Cavalcade of Schlock » Live Streams

Xtro (1983)

Tom — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:40:10 +0000

Why does this movie exist?

Xtro is the touching tale of the reunion between an English man (Sam) and his son (Tony) three years after he was abducted by aliens, transmogrified, and then returned by the same aliens…to get more victims. Namely his wife (Rachel), her asshole fashion photographer boyfriend (Joe) and their live-in…I-don’t-know-what (Maryam D’Abo).

As the director and co-writer, Harry Bromley Davenport, explains in the featurette on my DVD (What’s that look for? Of course, I own it), “the movie is dreadful” and they were really just trying put in as many revolting things as possible in 84 minutes. You’ll see that, among the alien tentacle porn, pseudo-incestuous necking, and an overabundance of bodily fluids that shouldn’t come from any body, they do an outstanding job.

This film cannot be reviewed through conventional methods. So forgive me if I abandon journalistic standards, and instead provide the stream of consciousness as I attempted to watch this movie again.

And drink. A lot.

Ah, New Line Cinema, we have you to blame for so much pain in life.
Playing the part of Julie Delpy is Maryam D’Abo in her first film role. Nowhere to go but up.
The 80s, a miraculous time when anyone with a Casio keyboard could be a film composer.
Who wears short shorts? Little English boys!
Generally, one shouldn’t play fetch with high explosives.
It’s hard to mime being sucked into a space ship on a low budget.
We should all be so lucky as to be creative enough turn a father’s abandonment into a sweet alien abduction story.
Fee Fie Fo Fum, I hear a bad American accent done by an Englishman.
“I don’t what I’m looking at” Incident No. 1.
Well don’t you have a purdy mouth?
Now that’s an English mullet.
That’s what you get for caring about the person you just ran over.
Once again, a dog is trying to get its master killed.
It would appear that the alien’s rape tentacle is coming out of its stomach vagina.
Oh look, our Tony’s finally becoming a woman.
“Snuggle right down, sweetheart” just sounds wrong with an English accent.
“Nobody asked you, Joe” incident No. 1.
There has to be a morning after…..
Now that’s a spontaneous belly expansion.
Oh good, she just gave birth to Tony’s fully grown father.
Well how else would you cut your own umbilical cord than with your teeth? Honestly…
Of course, Sam leaves the dead girl in the front seat?
For those keeping track, Tony’s annoying traits include: night sweats, delusions, spontaneous bleeding, and snakes.
And now for a change of pace: consensual sex.
Direct quote: “Think of that foot as your face and smile.”
It’s a fact: all English children are one bad day away from being the kids from Village of the Damned.
No matter what the problem, alcohol is always the solution.
“Nobody asked you, Joe” incident No. 2.
Raw Snake Eggs: a tasty treat that’s good to eat.
Perversion wears a cable-knit sweater.
Rachel just can’t keep track of the men in her life.
Time for a father/son bonding moment when Sam places his lips gently on Tony’s bare shoulder and projects his mouth fluids inside. Which give Tony superpowers. Seriously.
“Nobody asked you, Joe” incident No. 3.
Like alcohol, violence solves many of life’s problems. See: marital issues and snakes in the salad.
Well, now Tony is angry. Not to worry though, it’s not like has telekinesis … oh shit.
Of course, Sam breathes propane.
The words hypnotic, midget, and clown are just a bad combination no matter what the order.
“When Toys Attack!” a recurring horror movie theme.
He’s mortally wounded the couch!
That’s a leather tie.
Goes well with the extra tight blue jeans.
Who’s the grown-up in this situation?
Oh sweet Jesus, the hypnotic, midget clown is also a ninja. Game over, man. Game over.
Tony has inherited his father’s mouth fluids.
Rachel just doesn’t get what movie she’s in.
Maryam is so much sexier as an alien egg incubating device.
Uh oh, Manimal is pissed.
Of course, Sam is peeling apart.
Burning hair always sets the mood just right…
Tony’s refridgerator is one of the lost portals from Time Bandits.
That’s right, Maryam now lays giant black jelly beans out of her utero-tube.
And now, sparkly yo-yo death. Wait, which movie is this?
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to apologize during sex…
Ah, so this was an extended Oxy 10 commercial this whole time. Makes much more sense.
And that’s what you get for that haircut, Joe!
Hard to tell if Sam looks better or worse now.
Rachel is not seeing the upside of having every annoying man out of her life all at once.
Why would you pick the pulsating alien egg out of the green goo?
And that’s the moral of the story: touching something you shouldn’t and you get a tentacle in the mouth.

I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone, it’s just that awful. Even the director hates it. I own it almost solely to add to my collection of hideous films. The other reason is to watch it when I forget how disgusting it really is. Like I did before I put in the DVD. It’s like when you forget how miserable your life was with that one ex and call them up again. I need to take a lesson from Xtro, and apply alcohol to my brain problem.

Wild Zero (2000)

Micah P. — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:51:38 +0000

The members of Wild Zero are the Ramones of Japan, however they also have the divine calling to kill zombies with a thick gooey coating of Japan’s Rock and Roll Spirit. This movie is just that goddamn awesome. As such, we’ve decided to resurrect one of our dead features, the live stream event, and rock it out-jingle style-on this Christmas evening. However, as opposed to just having one of us here tonigh, we’ve got a full cast of characters who are going to be offering input across the twitter-verse

(Oh. Yeah. Keep your eyes peeled for the Japanese Steve Buscemi)

Standard rules apply here, everything here is something shouted out during the course of the movie. By the way, it had its own drinking game, so things became kind of incoherent near the end as all the participants started slurring their words a bit. The lines in quotes are actually taken straight from the film. So don’t blame us.

Enjoy!

