Every week, our Drive-in Drive-by Columnist, John P. Higgins will turn his inexorable eye to the Dollhouse. Why? Because as much as many a fanboi (or gurl) may love Joss Whedon, he’s delved deep into the realm of schlock on this one, and hell-sometimes we need a guide. As usual, these will be full-on humorific synopsis-given in a fairly stream-of-consciousness style, so consider yourself spoiler-warned.-The Management

Synopsis

The show opens with Topher behind one those windows that people use to keep showers modest. He’s bloody and muttering:

TOPHER: I was just trying to help.

Cut to one year ago, where Sierra , the Human Gazelle, is scratching out a living selling things on a sunny beach somewhere. I can think of worse jobs. Her real name is actually Priya, and her real accent is Australian. She chitchats with the woman she shares he booth with, until a guy who dresses like it’s 1978 for no apparent reason saunters up and informs Priya that he would like her to make some art for him.

She coyly admits to not having a work visa, but he poo-poos that and promises money and fame. Jump ahead to a gallery show full of the sort of folks who make it hard to appreciate art, and Priya showing a large painting:

• GALLERY PATRON: I don’t think I have a reason to live if I can’t have one of your paintings for myself.
• SIERRA: Wow, you must have a really boring life.

Sierra isn’t having a good time at all, until she wanders into the make-out room where Dushku (Echo) introduces herself. They chit chat about art and how good an artist Sierra is, with Sierra insisting she’s not that great, and Dushku coming back with the great line “How good you are is history’s business.”

It cuts to further away, and Dushku’s dress is clearly very, very small (and possibly made of some sort of space-age rubber). The guy who is shamming Sierra into thinking people want her art is apparently named Nolan, (Vincent Ventresca) is talking with Keith Carradine, representative  of the nefarious Rossum Corporation. Carradine more or less promises the sun moon and stars tightly packed into the hooha of whatever girl he wants. Nolan says he does no’t want a doll

Dushku and Sierra are having a little chat about power, and it’s sort of phoned in. I know it’s supposed to be interesting but it fails,  mostly because Dushku uses the word “power” to discuss power six times in six sentences.

Then Victor shows up, imprinted as Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago or something.

Victor commences to buttering up Sierra, comparing her to Bernard Patin, and Sierra admits to not knowing him (neither does Google). Victor throws out some criticism of the art world and suggests that the bird motif is a reflection of Sierra. Really? Art reflects the artist? Who knew?

Sierra decides to roll out with Victor. Nolan is displeased with this, and tries to bar Sierra leaving, and informs her that Victor isn’t even real. Now, of all the things to say, doesn’t “Hey baby, dude ain’t real,” make you sound crazier no matter the context? Victor gets pulled away by his handler.

Nolan doesn’t want a doll, but he’s not beyond stocking the place with them to make himself look good. Nolan becomes an amazingly jealous boyfriend in short order, while Sierra rightfully insists there is no “us”, causing Nolan to ask what the hell else he could do to score with her.

But She wants to walk out the damned door, so he gets violent. Sierra slaps him and shouts nothing could ever make her love him…

Time Cut.

Except wiping her memory and implanting her with a personality that reveres his man-bits. Sierra now adores him, and tells him so. He pulls out a Polaroid camera that used to be hers, and takes her picture, which he throws in a drawer with many others that hint at the fantasies he’s played out to date. How on Earth could someone want such a thing? Seriously.