Raiders of the Damned

This week on the live stream, I decided to go back to a genre that is near and dear to all of our hearts: Zombies. In diving through the specialized Zombie sub-section of the Horror category on Netflix, I found any number of potentials, some of whom will definitely be appearing on this website sooner or later. Wiseguys Vs. ZombiesInsane in the Brain, and my personal favorite, Die you Zombie Bastards!

So when it came to choosing today's feature, I decided to keep it simple and reverse the ratings listing. For those unaware, Netflix asks you to give movies a star rating after you watch them. Based on these scores, the service assigns potential ratings on movies in order to give you an idea of how much you'd like it. The more movies you review, the more accurate their predictions (according to their documentation). The first night I was a member, I rated 157 movies. Since then I've lost count.

You can then sort movies in sections based on their predicted rating, and when choosing movies, I tend to look in the 1-2 star area. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a 1/2 star movie.  The single lowest rated movie I could find on the site in the Zombie section.  In other words: pure gold.

Raiders of the Damned tells a tale in the post-apocalyptic wastelands of  the final days of World War III,  where an unleashed biochemical weapon rendered Earth a post-apocalyptic wasteland overrun by cannibalistic zombies. When a helicopter carrying a group of scientists - humanity's last hope for survival - crashes in zombie central, a military ops team led by Dr. Lewis ( played by Richard Grieco, from 21 Jump Street) is dispatched to rescue them. Now it's up to the only soldiers still alive to fight the bloodthirsty zombies for control of the planet - or die trying! The twist, according to the marketing materials for the movie, is that "Their bodies are rotting corpses, but their minds are still hideously alive!"

That's right, smart Zombies.

By now, the reasons for choosing this should be painfully obvious. However, if you still aren't sold, check this trailer-the only trailer that could be found-on Amazon.
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  • We’re 2 minutes away from Raiders of the Damned. I’ll admit, slightly afraid of this one. It’s rated lower than Bloodrayne…
  • Aww man! It’s “formatted to fit my TV”! Wait. Was this shot for television?
  • Oh yeah, THAT’s a rubber mask. We’re in for a treat!
  • Zombie Archers!
  • Zombie general holding an umbrella…giving ORDERS? YES!
  • What’s with the purple faced zombie? With a catapult! Are we sure this isn’t Army of Darkness?
  • Richard Grieco is giving the crazy scientist monologue. Giving exposition. Microsoft made the zombies with Windows 9x.
  • Oh, I’m sorry. AGENT 9x.
  • “Don’t judge us too harshly” In other words: “We’re sorry the script sucks”
  • I dare say the crazy Grieco is wearing Mascara.
  • Crazy Grieco has spontaneously generated a pair of glasses… and has a fur ball.
  • It seems as though he’s trying to be Brad Pitt from 12 Monkeys.
  • This Crenshaw dude, why do they always cut away from him when he talks? You never see his face when he speaks!
  • Hey! They showed him talking! At first I thought it was a style thing. Now I realize it’s just bad editing.
  • They need to find and execute the sound guy for this movie. He fails at little things, like audible dialogue. Or sound effects matching actions on screen
  • Oh, he’s given up now. People keep talking, no sound a -comin’ out of their mouths! Impressive!
  • Good lord, we get it already! They’re all misfits. You don’t need to show the recruitment (with accompanying long scene) of EACH ONE!
  • Now they’re looping repeating dialogue and pretending…wha… huh?
  • Ok, when captured scientist keeps laughing when she’s trying to be afraid? That’s not so good.
  • Seriously, I don’t think I can make fun of this. It actually aspires to be a “B”
    movie. No, never mind. A “C” movie.
  • When your team is half-female, you may want to think about the chauvinistic attitude.
  • The cinematographer is photographing chins. Never quite getting a person in frame. I’d think this was deliberate but…
  • Why does everyone have Katanas? Machete’s I’d understand. But KATANAS?
  • I can’t complain about the sound anymore. I mean, they had somebody off-camera coughing throughout all the dialogue on a scene.
  • Note: There was nobody else around in the scene. The coughing person was obviously someone on the crew.
  • Wait, your badass didn’t even make it to the first battle? She fell off a rope? REALLY?
  • Rather than having squibs, they use strobe lights. Yep. Quality entertainment.
  • Followed by randomly superimposing zombie puppets on the screen. Why did I subject myself to this again?
  • We are moments away from witnessing zombie sex. Yep. Real quality entertainment.
  • Aaaaaaand there we are!
  • And now they’re going with the First-person-shooter cam. How much time left in this movie again?
  • Wait, you can kill a zombie by breaking it’s neck? REALLY?
  • “I’ve never had use for catatonic women, but on you it’s a sexy look”-Ok, THAT was worthwhile!
  • He’s a “sniper”? With a machine gun? Dear god the movie just will NOT END!
  • Sorry to be all quiet here, but the movie has kinda stunned me stupid. I can feel my brain leaking slowly out my ear.
  • Now they want to be an action movie? With zombie kung fu? Ok. Yeah. Sure.
  • I’m willing to lay odds that mis catatonic USA is preggers with a zombie baby.
  • And she’s laughing when trying to be scared again. Fairly positive she slept with the director to get the role.
  • Why is it dead of night on one side of the wall, but broad daylight on the other? It’s a WALL, not a teleporter.
  • Wait, now it’s overcast??
  • And why is a soldier wearing press-on nails?
  • You know what? This movie didn’t make a lick of sense. The ending is just um.. yeah.
  • Well that was Raiders of the Damned. I am going to go shoot myself in the head now