Why are all Asian zombies blue?
Hubcaps…in SPACE!
Japanese Rockabilly hair combing!
We should mention that Wild Zero ships with its own drinking game as a special feature
WHY CAN’T I SHOOT LIGHTING OUT OF MY GUITAR?!?
“There’s a wallet on my ass with a rock and roll license!”
Did we REALLY need the POV shot of him peeing in the urinal? SQUEEEEZE it out, SON!
Seriously, how many f***ing times do you need to comb your hair in a day?
What’s with those shorts. . oh, that’s a woman.
Why. Does. his. underwear. tie. up. on. the side? And did the actor REALLY have to have an erection during the ENTIRE scene?
Because cocaine in the milk is like a protein shake?
ZOMBIES!
And…uh…why is that zombie holding sandals?
Big. Giant. Hearts? on the screen? WHAT?
Stick your penis in it, the zombies go away.
That tiny bike says his penis is at LEAST a full pinky length in size. No overcompensating there!
never. Ever. Faint in front of the zombies.
The zombies are going to east Asian Moby! We won’t hear it though, because his shirt is too goddamned loud.
Mop against zombies= WIN
At some angles she looks like a man, at other angles she’s a very cute girl? Winona Ryder?
Why do zombies go straight for the panties?
Naked Marksmanship FTW!
Who has fire shooting out of their MICROPHONE?
They’ve wandered into some sort of building and um. . . SHE IS A MAN!
It’s the crying game all over again!!! AGGGHHHH! *Runs away to the bathroom*
“LOVE HAS NO BORDERS NATIONALITIES OR GENDERS!! DOOOO IT!”
Atheism Limit Break CROWBAR ENGAGE!!!
God, Guitar Wolf is like this sexy Terminator-alien-thing-man-beast. . .
That gun’s not a penis. No. Not at all.
His package has luster. Billy Mays here for the package buffer. . . Giggity.
Every time they fucking back-fist Asian Steve Buscemi, take a drink.
Why are they naked . . . and blue. . . and wearing. . .cod. . pieces?
They’ve just found ALL the guns. . .
charred barring hips. . . . . . charles brawlin’ herps. . . charlz broilin hips. . . she’s got ‘em. . .
Ok. Higgins is apparently tweeting everything I’m failing to say during the drinking game.
Guitar Wolf has got so much rock n’ roll he can kill zombies just with Guitar Picks. . .LIGHTNING GUITAR PICKS!
Let’s do a bunch of drugs and kill some zombies. Yep, sure. That’s what I’d do.
“THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES IN ROCK N’ ROLL! BELIEVE IN ROCK N’ ROLL.”
He still has an erection. . .
Gosh he is cute. Wait. That’s not right. . .
Nipple twist! Tune in Toyko!
Oh, that’s right, because he’s a wolf. He’s a Guitar Wolf. STILL A MAN!!!
He took off the wig and he’s EVEN GAYER, how does that work?!
Well, If this going to be that kind of party, I’m gonna to stick my dick in the mash potatoes.
ZOMBIE LOVE CAM!
“I swear by my leather jacket, and by rock n’ roll, I swear, I love you.”
“Courage and Rock n’ Roll, that’s what he taught me that night.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, this concludes this mass of the Church of the Cavalcade, we thank for your attendance and my penis is not that big.
The previous is what happens when you leave the twitter window open for random people to type. BAD Christmas guests! BAD!

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

Micah P. — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:26:13 +0000

After a month-long hiatus, we’ve decided to do another live stream event this afternoon, featuring the irish Zombie Horror/Teen Comedy Boy Eats Girl! Here’s the synopsis from Netflix:

Resurrected by his mother after a tragic accident, 17-year-old Nathan (David Leon) awakens with a taste for human flesh. Next thing you know, a run-in with a school bully (Mark Huberman) sets off events that spread Nathan’s “condition” all over town. Meanwhile, the undead Nathan tries to curb his appetite for his dream girl (Samantha Mumba) in this tongue-in-cheek zombie romp [...].

Here’s a transcript of our Live Blog:

2:31 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Our live event starts in 30minutes!
2:36 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock If you want to play along at home, all you have to do is either leave a comment here, or twitter using #boyeatsgirl as your tag
2:41 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Curious as to where you can find the movie? Netflix has it for streaming of course!
www.netflix.com
2:44 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Event starts in 15 minutes #boyeatsgirl
3:00 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Less than a minute to go, the movie’s queued up on the Xbox, green light coming….
3:00 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Now!
3:01 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Ok…so far 5 different production houses were involved in the making of this picture.
3:03 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Ok. Church Lady. Do you NOT think it might be a bad Idea to go back into the creepy room with the snake guarding it? Maybe?
3:04 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock While we’re at it…why DOES this church have creepy zombie crypt, anyway?
3:05 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Fun fact: This movie was the first non-pornographic movie for some years to be banned by the Irish Film Classification Office.
3:07 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Nathan likes the girl, Girl’s dad doesn’t dig Nathan. I say: Eat him.
3:08 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Seriously, what school has a random kickboxing gym?
3:10 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock “How does being Irish make you feel?” -”Suicidal.” ooookay. Cheerful kid!
3:11 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock OK. Cool school. Random oral sex in cars.
3:12 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock “I couldn’t go because I was home, sick with Bulemia.”
3:14 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock OK. We’ve established the whole “Teen comedy” aspect. I want zombies.
3:18 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Wait. You KNOW her dad hates you, so you call her HOUSE instead of her phone who’s number you already HAVE?
3:20 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Mechanics of the script are busy forcing the different players along. And seriously dude, it’s your own BEDROOM, and you keep hitting your head on the damn wall?
3:21 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock playing drunkenly with a noose can only end badly…
3:22 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Especially when mom comes in, knocks you off the stool accidentally, and…yep.
3:23 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Oh, it was only a dream! Sure! Mom didn’t raise you from the dead! No, not at all!
3:25 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Um Father? Why DO you keep a “book of Pagan Trickery” in your crypt? Just askin’…
3:28 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Calling the girl you like a “slut” is not really the best idea, just sayin’
3:30 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Oh, wait. Now I’m invulnerable and have weird veiny things…Sure, it was all a dream.
3:33 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Attacking the flesh-craving undead thing with your fists, probably not the smartest move either.
3:34 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock …Hence the bite, Genius.
3:37 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock “Nothing happened at the dance, mom. I totally didn’t eat that bully at school!”
3:39 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Other bits of advice: never say “spit it out, son” to a zombie. Oh, he ate the DOG! I LOVE this movie!
3:43 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock “Hey son, sorry about the fact that I brought you back as a flesh-eating zombie. My bad.”- You know, he took that news in stride fairly well.
3:44 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Our writeup and trailer|for the event can be found here: cavalcadeofschlock.com
3:47 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Ok, evil Dad is hitting on the other teenage girls. Creeeeepy. He totally neeeds to be kil…oh, there he goes!
3:48 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock It’s a personal philosophy that I never go checkin on the squishy noises behind the counter at a video store.
3:49 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock EW…Zombie BJ! MESSY!
3:51 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock You know, the zombie bits in this movie are pretty damn good! Yay for priest eating somebody in the confessional!
3:55 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock “So uh, Nathan, what’s it like bein’ dead?” heh heh.
3:56 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock I love the fact that these guys biggest concern with not being a zombie is that they can’t get an erection.
4:00 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock This just in, Voodoo snake-bite cures zombie infection! Send a note to Johnson & Johnson!
4:02 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Awesome! Death by high-heeled shoe!
4:06 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Best zombie weapon. EVER. Backhoe and mulcher in one!
4:11 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Runing, punching, wrestling, flesh-eating, raging zombies! And only slightly gory. I mean he RIPPED the goddamn head off with his bare hands
4:13 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock All we need now is a flaming zombie (he said hopefully!)
4:15 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock Before we fade to credits here….weren’t there OTHER people in town that were bitten?
4:15 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock I guess not.
4:16 PM: Cavalcade of Schlock As the credits roll, we’re going to close out the event. Oh hey, the magic snake’s name was “Buffy”…and was a dude. ‘kay.

Driven to Kill (2009)

Micah P. — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:20:11 +0000

There are a few questions that will haunt the hearts and minds of great thinkers throughout the ages:

Why are we here?
Are we the genetic descendants of apes, or were we puffed into existence by the sneeze of a cosmic being?
What the hell happened to Steven Seagal ’s career?

