Resident Evil

Remember the days before Alien vs. Predator (2004) premiered in theaters?  You know, the days when it was not a requirement to hate Paul W.S. Anderson; but rather, a life choice similar in gravity to deciding one’s career, underwear preference and toilet paper roll position.  Once again, we here at the Cavalcade of Schlock ask you to journey with us back to simpler times when all we knew from Anderson was the terrifying Event Horizon (1997) and the greatest Enter the Dragon (1973) remake, Mortal Kombat (1996) and take a look at the first installment of the Resident Evil series.

Milla Jovovich stars as the aptly unnamed, amnesiac protagonist, an employee of the evil Umbrella Corporation (Traveler’s Insurance, I’m looking at you!), the world’s leading developer for all things technological, pharmaceutical and Frankensteinian.  Jovovich is a security operative stuck dealing with hordes of zombies after a botched theft of Umbrella’s T-Virus and an artificial intelligence-controlled security system kill everyone in Umbrella’s underground lab.  Luckily, Jovovich is not alone.  Joining her amidst an assortment of cookie-cutter paramilitary types are the always-annoying Michelle Rodriguez and the always under-used Colin Salmon.

Anderson does an excellent job of getting the action started early and maintaining that momentum throughout the course of the film.  (Also, starting with a semi-nude Jovovich doesn’t hurt.)  However, Anderson is hindered by a low-budget.  Get ready for a lot of shots that either look like the interior of every office building in which you have ever worked or else some unidentifiable void.  What should be atmospheric and/or a creepy technological installation comes across at best Syfy Saturday fodder and at worst an Uwe Boll film.  Compare this with Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis (2005) and tell me if there’s much of a difference.

While the action is fairly non-stop, the bulk of the action is based around classics of  video game logic: the “go here to get something over there working,”  the “find the artifact,” and the old standby “OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU DIE?”  Adding to the video-game-en-scène are a heavily techno-inspired Marilyn Manson soundtrack, awkward/fixed camera angles, random piano blares, and frequent looks at the “map screen.”  While these may seem like detractors, I found these homages enriched the film if only because Anderson did not randomly inject actual screen shots of the game into the film like other German-directed video game films (House of the Dead (2003))

My only real complaint is that 90% of the film is not scary.  If you have seen any zombie movie before, you’ve seen all the scares, jumps, and pop outs in this film.

[SPOILER] However, the ending sequence from the exit of the Hive to the final shot are truly scary.  If only because the sequence pops out of nowhere and tonally feels like nothing else in the film. [END SPOILER]

But, if you’re looking for a soild horror/action film, you could do worse than join the world's skinniest action star for 90 minutes of zombie ass-kicking.  That and the end shot is absolute gold.

Repo Men

Repo Men deserves some kind of award, as it very nearly succeeds in making an entire movie by taking pieces from nearly every critical or commercial success from the past decade.

Opening with a radio broadcast about the economy crashing, the war going on, and how life generally sucks, the film establishes its dystopian setting cheaply. From there the film focuses on Remy (Jude Law), a "Repo man" (read: assassin) who, in a rather bloody opening collects a liver from an unfortunate guy who defaulted on his payments to the sinister megacorporation, Union.

Remy works with Jake (Forest Whitaker), his best friend from childhood, and has barbecues with his rough-tough-tattooed-blue-collar co-workers.  It's never really explained how Remy has a Cockney accent if he grew up in Anytown, U.S.A., but it certainly adds weight to the whole “I’m a working-class bloke” vibe, where the motto is, "a job's a job."

Their manager, Frank (Liev Schreiber), is as oily as they come. Part used car salesman, part sleazy home loan officer, Frank speaks in that generic movie ‘Merican businessman accent, and is an undemanding boss. He sells people new organs with meaningless buzzwords and platitudes, then coldly orders the "Repo" when the customer's can't pay.

Remy’s life goes completely south when he tries to repossess the heart of a music producer, TBone (RZA), and destroys his own heart with a malfunctioning defibrillator and then waking up in a hospital with a metaphor jammed into his chest. Naturally, with this new liberal heart, he can no longer do his job because he has new-found sympathy for the clients. Eventually he meets Beth (Alice Braga), a lounge singer with a  heart of gold (presumably her own), and more replacement parts than a NFL player retirement home. We'll let you guess if they do the Dirty Boogie at some point.

