Alien Blood

Ah, Troma. How have we not yet had one of your lovely cinematic gems grace our screens? How could we have gone so long without a film from the makers of The Toxic Avenger. How could we not get on our hands and knees and prostrate ourselves before the altar of those that brought forth the almighty Class of Nuke 'em High ?

Well, allow me to tell you, dear readers, that this oversight is about to be addressed. For on the Friday live-blog, we-the Cavalcade of Schlock army-shall take up arms, and march on the fields littered with Alien Blood (1999), a film actually produced by a company called West Coast Films, and distributed by Troma. WCFs only other credit on IMDB is a film from 1922. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that’s not the same West Coast Films, unless they only surface to produce a movie every 77 years, like some bizarre kind of production Cicada-creature. If that’s the case, then we should be safe until 2076. But let’s move on to the synopsis, shall we?

As pulled from Netflix:

An extraterrestrial mother determined to save her daughter and her unborn child seeks refuge in a house full of vampires in this offbeat blend of sci-fi and horror. Pursued through the English countryside by a band of assassins, pregnant Helene (Francesca Manning) and her daughter Monique (Rebecca Stirling) break into a mysterious house. Confronted by the bloodsucking residents, Helene goes on a gruesome killing spree to protect her offspring!

We’ve got ourselves Aliens, Unborn Alien Fetuses, and Vampires!

I don’t know whether to be wickedly excited, or terrified.

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST
  • Alien Blood (1999). Starts off with some weird dream-pyro-screaming-thing.
  • Oooh…Ominous titles. “The Last Day of the Century”. Now onto one of the worst fight scenes I’ve ever seen.
  • Poor waiter, all he did was knock on a door. Did that really mean you had to kick him in the groin 5 times?
  • “Introducing: Rebecca Sterling” who according to IMDB, went on to do….absolutely nothing.
  • Huh, music’s nice. Got that Blade Runner vibe. Only cheaper.
  • Produced, Directed, Written, Executive produced, and catered by Jon Sorenson
  • Seriously, what’s up with all the sunglasses?
  • So far, 8 characters, 6 in sunglasses. What is this, The Matrix?
  • CSI, wearing sunglasses INSIDE, taking pictures. Right. Sure. Ok.
  • Wait, is she preggers? Or does she already have a kid? It keeps flipping back and forth. And why tai chi?
  • Ok, is this ENTIRE movie shot in slow mo? I mean, even John Woo doesn’t abuse the Slow Mo this much!
  • Yes. That is indeed a pretty vista to look at, Director. Or at least it WOULD BE IF YOU DIDN’T HIDE IT BEHIND A THICK RED FILTER!
  • Oh, he MUST be evil! He has TWO walky-talkies that make sonar pings!
  • Ok. Seriously, the entire movie is shot like a damn nature video with dolphins. All relaxing synths, slow-mo, and crossfades.
  • Sniper…using an Uzi? Yeah. Sure. Ok. Uh oh! she took off her glasses! AW YEEAAAH!
  • Now the little kid is gettin’ down! Some assasin you are. A 10 year old gave you a beatdown…and then got shot. Well THAT’S a downer.
  • What? Alien screaming? Is that supposed to be the blonde lady-What?
  • CG looks straight out of X-Com: UFO Defense.
  • We’re 20 minutes in, and finally have dialogue. Er..villain monologue, rather.
  • Ok. The fact that somebody a crewman sneezed in the middle of his monologue was pretty funny.
  • Random…juggler… in the middle of the swamp? WHAT?
  • Well, at least they shot him in the head. Serves him right for juggling in the woods.
  • Oh hey, naked lesbians in a farmhouse. Ok, sure. Why not?
  • And now we pause fo an entire scene shot in slow-motion of them dressing each other. Why is that, exactly?
  • and now people having incredibly fake sex in a bed, naked chick in a bathtub…and a doorbell.
  • And why are vampires biting each other for no reason? Don’t they feed off of humans?
  • Ok Dude. You’re having sex with her BELLY BUTTON! Aim lower!
  • And now we pause for a random bagpiper scene.
  • Well then we shoot the bagpiper. Serves him right. Playing bagpipes in the woods and all.
  • I wonder why no one ever told these people that an UZI is not a SNIPER RIFLE.
  • And now they’re all hissing at each other, to what? Say “Hi”?
  • So Dracula is a pudgy english horndog? Ok. Sure.
  • And the only attractive woman in the entire picture is sitting naked in a bathtub rearranging candles.
  • We have Aliens, Vampires, Psychics, and soldiers with Uzi Sniper Rifles. Just wanted to take a tally.
  • Seriously, somebody should have given the crew on the film Anti-histamines. Somebody off camera keeps sneezing.
  • And why is there an ominus thrum around Dracula’s wife? It kind of follows her around.
  • aaaannd the psychic is still in the bathtub….dreaming of aliens.
  • This girl got thrown down, they cut away to another room, cut back, and she got thrown down again. Bad editing…
  • You know what? Dialogue doesn’t make this any less confusing and stupid.
  • Beware armed pregnant alien mommas. They shoot first, ask for help later.
  • And hey, the vampire just peed himself.
  • Halfway through the movie! Woot! The endurance challenge continues!Wait, she speaks english? Then why was she speaking french? She’s asking for help in the wrong language on purpose?
  • All kidding aside, if they shot the movie at normal speed it would be over by now.
  • At least the psychic had time to change outfits in the middle of a FIREFIGHT.
  • 24 whole minutes left to go…
  • Lesbian Vampires with Uzis!
  • I’m starting to think that the sneeze is a sound effect. But it occurs so randomly!
  • Wait, the kid can cause seizures in the bad guys? And he waits until NOW to do this?
  • Wait…he can MELT people by looking at them? Why the hell do they need protection again?
  • And for vampires, they are awfully fragile….what the shit? Spaceship!
  • Um miss? It’s a fully-automatic weapon, you don’t need to keep squeezing the trigger.
  • Wow, the psychic JUST figured out these are aliens. She’s a quick one, she is.
  • And to pad the movie even further, let’s keep recycling footage!
  • Wait, I thought the bagpiper was dead?
  • Dear god this movie is f-ing confusing. And bad. Never forget bad.
  • What??? Where’d the baby come from?
  • And the vampires can go out into the Sun? How are they even VAMPIRES?
  • I don’t even know what I just watched. I need to…yeah. My mind feels violated.