This is a guy who once starred with Kurt Russel and Halle Barry in Executive Decision! Granted, Kurt Russel’s star isn’t as bright as it once was either, and Halle Barry’s hadn’t started to shine just yet, but still! Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Seige, as ridiculous as these movies are, they were serious money-makers in their day, so why is he doing nothing but direct-to-DVD crap like-well-the movie we’re about to watch?

We’re not sure, considering the bigger mystery t0 us, after having seen the above movies, is how he ever became a star in the first place.

Being that we have recently subjected ourselves to the worst of horror and sci-fi, we’ve noticed a distinct lack of pure action movies. So, when the option for a brand-spankin-new Seagal epic popped into our queue, we figured “why not?“

While attending the wedding of his estranged daughter, Lanie (Laura Mennell), crime novelist Ruslan Drachev (Seagal) is drawn back into his Russian mafia past when the groom turns out to be the son of his old nemesis, Mikhail Arban (Igor Jijikine). Soon, Ruslan’s in the thick of a violent quest for vengeance in this gritty action thriller, also starring Dan Payne, Mike Dopud and Holly Eglington.

Yep, sounds perfect!

In two minutes, we start Driven to Kill
We’re starting the show off with a beer. Because frankly, it needs one.
This Direct-to-DVD epic was directed by Jeff King, and stars Steven Seagal, Zak Santiago, and Inna Korobkina.
Huh. Girlfriend offers a threesome for a shell game trick?
Seagal trying to have a semblance of a russian accent? ooookaaay.
psssst-His secret is he whispers a lot.
Call me crazy, but a big martial arts action star shouldn’t have a beer gut. Though stabbing someone in the face with a glass was cool.
A word, Mr. Bad Guy. When a woman says you’re not a “real man”, bitch-slapping her only proves her point.
uh oooooh, dangerous tat on the fiancee. I don’t care who you marry, my daughter, but their tattoos cannot be better than mine!
Seriously, the shot choices in this movie are just-well…bad. Why have people staring off into space when they’re supposed to be speaking face-to-face?
And why would the fiancee get all bitter over his girl getting her grandmother’s wedding ring as an heirloom?
Err. As a gift. Beer good.
Hey Steven? If the ring is so damn precious to you, uh, why did you leave it on the desk and walk out of the room?
What cop leaves his badge lying around at an ACTIVE CRIME SCENE?
Oh noes! The Murdering bastards stole the precious ring you left lying around on a goddamn table! I am so shocked! I am!
This movie might have had a chance if the director knew what the hell he was doing. Trying to find the words to describe it. How do you screw up a shot of a guy walking down a street?
Good exchange: “What you want?” “.38″ “You know Disco’s dead, right?” “.38 doesn’t leave brass.”
First major action scene. Involves a beating with a pipe. Don’t know why, but I expected a hell of a lot more from this movie. Fails at basic editing.
“Told you I wasn’t a cop, bitch!” Really?
Wait? It’s a big deal to protect the girl in the hospital…so you leave her in an open area, with no guard???
“Don’t get shot, and stay behind me”-then he promptly pushes his sidekick out in front!
Well….so much for mystery about the bad guy. Dumbest. Plan. Ever.
Wait. It’s an R-rated direct-to-DVD exploitation action movie… and no nudity at the strip club???
There we go!
A knife fight with lots of swooping sounds…and nobody actually taking a stab at anything? Good idea!
You sliced a major artery, CG blood spraying everywhere, and you are completely clean! Of course you are!
Ummm…huge gunfight right outside of a police station…and not a single cop comes to investigate? Really?
Again! He stabs someone in the carotid artery. He stands right in front of him as he bleeds out, and his jacket looks freshly dry cleaned!
*Gasp* The incredibly powerful russian mobster has a dirty cop on his payroll? Who could have predicted such a surprise?!?
A shootout in a hospital, with long camera shots? No, not stealing from John Woo’s Hard Boiled at all.
God. For a movie with all of these bullets (well, shooting…no bullets) and bad explosions, I’m bored silly.
There are ZERO wide shots of Seagal doing any fighting. Hmm… I wonder why that is?
Well damn! THAT almost made the whole movie worthwhile! He stabbed him in the eye with a pistol, and THEN shot him!
“Solicitation” to commit murder? I could have sworn it’s called “Conspiracy”.
This movie recycles shots A LOT. The entire epilogue is the prologue played back with the image flipped.
Guh…what a cheap movie. Glad it’s over. Wasn’t even bad enough to be fun.

The Howling VII (1995)

Micah P. — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:34:00 +0000

Every Friday we’re going to scour the worst of the worst to watch on Netflix Streaming and live blog the event through our Twitter feed (@cavalcadeos ).

When digging through the dregs of the Netflix inventory to find out the next abomination to which we were going to subject ourselves for your reading pleasure, We came across The Howling franchise’s final offering in The Howling VII: New Moon Rising. Considering that the first film was screened at our second-ever Cavalcade Event, I decided to take a closer look. Now, any time a film franchise makes it to number 7, you know they’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. It’s only the fact that we wanted every James Bond to be exactly the same as the first that they got away with recycling ideas in Diamonds are Forever. Otherwise, look around and you’ll see failed films that pale in comparison: Star Trek: Generations, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, and Hellraiser: Deader (which wasn’t even a Hellraiser movie when it was originally scripted).

Considering that the quality of the Howling series-where the first film was a cult sensation and the rest were terrible to start, and just got progressively worse-our hopes aren’t high for New Moon Rising. Especially when you consider the fact that they recycle footage from the previous movies to save money on the “werewolf budget”. But enough of that: Let’s look to the synopsis, shall we?

As pulled from Netflix:

A mysterious motorcyclist arrives in a remote desert town looking for work but becomes the prime suspect when several local people disappear. When their bodies start to turn up, mangled almost beyond recognition, a priest suggests that the killings may be the work of a werewolf on the prowl. As the police try to find the murderer, the town’s residents wonder which of them has become a monster.

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST Friday, July 3rd:

12.29

Thank god that P.O.S. is over.

12.28

Seriously, there was less than 2 minutes of screen time for the wolf, and there was at least 40 of musical numbers!

12.28

We finally see a wolf that's not recycled footage, and it's a store-bought costume! And now we kill it, and cut to a final musical number!

12.24

6 minutes to wrap this piece of crap up. Let's see how they do it!

12.20

"There are gaps that need to be filled" Yeah. The whole freakin' movie. Bury it, fill the hole with cement.

12.19

"Werewolf's mind-control?" REALLY?

12.14

Oh great. The priest is advocating killing a guy, because he thinks he's a werewolf. No evidence of this, of course.

12.12

We have 2 seconds of Wolf! We saw him!....and the footage was taken from another movie.

12.11

And now, we finally have things happening...they don't make any sense! Who's the cop? Why is he randomly beating on our "protagonist"? And...oh hell. I don't care.

12.06

Oh, hey...another musical number with everybody singing around a random campfire! I'm feeling the urge to hurt someone.

12.02

Oh LOOK...we now have ANOTHER person telling stories using recycled footage from a previous movie! The only wolves we have seen, a full hour into the movie, have been from the recycled footage.

11.58

"I'm really scared!" Why? WHY? NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!

11.57

The true horror here is that I'm still watchng this.

11.57

...which promptly seagues into yet ANOTHER musical interlude complete with dancing!