Following the rules of action thrillers, the other Repo Men are sent to hunt them down, leading to several fight sequences, one very much like the fight from Oldboy (hammer and all), followed by a scene where they each have to scan their robot parts to get themselves out of the system. It’s filmed like a sex scene, except that they're slicing each other open, so it's all kinds of wrong. This all culminates in an ending that, while it's the film's one saving grace, is still ripped straight from Brazil.

Overall, the movie is solid, but borrows too heavily on other films without bringing anything new. There are some nice twists, and the production is top notch. The soundtrack mixes six decades of pop culture, much like the visuals. The actors are giving it their all -especially Whitaker- and the jet black humor helps smooth things over. However,y derivative, it never finds a voice of it’s own. Finally, since we all know what's going to happen up to a point, the audience spends most of the time just waiting to get there.

Come to think of it, Gamer was ALSO really derivative and make for a  decent pairing with this movie. Sort of a, “we liked it better when they did it in 'X.'”

Repo: The Genetic Opera

I have to admit to a certain fondness for musicals. Fred Astaire was an idol of my childhood, as was Gene Kelly. Especially when he danced with Jerry Mouse (of Tom and Jerry). Though as much as I like a good musical, which is essentially a play/movie with more than a few dance numbers thrown in, I can't bring myself to dig operas. With every line of dialog done through song, my patience wears thin long before the story comes to a close. As such (and much to the dismay of my Grandmother), I always steered clear.

But hey, I like a good disembowelment as much as the next guy! Which brings me to Repo! The Genetic Opera, and the source of our discussion today.

Weaving a tale of betrayal, murder, corruption, insanity, and implied incest, this film is wholesome family fun, pure and simple. Taking place in a very dystopian 2056, it's been 26 years since an epidemic of organ failures crippled our society. Paul Sorvino stars as Rottissimo "Rotti" Largo, the billionaire industrialist who eventually saved the world by manufacturing and providing organ transplants for any and all who could afford them, eventually creating predatory financing plans to bring them to the poor.

Talk about your sub-prime loans.

Anthony Stewart Head is Nathan Wallace, who was Largo's chief rival for the affections of Marni (Sarah Power ) 17 years prior to the story's beginning. When Marni left Largo and married Nathan, and eventually became pregnant, the distraught industrialist poisons her. Nathan, at a loss as to why his wife is dying, carves out his daugher Shiloh (Alexa Vega) and raises her in a tower, a prisoner to his own grief.

Meanwhile, having been convinced by Largo that he was responsible for his wife's death, Nathan becomes the lead Repo Man, an assassin who's job it is reclaim organ's who's owners defaulted on payments. This burden, combined with his own guilt over Marni, causes his personalities to fracture. One is the caring/obsessed father that is Nathan, the other is "the Monster"-the personality that takes over when it's time for daddy to go to work. Whew! This is not a story afraid of melodrama.

I haven't even gotten to Rotti's children, who serve as the primary comic relief. When a Serial Murderer (Bill Moseley), Serial Rapist (Nivek Ogre), and a drug-addicted spoiled Daddy's Girl addicted to plastic surgery (Paris Hilton) are your comic relief...Well, let's just say you're in some dark territory. Even so, the plot has a breezy pace, punched up by a couple of really great musical numbers that mix traditional rock power ballads with a bit of Marylin Manson-style Industrial. Tony Head in particular, who last flexed his pipes on screen in a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, belts out his songs with a gusto while he hunches over, knawing on the scenery like a dog with a bone. In most rock operas, you're lucky if you like 3 or 4 songs. There are 16 here that have found permanent residence on my iPod.

A campy, blood-soaked joy of a picture, it's highly recommended for any viewing, Cavalcade or otherwise. Pair with Cannibal: The Musical, or Forbidden Zone for an event featuring fucked-up musicals. Or compare it to Repo Men, which has a LOT of similar elements, but slightly less gore.

