Cavalcade of Schlock » News

Event 32 Vote

Micah P. — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 19:29:19 +0000

Sci-Fi: Space Western

Yeah that’s right. Space-freakin-cowboys. You love ‘em, we love ‘em, everybody loves ‘em.

Moon Zero Two (1969): Space Salvage. Space Miners. Space Ship Robbers. Space Gun Fights. Space Yee Haw!
Galaxina (1980): Dorothy Stratten is a lifelike, voluptuous android named Galaxina who is assigned to oversee the operations of a deep-space freighter with an incompetent captain. Westernish hi jinks ensue.

Action: Kung Fu

The Last Dragon (1985) – Take the music of Mowtown, mix it with Kung Fu, throw in a heaping helping of camp, and you have a testament to the eighties that has to be seen to be believed. Starring Taimak, Vanity, Christopher Murney, and Faith Prince. With cameos from William H. Macy and Chazz Palminteri. Seriously, Julius Carry plays a character named “Sho’nuff: The Shogun of Harlem“.
Master of the Flying Guillotine (1977) – If this movie sounds familiar, it’s because we covered it for one of our Weaponized Wednesday reviews. One of the great tournament fighters, this movie features two of the biggest badasses in 70s Kung Fu coming together for a grand battle royale. The One Armed Boxer and The Flying Guillotine. This movie would go on to inspire Capcom’s Street Fighter and a whole slew of filmmakers. Never mind how silly it is.
Even though we’ve already done Ninjas, we’d have to have Ninja Terminator as an alternate selection. This movie may, in fact, epitomize everything that a Cavalcade movie hopes to be. Nonsensical, full of fury, and insanely bad dubbing. Plus: There’s a Ninja in full camo gear. Besides, the “Hero” of the picture is all about Kung Fu, and isn’t a ninja at all.

Horror: Reptiles

We’ve done Giant Monsters. We’ve had Dragons. But we’ve never simply done killer reptile horror. Which is a real shame, because there’s some awesome selections!

Komodo Vs. Cobra (2005) – The title pretty much sums it up. There’s a killer Komodo and a creepy Cobra. They fight. The badness comes from the fact that this is a Sci-Fi Channel Original. Yup. We fully expect this one to get voted off the island.
Killer Snakes (1975) – Take the story of Willard, and change the rats to snakes. It’s actually supposed to be pretty damn cool, in a sicko Cavalcade kind of way.
An interesting choice would have to be Jaws of Satan (1981). Take the plots of Jaws and the Exorcist, and throw in Christina Applegate in her first film role. Yup, it’s like that.

So there you have it, our three choices for the event! Vote below!

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

A Whole New Face, and a Whole New Attitude

Micah P. — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:54:19 +0000

It is with no small amount of pride that I get to write this message.

3 years ago, the Cavalcade site was borne of a simple goal/dream: Create place for the group to hang out, find out about some oddball movies, and even more oddball events. The initial release was little more than a hacked version of the fantastically functional Gazette theme from Woothemes. It served its purpose, and it was good.

However, as the site changed and grew, functionality had to be inserted and decoded, hacking the theme in evermore destabilizing ways. After two and a half years of this, the site had become such an incomprehensible morass of code, it had become quite unstable, frequently having bits crash here and there without the admins being able to do much about it.

Enter Cavalcade Version 3.0

First step: build a wire frame of the template in Photoshop. Next, skim the interface needs out of the proof, finally begin design and, oh yeah: don’t sleep. What with the site being built on WordPress (our content management software), I decided it would be to our benefit to build the entire site from scratch, while still using the WordPress framework. As this is the 3rd iteration of the website, and WordPress had just release their 3.0 version as well, I started to code the new site online. It worked just about as well as you expect, and certainly not a permanent replacement situation. After evaluating some browser supoprt, and other pros and cons, we decided to build the site locally on my machine. Test the hell out of it, and only then Face it:We already know most of the people in the movie are chowder food just from the trailers.