11.56

And yet ANOTHER musical interlude complete with dancing!

11.54

"we're wasting valuable drinking time"-The first damn thing this movie has said that I completely agree with!

11.52

This isn't a horror movie. A Horrible movie, yes, but the only horror is in the fact that it's a country-western musical version of Cheers! With fart jokes.

11.48

Nope. But we've started the whole country music montage again! Complete with lame sight-gags!

11.47

Well hey, 45 minutes in and we have were-o-vision again. I wonder if we're actually going to SEE the wolf in this movie?

11.43

4 minutes of lame jokes....and now another musical number! WHAT. THE. FUCK?

11.41

Seriously, who the hell IS George Jones? Why do they keep bringing him up?

11.40

And now we have an old lady playing spoons. Seriously.

11.38

Oh, hey...more country music numbers with line dancing. Why would I expect anything else?

11.33

Jeebus. 32 minutes in and half the damn thing has been full of recycled footage from the last movie, the other half? Crappy country musical with lame jokes.

11.29

Surprise, surprise: MORE FOOTAGE FROM THE LAST MOVIE! As a matter of fact, so far, the only werewolves we've seen is in the footage from the last movie!

11.25

And somebody just got themselves ate.

11.23

FINALLY! Something! Red-filtered-werewolf-vision!

11.22

Aaaand now we have more line dancing. Seriously? 20 minutes in and we've only had 4 country music numbers and a bunch of recycled footage from the last movie!

11.19

And now we have another redneck musical montage sequence...with urinals and mullets.

11.18

Guy just said "we've been talking for a couple of hours". Dude. Those "couple hours" have been for 3 days! I love great editing!

11.17

Aaaaaaaand more footage from the last movie. Seriously, this movie is carbon neutral. It's all about recycling.

11.16

....and now there's more dancing. 14 minutes in, and we've had high-school drama class quality line delivery and.....dancing. Country dancing. Please send help.

11.13

Ok...so due to fantastic editing, these two old guys have been having a five minute conversation for the last 2 days now. Hey look! More footage from the last movie!

11.12

Ok. We now have a montage sequence with synthesized country music of a bunch of rednecks drinking at a bar and dancing in sombreros? What is this, the blue-collar comedy tour?

11.11

In the middle of scenes of people talking, they cut to footage of the same people line dancing? Then back to talking? And now there's sombreros?

11.08

The lead inspector is a Matlock wannabe...and now we have random country line dancing???

11.07

Now we have a bunch of drunk locals talking about George Jones at a bar? Now they're making incredibly bad puns about infectious diseases "smallcox" anyone?

11.05

Wow. They really DID just put in a video tape of the last movie and stand around talking about it for an entire scene! "Recovered footage from the scene"

11.04

We are now following a biker through toown to some rollicking syntesized rock music.

11.03

Written, Produced, and Directed by Clive Turner. I now know to whom I should direct my bile.

11.02

First three line: "Jesus Christ", "Holy Shit", "Mother of God". By 3 of the most bored hillbillies I've ever seen.

11.01

Starting up Howling VII. Not looking forward to this.

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Micah P. — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:36:29 +0000

One of the great things about running the Cavalcade is that whenever we're asked to speak about our desire to bring back the Drive-In Grindhouse movie experience, people can't help but to excitedly blurt out their own personal favorite B-movie experiences, often leading to us discovering new gems.

On one such occasion, we were introduced to the amazing Kung Fu Cult Cinema website, a fantastic resource for all things Asian Cinema. An attendee of one of our Events was so excited about a little film she found through their site, she couldn't stop talking about it. It led to us bringing it into our homes and being completely blown away by its sheer....Awesomeness.

And what, pray-tell, was that fine cinematic gem that sent our minds reeling into the outer reaches of the spiral arm of the western consciousness?

Two words: Machine Girl (2007)

This movie has it all. Ninjas. Yakuza. Flying Guillotine. Chaingun Arms. A Drill Bra. Death by Tempura.

It. Was. Amazing.

But while we were still reeling, the DVD followed through with the promise of more to come in the form of a trailer for Tokyo Gore Police , a film that promises to outdo Machine Girl on every level. We're here to tell you: If there isn't a ton of gore and some police against the backdrop of Tokyo, we're going to have some problems.

When a crazed scientist called Key Man develops a virus that causes humans to mutate, samurai sword-wielding cop Ruka is called in to annihilate the unnatural creatures. Can Ruka wipe out the mutations and stop Key Man before the virus takes over humanity? Little does Ruka know, though, that the slaying of her father years before means she shares a hidden bond with her nemesis. Yoshihiro Nishimura's fast-paced gorefest stars Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao and Shôko Nakahara.

Look. We know we promise that we "look for the worst Netflix has to offer" each week. But frankly, the last few films have seriously impacted that crucial sector of our brains we like to call our "will to live". Give us this one week to actually enjoy a flick, huh? Please?

Please refresh this page to see the latest live-blog post after 2pm the day of the event.

We’re starting up Tokyo Gore Police
The movie is startign with a light jazzy score and kids in the park…And dad’s a super hero!
and HIS HEAD EXPLODED!
This is more like it! Dark! Broody! BLOODY!
Why are there mattresses on the top of the cars?
Eeeew, eyeball sushi!
Sooo this is going ot be a live-action anime. Only…weirder.
With a heroine having issues with an exacto knife..and her wrist. Hey look, LEATHERFACE!
Seriously, how can you NOT notice the chainsaw-weilding maniac walking up behind you?
He just grew a new organic CHAINSAW arm that he can throw with a retractable chain! I WANT ONE!
Oh wait. Hot school girl rocket jumping with a bazooka. I’m in love!
Um. Dude. Don’t try to eat the chainsaw. Bad for your teeth.
SWORD DUEL…WITH CHAINSAWS! Is it wrong that I’m aroused by this?
All that before the title sequence! I need a cigarette.
They just executed a criminal for a commercial. That’s marketing we can believe in!
What’s up with all these people with saws for hands? The coroner has a bone saw for a right arm!
A key-shaped tumor is a trademark of a mutant? Huh?
The cops are in full cyber-samurai armor. And the car-tops are temple roofs?
Ominous chorus, flickering lights…Somebody gonna bleeed soon. OUT COMES THE SWORD!
The gimp..is..an..amputee? Being walked like a pet dog by a demon cyber-samurai? AWESOME.
Aaaaand it’s her boss wishing her a happy birthday. This is one F’d-up police department!
Ok. The police captain is one freaky dude.
Ok..Thaaaat’s a dildo.
aaaaand that’s a creepy dude in a diaper.
Seriously. What is up with the Japanese and doing weird things to schoolgirls?
*gasp* it’s the key-shaped tumor! This can’t be good!
Aaaand there goes the madam. I do believe she is being drained of blood into baby bottles..
DUDE! INTESTINES IN A COMMERCIAL! WHAT. THE. HELL??
A new packing method of stuffing whole prostitutes into a tiny box for convenience!
And now the hero is dressed as a prostitute. OF COURSE she is. Oh, and let us not forget the umbrella sword.
And now for a commercial for fashionable wrist cutting toys? WOW.
Dude is eating Cicadas covered in maggots. Grossest thing. EVER.
Ok. One woman you do NOT want to fondle in the train is the one who will cut your arms off!
Um. Why are you going to sit there and watch him mutate? STAB HIM SOME MORE!
he PULLED THE TOP OF HIS HEAD OFF AND HAS EYE CANNONS???
Hard to use facial recognition when you only have the top half of a FACE.
A Wii mote with a knife where you can actually disembowel people by remote control? That’s a product I WANT!
The commercials in this movie make those in Robocop look like freakin’ Sesame Street.
um. the stripper has an eyball in her mouth, and a penis for a nose. not the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Golden Showers…FROM A CHAIR. WHAT?
No. I mean THE CHAIR is peeing on people!
When the genetically modified prostitute with weird skin grafts straps you down, this is not good.
aaaaand she bit it off. TOLD you, dude. Told you.
We have decided we need vodka.
Her entire lower half is now an aligator jaw! You don’t WANT to know where the throat is!
Honestly. I don’t know that I can say anything more about this movie. I just watched a mutant vagina EAT a man.
4-foot-long PENIS CANNON!
And now we pause for exposition. Complete with illustrations in crayon!
The only thing weirder than the movie is its explanation.
For Supercops, these guys really let people walk up behind them and shoot them in the head WAY too easily.
“Thanks a lot for telling me…you insane bastard”-Best line in the movie.
The movie has now become amputee porn.
Acid-shooting-Nipple-cannons? REALLY?
We have decided we need more booze.

