens, and…stuff.

Next up, we have to establish the rivalry between the Alpha Ninja  (protagonist), and the arch-nemesis. Frequently, they will have trained under the same master, and in some cases, have been friends. Then someone bogards the cheeze-whiz at a frat party, and everything goes to hell with feet/fists/swords-a-flyin’.

The Menu

Due to the origins of the Ninja, we’re going with a fairly Japanese feel with the Menu.

The Booze: Sake, Cyber Smoke

Since we’re bridging from Cyborg movies, and Ninjas rock the smoke bombs, we thought Orange Juice, Southern Comfort, and Lemon Vodka with a bit of Dry Ice might be the right way to go. Of course, Japanese beers or anything with a stealthy ninja-ish theme is a fine way to go as well.

The Food: Sushi

Sticking with the Japanese origins again. Usually the Ninjas in question are eating Rice Balls, which aren’t exactly a party food. Bonus points to anyone who makes cookies in the shape of shuriken.

The Movies

Learning our lesson from last month, we checked the availability of the movies on Amazon.com well ahead of time.

Kunoichi Lady Ninja (1998): Chicks with swords chop people up while flying through the air with the greatest of ease and shouting out attacks like “Nipple Shock Wave”. There’s been a lot of mixed word on this, so we’re not sure if it will rock the party or not.

American Ninja 4 (1991): When four Delta Force commandos are captured by an elite Ninja force in an African forest, rescue lies in the hands of a retired ex-operative who needs some persuasion – until the sinister enemy’s ultimate scheme of nuclear terrorism against an American target comes to light. It will take everything he’s got when a indestructible Super Ninja is unleashed for the ultimate showdown.

We will probably bring a third movie, in case either of these fail to entertain. Because, fortunately, there are plenty of alternatives!

Suggested Alternatives

Watari the Ninja Boy (1966):  How to describe this movie, save to say it had to have been written after someone injested psychidellic mushrooms? A child ninja battles animated pussy cats, and the jolly green giant!

Ninja Wars (1982): Throw this movie in to actually see some genuine badassery (What? That can be a word!), one Ninjette takes out 200 enemies in a skin-tight outfit that is not-at-all  anachronistic for the period. Besides, Sonny Chiba’s in it. If you don’t know who he is, you’re at the wrong site… But we’ll help you out: Hatori Hazo from Kill Bill, and you know, he was The Street Fighter (1974).

For details about the  Cavalcade Event, please check out the Facebook Event page.