Push

It would seriously be cool to move shit with your mind. Think about it: Football Sunday, game's in full-gear, but your beer is all the way on the other end of the coffee table, requiring you to shift your butt from that perfect spot on the couch that you just spent the last 30 minutes getting just right. According to the world history of Push, this age-old conundrum can be solved by simple genetic mutation. Solution? Telekinesis, baby!

At the heart of this story is Nick Grant,  a rather crappy telekinetic played by the charmingly never-serious Chris Evans, whose father was murdered by Agent Carver (portrayed with arrogant menace by Djimon Hounsou), and has been on the run ever since.

When we catch up with the perfectly stubble-faced Calvin Klein model protagonist, he's attempting to win money by manipulating dice games, fails and gets punched in the head. Enter 13-year-old Cassie (Fanning), who is the definition of precocious. A hard drinker with knobby knees and huge boots, she tells Grant they can get six million dollars, but then the future changes. Constantly. First, they're going to die. Then everyone's going to die, and then everyone and their mother is going to die.

No, seriously.

Unless they can enlist the aid of a motley crew of ex-pat psychic-powered people against the sinister Division, a government organization that nabs psychics and uses them for Nefarious OperationsTM is...going to grab them and use them for Nefarious OperationsTM.

Then-DOOM is certain.

A bunch spiffy psychic action sequences happen, followed by some advancement of a silly plot that's actually reasonably well acted and not boring, then some more action, and a few neat twists which I'm just not going to give away here.

The special effects are smoothly worked into the set pieces and the cinematography takes everything it knows from all kinds of eastern cinema.The plot of movie is actually less convoluted than you'd expect from a movie with people who can alter memories and see the future to be, and it actually leads into to some nice twists, but this is an action movie, not Dark City-do not expect depth of story. (For the record: if you haven't seen Dark City, shame on you)

Years ago, action movies were more provincial: there was the Hong-Kong flick, the French actioner, and the American blockbuster. But as time has gone on, movies- especially action movies-have been become more and more diverse in their stories and casts. Push is probably the most diverse of these movies to date, with no less than six countries represented by its performers.

Push is very unique film. It's a stupid-yet-fun action movie, with elements of a heist picture mixed with a video game, and is setup to be the first film in a trilogy that will never be made. The best angle to take for a Cavalcade is to go international action, with Time and Tide to follow this one.

Daybreakers

Ten years in the future, mothers across the nation will scold their children with,  “Why aren’t you drinking your blood?  Don’t you know there are starving vampires in China!”

Actually, there are starving vampires all over the world in the Speirig Brothers’ Daybreakers.  Ethan Hawke plays chief hematologist Edward Dalton, a vampire struggling with his condition in a world populated by vampires. He's trying to develop a substitute for human blood, as it is becoming the world’s scarcest natural resource.  But, in secret, he’s also hoping to find a cure for vampirism itself.

Sam Neill plays Charles Bromley, the evil head of the major pharmaceutical company that employs Ethan Hawke, who hopes to continue exploiting both humans and vampires for financial gain, and find his daughter, played by Isabel Lucas. She rejected the vampire way and remained human, and he hopes to recruit her to the winning team.

Willem Dafoe plays Lionel “Elvis” Cormac, ex-mechanic and ex-vampire (but all–awesome), who fights to re-establish human supremacy over the Earth, or at the very least, make humans no longer an endangered species. He does this under the leadership of  Audrey Bennett, played by the lovely Claudia Karvan.

Finally, Michael Dorman plays Frankie Dalton, Edward’s brother, who hunts down the humans for farming and has trouble not forcing himself on people that don’t want to be bitten.

I’ve gone into so much detail about the leads because the film seems to have about 4 to 5 different movies that all have the theme of a world populated with vampires but have little else to do with each other.  Unfortunately, none of these stories are brought to any real conclusion.

Another detractor is the film's failure of the "Who cares?" test:  Does the film get you, the audience involved in the triumphs and tragedies of its story?  Not really.  We've all these earnest characters as described above trying to make a difference in their world, but they all seem to be sleepwalking through the movie!  The notable exception is Willem Dafoe, who has been proven to make everything better (see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day ).