20 Minutes later…

We now have strawberry thingamajiggies with vodka and SoCo.
22 minutes of solid ultra-violence left….
There are a pile of body parts, and one of the cops is licking a severed foot.
Fist gatling gun? I want to MEET the guy who came up with this!
Flying middle fingers of DOOOM!
And now we have an epic battle with a 0-limbed amputee that replaced everything with swords!
The bad guy is flying on Blood-jet propelled leg stumps!
Amputee now has MACHINE GUN LIMBS! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!
And that’s the end. OH, MY FUCKING GOD, was this movie awesome!
Last sbot of the movie: “MORE GORE COMING SOON!” With that, we close out Tokyo Gore Police. Thanks all!

X-treme Fighter (2004)

Micah P. — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:19:10 +0000

Every Friday we're going to scour the worst of the worst to watch on Netflix Streaming and live blog the event through our Twitter feed (@cavalcadeos).

As a working video game journalist, and someone who writes fairly often about movies, this author is more than a little familiar with the licensed video game phenomenon. There’s a fairly long-standing rule on both ends. Licensed games (with rare exceptions) are unrepentant suck-fests, and movies based on games are equally bad. Before anybody leaps to the defense of this title or another, we direct you to the House of the Dead and DOOM movies, as well as the E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial video game. These mountains of noxious filth are more than enough to counterbalance any limited amounts of joy one might receive from the recent surprises of X-Men Origins: Wolverine (a game that was 100-times better than the movie) and Ghostbusters: The Video Game or the first Mortal Kombat film. Indeed, they are like black holes of anguish from which no sense of joy can ever escape again.

It is with this knowledge that we gaze upon the film summary Netflix has for this Friday's Live Stream choice with more than slight trepidation:

Gamers will rejoice over this fast-paced thriller that places a teenage rebel (Dan Mayid) in the heart of a high-tech contest. Somehow, he's gotten stuck in virtual reality and faces one dangerous opponent: a computer virus. He needs someone to watch his back and help him get to safety, and he gets his wish when his father (Don Wilson) joins him in this alternate world -- one where smarts are just as important as strength and teamwork trumps all.

So We have Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Lorenzo Lamas, and Cynthia Rothrock-that maven of martial arts mayhem from the direct-to-video '90s all together in a flick that aspires to being a video game movie?

Yep, we're definitely afraid now.

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST

12.52

Well, that ends the screening of X-Treme Fighter/Sci-Fighter. Not as weird as the others, but just kinda...yeah.

12.52

Don "The Dragon" Wilson is a world champion Kickboxer? REALLY? I have trouble with this.

12.51

Wait! The Credits are on!

12.50

Err..not to be rude, but why the movie be going on?

12.48

Wait. He's TEACHING bad hollywood fighting now?

12.45

Wait. How will the virus destroy our world if it's in a closed computer system? Oh, I'm sorry. Logic.

12.43

Yay! Sparkly pixie dust on all impacts! It's Tekken!

12.39

So the final boss is some steroid-case with spikes in his head?

12.36

You think the portal is over here? Behind the DOOR? gasp!

12.35

Wait, the super plan to escape is....run away? Not very action-heroic.

12.28

I love how they keep cutting back to gratuitous bikini women during the fight.

12.23

and we're back to afterschool special.

12.22

It can't be easy to kick like that in stretch leather pants....

12.20

Purple ninja?

12.20

You know, mind-numbingly-stupid story aside, the fighting is fairly quality from everybody except the leads.

12.19

Go through the tunnel he says...and points to an pass between rocks. Um...that's not a tunnel, dude.

12.15

"They call me...THE STREET FIGHTER, Jack"

12.14

Like a bad video game, this movie suffers from repetitive enemies.

12.12

MONKEYGILBERTNINJA is back!

12.10

"Two heads are better than one. Dragon-Twins ACTIVATE" followed by Elvis dancing. I'm kinda...yeah.

12.08

I can't help but think this movie would be sooo much better with Sonny Chiba in the lead.

12.06

Damn. Another Don Wilson fight. These people make Ninjas seriously uncool.

12.03

And they're trying to do wire-fu? Wow. Reeeeally baad wire-fu...With Fireballs.

12.02

MONKEY NINJA that sounds like Gilbert Godfried?

12.01

MONKEY NINJA!

12.01

Comparison: Will Shatner in classic Star Trek=Better Fighting Skills

12.00

Seriously, how did Don Wilson ever get to be a Martial Art's action hero-type-person? I forgot how horrible he really is.

11.59

Super-Science guy isn't all that Super-Science-y. Some genius HE is.

11.57

NINJA!

11.57

"his mind is trapped in the game...you have to go in there and fight all the fighters to rescue him" Yes. Direct quote.

11.55

The kid is a better fighter (screen-wise), than the star of the movie.

11.53

ahhhhh more afterschool special! I almost thought this was a cheesy martial arts flick for a second!

11.51

Wait, Mr. Smart scientist guy. You KNOW it's broken and dangerous, and your testing method is to USE it?

11.51

aaaand we're back to the afterschool special.

11.50

Seriously, I think they really wanted to make a franchise out of this. They KEEP on about how cool a name "Sci-Fighter" is.

11.49

Well it was until "The Dragon" got involved.

11.48

Ok. THIS fighting is better.

11.47

The Dragon as a shiny-silver-caped Super Hero!

11.46

But the flirty computer is doofycreepyweird.

11.46

Oh cool. The fighters in the "Sci-Fighter" are all real martial arts competitors...as listed in the credits.

11.45

Dude. Headbands. No.

11.44

And the super-sweet grand-daddy scientist took Military equipment home to give his grandson? Sure. Ok.

