Cavalcade of Schlock » Micah P.

Priest 3D

Micah P. — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 13:27:08 +0000

I’ve been wracking my brain for a few days now to figure out a way to start a review of Priest 3D. Do I start with a quick breakdown of the plot? Essentially a post-apocalyptic take on John Wayne‘s The Searchers with the Priests as the Cowboys and mutant vampires as the Indians, the film centers on one such Priest (Paul Bettany) whose niece is abducted by vampires, causing him to set out across the wasteland, seeing to her rescue. He does so against the wishes of the Ministry, headed up by Monsignor Orelas (Christopher Plummer, who is either hurting for work or seriously slumming in this picture). Apparently the vampire menace has been put down, and any hint to the contrary is a threat to the totalitarian protective construct that the church has built.

Wackiness and Violence ensue, eventually leading to another group of priests (led by Maggie Q) being sent to bring back our protagonist, by any means necessary. Before long they run into the evil Priest/Vampire hybrid, Black Hat (played rather lethargically by Karl Urban), who wants to tear down the church… or something. To be honest, by the time they got to his motivation for anything, I wasn’t really paying attention anymore.

Of course, the above breakdown pretends that the plot makes any kind of sense, which it doesn’t. This film isn’t only bad, it’s AGGRESSIVELY bad. It’s the kind of movie that comes into your house at night, steals your babies, and returns them to you as mindless zombies whose only purpose is to churn out money to see movies this. Freakin’. Bad.
Not even fun enough to mock. the film’s pacing was set to fast-forward so you couldn’t digest any of the scenery (recycled from a dozen other post-apocalyptic films), the characters (two-dimensional is actually adding an extra dimension), the monsters (badly recycled from the crappy vampires in “I Am Legend“), or the afore-mentioned threadbare plot. The movie never lingers on any particular element long enough for you to care, and as such, boredom quickly settles in. The one interesting aspect, that of the dictatorial Church of the Cyberpunk Jesus, is glazed over 4 minutes.

Well, at least the action’s good, right? Sadly, no. Suffering from the same pacing problems as the rest of the picture, the action sequences are slap-dashedly thrown together so that you can’t tell what’s going on with the exception of a couple of “gee-whiz this was shot in 3D” moments.

As it’s based on a Manga, I can only suppose that there is a better story to be had here, and it’s a shame that the setting that could have been interesting wasn’t used to better effect. Really, there’s nobody to which I’d recommend this movie. It’s terrible to sit through on your own (as I did), and the choice of action-packed vamp flicks for a Cavalcade has much better choices, the Blade Trilogy for starters. The first two for quality entertainment, and the last one for something to rip to shreds with friends).

Thor

Micah P. — Sun, 08 May 2011 02:40:11 +0000

It should come as little shock to anyone who visits this site that the staff here are nerdlings (not to be confused with zerglings) to the nth degree. As such, it surprises one even less that several of us are not only avid comic book readers, but more specifically fans of the Marvel comics version of Thor, Norse God of Thunder. We’ve sat through two Hulks (one terrible, one kinda fun), two Iron Man films (both good, first one better), and a lot of trailers; but finally, ladies and gentlemen…It’s Hammer Time!

I had to say it at least once. I won’t do it again. Promise.

The picture starts off following a team of storm chasing astrophysicists headed by Jane Foster (Natalie Portman, who at the age of 29 is finally looking over the age of 18), the film, and the team, quickly run into Thor (Chris Hemsworth). Quite literally. With a car. Not the most auspicious introduction, certainly. Quickly, however, the story rewinds back a few hundred years to develop the backstory of Odin’s (Anthony Hopkins) defense of the nine realms (of which Earth is one) against the threat of the Frost Giants. The narration continues on about how it will be his future heir’s duty, either Thor or his brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), to hold the line. It’s here where we’re reminded yet again that Hopkins is a member of that elite cadre of actors of whom we wouldn’t mind listening to a reading of the Sears catalogue.