On the plus side, there are a few fairly interesting ideas on display if one enjoys vampire movies. The Speirigs do a great job of troubleshooting what a society of vampires would look like. The cars and armor designed to allow vampires to travel in broad daylight were neat, but more fascinating was the idea of the "Subwalk" which connects nearly every home in the area to an series of underground tunnels.  Also fun were the warnings of the impending dawn.

As in every vampire movie, there is however, that one idea that pushes the boundaries of believability.  Remember the UV  grenades from Blade II or the sunlight bullets from Underworld?  They've got nothing on the cure for vampirism in Daybreakers which is...

Spoiler

SUNLIGHT!  It turns out that if a vampire, when exposed to sunlight, did not go all the way and burst into flames, they would find his or her heart restarted and ready to rejoin the human race.  Seriously, it kind of makes you wonder if humans would become immortal if we shot ourselves through the brain.

End Spoiler

The real highlights are some truly inspired moments of gory violence that begin with Ethan Hawke injecting his prototype blood substitute into a willing (albeit a likely uninformed) volunteer.  Suffice it to say, the projectile vomiting and boils are the least of the lad's worries.

Another favorite can only be described as a moment of unparalleled YUPPIE RAGE!  As blood supplies grow ever more scarce, the amount of blood put in one’s evening coffee gets smaller and smaller. This does not sit well with one hungry, hungry customer who proceeds to screech like bat and destroy everything in sight.

I nearly cried laughing. If only there were more of these bright, shining moments of lunacy sandwiched between Ethan Hawke moodying up the scene.  Well, that and more Sam Neill.  We always need more Sam Neill.

Split Second

Is there anyone here who does not worship and adore Rutger Hauer? No? Good, if there were I would hope you’d go somewhere else because this website is simply not for you.  Everyone has a favorite Hauer film.  Some may enjoy his role as the terrorist baddy, Wulfgar, in Sylvester Stallone’s Nighthawks.  Others may remember him as the cursed knight in Ladyhawke . I bet everyone here loved him as Roy Batty in Blade Runner .  I love him as John Ryder in (the real) The Hitcher .  But my absolute favorite Hauer performance is homicide detective Harley Stone in Split SecondSplit Second is set “far in the future” of 2008 when global warming has caused flooding in London of biblical proportions.  Everyone walks around wearing waders.  Stone is hot on the trail a serial killer who murdered his partner.  After having witnessed the slaying and been powerless to prevent it, Stone now survives on “anxiety, coffee, and chocolate.” Seriously, that’s all he consumes through the entire film and he consumes A LOT of it.  And you would too if you saw the H.R. Giger-inspired monster that is murdering random Londoners and eating their hearts.  Doesn’t a movie get ten times better when the bad guy eats his victims’ hearts? For those of you who wish to dress as Harley Stone for Halloween, you will need:

  • A leather trenchcoat (complete with impossible 80s shoulder pads)
  • Black leather pants (in flood conditions!  They must shrink like there’s no tomorrow.)
  • Black Lennon-style sunglasses (which he wears even in an unlit sewer)
  • Fingerless gloves (but only on one hand)
  • Oversized boots with silly buckles
  • Cigars (which he lights with a blowtorch)
  • Carrying no less than three gigantic guns at all times (don’t worry they pick up bigger ones at the end)
  • Awesome hair

You may have guessed looking at the cover that he is a lone wolf that plays by his own rules.  His superior relates how he has been fired from every hellhole on the planet and that he is “the best” to his new partner, Dick Durkin.  Let’s take a moment and reflect on that name.  Alastair Duncan’s performance as Dick Durkin is so much fun that he nearly steals the movie. Durkin has all sorts of psychological theories on our 7 foot tall, heart eating killer.  The best part of the film may be when Durkin, the heretofore straight-laced, by the book, intellectual, comes face to face with the monster and goes as bug-nuts as Stone, eating chocolate and downing coffee like there’s no tomorrow.  All of the sudden, we understand that Stone hasn’t been crazy.  He’s just been dealing with the situation as “normal,” sane individuals are supposed to.  You never see that sort of a change over in movies. Okay, so the plot is simplistic and almost pointless in the face of Hauer’s performance, the concept behind the plot is overused, the budget is particularly low and the sets seem to be one rung above a Troma film, but there is Rutger and a pretty sweet monster. If nothing else, Kim Cattrall is our female lead so there’s a guarantee of a nude scene!