Quality of Life Improvements

A number of new features made their way into Cavalcade 3.0
Streamlined user interface: Review, Event, and Media tags are clearly listed in the dashboard.
Streamlined archive page: The first of which was decidedly dificult to understand. These gian worms The Worms video game.
Clearer focus on events pretty self explanatory.
Database Power: Actors, Directors, Release Years, and other booze ingredients are now relationaly available on Wordpres as Taxonomies.
Automated archives: No more image gallery that needs to opened 3 separate times during the course of the process. Now, it’s a single upload, tag it, and post it!

What is a taxonomy?

A taxonomy is a way to group items. Here’s the Answers.com definition of taxonomy:
The classification of organisms in an ordered system that indicates natural relationships.
The science, laws, or principles of classification; systematics.
Division into ordered groups or categories.

The third definition is probably the best for our purposes.

By default, WordPress comes pre-loaded with three taxonomies: category, post_tag, and link_category. The first two allow us to label our posts a certain way. The last lets us categorize our links.Each taxonomy has what are called terms. For example, all of your tags are actuallyterms that live within the post_tag taxonomy.

What this means to you
We’ll be able to add actors to the list, as many as we want. Genre and director taxonomies as well. Additionally, you will see a list of movies that the actor/dirctor has done. As far as the drink ingredients are concerned: they work just like actors, and put the recipe in the text window.

Conclusion

As you can clearly see, we’ve added a host of functionality to the site, and also a lot of data to migrate. So the archives, while functioning, are a little glitchy. But wait! There’s a lot more coming soon! Blogs, Tumblr, and a new twitter account. Plus, we have new designs going up on the store on Black Friday! So check back, and check often!

The Human Sexipede (2010)

Micah P. — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 09:29:16 +0000

Do me a favor, will you?

If you haven’t already seen the horrific Human Centipede (First Sequence), watch this trailer. Now, let that sink in a moment.

Right.

Now, what were your first thoughts? Well if your name is Lee Roy Myers, your first thought would be “this would make an AWESOME porno!” This would be because you’re either a thoroughly disturbed individual, or a frickin’ genius. We’re hanging our hat on both.

Based on the controversial and disturbing horror film, The Human Centipede, the satisfying satire, The Human Sexipede is a movie about three unsatisfied tourists, two of which are young and sexy American women. The venturous individuals end up being guinea pigs in the “Mad Sexual Educator’s” twisted experiment to create the Human Sexipede, which is accomplished via sewing three people together – mouth to genitals.

Starring industry vets Tom Byron, Evan Stone (of Pirates fame), Amber Rayne, and Sunny Lane (all links work-safe), this film promises to be…a porn parody of a truly horrific horror movie. When the movie was brought to my attention yesterday (by Higgins, so blame him), there was a trailer posted on YouTube. Even though there was no nudity in said video, it was pulled down rather quickly for a “Terms of use violation”. But if you still want to get an idea of what the flick’s about (aside from a surgeon making girls go down on each other), then you can read the full script here.

Lest you fear that might take you all day…It’s only 17 pages long.

He’s Suffered for your Sins…

Micah P. — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 21:17:36 +0000

Case study: John Higgins

Occupation: Staff Writer/Public Relations, Cavalcade of Schlock

Notes: Portrait of a man at work, the only work he’s ever done, the only work he knows. His name is John Higgins, but he calls himself “Higgins.” His life has been rocky and perilous and uphill at a dead run all the way. He’s tired now, tired of running or wanting, of waiting for the breaks that come to others but never to him, never to John Higgins.

Now into this portrait enters a dusty old film canister. Who knows what mind-rending horrors it contains? Already pushed to the brink by such films as Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and a series of bad vampire pictures that had each film sparkle more than the last, he is looking for new ways to stretch his sanity…and, dear reader, we’ve decided to put it to you. So now that Higgins is exiting the Twilight Zone, what shall we have him suffer through next?