As time passes, Thor is chosen as heir to the throne, (much to the consternation of Loki) though he is still brash and headstrong. Eventually he leads an ill-fated expedition into the heart of the Frost Giant kingdom, kicking ass and taking names like any storm god should, but threatening the tenuous truce that has lasted the last few centuries. Odin gets ticked, and rightfully so, booting Thor from Asgard to Midgard (Earth for those less up on their Viking nomenclature). It’s here where the film turns into more of a romantic comedy, but still maintains its charm, providing a timely break from all the Magic talk and immortals. It’s these elements that help cement what is essentially a high fantasy film into a relatable reality, which is a key quality for a superhero flick.

Speaking of which, as this is being integrated into the grand “Marvel Avengers film plan”, there are a lot of references to the Hulk and Iron Man films, as well as a nod to the Captain America picture slated for later this year. All of this is done with much the same style and technique that the original comics did years ago, and never bogs down the film. Indeed, when a giant armored weapon of godly distruction is sent to New Mexico and the first response by a government agent is “Is this another one of Stark’s?” only to be followed by “Who knows? He never tells me anything.” is a nice light touch, keeping the film universe alive.

All told, Thor is a rollicking good adventure flick. It takes just the right amount of time to develop its characters enough so that when the requisite effects-laden battles begin, you actually care about the results even though you know exactly what they’ll be. Additionally, the film is fun enough that when it comes home on Blu-Ray or DVD, you can still have a blast with a superhero-themed Cavalcade crew.

Event 32 Vote

Micah P. — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 19:29:19 +0000

Sci-Fi: Space Western

Yeah that’s right. Space-freakin-cowboys. You love ‘em, we love ‘em, everybody loves ‘em.

Moon Zero Two (1969): Space Salvage. Space Miners. Space Ship Robbers. Space Gun Fights. Space Yee Haw!
Galaxina (1980): Dorothy Stratten is a lifelike, voluptuous android named Galaxina who is assigned to oversee the operations of a deep-space freighter with an incompetent captain. Westernish hi jinks ensue.

Action: Kung Fu

The Last Dragon (1985) – Take the music of Mowtown, mix it with Kung Fu, throw in a heaping helping of camp, and you have a testament to the eighties that has to be seen to be believed. Starring Taimak, Vanity, Christopher Murney, and Faith Prince. With cameos from William H. Macy and Chazz Palminteri. Seriously, Julius Carry plays a character named “Sho’nuff: The Shogun of Harlem“.
Master of the Flying Guillotine (1977) – If this movie sounds familiar, it’s because we covered it for one of our Weaponized Wednesday reviews. One of the great tournament fighters, this movie features two of the biggest badasses in 70s Kung Fu coming together for a grand battle royale. The One Armed Boxer and The Flying Guillotine. This movie would go on to inspire Capcom’s Street Fighter and a whole slew of filmmakers. Never mind how silly it is.
Even though we’ve already done Ninjas, we’d have to have Ninja Terminator as an alternate selection. This movie may, in fact, epitomize everything that a Cavalcade movie hopes to be. Nonsensical, full of fury, and insanely bad dubbing. Plus: There’s a Ninja in full camo gear. Besides, the “Hero” of the picture is all about Kung Fu, and isn’t a ninja at all.

Horror: Reptiles

We’ve done Giant Monsters. We’ve had Dragons. But we’ve never simply done killer reptile horror. Which is a real shame, because there’s some awesome selections!

Komodo Vs. Cobra (2005) – The title pretty much sums it up. There’s a killer Komodo and a creepy Cobra. They fight. The badness comes from the fact that this is a Sci-Fi Channel Original. Yup. We fully expect this one to get voted off the island.
Killer Snakes (1975) – Take the story of Willard, and change the rats to snakes. It’s actually supposed to be pretty damn cool, in a sicko Cavalcade kind of way.
An interesting choice would have to be Jaws of Satan (1981). Take the plots of Jaws and the Exorcist, and throw in Christina Applegate in her first film role. Yup, it’s like that.