District 9

This is a damned near perfect genre movie.

It's momentum flings the narrative along from plot point to plot point, and the movie is filmed in a way that is fast paced and exciting but not confusing.

Director Neill Blomkamp has a virtuoso sense of how to make a movie exciting without making it dizzying. The cuts are fast, but they jump to things that are readily recognizable, so you get a ton of information without getting lost. It was a heart pounding way to see a movie. In terms of action, the movie has a lot of great "DAMN!" action moments, not to be spoiled here, but they are eye-popping and fast.

In other movies of this past summer (cough-cough-Transformers-cough-cough), the senses are pummeled with too much information, and while I'm sure I'm supposed to excited, I'm just numbed. In addition to how the film is presented, what is presented is  engaging and thought provoking without being preachy or overwrought.

There's a lot of heart in addition to some jet black humor about bureaucracy, the story focusing mostly on relocation efforts headed by Wikus van der Merwe, played with amazing authenticity by Sharlto Copley as a man in way out of his depth. He finds a bizarre contraption, and then pushes buttons and such until getting sprayed in the face with mist. Suddenly he is ill, and  more importantly his DNA has been altered such that he may use alien weapons, a coveted resource that his company, Multi-National United (Doesn't that just sound sinister?) has been trying to utilize since the E.T.s landed a decade ago.

Wikus is a classic everyman. In fact, seeing his transition from self-interested corporate stooge to self-interested freedom fighter is actually quite compelling. What's more, he never really has a revelation along the lines of "what we're doing is wrong," he more or less keeps getting deeper and deeper into the whole mess because of that ever-present self interest. First his career, and then fixing his rapidly changing DNA compel him to do what he does throughout the story, and it's presented in such a way that we the audience can almost pictures ourselves doing the same.

The final frame of the movie is also very compelling, and while it may or may not have set up a sequel, the director would have his work cut out for him if he tried.

The oversimple description to get friends to see this movie? Blood Diamond meets Alien Nation. Even simpler, Blood Diamond with aliens. In fact, you could Cavalcade this movie with Alien Nation, though the cuisine would have to be . . . funky.

Pandorum

We've invited our friend John P. Higgins to share with us his thoughts about, well.. pretty much whatever he feels like. Schlock Games, Movies, TV-nothing is sacred. John's columns will be a bit more in-depth than our usual reviews, and may feature significant spoilers. You've been warned, but you'll like it.-The Management

Pandorum opens on an intense and intriguing note, with fledgling character actor Ben Foster not playing a crazy person for the first time since X-men 3. He wakes up in a chamber hooked into wires and covered in rubber.

If this sounds like your Sunday mornings, please let me know what the hell kind of club you go to for fun.

Foster gets his uniform on and soon runs in into Dennis Quaid, who's sporting a beard and beady eyes. Quaid informs foster that something has gone wrong (duh). There's some talk of what shift of skeleton crew is supposed to minding the ship on it's journey to the salvation of humanity, and neither of them really knows.

They decide is high time they explored a space ship that was designed by Trent Reznor. It's full of tubes and weird lights and creepy music, Foster crawls around in chamber that's comically full of rubber tubing for a little to long until he stumbles into the locker room. Then he's assaulted by Milla Jovovich 2.0, Bigger Cup Edition, who asks him for his boots.

Then the Space Orcs show up.

The ship is carrying thousands of people to salvation.  However, some of them got out early and contracted a nanovirus that is supposed to adapt them to live in whatever environment they are in. They're trapped on space ship, so they turned into space orcs.

Makes sense.

That whole previous paragraph is recounted in rhyme by Scatman Caruthers' great-great-great-great-great-grandson as he prepares to skin and eat Foster. MJ 2.0 and a Thai farmer they found along the way of such prodigious martial arts skill he apparently worked the Ninja Tree Orchards for many years.

