Porcelain Pregnancy

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Drop the Soap

There are days when this job gets a little...weird. You would think that any position that has you screening films of such caliber as Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010) and Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973), one might be prepared for anything that comes across your desk.

You'd be wrong. So very wrong.

When I get an email from one of our former editors with the subject "Movies you have GOT to see", I feel the slightest tinge of trepidation. This is the same editor who showed me such classics as Vampire Girl Meets Frankenstein Girl and an anime series where the primary characters gain superpowers by drinking breast milk. Seriously.

Among the films listed in the message, I was quite surprised to see that one was listed as an official selection of the Sundance film festival. I mean, since when did we ever want to watch movies that people might actually consider art? Well such is the case for Tub (2010).


Paul jerked off in the shower. Paul just impregnated his bathtub.


Read it again.

Yeah, it's like that.

The fact that the 12 minute film, written and directed by Columbia film-school graduate Bobby Miller was selected for afore-mentioned film festival in 2010 is a testament to how creepy/funny the film manages to be with its absurd premise, and it really has to be seen to be believed. As such, it comes highly recommended for those with the properly warped world-view. Check out the trailer below.



And hey, you're in luck! You can watch the full movie for free at www.tubmovie.com

Cavalcade of Schlock 4.0

Ladies and Gentlesirs, it is my very great pleasure to be able to present to you the latest iteration of the Cavalcade of Schlock website!

Over the last several months, I was ever more saddened to see this place fall further and further into disuse. Eventually I decided that I needed to take a direct hand in bringing about its resurrection. With that in mind, I did an exhaustive review of the previous site, examining what worked and what didn't. What you see before you is a result of that and more than 200 hours of coding. So let's see the highlights of what's different, shall we?

Revamped Mission

When the Cavalcade first started, we lacked a certain degree of focus on what we were going to cover, and it showed. As time went on, we eventually found our footing in the arena of the lesser known B-movie. However, as we grew, we felt pressured to include A-list theatrical releases. This led us to get pretty far afield of what I'd envisioned. So while I've left those films in the archives, I've decided to get back to where I wanted this place to be in the first place. Sharing my love of those ridiculously bad movies that you find at the the video store (or Netflix). Check out our first review under the new mission for an idea of what we're going to cover. I mean, the title's Nude Nuns with Big Guns. There's no WAY that was ever heading to a theater near you.

Increased focus on you, the reader.

Star Ratings

The first thing I did was include a system for you to quickly provide your input on each of the films we review with a star rating system that required nothing more than a single mouse-click. Take a look over at Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil to see what I mean. The system takes your input, averages it out against the ratings of others, and instantly provides you with feedback. I think it's kinda cool, actually.

Revamped Comments

I've integrated our comments system with Facebook, allowing you to share your thoughts about anything on our site via your Facebook/Yahoo/Hotmail account. This means that a majority of the time you won't have to "log in" to verify you're human, and you can quickly share the thoughts that we're so eager to hear. As an added bonus, you can share these thoughts on your own wall to invite others into the conversation.

Reader Submissions

Have you heard of an upcoming, or seen a craptacular grindhouse horror, sci-fi, action movie that you think would fit our site? Have an idea for a feature we could run? Want to write the review yourself? We recognize the world of Schlock is both vast and expansive, and we want to give those of you out there in the interwebs the opportunity to share your love with the rest of the world. Check this page out and get to submitting!

Return of the Blog!

In the beginning, I had a section of the site dedicated to random musings about B-movies and related news. When I revamped for v3, I offloaded that in hopes that others would take up the slack. Unfortunately, I made it kludgy and complicated. So, this time I brought it back where it should have always been. Here. In the coming days you'll see some posts appear there, as I've already got them queued up.

Code Overhaul

The old site relied on a lot of plugged-in code to add features and functionality that, in the long run, we didn't use. This caused a huge bog-down in performance. Not so now: The entire site has been built from ground up with only our use in mind, greatly speeding up the overall site performance. The same goes for the backend systems that I use to publish articles. I've done everything I could to make sure the process of submitting a review/article/feature/blog post as simple as possible, thereby eliminating my excuses for not doing so.

Finally, Pardon Our Dust!

I've done my best to quash as many of the layout and code bugs as I could before releasing this beast into the wild, but as you can imagine, any site of this magnitude is going to still have a few issues here and there while I work out the kinks. One of them is the fact that (not surprisingly) Internet Explorer still doesn't like all the aspects of the site. I'm working diligently to crush all the IE bugs, but in the meantime I'd recommend viewing this in Chrome/Safari/Firefox. Also, an iPad version of the  website will be available in the next couple of weeks, as coding for THAT has been a bear.

As always, let me know what you think!

Either in the comments below or our new Contact Us webpage