11.43

And an a poster for TAO FENG? Did anybody ACTUALLY play that crappy game?

11.43

Ok. Seriously. Badly acted sunday special aside, let's get to the badly acted asskicking!

11.41

The hot girlfriend got him concert tickets, and you wonder why he's disappointed in a new kung fu uniform?

11.39

Swoot! It's Jet Set radio on the Dreamcast in the background! Yay for breakdancing rollerbladers!

11.39

...With soft piano music and brooding teens saying things like "you don't understand!"-I'm touched, no, really.

11.37

And now we have time for The Dragon's afterschool special.

11.36

Another random thong....and Don "The Dragon" Wilson's son is gettin' drinky and sexed up in his dad's Hot Tub! Woot!

11.30

Well, old-scientist-dad-guy just used the "Sci-Fighter" tag, like, 7 times. So I guess this movie's gonna be called....X-Treme fighter!

11.30

...and random Capoeira-breakdancer-guy at pool party.

11.30

Ooh! Random Thong!

11.30

Why is that 12-year-old martial arts boy dancing with a sword...with a pink ribbon?

11.30

Uh oh, Don's dad is a "computer generated reality" specialist for the FBI. And nice... He's a dead man.

11.29

And Cynthia Rothrock is a lonely scientist??? Really?

11.29

I want a robot sparrow sidekick!

11.29

Lorenzo Lamas! He has a robotic bird sidekick??? And he's a martial Ar...no, what?

11.29

Oh dear. Don "The Dragon" Wilson is....emoting??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

11.29

First fight already in...35 seconds. Nice. Aaaaand it sucks. Keanu Reeves did a better job in the Matrix. C'MON!

11.29

With a cast with that many collective trophies, the fighting better be good.

11.28

The movie is listing it's credits over some cheesy metal. Each actor has listed the martial arts achievements under their name.

11.13

X-Treme fighter is also known as "Sci-Fighter". One sounds like a bad TV original, while the other sounds like an ill-conceived Mtn Dew ad.

Alien Blood (1999)

Micah P. — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:22:01 +0000

Every Friday we're going to scour the worst of the worst to watch on Netflix Streaming and live blog the event through our Twitter feed (@cavalcadeos).

Ah, Troma. How have we not yet had one of your lovely cinematic gems grace our screens? How could we have gone so long without a film from the makers of The Toxic Avenger. How could we not get on our hands and knees and prostrate ourselves before the altar of those that brought forth the almighty Class of Nuke 'em High ?

Well, allow me to tell you, dear readers, that this oversight is about to be addressed. For on the Friday live-blog, we-the Cavalcade of Schlock army-shall take up arms, and march on the fields littered with Alien Blood (1999), a film actually produced by a company called West Coast Films, and distributed by Troma. WCFs only other credit on IMDB is a film from 1922. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that’s not the same West Coast Films, unless they only surface to produce a movie every 77 years, like some bizarre kind of production Cicada-creature. If that’s the case, then we should be safe until 2076. But let’s move on to the synopsis, shall we?

As pulled from Netflix:

An extraterrestrial mother determined to save her daughter and her unborn child seeks refuge in a house full of vampires in this offbeat blend of sci-fi and horror. Pursued through the English countryside by a band of assassins, pregnant Helene (Francesca Manning) and her daughter Monique (Rebecca Stirling) break into a mysterious house. Confronted by the bloodsucking residents, Helene goes on a gruesome killing spree to protect her offspring!

We’ve got ourselves Aliens, Unborn Alien Fetuses, and Vampires!

I don’t know whether to be wickedly excited, or terrified.

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST

Alien Blood (1999). Starts off with some weird dream-pyro-screaming-thing.
Oooh…Ominous titles. “The Last Day of the Century”. Now onto one of the worst fight scenes I’ve ever seen.
Poor waiter, all he did was knock on a door. Did that really mean you had to kick him in the groin 5 times?
“Introducing: Rebecca Sterling” who according to IMDB, went on to do….absolutely nothing.
Huh, music’s nice. Got that Blade Runner vibe. Only cheaper.
Produced, Directed, Written, Executive produced, and catered by Jon Sorenson
Seriously, what’s up with all the sunglasses?
So far, 8 characters, 6 in sunglasses. What is this, The Matrix?
CSI, wearing sunglasses INSIDE, taking pictures. Right. Sure. Ok.
Wait, is she preggers? Or does she already have a kid? It keeps flipping back and forth. And why tai chi?
Ok, is this ENTIRE movie shot in slow mo? I mean, even John Woo doesn’t abuse the Slow Mo this much!
Yes. That is indeed a pretty vista to look at, Director. Or at least it WOULD BE IF YOU DIDN’T HIDE IT BEHIND A THICK RED FILTER!
Oh, he MUST be evil! He has TWO walky-talkies that make sonar pings!
Ok. Seriously, the entire movie is shot like a damn nature video with dolphins. All relaxing synths, slow-mo, and crossfades.
Sniper…using an Uzi? Yeah. Sure. Ok. Uh oh! she took off her glasses! AW YEEAAAH!
Now the little kid is gettin’ down! Some assasin you are. A 10 year old gave you a beatdown…and then got shot. Well THAT’S a downer.
What? Alien screaming? Is that supposed to be the blonde lady-What?
CG looks straight out of X-Com: UFO Defense.
We’re 20 minutes in, and finally have dialogue. Er..villain monologue, rather.
Ok. The fact that somebody a crewman sneezed in the middle of his monologue was pretty funny.
Random…juggler… in the middle of the swamp? WHAT?
Well, at least they shot him in the head. Serves him right for juggling in the woods.
Oh hey, naked lesbians in a farmhouse. Ok, sure. Why not?
And now we pause fo an entire scene shot in slow-motion of them dressing each other. Why is that, exactly?
and now people having incredibly fake sex in a bed, naked chick in a bathtub…and a doorbell.
And why are vampires biting each other for no reason? Don’t they feed off of humans?
Ok Dude. You’re having sex with her BELLY BUTTON! Aim lower!
And now we pause for a random bagpiper scene.
Well then we shoot the bagpiper. Serves him right. Playing bagpipes in the woods and all.
I wonder why no one ever told these people that an UZI is not a SNIPER RIFLE.
And now they’re all hissing at each other, to what? Say “Hi”?
So Dracula is a pudgy english horndog? Ok. Sure.
And the only attractive woman in the entire picture is sitting naked in a bathtub rearranging candles.
We have Aliens, Vampires, Psychics, and soldiers with Uzi Sniper Rifles. Just wanted to take a tally.
Seriously, somebody should have given the crew on the film Anti-histamines. Somebody off camera keeps sneezing.
And why is there an ominus thrum around Dracula’s wife? It kind of follows her around.
aaaannd the psychic is still in the bathtub….dreaming of aliens.
This girl got thrown down, they cut away to another room, cut back, and she got thrown down again. Bad editing…
You know what? Dialogue doesn’t make this any less confusing and stupid.
Beware armed pregnant alien mommas. They shoot first, ask for help later.
And hey, the vampire just peed himself.
Halfway through the movie! Woot! The endurance challenge continues!Wait, she speaks english? Then why was she speaking french? She’s asking for help in the wrong language on purpose?
All kidding aside, if they shot the movie at normal speed it would be over by now.
At least the psychic had time to change outfits in the middle of a FIREFIGHT.
24 whole minutes left to go…
Lesbian Vampires with Uzis!
I’m starting to think that the sneeze is a sound effect. But it occurs so randomly!
Wait, the kid can cause seizures in the bad guys? And he waits until NOW to do this?
Wait…he can MELT people by looking at them? Why the hell do they need protection again?
And for vampires, they are awfully fragile….what the shit? Spaceship!
Um miss? It’s a fully-automatic weapon, you don’t need to keep squeezing the trigger.
Wow, the psychic JUST figured out these are aliens. She’s a quick one, she is.
And to pad the movie even further, let’s keep recycling footage!
Wait, I thought the bagpiper was dead?
Dear god this movie is f-ing confusing. And bad. Never forget bad.
What??? Where’d the baby come from?
And the vampires can go out into the Sun? How are they even VAMPIRES?
I don’t even know what I just watched. I need to…yeah. My mind feels violated.