So there you have it, our three choices for the event! Vote below!

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Queens Blade Vol 1: Single Step

Micah P. — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 12:13:52 +0000

Fan Service: a vaguely defined term primarily used for anime and manga to refer to artificial or self-aware sensory elements that would operate to please a regular or target audience, material that is designed to amuse or excite the audience with sexually derived content. Excessive content is usually considered gratuitous regardless of its justification in relation to the narrative in which it takes place.

Any gratuitous content included in some form of entertainment primarily to please a core group of fans is fan service. The typical, but not only, variety of fan service is racy or sexual content used to titillate the viewer, such as nudity or other forms of eye candy.

The lengthy definition from Wikipedia that placed above can and will tell you everything you need to know about the anime series to be discussed here today, but it would also be wrong, albeit only technically. However I may be getting ahead of myself a bit.

The fantasy series takes place in a land where women from all over compete in the Queen’s Blade tournament, a competition of Strength and Beauty, to determine the next Queen. All flourishes aside, the main plot is focused on girls in ever-more creatively designed outfits (that strictly conform to the rules of fantasy armor: The less it covers, the more it protects), fighting each other and frequently slashing off bits and pieces of each other’s armor in titillating ways.

Or to put it even more simply: It’s Boobs and Swords.

Which is why this isn’t technically “fan service.” Fan service is a sideline distraction from the main goal of the story. Here, all the breast shots, panty shots, and other bits are the whole point. That said, it’s actually a mildly amusing show, with the plot taken straight out of a video game (or, in one, as it turns out. The entire series is based on a series of game books, and was later translated to consoles).

If you ever try to convince someone that either the sword and sorcery genre, or anime in general for that matter, are not the domain of immature adolescents and perverts, you would do well to stay far, far away from this series. However, the fight sequences are enjoyable, and I always enjoy being reminded of just how downright odd the Japanese culture can be. Seeing a bunch of ninjas melt and transform into a giant frog demon that’s several stories high is weird enough, seeing it caress another ninja’s breast with its several meter long tongue is downright strange.

All this after the previous episode, which featured a demon who lactated acid when squeezed by the hands that grew out of her hair.

This is where I’m compelled to tell you: This is not Hentai. This isn’t porn. Actually, it somehow got rated TV-14-and let me tell you: 14-year-old me is pleased as punch.

Tingler, The

Micah P. — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 17:26:11 +0000

Tingler, The (1959) Ladies and Gentlesirs, a declaration: William Castle, the producer/director of this motion picture, was a genius filmmaker who was decades ahead of his time. Oh, many a critic and historian have made mention of his dazzling showmanship and marketing acumen. Such as during the initial screenings of The Tingler, when Castle equipped seats with extra-large Joy Buzzers, to provide that “tingling” sensation; or in the final act, which actually takes place in a movie theater, and the lights go out. Vincent Price starts telling the on-screen audience (and, by proxy, us) to “SCREAM! scream for your LIVES!” On top of that however, Castle was still an effective director, who was able to elevate incredibly banal stories into effectively creepy pictures.

Case in point: The Tingler is about a spinal parasite that feasts on fear, and can only be destroyed by screaming. Yep, that’s the entire premise right there. And yet, Castle was still able to craft an edge-of-your seat picture, especially in two memorable sequences, one of which involving a splash of bright red blood in an otherwise black and white picture.

Of course, when we screened it at our event, we discovered an entirely different plotline at work. While director Castle, writer Robb White, and star Vincent Price would have us believe this is a horror film about a large spinal parasite, we found that the film was actually about something else entirely:

The Female Orgasm, and the invention of the G-Spot Vibrator.

Before I continue, allow me to present this dialogue exchange:

Price: Well, it affects some people like that. Did you notice how rigid she became just before she fainted?