Femalien Series: The ‘Skinamax’ tradition lives on in this soft-core Sci-Fi series from Full Moon Entertainment. Kara (Venesa Talor) is sent to experience bodily pleasure by her alien species, which leads to numerous unconnected, plot-irrelevant encounters with all kinds of buxom babes and buff guys. The pool, the massage parlor, the avant-garde theater–these kooky humans seem to be going at it everywhere! Kara must believe that she’s landed not on Earth, but the planet Silicone, but she never seems to complain…

Xtro 2 and 3: Tom has already suffered the original for you, however…they made more. Scientists at a secret underground complex have found a way to travel to another dimension. Three dimension-travellers are the first to go through the gate – but are soon attacked by something that interrupts the communication with Earth. This horrible something uses the gate to travel back to the underground complex. Most of the staff are evacuated, except four heavily-armed militaries and Dr. Casserly and Dr. Summerfield who just can’t stand each other.

Transmorphers Series: Part of the Asylum mockbusters series where the company makes low budget films designed to capitalize on the release of larger ones, the film details the story of A race of aliens that pilot robots has conquered the Earth and forced humanity underground. After three hundred years of domination, a small group of human rebels plan to take back their world from the mechanical invaders in an ultimate battle, but they soon learn the aliens do not pilot the robots – they are the robots – a kind of biological-machine hybrid.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

The Summer of Schlock is HERE

Micah P. — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 02:15:03 +0000

3 Months of Free Outdoor Movies at Pyramid Atlantic

Facebook Page

The Summer of Schlock is a free outdoor summer celebration of forgotten cult classics and B-movie cinema, presented by the Cavalcade of Schlock in the Pyramid Atlantic parking lot. All of the events will be starting at 9pm on their respective days. Show up early and hit the Piratz Tavern , who will be offering drink specials if you mention the cavalcade! The list of films includes:

Saturday, June 26

Films: The Goonies, a 1985 American adventure-comedy film directed by Richard Donner. In the film, “a group of kids embark on a wild adventure after finding a pirate treasure map.”

This film is followed by The Monster Squad, a comedy/horror film written by Shane Black and Nicholas Hill and directed by Fred Dekker. In the film, “Dracula is alive. In fact, he plans to rule the world and that is why he seeks the help of other legendary monsters. However, a bunch of kids regarded by their peers as losers uncover the devious plan and prepare for a counter strike.”

Saturday, July 31

Films: Cutthroat Island is a 1995 adventure film starring Geena Davis and directed by her then-husband Renny Harlin. In the film, “a female pirate and her companion race against their rivals to find a hidden island that contains a fabulous treasure.” The film is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the biggest box office flop of all time.

This film is followed by The Ice Pirates, a 1984 comedy/science-fiction film. In the film, “in the far future water is the most valuable substance. Two space pirates are captured, sold to a princess, and recruited to help her find her father who disappeared when he found information dangerous to the rulers. A real Space Opera with sword fights, explosions, fighting robots, monsters, bar fights and time warps.”

Saturday, August 28

Films: Labrynth is a 1986 classic directed by Jim and starring David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly.In the film, “15-year-old Sarah accidentally wishes her baby half-brother, Toby, away to the Goblin King Jareth who will keep Toby if Sarah does not complete his Labyrinth in 13 hours. “

The film is followed by Meet the Feebles, written and directed by Peter Jackson in 1989. In the film, “, Heidi, the star of the “Meet The Feebles Variety Hour” discovers her lover Bletch, The Walrus, is cheating on her, and with all the world waiting for the show the assorted co-stars must contend with their own problems. These include drug addiction, extortion, robbery, disease, Drug dealing, and even murder. While this is happening the love between two of the stars is threatened by the devious Trevor the Rat, who wishes to exploit the young starlet for use in his porno movie business.”

