I found this movie while digging through the "Foreign Thriller" section of Netflix. I dug the poster for this little Japanese sexploitation film, so I didn't really read the description of the plot. This left me totally unprepared for what I was about to see, and as it developed, I took to the Twittersphere to share my utter bewilderment.
- The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (2003) is a weird damn movie.
- Not only is it borderline porn, but a prostitute becomes a zombie genius after finding the severed finger of George W. Bush and getting ...
- And by "borderline porn", I mean they show money shots... with Zombie prostitutes... who can now apparently see into the future.
- Just noticed the second tweet got cut off. She becomes a genius after getting shot in the head..while carrying George W. Bush's finger.
- Ok, now the Zombie is mumbling points by Descartes and Socrates while performing oral sex on a college professor. This is a NETFLIX movie.
- Why do all of these men keep having sex with a woman with a bullet hole in her forehead???
- A vision of George Bush speaking Japanese just appeared in the bottom of a bucket of water. His severed finger is flying now.
- Oh dear lord....it's getting naughty again. The Zombie finger is doing bad things to the Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitute.
- I just noticed the finger has an American flag painted on its nail. That MUST mean it's Bush's finger. I'm sorry, CLONED finger.
- Oh hey, Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitute (IZPP) is naked again...and the finger just popped out of a naughty place.
- Wait. You look INTO the bullet hole and SEE THE APOCALYPSE??? And THIS makes you want to sex up the IZPP??? My. Brain. Hurts. Now.
- Ok. The professor is now running around in his underwear trying to sex up IZPP and discuss philosophy again.
- And the police in this movie are duuuuuurty.
- Aaaaaand now the Professor is dead. See? Told you sleeping with Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitutes is bad for your health!
- Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitute says floating cloned finger of George Bush will start the Nuclear Holocaust. Of COURSE it will.
- And hey, she's naked again. OF COURSE she is.
- Oh, now this is just wrong. They're sticking the finger in the bullet hole in her forehead? Disturbed people, these filmmakers are.
- Something's wrong. We've gone 10 whole minutes and nobody's taken their clothes off to have sex with the Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitute.
- Ah, there we are. All better now.
- Awwwww...DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN THE HOLE AGAIN!
- Wait, Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitute and Murdering Cop Bad Guy fall in love after violent sex acts??? OF COURSE they do!
- And yet ANOTHER man wants to have sex with Immortal Zombie Psychic Prostitute!
- I've never wanted to sleep with a Zombie woman with a gaping bullet wound IN HER FACE. But apparently this is a fantasy of some screenwriter
- ....and now GI Joe Action figures are running panicked across the screen. And here I thought the movie had already been weird or something.
- Hey, finger's floating again! I think that's supposed to be ominous...and everybody's dead now. Yep. Ominous indeed.
- "Farewell to Arms"??? What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Wait, is it over now? WHAT?
- Well, at least the bullet fell out of her head...But why is she still alive??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Now there's SURFING???
- Oh hey, and there goes the Nuclear Holocaust. The End. OF COURSE it is. Wow.
- Credits are over...but the movie keeps going....and getting weirder. WHY WON'T IT STOP?? SHE JUST PUT THE EARTH IN HER BULLET WOUND!
- ....where it exploded. Now there's smoke coming out of the wound. Seriously. I'm not making this up. I need a drink.
- Thus ends the Cavalcade screening of The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (2003). Thanks for joining us.
I can safely go on record that this movie is, hands-down, the weirdest movie I've ever seen. Even though there are two rape scenes (something I never enjoy seeing in a movie), I'd still recommend it, because it's just too weird to pass up. If I had actually read the plot description, I would have been better prepared:
When call girl Sachiko Hanai (Emi Kuroda) gets shot in the head, she not only survives, she emerges with psychic powers and a genius IQ. Soon, the slut turned brainiac is living a life of danger, having unwittingly walked off with George W. Bush's finger. With the president's fingerprint all that's needed to launch a nuclear missile, just about every spy in the world is after the digit -- and Sachiko -- in this surreal sexploitation romp.
I feel slightly dirty for admitting this, but I ended up giving the movie a 3-star rating in my account. With their recommendation system being based off your reviews of other titles, I'm kinda curious to see what they end up sending my way now.