Raiders of the Damned (2005)

Micah P. — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 10:48:50 +0000

Every Friday we're going to scour the worst of the worst to watch on Netflix Streaming and live blog the event through our Twitter feed (@cavalcadeos).

This week on the live stream, I decided to go back to a genre that is near and dear to all of our hearts: Zombies. In diving through the specialized Zombie sub-section of the Horror category on Netflix, I found any number of potentials, some of whom will definitely be appearing on this website sooner or later. Wiseguys Vs. Zombies, Insane in the Brain, and my personal favorite, Die you Zombie Bastards!

So when it came to choosing today's feature, I decided to keep it simple and reverse the ratings listing. For those unaware, Netflix asks you to give movies a star rating after you watch them. Based on these scores, the service assigns potential ratings on movies in order to give you an idea of how much you'd like it. The more movies you review, the more accurate their predictions (according to their documentation). The first night I was a member, I rated 157 movies. Since then I've lost count.

You can then sort movies in sections based on their predicted rating, and when choosing movies, I tend to look in the 1-2 star area. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a 1/2 star movie. The single lowest rated movie I could find on the site in the Zombie section. In other words: pure gold.

Raiders of the Damned tells a tale in the post-apocalyptic wastelands of the final days of World War III, where an unleashed biochemical weapon rendered Earth a post-apocalyptic wasteland overrun by cannibalistic zombies. When a helicopter carrying a group of scientists - humanity's last hope for survival - crashes in zombie central, a military ops team led by Dr. Lewis ( played by Richard Grieco, from 21 Jump Street) is dispatched to rescue them. Now it's up to the only soldiers still alive to fight the bloodthirsty zombies for control of the planet - or die trying! The twist, according to the marketing materials for the movie, is that "Their bodies are rotting corpses, but their minds are still hideously alive!"

That's right, smart Zombies.

By now, the reasons for choosing this should be painfully obvious. However, if you still aren't sold, check this trailer-the only trailer that could be found-on Amazon.

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST

We’re 2 minutes away from Raiders of the Damned. I’ll admit, slightly afraid of this one. It’s rated lower than Bloodrayne…
Aww man! It’s “formatted to fit my TV”! Wait. Was this shot for television?
Oh yeah, THAT’s a rubber mask. We’re in for a treat!
Zombie Archers!
Zombie general holding an umbrella…giving ORDERS? YES!
What’s with the purple faced zombie? With a catapult! Are we sure this isn’t Army of Darkness?
Richard Grieco is giving the crazy scientist monologue. Giving exposition. Microsoft made the zombies with Windows 9x.
Oh, I’m sorry. AGENT 9x.
“Don’t judge us too harshly” In other words: “We’re sorry the script sucks”
I dare say the crazy Grieco is wearing Mascara.
Crazy Grieco has spontaneously generated a pair of glasses… and has a fur ball.
It seems as though he’s trying to be Brad Pitt from 12 Monkeys.
This Crenshaw dude, why do they always cut away from him when he talks? You never see his face when he speaks!
Hey! They showed him talking! At first I thought it was a style thing. Now I realize it’s just bad editing.
They need to find and execute the sound guy for this movie. He fails at little things, like audible dialogue. Or sound effects matching actions on screen
Oh, he’s given up now. People keep talking, no sound a -comin’ out of their mouths! Impressive!
Good lord, we get it already! They’re all misfits. You don’t need to show the recruitment (with accompanying long scene) of EACH ONE!
Now they’re looping repeating dialogue and pretending…wha… huh?
Ok, when captured scientist keeps laughing when she’s trying to be afraid? That’s not so good.
Seriously, I don’t think I can make fun of this. It actually aspires to be a “B” movie. No, never mind. A “C” movie.
When your team is half-female, you may want to think about the chauvinistic attitude.
The cinematographer is photographing chins. Never quite getting a person in frame. I’d think this was deliberate but…
Why does everyone have Katanas? Machete’s I’d understand. But KATANAS?
I can’t complain about the sound anymore. I mean, they had somebody off-camera coughing throughout all the dialogue on a scene.
Note: There was nobody else around in the scene. The coughing person was obviously someone on the crew.
Wait, your badass didn’t even make it to the first battle? She fell off a rope? REALLY?
Rather than having squibs, they use strobe lights. Yep. Quality entertainment.
Followed by randomly superimposing zombie puppets on the screen. Why did I subject myself to this again?
We are moments away from witnessing zombie sex. Yep. Really quality entertainment.
Aaaaaaand there we are!
And now they’re going with the First-person-shooter cam. How much time left in this movie again?
Wait, you can kill a zombie by breaking it’s neck? REALLY?
“I’ve never had use for catatonic women, but on you it’s a sexy look”-Ok, THAT was worthwhile!
He’s a “sniper”? With a machine gun? Dear god the movie just will NOT END!
Sorry to be all quiet here, but the movie has kinda stunned me stupid. I can feel my brain leaking slowly out my ear.
Now they want to be an action movie? With zombie kung fu? Ok. Yeah. Sure.
I’m willing to lay odds that mis catatonic USA is preggers with a zombie baby.
And she’s laughing when trying to be scared again. Fairly positive she slept with the director to get the role.
Why is it dead of night on one side of the wall, but broad daylight on the other? It’s a WALL, not a teleporter.
Wait, now it’s overcast??
And why is a soldier wearing press-on nails?
You know what? This movie didn’t make a lick of sense. The ending is just um.. yeah.
Well that was Raiders of the Damned. I am going to go shoot myself in the head now

Bloodrayne (2005)

Micah P. — Fri, 29 May 2009 14:57:40 +0000

Every Friday we're going to scour the worst of the worst to watch on Netflix Streaming and live blog the event through our Twitter feed (@cavalcadeos).

This week on the live stream, we're going up a few tiers in budget and name recognition, mostly to scrub the filth we've sat through the last two weeks out of our skull (my skull's still ringing from The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai). Instead we're going to go for a B movie that actually saw some screentime state-side.

