Driven To Kill

There are a few questions that will haunt the hearts and minds of great thinkers throughout the ages:

  1. Why are we here?
  2. Are we the genetic descendants of apes, or were we puffed into existence by the sneeze of a cosmic being?
  3. What the hell happened to Steven Seagal 's career?

This is a guy who once starred with Kurt Russel and Halle Barry in Executive Decision! Granted, Kurt Russel's star isn't as bright as it once was either, and Halle Barry's hadn't started to shine just yet, but stillAbove the LawHard to KillUnder Seige, as ridiculous as these movies are, they were serious money-makers in their day, so why is he doing nothing but direct-to-DVD crap like-well-the movie we're about to watch?

We're not sure, considering the bigger mystery t0 us, after having seen the above movies, is how he ever became a star in the first place.

Being that we have recently subjected ourselves to the worst of horror and sci-fi, we've noticed a distinct lack of pure action movies. So, when the option for a brand-spankin-new Seagal epic popped into our queue, we figured "why not?"

While attending the wedding of his estranged daughter, Lanie (Laura Mennell), crime novelist Ruslan Drachev (Seagal) is drawn back into his Russian mafia past when the groom turns out to be the son of his old nemesis, Mikhail Arban (Igor Jijikine). Soon, Ruslan's in the thick of a violent quest for vengeance in this gritty action thriller, also starring Dan Payne, Mike Dopud and Holly Eglington.

Yep, sounds perfect!

  • In two minutes, we start Driven to Kill
  • We're starting the show off with a beer. Because frankly, it needs one.
  • This Direct-to-DVD epic was directed by Jeff King, and stars Steven Seagal, Zak Santiago, and Inna Korobkina.
  • Huh. Girlfriend offers a threesome for a shell game trick?
  • Seagal trying to have a semblance of a russian accent? ooookaaay.
  • psssst-His secret is he whispers a lot.
  • Call me crazy, but a big martial arts action star shouldn't have a beer gut. Though stabbing someone in the face with a glass was cool.
  • A word, Mr. Bad Guy. When a woman says you're not a "real man", bitch-slapping her only proves her point.
  • uh oooooh, dangerous tat on the fiancee. I don't care who you marry, my daughter, but their tattoos cannot be better than mine!
  • Seriously, the shot choices in this movie are just-well...bad. Why have people staring off into space when they're supposed to be speaking face-to-face?
  • And why would the fiancee get all bitter over his girl getting her grandmother's wedding ring as an heirloom?
  • Err. As a gift. Beer good.
  • Hey Steven? If the ring is so damn precious to you, uh, why did you leave it on the desk and walk out of the room?
  • What cop leaves his badge lying around at an ACTIVE CRIME SCENE?
  • Oh noes! The Murdering bastards stole the precious ring you left lying around on a goddamn table! I am so shocked! I am!
  • This movie might have had a chance if the director knew what the hell he was doing. Trying to find the words to describe it. How do you screw up a shot of a guy walking down a street?
  • Good exchange: "What you want?" ".38" "You know Disco's dead, right?" ".38 doesn't leave brass."
  • First major action scene. Involves a beating with a pipe. Don't know why, but I expected a hell of a lot more from this movie. Fails at basic editing.
  • "Told you I wasn't a cop, bitch!" Really?
  • Wait? It's a big deal to protect the girl in the hospital...so you leave her in an open area, with no guard???
  • "Don't get shot, and stay behind me"-then he promptly pushes his sidekick out in front!
  • Well....so much for mystery about the bad guy. Dumbest. Plan. Ever.
  • Wait. It's an R-rated direct-to-DVD exploitation action movie... and no nudity at the strip club???
  • There we go!
  • A knife fight with lots of swooping sounds...and nobody actually taking a stab at anything? Good idea!
  • You sliced a major artery, CG blood spraying everywhere, and you are completely clean! Of course you are!
  • Ummm...huge gunfight right outside of a police station...and not a single cop comes to investigate? Really?
  • Again! He stabs someone in the carotid artery. He stands right in front of him as he bleeds out, and his jacket looks freshly dry cleaned!
  • *Gasp* The incredibly powerful russian mobster has a dirty cop on his payroll? Who could have predicted such a surprise?!?
  • A shootout in a hospital, with long camera shots? No, not stealing from John Woo's Hard Boiled at all.
  • God. For a movie with all of these bullets (well, shooting...no bullets) and bad explosions, I'm bored silly.
  • There are ZERO wide shots of Seagal doing any fighting. Hmm... I wonder why that is?
  • Well damn! THAT almost made the whole movie worthwhile! He stabbed him in the eye with a pistol, and THEN shot him!
  • "Solicitation" to commit murder? I could have sworn it's called "Conspiracy".
  • This movie recycles shots A LOT. The entire epilogue is the prologue played back with the image flipped.
  • Guh…what a cheap movie. Glad it’s over. Wasn’t even bad enough to be fun.