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain

Today we're going to break a bit with tradition and do something a little different. Normally when we review movies for the site, they are tied to a particular Cavalcade Event. These last few weeks have been catch-up as we steamroll through the past events we've held. However this movie requires special notice be paid.

Originally slated to be part of the October 2008 Halloween Cavalcade, the company we purchased the DVD from was unable to get it to us in time for a showing. Originally, we were fairly disappointed. Just look at the cast for the picture: Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey Lain, Taylor Hayes, and Jenna Jameson. Ok, there are some of you who might not immediately know who those people are, and even those that do might pretend otherwise to save face, so allow me to clear things up: They are some of the biggest names of late-80's to 90's porn (Don't worry, the links are work safe). Throw in 21 Jumpstreet's Richard Grieco, and we have a recipe for awesome. Sadly however, this recipe doesn't take into account one thing: Christian Viel. Writer, Director, sick motherf*@%er.

I've seen films with nudity and enjoyed them. I've seen movies with disembowelments and still had fun. I've seen cinema with violence/gore/mayhem and laughed, cheered, and overall had a good time with friends and loved ones. You know what? This ain't any of those times. As a matter of fact, this movie is one of the single most morally reprehensible pieces of trash that I have ever forced myself to sit through.

The movie takes place in back woods of Ireland and while there are hints of witchery and mentions of Samhain but don't let that fool you, it's really a stupid rip off of The Hills Have Eyes and the mutant cannibal story.

Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

We have:

  • A woman ripped in half, intestines spilling out all over the place.
  • An armless/legless man on a spinning on a spit, penis still attached and swaying in the breeze.
  • An hour of padding for time.
  • Not one, but three impalements.
  • A man strangled by his own intestine, ripped out through his bunghole.
  • A woman stabbed in the chest, and her breast implant removed by the cannibals and squished around for the camera.
  • A woman raped by multiple cannibals, giving exposition while a bloody dead fetus lies in the middle of the floor with the umbilical cord still attached.

Not only is the movie disgusting, it doesn't make any damn sense. The ending is ripped out of another movie entirely and doesn't seem to have any real purpose other than to, you know what? I didn't care, I was just happy that the damn thing was over. It's editing is bad enough and the end product is such that the sick M-F that wrote and directed the movie actually posted a written apology on IMDB. Of course, he's apologizing for most of the nudity and gore being removed from the flick.

Don't screen this for anyone. Don't buy this from anyone. Treat this movie like the leprosy that it is. There are much better choices for campy crap horror movies with retired porn stars. A personal favorite: Evil Toons