The Setup

With the Halloween Event clearing the decks, and the Holiday Event right around the corner, we were left with the uniquely free month of November. Being unencumbered by any need to bridge the previous theme or setup the next, we elected to go for the underrepresented subject of Witches. This proved to be both interesting and difficult, as there aren’t a whole mess of movies to choose from. Especially since we ruled out anything with The Blair Witch right at the start. Full Moon has two full “Witch” series, but “Witchboard” doesn’t really involve witches at all, and the “Witchcraft” series has basically become soft-core porn. But let’s get back to the actual subject at hand, shall we?

For the purposes of our event, we’re really only looking at two kinds of Witches:

The Devil’s Concubines

(Suspiria, The Naked Witch, Warlock)

These women (and men) have made some kind of deal, usually through some kind of sex act in the more exploitative pictures, with El Diablo in exchange for powers both great and unnatural. Usually the price for such things involves Beezebubba’s favorite bit o’ the currency: Souls. However, sometimes other deals are struck, like having his baby.

The Wiccans

(Blair Witch [possibly])

Instead of acquiring power through devilish means, these witches commune directly with the spirit of the earth itself. Well, a spirit, at least. Gaia apparently has middle-management just like everybody else. Frequently these women are actually the protagonists of the pictures, unless they get jiggy with the wrong earth spirit and get all corrupted with power. But that only ever happens in every story.

The Formula

Wether the witches in said picture are the heroes or villains of the tale, the stories start off the same: Always in a quaint suburban setting, with a lot of trees and hills. It’s an idyllic town, by which of course I mean that everything is perfect on the surface, but a quagmire just beneath, such as in your average Tim Burton or David Lynch picture.

Teenage witches have to deal with all the high school story tropes: They’re an outsider, picked on and downtrodden by the usual assortment of jocks, popular kids, and bullies. Though frankly, that’s just about *any *movie with teenagers in it. But adult witches also tend to have similar stories. Considered unremarkable until infused with magical sensuality.

Then we have the “superhero” section of the film, where our characters revel in their power, taking advantage of it at every opportunity. This keeps on escalating until “The Turn”, where somebody goes to far-causing pain and liking it. The only difference between the films where the witch is the hero or villain is who takes the turn, in the former case it will be a close friend.

To be fair, lest you think these films are completely formulaic, a large section of devil’s concubine witches did their evil turn before the picture even started, and are thus only after souls or precious bodily fluids.

The Menu

The Booze:Witches Brew, Magic Hat no.9

While there are admittedly more than a few beers in the “witch” theme, we really wanted to have something we could stir up in a cauldron. Because we at the Cavalcade embrace stereotypes rather than flee from them.

The Food: Deviled Eggs, Black Cherries

We were a bit lost on the food, to be honest. However one of our guests had the inspired notion to bring a large bowl of Black Cherries, which was a direct reference to a scene in one of our selections for the night. This of course provides an excellent segue-way for…

The Movies

The Craft (1996): A fairly typical teen horror movie, only this time with witches! Scarily enough, this movie was a primary inspiration for the seven years worth of jiggly-goodness that was Charmed. It falls distinctly in the “wiccan” class of witch movies, and was actually one of the earlier movies to do so. You could call it a trailblazer in that sense, if only it wasn’t such a stupid film.

Witches of Eastwick (1987): Another silly one, but seeing as how it’s a comedy, it’s allowed to be. Featuring Jack Nicholson doing what he does best: Riffing on himself as the devil, the movie also features Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pheiffer, and a before-she-got-scary Cher as the suzy-homemakers who spread their legs for Jackie-boy. An enjoyable romp that put a whole new spin on “Have another cherry.”

Suggested Alternatives

The Witches (1966): After a run-in with some tribal witch-doctors, a school teacher accepts a position with a private school located in the quiet English countryside and run by a brother-sister team who seem nice enough. Of course, they aren’t all that nice after all, and before you know it there’s a dead kid and a voodoo doll.

Warlock (1989): Playing fast and loose with the witch-mythos, this strangely beloved B-movie developed quite the cult following for a while and generated 2 sequels that had pretty much nothing to do with the original. Featuring Julian Sands as the titular Warlock, it’s got time-travel, Satan worship, and tongue-biting. Quite the gore-fest actually.