Meanwhile, Dennis Quaid has been arguing this whole time-with a hallucination that really looks like he belongs on Gossip Girl-apparently has the Pandorum, a disease you get from space that makes you crazy. Quaid puts his hallucination in an air lock only to have it get out again. And since it's a hallucination, it wins by shooting Quaid up with Clarity Juice...or something. They merge, and now Quaid is evil.

Foster and his band of ne'er do wells attempt to reboot the ships reactor, which I think works; and then Caruthers XXI is killed by a space orc, and then the Ninja Tree Farmer. Caruthers, okay. But the ninja tree farmer is killed by a baby space orc. What the hell?

The final confrontation takes place on the bridge, where all space-ship based movies have their final conflict, come to think of it.

Foster wants to know where the ship is, and Quaid says Foster has the Pandorum. Foster and MJ 2.0 say that is bullshit, Foster hallucinates, and maybe the space orcs don't even exist! Quaid finally opens the skylights of the bridge to reveal that yes, they are in fact, deep in the ocean of their new planet and have been there for about a hundred years. Which is better than the ship going to hell and bringing back Sam Neil, I suppose.

Foster beats Quaid, he and MJ 2.0 hop in the escape pod, and the ship explodes after discharging all the other escape pods. Humanity then washes up on the continent of a brand new planet that looks suspiciously like Scotland, and Quaid presumably drowns-taking the secret of Pandorum with him.

This movie paired off with another claustrophobic space movie could work either as a horror Space Cavalcade (Event Horizon), or just Space Schlock (Wing Commander).

Tokyo Gore Police

One of the great things about running the Cavalcade is that whenever we're asked to speak about our desire to bring back the Drive-In Grindhouse movie experience, people can't help but to excitedly blurt out their own personal favorite B-movie experiences, often leading to us discovering new gems.

On one such occasion, we were introduced to the amazing Kung Fu Cult Cinema website, a fantastic resource for all things Asian Cinema. An attendee of one of our Events was so excited about a little film she found through their site, she couldn't stop talking about it. It led to us bringing it into our homes and being completely blown away by its sheer....Awesomeness.

And what, pray-tell, was that fine cinematic gem that sent our minds reeling into the outer reaches of the spiral arm of the western consciousness?

Two words: Machine Girl (2007)

This movie has it all. Ninjas. Yakuza. Flying Guillotine. Chaingun Arms. A Drill Bra. Death by Tempura.

It. Was. Amazing.

But while we were still reeling, the DVD followed through with the promise of more to come in the form of a trailer for Tokyo Gore Police , a film that promises to outdo Machine Girl on every level. We're here to tell you: If there isn't a ton of gore and  some police against the backdrop of Tokyo, we're going to have some problems.

When a crazed scientist called Key Man develops a virus that causes humans to mutate, samurai sword-wielding cop Ruka is called in to annihilate the unnatural creatures. Can Ruka wipe out the mutations and stop Key Man before the virus takes over humanity? Little does Ruka know, though, that the slaying of her father years before means she shares a hidden bond with her nemesis. Yoshihiro Nishimura's fast-paced gorefest stars Eihi ShiinaItsuji Itao and Shôko Nakahara.

Look. We know we promise that we "look for the worst Netflix has to offer" each week. But frankly, the last few films have seriously impacted that crucial sector of our brains we like to call  our  "will to live". Give us this one week to actually enjoy a flick, huh? Please?

Please refresh this page to see the latest live-blog post after 2pm the day of the event.