Coolidge: She Always Does. It’s interesting.

Price: Because she has no vocal chords, she can’t release her fear tensions vocally as we can.

So they continue to mount, until at last, she can’t endure it. Exchange the word “fear” for “sexual,” and you have an entirely different story going on here. Conversations like this go on throughout the movie, permeating every aspect of the script:

Price: Her unreleased tensions grow so great…that she goes into a Psychosomatic Blackout!

Hell, one of the villains in the story is a woman whose primary crime is that she doesn’t love her husband anymore and is sexually independent. That’s about the gist of it…until she tries to kill her husband, of course; which even then is mostly laughed away as a prank.

As the story continues, a “tingler” is eventually extracted from a human host and put on display for the audience…revealing it to be a rubbery millipede that resembles nothing less than a “toy” intended for a woman’s pleasure. As we watched, our audience speculated that the irresponsible Mad Scientist (and yet somehow not just the protagonist, but actually the “hero”) played by Vincent Price went on to design the first prototype of said device, raking in millions.

All that aside, we’re left with the final question: Is The Tingler a “good” movie? That depends on how much you appreciate 50’s low-budget horror. However, if you’re hosting a Vincent Price Cavalcade Event, this film is a surefire winner on all levels.

Head Down to the Trailer Park!

Micah P. — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 20:01:19 +0000

When we started gathering the requirements from our staff for the Cavalcade 3.0 upgrade, one of the most universally requested features was support for a blog section where they could publish all the little nuggets they came across on the web, or spit out quick reviews/previews/b-movie news that struck their fancy. These sections be pure stream of consciousness, unconstrained by the editorial process (believe it or not, we do actually edit down the pieces that see the light of day on the main site). Thinking in terms of a magazine, the main Cavalcade website is where you’ll find all the polished sections, and the blogs would be op/ed columns for our writers; each complimentary to the other.

One of the benefits of taking the editorial review process out of the way of the writers is that it frees them up to publish as often as they want, without our guidelines slowing them down. If Higgins wants to write a quick dissertation about how Movie trailers sucker you into the theaters time and again, fine. If Tom wants to blast you with updates on the upcoming Green Lantern Movie, then great! It may not fit the auspices of the main site, but it will still be an entertaining commentary on their Cavalcade Blog, while we still churn out reviews and features from the dark reaches of the Sci-Fi/Action/Horror B-movie arena.

Well, now that we’re mostly done with the main site, we thought it was time to reveal the first of our new Cavalcade of Schlock Network, The Trailer Park.

We’re really excited about this one, as it’s run by our Content Editor, Greg Zawislewski. One of the unsung workhorses of the Cavalcade, Greg was our very FIRST staff member, serving as the Roadie and donation collector at the events long before the site was big enough to need multiple writers. Since then, he’s been responsible for gathering the images, trailers, and other metadata required for each review to hit the web. Outside of the Cavalcade, Greg loves to find the weirdest trailers for the oddest of movies, several of them are just too out there for even us to be able to get our hands on to review. Up until now, he’s had no avenue to share this love.

Now he does.

Updated several times a day, you’ll be able to drop in and experience a random assortment of the weirdest f*ck^ng movies on the web. As a matter of fact, when we showed him his new sandbox, Greg’s eyes lit up with a very scary shade of abject glee. In testing, we preloaded the site with 5 awesome videos for you to check out, so why not head on over?

A Whole New Face, and a Whole New Attitude

Micah P. — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:54:19 +0000

It is with no small amount of pride that I get to write this message.

3 years ago, the Cavalcade site was borne of a simple goal/dream: Create place for the group to hang out, find out about some oddball movies, and even more oddball events. The initial release was little more than a hacked version of the fantastically functional Gazette theme from Woothemes. It served its purpose, and it was good.

