Bitch Slap

When the only thing your movie has going for it is cast members from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, you have a problem.

Bitch Slap should have been great and instead it fails miserably. It gets bogged down in places, misses the point in others, and ultimately fails in it's homage to the genre that spawned it.

The plot jumps back and forth in time, the present filmed in a real desert somewhere, and the past filmed in front of a green screen. Green screen can be pretty smooth. In this movie however, it appears as though most of action takes place in front of a Geocities website and nobody bothered to match the lighting.

The story starts out with three absurdly hot women, Hel (Erin Cummings) is the ring leader, Trixie (Julia Voth) is the wide-eyed innocent and Camero (America Olivo) is the tough talking lesbian ass kicker who enjoys assaulting men in the goodies. Seriously, it’s like how she shakes hands: crushing or pinching or clamping some guy’s wedding tackle. It’s absurd and a little disconcerting.

Just as disconcerting is how the three are fetishized at every possibly opportunity. The first time it works as a joke, but only the first time. It might as well just have text "Hot Girls Are Really Hot" flashing on the screen every five minutes for the rest of the movie. Another sin this movie commits is making sex scenes tedious and boring. If I see two you women engaging in salacious acts, and I start looking at my watch, you have somehow failed as a director.

It's like somebody thought if they just point a camera at a series of things, they suddenly become a movie. This lack of understanding ruins almost the whole movie. This film is a series of excuses for amazingly crude references to female anatomy (chutney tube, grabber, gash, cooterlicious, tuna city, etc.) and to get the three female leads wet, in several senses.

They’re trying to find some diamonds, and some nanomachines. Yes Nanomachines rear their ugly, microscopic heads once again. Turns out Hel is a spy, handled by super-spy Pheonix (Kevin Sorbo!) who wants to bring down Gauge (Michael Hurst)  who looks too much like Sean Pertwee and Alan Tyduk had a kid to be threatening.

In fact, most everything seems it's there to distract you from the bad parts of this film. There are cat fights, water fights, nudity, bright light shining out of a lady’s lady parts (no, really) a scarred and mohawked crust punk with Turret’s Syndrome plus a low-rent knock off of Gogo Yubari from Kill-Bill.

There’s gore and violence and boobs and such, but what’s the point? Bitch Slap is an incoherent mess, like a lot of the films that inspired it. The last insult is quotes from ancient history sprinkled here and there, in the futile hope of adding some gravitas.

This movie demands to be seen with friends and drinks, really that's the only way to take it. I regret seeing it sober and by myself, and probably should have watched Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! instead. So should you.