  • We’re starting up Tokyo Gore Police
  • The movie is startign with a light jazzy score and kids in the park…And dad’s a super hero!
  • and HIS HEAD EXPLODED!
  • This is more like it! Dark! Broody! BLOODY!
  • Why are there mattresses on the top of the cars?
  • Eeeew, eyeball sushi!
  • Sooo this is going ot be a live-action anime. Only…weirder.
  • With a heroine having issues with an exacto knife..and her wrist. Hey look, LEATHERFACE!
  • Seriously, how can you NOT notice the chainsaw-weilding maniac walking up behind you?
  • He just grew a new organic CHAINSAW arm that he can throw with a retractable chain! I WANT ONE!
  • Oh wait. Hot school girl rocket jumping with a bazooka. I’m in love!
  • Um. Dude. Don’t try to eat the chainsaw. Bad for your teeth.
  • SWORD DUEL…WITH CHAINSAWS! Is it wrong that I’m aroused by this?
  • All that before the title sequence! I need a cigarette.
  • They just executed a criminal for a commercial. That’s marketing we can believe in!
  • What’s up with all these people with saws for hands? The coroner has a bone saw for a right arm!
  • A key-shaped tumor is a trademark of a mutant? Huh?
  • The cops are in full cyber-samurai armor. And the car-tops are temple roofs?
  • Ominous chorus, flickering lights…Somebody gonna bleeed soon. OUT COMES THE SWORD!
  • The gimp..is..an..amputee? Being walked like a pet dog by a demon cyber-samurai? AWESOME.
  • Aaaaand it’s her boss wishing her a happy birthday. This is one F’d-up police department!
  • Ok. The police captain is one freaky dude.
  • Ok..Thaaaat’s a dildo.
  • aaaaand that’s a creepy dude in a diaper.
  • Seriously. What is up with the Japanese and doing weird things to schoolgirls?
  • *gasp* it’s the key-shaped tumor! This can’t be good!
  • Aaaand there goes the madam. I do believe she is being drained of blood into baby bottles..
  • DUDE! INTESTINES IN A COMMERCIAL! WHAT. THE. HELL??
  • A new packing method of stuffing whole prostitutes into a tiny box for convenience!
  • And now the hero is dressed as a prostitute. OF COURSE she is. Oh, and let us not forget the umbrella sword.
  • And now for a commercial for fashionable wrist cutting toys? WOW.
  • Dude is eating Cicadas covered in maggots. Grossest thing. EVER.
  • Ok. One woman you do NOT want to fondle in the train is the one who will cut your arms off!
  • Um. Why are you going to sit there and watch him mutate? STAB HIM SOME MORE!
  • he PULLED THE TOP OF HIS HEAD OFF AND HAS EYE CANNONS???
  • Hard to use facial recognition when you only have the top half of a FACE.
  • A Wii mote with a knife where you can actually disembowel people by remote control? That’s a product I WANT!
  • The commercials in this movie make those in Robocop look like freakin’ Sesame Street.
  • um. the stripper has an eyball in her mouth, and a penis for a nose. not the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
  • Golden Showers…FROM A CHAIR. WHAT?
  • No. I mean THE CHAIR is peeing on people!
  • When the genetically modified prostitute with weird skin grafts straps you down, this is not good.
  • aaaaand she bit it off. TOLD you, dude. Told you.
  • We have decided we need vodka.
  • Her entire lower half is now an aligator jaw! You don’t WANT to know where the throat is!
  • Honestly. I don’t know that I can say anything more about this movie. I just watched a mutant vagina EAT a man.
  • 4-foot-long PENIS CANNON!
  • And now we pause for exposition. Complete with illustrations in crayon!
  • The only thing weirder than the movie is its explanation.
  • For Supercops, these guys really let people walk up behind them and shoot them in the head WAY too easily.
  • “Thanks a lot for telling me…you insane bastard”-Best line in the movie.
  • The movie has now become amputee porn.
  • Acid-shooting-Nipple-cannons? REALLY?
  • We have decided we need more booze.

20 Minutes later…

  • We now have strawberry thingamajiggies with vodka and SoCo.
  • 22 minutes of solid ultra-violence left….
  • There are a pile of body parts, and one of the cops is licking a severed foot.
  • Fist gatling gun? I want to MEET the guy who came up with this!
  • Flying middle fingers of DOOOM!
  • And now we have an epic battle with a 0-limbed amputee that replaced everything with swords!
  • The bad guy is flying on Blood-jet propelled leg stumps!
  • Amputee now has MACHINE GUN LIMBS! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!
  • And that’s the end. OH, MY FUCKING GOD, was this movie awesome!
  • Last sbot of the movie: “MORE GORE COMING SOON!” With that, we close out Tokyo Gore Police. Thanks all!