However, as the site changed and grew, functionality had to be inserted and decoded, hacking the theme in evermore destabilizing ways. After two and a half years of this, the site had become such an incomprehensible morass of code, it had become quite unstable, frequently having bits crash here and there without the admins being able to do much about it.

Enter Cavalcade Version 3.0

First step: build a wire frame of the template in Photoshop. Next, skim the interface needs out of the proof, finally begin design and, oh yeah: don’t sleep. What with the site being built on WordPress (our content management software), I decided it would be to our benefit to build the entire site from scratch, while still using the WordPress framework. As this is the 3rd iteration of the website, and WordPress had just release their 3.0 version as well, I started to code the new site online. It worked just about as well as you expect, and certainly not a permanent replacement situation. After evaluating some browser supoprt, and other pros and cons, we decided to build the site locally on my machine. Test the hell out of it, and only then Face it:We already know most of the people in the movie are chowder food just from the trailers.

Quality of Life Improvements

A number of new features made their way into Cavalcade 3.0
Streamlined user interface: Review, Event, and Media tags are clearly listed in the dashboard.
Streamlined archive page: The first of which was decidedly dificult to understand. These gian worms The Worms video game.
Clearer focus on events pretty self explanatory.
Database Power: Actors, Directors, Release Years, and other booze ingredients are now relationaly available on Wordpres as Taxonomies.
Automated archives: No more image gallery that needs to opened 3 separate times during the course of the process. Now, it’s a single upload, tag it, and post it!

What is a taxonomy?

A taxonomy is a way to group items. Here’s the Answers.com definition of taxonomy:
The classification of organisms in an ordered system that indicates natural relationships.
The science, laws, or principles of classification; systematics.
Division into ordered groups or categories.

The third definition is probably the best for our purposes.

By default, WordPress comes pre-loaded with three taxonomies: category, post_tag, and link_category. The first two allow us to label our posts a certain way. The last lets us categorize our links.Each taxonomy has what are called terms. For example, all of your tags are actuallyterms that live within the post_tag taxonomy.

What this means to you
We’ll be able to add actors to the list, as many as we want. Genre and director taxonomies as well. Additionally, you will see a list of movies that the actor/dirctor has done. As far as the drink ingredients are concerned: they work just like actors, and put the recipe in the text window.

Conclusion

As you can clearly see, we’ve added a host of functionality to the site, and also a lot of data to migrate. So the archives, while functioning, are a little glitchy. But wait! There’s a lot more coming soon! Blogs, Tumblr, and a new twitter account. Plus, we have new designs going up on the store on Black Friday! So check back, and check often!

The Human Sexipede (2010)

Micah P. — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 09:29:16 +0000

Do me a favor, will you?

If you haven’t already seen the horrific Human Centipede (First Sequence), watch this trailer. Now, let that sink in a moment.

Right.

Now, what were your first thoughts? Well if your name is Lee Roy Myers, your first thought would be “this would make an AWESOME porno!” This would be because you’re either a thoroughly disturbed individual, or a frickin’ genius. We’re hanging our hat on both.

Based on the controversial and disturbing horror film, The Human Centipede, the satisfying satire, The Human Sexipede is a movie about three unsatisfied tourists, two of which are young and sexy American women. The venturous individuals end up being guinea pigs in the “Mad Sexual Educator’s” twisted experiment to create the Human Sexipede, which is accomplished via sewing three people together – mouth to genitals.

Starring industry vets Tom Byron, Evan Stone (of Pirates fame), Amber Rayne, and Sunny Lane (all links work-safe), this film promises to be…a porn parody of a truly horrific horror movie. When the movie was brought to my attention yesterday (by Higgins, so blame him), there was a trailer posted on YouTube. Even though there was no nudity in said video, it was pulled down rather quickly for a “Terms of use violation”. But if you still want to get an idea of what the flick’s about (aside from a surgeon making girls go down on each other), then you can read the full script here.

Lest you fear that might take you all day…It’s only 17 pages long.