Event 26 Vote

Micah P. — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:09:17 +0000

Since Event 25: Bruce Willis is a special homage to our hero, we’re going to wave the bridging rules for the follow-up of Event 26 (Though he’s done so freakin’ many cameos that we’re sure we can find something that fits). So we’re coming at you HARD this time with three FANTASTIC selections!

Action: Kung Fu

The Last Dragon (1985) – Take the music of Mowtown, mix it with Kung Fu, throw in a heaping helping of camp, and you have a testament to the eighties that has to be seen to be believed. StarringTaimak, Vanity, Christopher Murney, and Faith Prince. With cameos from William H. Macy and Chazz Palminteri. Seriously, Julius Carry plays a character named “Sho’nuff: The Shogun of Harlem”.
Master of the Flying Guillotine (1977) – If this movie sounds familiar, it’s because we covered it for one of our Weaponized Wednesday reviews. One of the great tournament fighters, this movie features two of the biggest badasses in 70s Kung Fu coming together for a grand battle royale. The One Armed Boxer and The Flying Guillotine. This movie would go on to inspire Capcom’s Street Fighter and a whole slew of filmmakers. Never mind how silly it is.

Even though we’ve already done Ninjas, we’d have to have Ninja Terminator as an alternate selection. This movie may, in fact, epitomize everything that a Cavalcade movie hopes to be. Nonsensical, full of fury, and insanely bad dubbing. Plus: There’s a Ninja in full camo gear. Besides, the “Hero” of the picture is all about Kung Fu, and isn’t a ninja at all.

Sci-Fi Theme: Space Opera

They tend to have Cyborgs, and outside of Trek and Wars, they tend to be terrible. Hell, even when they doend in Trek or Wars, it’s no guarantee of quality.

War of the Robots (1978): An Italian rip-off of Star Wars. ‘Nuff Said.
Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves the World) : Also known as Turkish Star Wars, this film even illegally uses footage from Star Wars, ET, The Wizard of Oz, and The Exorcist. Watch the clip. Be in awe.
Starcrash (1979): THE HOFF. Battling claymation robots. With a not-light saber. Do you NEED any more of a reason to watch this?!?

Horror: Killer Animals

Because DAMMIT, we have some fantastic movies to show you if this gets voted! This genre has so much to offer, yet it gets voted down every time (sniff).

Black Sheep: Killer ZOMBIE SHEEP!
Lake Placid: Killer ALIGATOR!
Piranha: Killer FISHIES!
Jaws IV: Killer REINCARNATED SHARK!
Night of the Lepus: Killer RABBITS!
Grizzly: Killer BEAR!
Orca: KILLER WHALE!

C’mon people! Respect Nature! We barely even scratched thesurface of what this genre has to offer!

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

S.O.S: Misfits, Monsters, and Mayhem!

Micah P. — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 16:53:09 +0000

CAVALCADE OF SCHLOCK PRESENTS SUMMER OF SCHLOCK OPENING EVENT!

MISFITS, MONSTERS AND MAYHEM!

Summer of Schlock will take place at the Pyramid Atlantic Art Gallery located at 8230 Georgia Avenue in Silver Spring, one block from the Silver Spring Metro, on Saturday, June 26, 2010. The first film will start at 9pm, to be followed by a brief intermission leading to the final movie of the double feature. For more information on The Cavalcade of Schlock, contact Micah Pearson or John Higgins.

Pearson was initially surprised by the interest others had for the Cavalcade “When I first came up with the idea for this thing, it was just a way to get a couple friends together and have a few laughs. But after the first few meetings, we couldn’t fit all the people in my apartment anymore!” It was then that they found their current home at the Pyramid Atlantic Art Gallery.

A combination of book club, drive-in cinema, and performance art, the Cavalcade of Schlock seeks to bring together the joys of bad movies and good friends in a pop-culture extravaganza. All summer the brave volunteers will select a theme and choose 2 films from a vast array of nearly forgotten cult classics of exploitation and B-movie cinema. They then, as a group, provide food and beverages along said theme. It’s an interactive, raucous experience that evokes the anarchic energy of a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening while taking advantage of the nicer weather in the summer months.