Bloodrayne is based (albiet, loosely) on the video game of the same name. It's main protagonist is a Half-Vampire/Half-Human on a quest to find her Vampire father and seek bloody vengeance against him. During the course of the video game, she takes out Nazi's, monsters, and other vamps while working for the Brimstone society, a secret organization that fights the forces of darkness. Think Blade, but with more boobs...and Nazis.

But this is all beside the point. This is a Uwe Boll flick! Silly things like "story", "plotting", or any semblance of adhereing to the licensed property go out the window when dealing this German-born directoral equivalent of Ed Wood's used underwear. This man has made a career out of destroying video game properties. The worst part is that a lot of the properties he destroys could have decent movies made about them, like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, and yes-Bloodrayne. Granted, Hollywood's not exactly faring much better. Look at Doom. But to borrow a phrase from the Godfather, it's not-fer-nothin' that the three Uwe movies I just mentioned are all consistently listed on the IMDB Bottom 100.

Finally, the film stars Kristanna Loken and Ben Kingsley: or the T-X from Terminator 3 and Ghandi respectively. While I get why Michael Madsen and Billy Zane appeared in the movie (they seem to just say "yes" to everything), at the time this movie came out, KL's star was on the rise. Granted, it never really went anywhere, but still. As far as Sir Kingsley, he's a knight for goddsakes! Lord knows, he only needs to work when he wants to, so I have no idea why he agreed to appear. Maybe it looked better on paper?

So without further ado, we're going to steel ourselves and prepare to watch Bloodrayne on Netflix!

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST:

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are minutes away from starting Bloodrayne.
First ominous sign: “A Uwe Boll Film”
Meatloaf’s in this too! Now my day’s complete!
Well, it’s already better than The Source. It has tracking shots without camera shadows.
Aww…Michael Madsen with a long-haired ringlet do. He’s fallen so far from Reservoir Dogs
Woop. There goes the sheep! Hey, a movie that kills a sheep in the first 5 minutes can’t be all bad, can it?
Why is the Camera making “swooshing” noises when it moves?
Wait? What? She escaped from her cage? How? When?
Ok. Mental note. You keep a superhuman, vampiric creature prisoner, and you try to Rape her? Not only is that vile, it’s stupid!
I mean, if she’s capable of ripping your arm off with her bare hands, do you think it might be a good idea to keep bars between you?
Yup, it’s a sword and sorcery flick. Here come the Mullets!
People just stand around when strangers come to town and start beheading corpses? Rough neighborhood.
Then they kill innocent civilians and set them on fire? MY KIND OF HEROES!
Yay! Billy Zane in a “special appearance”! Also known as a REALLY bad Wig!
Uh oh…he got holes in his neck. That can’t be good.
Wow. That’s SOME fight choreography. in the way, of..you know, BAD. But hey, she talks!
I like it when the person can be seen to be CAREFULLY placing the blade at the right point in someone’s chin.
Ooooh, lesbian vamp action…TWICE!
Wait, she can REMEMBER HER CONCEPTION????
You know, I’ve been watching some seriously bad movies…This movie is almost professionally made by comparison.
I’m gonna guess that it’s a BAD thing when the preternaturally strong woman keeps hearing voices.
You know, this movie is really calling to attention the fact that the weapons of Bloodrayne are really impractical
As is the outfit….
Why yes, LET’S just go wandering into the room guarded by the ugly troll. It can’t POSSIBLY be a trap!
Wait? Her weakness is just plain water??? And why does it burn through clothes?
Um… looks like you lost a contact, there.
It must really suck for her when it rains.
Wait, your order was guarding it for centuries? With 1 dude, and a booby-trapped room? Against freaking MONSTERS?
Oh hey, I just noticed that she’s trying for an English accent. How cute!
So all vamps are susceptible to rain. Wow. Worst. Weakness. Ever.
Watching Michael Madsen with a sword is about the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.
So, she has these tonfa sword-knife-thingies, and is instantly able to fight with them better than a master swordsman?
Uwe is distracting us from the movie with cleavage shots of Michelle Rodriguez without a bra. Smartest thing he’s done thus far.
Wait? Vamps can go out in daylight? But are afraid of WATER? UWE, WHAT?
Oh hey, Meatloaf with a bunch of Naked chicks. Movie’s looking up…
Worst. Guards. Ever. Let the vampire hunters walk on by!
Ok. Worst Vampires Ever! They just let the hunters right on by too!
You have a sword, but punch him in the face? WHAT KIND OF VAMPIRE HUNTER ARE YOU?
Hey, Mister Vampire Man, do you think it might have been a bad idea to design your secret lair with stained glass windows all around?
Wait, you said he raped and murdered your mother right in front of you. Then you flashed back to the event, he just killed her.
I’m not saying I wanted to see the assault. Far from it. But…He didn’t rape anybody. Hate the dude for what he did, you know?
Oh hey, Michelle Rodriguez is trying for an English accent too. Why is it only the women are trying for it?
Um…Uwe, wouldn’t it have made more sense to show the training montage, you know, BEFORE she was whuppin’ ass with the weapons?
Uh oh…the movie’s pausing for character beats. They’re now trying to 1-up each other over childhood tragedies. Not a good way to start a relationship.
Random sex time! They talk about their parents dying and it makes them HORNY???
I mean, bodice ripping, humpy-pumping, and all that is good and all..but…
I like how they keep cutting back to Kagen, being all menacing…by not moving from his throne at all
Those are the dullest swords I’ve ever seen! They have rounded edges!
Ok. Billy Zane is awesome in the fact that he’s just havin’ a good time.
Wait! I thought Vamps couldn’t cross water?
And if vamps are all weak against water, why do you need to have HOLY water at all?
uh oh, she’s hearin’ voices again!
Wait, you can hear the heart…and it sounds like…voices???
Wait, the “unfindable lost relic” was in their freakin’ BASEMENT???
For a secret society, they’re pretty dumb.
Uwe’s got some fetish issues to work through. He surely digs the lesbian vampire action…
Is it me, or are all the varied dungeons in this movie exactly the same?
I guess once you’ve seen one dungeon, you’ve seen them all
You know, breaking into an impenetrable fortress through the front door. Not the smartest plan.
Ok. This movie really falls apart the second people open their mouths. If nobody spoke, it might not suck as much.
Wow, Sir Ben, you are bored stiff, aren’t you?
Ok, the hero getting all out of breath climbing the stairs. Funny. Specially since it was just Madsen being out of shape.
Wait, if the heart wasn’t in the box, why was it talking to people???
Oh hey, they do have black vampires! One ran in to have its head cut off!
Grabbing your own sword by the blade in order to use it….not. Smart.
She REALLY should stop getting stabbed in the stomach.
Mental note: Don’t befriend Rayne. It means death.
Oh damn…they’re “Acting” again.
Wait, she was stabbed, but it didn’t cut the clothes?
And uh…what’s with the throne?
They’re really gonna go all Conan the Barbarian? REALLY?
Heh, the montage sequence is very clearly showing how inconsistent they were with her hair color during the movie.
And uh…she’s remembering things that didn’t actually happen during the movie.
Is this flashback sequence really going to go through the entire movie again? Why yes.
Well…THAT made no sense.
But it’s over. So thanks for joining us for the screening of Bloodrayne. I’m going to find a stiff drink now.