Catstravaganza II: The Return

Micah P. — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 11:00:18 +0000

Through the millennia, cats have been many things to countless cultures. In ancient Egypt, they started as untamed beasts that killed vermin living amongst the crops, fields and granaries, later becoming domesticated enough to cohabitate with the humans who would eventually go on to worship them as earthly representatives of the Cat Goddess, Bast-Goddess of Judgement and retribution…and later Fertility and Motherhood. An evolution I’m sure many mothers would appreciate, and feel is totally fitting.

Today, cats still fascinate the populace. Unfortunately, it’s in the form of cutesy YouTube videos and Photoshopped pictures that have gone viral across the vast wasteland that is the internet subculture.

Waitaminute…

Aren’t we part of the internet subculture?

You’re damn right we are.

Last year, our friends over at shortformblog.com decided to embrace the pop-culture cat phenom and overload the internet with their Catstravaganza event, an explosion of cute, fuzzy bits of fluff posing for pictures and generally being nauseatingly adorable. When they asked us to participate, we smiled, said “SURE”, and posted a review of Sleepwalkers (1992), a movie featuring incestuous were-kitties killing police with ears of corn.

Who said we don’t play well with others?

For some reason, they asked us to partner up with them again, but only if we promised to not have any more bloody violent incest. We smiled, said “SURE”, and…well, you’ll see.

Our whole team contributed to our participation in Catstravaganza II (I will not say “electric boogaloo”), so we’ve got a huge amount of content for you that will be streaming onto the site throughout the day, so be sure to check back regularly, and if you need to wash your mind out afterwards, head over to SFB for your regularly scheduled dose of cute…minus the incest, murder, gore, and general freakishness.

He’s Suffered for your Sins…

Micah P. — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 21:17:36 +0000

Case study: John Higgins

Occupation: Staff Writer/Public Relations, Cavalcade of Schlock

Notes: Portrait of a man at work, the only work he’s ever done, the only work he knows. His name is John Higgins, but he calls himself “Higgins.” His life has been rocky and perilous and uphill at a dead run all the way. He’s tired now, tired of running or wanting, of waiting for the breaks that come to others but never to him, never to John Higgins.

Now into this portrait enters a dusty old film canister. Who knows what mind-rending horrors it contains? Already pushed to the brink by such films as Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and a series of bad vampire pictures that had each film sparkle more than the last, he is looking for new ways to stretch his sanity…and, dear reader, we’ve decided to put it to you. So now that Higgins is exiting the Twilight Zone, what shall we have him suffer through next?

Femalien Series: The ‘Skinamax’ tradition lives on in this soft-core Sci-Fi series from Full Moon Entertainment. Kara (Venesa Talor) is sent to experience bodily pleasure by her alien species, which leads to numerous unconnected, plot-irrelevant encounters with all kinds of buxom babes and buff guys. The pool, the massage parlor, the avant-garde theater–these kooky humans seem to be going at it everywhere! Kara must believe that she’s landed not on Earth, but the planet Silicone, but she never seems to complain…

Xtro 2 and 3: Tom has already suffered the original for you, however…they made more. Scientists at a secret underground complex have found a way to travel to another dimension. Three dimension-travellers are the first to go through the gate – but are soon attacked by something that interrupts the communication with Earth. This horrible something uses the gate to travel back to the underground complex. Most of the staff are evacuated, except four heavily-armed militaries and Dr. Casserly and Dr. Summerfield who just can’t stand each other.

Transmorphers Series: Part of the Asylum mockbusters series where the company makes low budget films designed to capitalize on the release of larger ones, the film details the story of A race of aliens that pilot robots has conquered the Earth and forced humanity underground. After three hundred years of domination, a small group of human rebels plan to take back their world from the mechanical invaders in an ultimate battle, but they soon learn the aliens do not pilot the robots – they are the robots – a kind of biological-machine hybrid.

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