The Cavalcade of Schlock, the brainchild of DC Metro area resident Micah Pearson, hosting an outdoor event showing both the classic movie The Goonies (1985), a tale of adventure and friendship shared by a band of misfit kids and the lesser known Monster Squad (1987), also about a band of misfit kids, only they fight monsters! This even is the first of a three month long series: The Summer of Schlock.

Details Below:

The Goonies is a 1985 American adventure-comedy film directed by Richard Donner. The screenplay was written by Chris Columbus from a story by executive producer Steven Spielberg. A band of kids from the “Goon Docks” neighborhood of Astoria, Oregon, hoping to save their homes from demolition, go on an adventure to find the buried treasure of One-Eyed Willy, a legendary 17th-century pirate.

The Monster Squad is a comedy/horror film written by Shane Black and Nicholas Hill and directed by Fred Dekker (who also wrote/directed Night of the Creeps). It was released by Tri-Star Pictures on August 14, 1987. The film features the classic monsters (re-imagined by a team of special effects artists including Stan Winston), led by Dracula (Duncan Regehr).

Forbidden Zone 2: The Forbidden Galaxy

Micah P. — Mon, 10 May 2010 23:02:09 +0000

[singlepic id=288 w=320 h=240 float=right]We’re not sure whether we’re Sadists or Masochists here, but color us excited by this little bit of random info we stumbled across today:

They’re making a sequel to Forbidden Zone (1982).

For those of you who weren’t at our recent Event 24: Fucked up Musicals, first of all: SHAME. Secondly, you missed out on what was described by one attendee as an, “Acid-laced skull-fucking of weird. I want to hate it, but I can’t look away!”

Yes, somehow the movie wasn’t voted off the island, and there was even enjoyment had. We loved its surreal tale of Frenchy Hercules (Marie-Pascale Elfman), a nubile girl who decides to check out the Sixth Dimension out of bordom and finds, among other things: King Fausto ( Herve Villechaize) , a few torture chambers, a frog person, some concubines, The Princess (who never puts a shirt on), the Kipper Kids, a number of cross-dressers, and Danny Elfman. As Satan. Doing a Cab Calloway impression.

Yeah. It was like that.

There isn’t much information available, but if the sequel’s plot description on IMDB is any indication, it’s still going to be rocking the weird:

Ma and Pa Kettle leave the depressed Dust Bowl with their kids, Stinky and Petunia, and drive their old jalopy down to Crenshaw in South-Central Los Angeles. Stinky is a hyper-active 12-year-old; Petunia is a lumbering 13-year-old; Ma is a corn-cob pipe-smoking inbred, and Pa is a craven, drunken carnival geek…with a bad disposition…even before his carnival job folded after the last dust storm. Together, they hope to find a better life in California. Unfortunately, the little shack they rent has a basement connected to the Sixth Dimension, ruled by a horny midget king who is growing an army of dead zombie babies…to take over Earth.

That, by the way, was written by the film’s director, Richard Elfman.

We’re not sure whether another excursion down the poop shoot rabbit hole is necessary, warranted, or whether our bowels can handle it, but in this age of cookie-cutter blockbusters, it’s kind of heartening to hear that a film that was so weird that the original audience members threatened to take the film reels and burn them is getting a sequel. So tell us what you think in our poll below!

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Cavalcade Event 23 Vote

Micah P. — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:09:28 +0000

After the smash success that was Event 22: Video Games, we’re ready to roll on through to the other side with 3 fantastic options for the next great party!

Action: Bloodsports

Gamer (2009) : Our bridging movie is also the closest we’ve come to a theatrical release. In the near-future, humans can control other humans in mass-scale, multi-player online gaming environments, a star player from a game called “Slayers” looks to regain his independence while taking down the game’s mastermind.

