One of the great things about running the Cavalcade is that whenever we're asked to speak about our desire to bring back the Drive-In Grindhouse movie experience, people can't help but to excitedly blurt out their own personal favorite B-movie experiences, often leading to us discovering new gems.
On one such occasion, we were introduced to the amazing Kung Fu Cult Cinema website, a fantastic resource for all things Asian Cinema. An attendee of one of our Events was so excited about a little film she found through their site, she couldn't stop talking about it. It led to us bringing it into our homes and being completely blown away by its sheer....Awesomeness.
And what, pray-tell, was that fine cinematic gem that sent our minds reeling into the outer reaches of the spiral arm of the western consciousness?
Two words: Machine Girl (2007)
This movie has it all. Ninjas. Yakuza. Flying Guillotine. Chaingun Arms. A Drill Bra. Death by Tempura.
It. Was. Amazing.
But while we were still reeling, the DVD followed through with the promise of more to come in the form of a trailer for Tokyo Gore Police , a film that promises to outdo Machine Girl on every level. We're here to tell you: If there isn't a ton of gore and some police against the backdrop of Tokyo, we're going to have some problems.
When a crazed scientist called Key Man develops a virus that causes humans to mutate, samurai sword-wielding cop Ruka is called in to annihilate the unnatural creatures. Can Ruka wipe out the mutations and stop Key Man before the virus takes over humanity? Little does Ruka know, though, that the slaying of her father years before means she shares a hidden bond with her nemesis. Yoshihiro Nishimura's fast-paced gorefest stars Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao and Shôko Nakahara.
Look. We know we promise that we "look for the worst Netflix has to offer" each week. But frankly, the last few films have seriously impacted that crucial sector of our brains we like to call our "will to live". Give us this one week to actually enjoy a flick, huh? Please?
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- We’re starting up Tokyo Gore Police
- The movie is startign with a light jazzy score and kids in the park…And dad’s a super hero!
- and HIS HEAD EXPLODED!
- This is more like it! Dark! Broody! BLOODY!
- Why are there mattresses on the top of the cars?
- Eeeew, eyeball sushi!
- Sooo this is going ot be a live-action anime. Only…weirder.
- With a heroine having issues with an exacto knife..and her wrist. Hey look, LEATHERFACE!
- Seriously, how can you NOT notice the chainsaw-weilding maniac walking up behind you?
- He just grew a new organic CHAINSAW arm that he can throw with a retractable chain! I WANT ONE!
- Oh wait. Hot school girl rocket jumping with a bazooka. I’m in love!
- Um. Dude. Don’t try to eat the chainsaw. Bad for your teeth.
- SWORD DUEL…WITH CHAINSAWS! Is it wrong that I’m aroused by this?
- All that before the title sequence! I need a cigarette.
- They just executed a criminal for a commercial. That’s marketing we can believe in!
- What’s up with all these people with saws for hands? The coroner has a bone saw for a right arm!
- A key-shaped tumor is a trademark of a mutant? Huh?
- The cops are in full cyber-samurai armor. And the car-tops are temple roofs?
- Ominous chorus, flickering lights…Somebody gonna bleeed soon. OUT COMES THE SWORD!
- The gimp..is..an..amputee? Being walked like a pet dog by a demon cyber-samurai? AWESOME.
- Aaaaand it’s her boss wishing her a happy birthday. This is one F’d-up police department!
- Ok. The police captain is one freaky dude.
- Ok..Thaaaat’s a dildo.
- aaaaand that’s a creepy dude in a diaper.
- Seriously. What is up with the Japanese and doing weird things to schoolgirls?
- *gasp* it’s the key-shaped tumor! This can’t be good!
- Aaaand there goes the madam. I do believe she is being drained of blood into baby bottles..
- DUDE! INTESTINES IN A COMMERCIAL! WHAT. THE. HELL??
- A new packing method of stuffing whole prostitutes into a tiny box for convenience!
- And now the hero is dressed as a prostitute. OF COURSE she is. Oh, and let us not forget the umbrella sword.
- And now for a commercial for fashionable wrist cutting toys? WOW.
- Dude is eating Cicadas covered in maggots. Grossest thing. EVER.
- Ok. One woman you do NOT want to fondle in the train is the one who will cut your arms off!
- Um. Why are you going to sit there and watch him mutate? STAB HIM SOME MORE!
- he PULLED THE TOP OF HIS HEAD OFF AND HAS EYE CANNONS???
- Hard to use facial recognition when you only have the top half of a FACE.
- A Wii mote with a knife where you can actually disembowel people by remote control? That’s a product I WANT!
- The commercials in this movie make those in Robocop look like freakin’ Sesame Street.
- um. the stripper has an eyball in her mouth, and a penis for a nose. not the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
- Golden Showers…FROM A CHAIR. WHAT?
- No. I mean THE CHAIR is peeing on people!
- When the genetically modified prostitute with weird skin grafts straps you down, this is not good.
- aaaaand she bit it off. TOLD you, dude. Told you.
- We have decided we need vodka.
- Her entire lower half is now an aligator jaw! You don’t WANT to know where the throat is!
- Honestly. I don’t know that I can say anything more about this movie. I just watched a mutant vagina EAT a man.
- 4-foot-long PENIS CANNON!
- And now we pause for exposition. Complete with illustrations in crayon!
- The only thing weirder than the movie is its explanation.
- For Supercops, these guys really let people walk up behind them and shoot them in the head WAY too easily.
- “Thanks a lot for telling me…you insane bastard”-Best line in the movie.
- The movie has now become amputee porn.
- Acid-shooting-Nipple-cannons? REALLY?
- We have decided we need more booze.
20 Minutes later…
- We now have strawberry thingamajiggies with vodka and SoCo.
- 22 minutes of solid ultra-violence left….
- There are a pile of body parts, and one of the cops is licking a severed foot.
- Fist gatling gun? I want to MEET the guy who came up with this!
- Flying middle fingers of DOOOM!
- And now we have an epic battle with a 0-limbed amputee that replaced everything with swords!
- The bad guy is flying on Blood-jet propelled leg stumps!
- Amputee now has MACHINE GUN LIMBS! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!
- And that’s the end. OH, MY FUCKING GOD, was this movie awesome!
- Last sbot of the movie: “MORE GORE COMING SOON!” With that, we close out Tokyo Gore Police. Thanks all!