Rollerball (2002): It is the year 2005. The new sport of Rollerball, an extraordinarily violent extension of roller derby involving motorcycles, a metal ball, and many trappings of the World Wrestling Federation-is hugely popular. This is a remake of a 1975 cult classic and it…well…is spectacular in its suckitude.

Alternates: The Running Man (1987), The Condemned (2007),

Sci-Fi: Future Cops

Virtuosity (1995): Some of the most A-list talent we’ve ever had in a feature…well, before one of the was “A-list.” A virtual villain’s successful attempt to escape into the “real world,” SID 6.7, the villain program (Russell Crowe), is eventually transplanted into an android body and escapes. A reinstated police officer played by Denzel Washington, is given the chance to catch him.

Judge Dredd (1995): An adaptation of the UK Comic that takes place in a dystopian future, Dredd (Sylvester Stallone), the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes.

Alternates: Split Second (1992), Runaway (1984)

Horror: Virtual Reality

Apparently, computers still scare people, because they keep making horror movies about the dangers of the internet, computers, and VR. Hell, does anybody even develop VR stuff anymore?

Ghost Machine (2009) : A special forces cadet (Rachael Taylor), a professional gamer, a security guard, and two computer techs battle a vengeful spirit that has infected their stolen military software.

Brainscan (1994): A teenager (Edward Furlong) is part of an interactive video game where he kills innocent victims. Later, the murders become real. Goretastic!

Alternates: Lawnmower Man (1992), Mindwarp (1992)

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Cavalcade Event 22 Fundraiser

Micah P. — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:59:40 +0000

A note from our founder:

With Event 22:Video Games right around the corner, we couldn’t be more excited. We have a great lineup of movies, an awesome selection of drinks, and a bucket load of anticipation built-up from the two months we’ve had to look forward to it (thank you oh-so-much, Snowpocalypse). However, due to some recent issues, I’ve had to once again look to our old enemy: Event financing.

A frequent thought in the back of our minds, event financing is an ever-growing concern. While we’ve tried to tackle this in a variety of ways over the last two years (including a brief notion about membership subscriptions that we discarded because of the back-end tech required to make it happen), but none have really worked as well as we hoped. It’s certainly not from lack of interest by the community, but mostly from a lack of understanding the total costs of each event, and how to provide a means for said community to help support our efforts.

A lot of work goes into the Cavalcade, from the website hosting costs, to the event preparation and space rental, and these costs have been up till now have been majorly covered by me, with some minor assistance from the door donations (which usually total roughly $70 on a good night). But some recent events have occurred that would make this nigh-impossible for the foreseeable future. So we’ve come up with an alternative:

The Fundraiser

Each month, when we publish the event write-up, we’re going to post a fundraiser for $240, the average cost of a Cavalcade Event ($100 for food/booze, $100 for the space, $40 for the movies). Any monies not used in a current month will be carried over to the next. If you donate to an event, print out the receipt, and that will serve as your ticket to said event. This saves you from having to remembering cash, and us from having to make change.

The way the system is designed, an individual can donate as much or as little as they would like, and still print the receipt for a ticket. This means that yes, you could game the system and get in for as little as a single dollar. But we sincerely hope that our efforts, and the future of our events, mean more to you than that.

Don’t worry though, we’ll still be glad to take your $5 at the door. But if this system doesn’t work, that price will more than likely have to go up to $10.

How to Donate

We’ve made the process as simple as possible. On each event write-up, you’ll find a button on the right sidebar that says “donate.” Click that, enter your amount, and follow the instructions to complete the transactions. Simple. I’ve also taken the liberty of including it below.

So to paraphrase our friends as the local Piratz Tavern, we’re asking you to open your hearts, and more importantly your wallets, and help us entertain you!

Sincerely,

Micah Pearson

Founder, Editor, and Host of the Cavalcade of Schlock