Raid: Redemption, The

Just how high is an action movie's bar set that when we see a guy take a shot to the face from a steel chair, it fails to impress us?

Dear lord, bless us this day when you sent forth a review copy of The Raid: Redemption, an Indonesian action flick by Welsh filmmaker Gareth Evans. I have often said that the measurable standard of how great an action movie (more specifically, a martial arts picture) is by how often the audience winces and goes, "Ouch!" As I sit here, hands flying across the keys of the keyboard, I'm still remembering some of the bone-crunching stunts of the film and the sounds of a group of hardened and jaded action fans all cringing with a mixture of empathetic pain and excitement.

With a plot taken straight from a video game, the story follows an elite group of police who, uh, raid an apartment building held under the iron fist of a crime lord, who rents out space to other crime lords. By "elite group of police" I of course mean "a bunch of cannon fodder that got their idea of urban assault tactics from playing Rainbow Six: Las Vegas" There is a nice nod by the screenwriter in a blink-and-you-miss-it throwaway dialogue exchange that explains away the utter lack of tactical planning on the police's part with a variation on the "I'm not even supposed to be here today" line from Clerks (1994).

Needless to say, the assault goes all kinds of FUBAR and eventually we're left with one badass rookie and a building full of gangsters with assault rifles, machetes, and flying fists of furious...err...fury. As the hero dispatches generic villain after generic villain, the video game analogy continues in our heads as we start mentally imagining his health and power meters, all leading to the epic boss battle at the end.

There isn't much characterization on display here. Hell, most of the characters are named along the lines of "Machete Gangster #6". But complaining about lack of character development in a movie this intense would be a cardinal sin. The action is the character development, and this movie essentially the action equivalent of a Shakespeare soliloquy. You've got refrigerator bombs, hatchet fights, machete-fu, gun-fu, knee-fu, multiple elbows to the face, and a guy still kicking tons of ass with a piece of a florescent light bulb sticking out of his neck (who at one point made a kick so fast that we would have to rewind the film and watch in slow motion just to see it happen). In case you're wondering, he's The Raid's take on Caliban from The Tempest. Hamlet is the one who stuck the bulb in there in the first place.

Being an Indonesian action picture, there is a healthy disregard for the well-being of the stunt people on display during the course of the story. During the afore-mentioned fight with the steel chair, there are also a few choice shots involving a file cabinet that couldn't have been done by any other method than recklessly hurling a guy at said file cabinet...then crushing him with it. However, our audience was quite impressed with sheer number of medical professionals and massage therapists listed in the closing credits.

In a way, The Raid is a lot like Christmas...if Christmas involved a bowie knife to the knee.

Wanted

What happens when you take a silly script, cast Morgan Freeman to lead an above average cast,  and have Russian-Kazakh Auteur Timur Bekmambetov direct?

Two hours of crowd-pleasing action-awesome !

Professional pretty boy James McAvoy plays Wesley Gibson, a nobody in a dead-end office job. He hates his life to the soothing soundtrack of Nine Inch Nails, and can't stand up for himself yet his internal monologue is seething with rage.

All of this changes after his father is killed, and Fox (Angelina Jolie) comes to his rescue when some sort of super assassin tries to kill him. She takes him to the Secret Headquarters of the Brotherhoood, where their leader Sloan (Freeman), explains the plot to him. Fox then puts him through a BDSM-flavored training montage. The best kind of montage, really.

What's funny about this movie is it's really not an action movie exactly, as it spends a lot of time making the Wesley Gibson character into an action hero. A big part of the entertainment is the loser turning a blood thirsty bullet slinger. It would be a power fantasy, except that Gibson goes through hell to get that power. This is cool and all, but  it's nearly 40 minutes of this stuff before the plot starts to move forward again. You see what happens? We complain about montages in action movies, until we realize they can take up HALF the film.

Then special guest star Konstantin Khabenskiy (of Night Watch and Day Watch fame) gets accidentally shot by Gibson and s**t gets real.

Gibson goes on a quest to kill the man who killed his father, and Morgan Freeman assigns Angelina Jolie to kill Gibson. There's a bunch of ass kicking and shooting, and Bekmambetov actually knows how to use slow-mo, so it's gorgeous to boot. Bullets collide with each other in mid-air. I said Mid-air, people!

Of course, there's the required huge plot twist. But it's after what could be the best on screen destroying of a train, so it doesn't matter much. It's all filmed with such attention detail and style that to call it fetishizing would be like saying Jenna Jameson makes "stag films."

Furthermore , the insane climax of this movie involves exploding rats, and gun play that would make the Clerics in Equilibrium consider taking up flower arranging. In fact, put this movie together with Equilibrium and you can have a great Gun-fu night.

It should be mentioned that only the first 20 minutes in any way resembles the comic (by Mark Millar) on which it is based . For another Millar adaptation, check out our review of Kick-Ass-The Management

Chocolate

Chocolate, the 2008 Thai action film brought to us by the directorial genius of Prachya Pinkaew, is a touching kung fu fairy tale about an autistic girl and her best friend trying to help her gravely ill mother. Pinkaew is more well-known to American audiences as the man who helmed Ong-Bak: the Thai Warrior and The Protector (a.k.a."Dude, Where’s My Elephant?") with the fantastic Tony Jaa . Like his previous films, it feels like there’s an underlying theme of mysticism woven into an intricate and bloody tapestry of glorious violence.

Through the magic of kung fu, the heroine in Chocolate conquers insurmountable odds and learns the true meaning of love and family...while kicking a whole lot of lotta ass. This is a Thai action film, after all. Here the main rules are they don't pull their punches, and if your cast escapes filming uninjured, you’ve done something wrong.

Once upon a time, Zin (Ammara Siripong) fell in love with Masashi (Hiroshi Abe). Star-crossed lovers, she was the girlfriend of Thai gangster,"No. 8" (Pongpat Wachirabunjong), and he was a Yakuza boss. The tense opening scene establishes the animosity between these two factions as both guns and lines are drawn. Once that’s out of the way, the audience gets to watch a steamy montage where Zin and Masashi fall deeper in lust/love with each other...you know, like you do when you’re badasses on opposing sides of a gang war.

Ultimately, this comes to a head during a Compton-style drive-by where Zin jumps out of the car to get between the bullets and her beloved. Not to be outdone in the drama department, No. 8 literally shoots himself in the foot as a statement to Zin that this romance BS with Masashi can’t continue. After a night of hot sex, Zin sends Masashi packing back to Japan for their own good.

More montages find Zin pregnant, and the little girl, Zen, is a “special child.” Trying to tell the father ends with a painful meeting with No. 8, so like any good mother would, she pulls up stakes and moves herself and her little girl next door to a Muay-Thai martial arts school where becomes enraptured by the movements of the students, and develops her superpower: perfect muscle memory.

Years later, Zen (Yanin Mitananda) and her best friend, Moom (Taphon Phopwandee), are earning money performing stupid human tricks to pay for Zin’s cancer treatments. They stumble across mom’s old gang debt book and decide to collect. Asses get thoroughly kicked in Zen’s path to collect, finally leading up to a battle with No. 8 and his transvestite hooker army.

Mitananda really shines as Zen, with all of her autistic quirks, bad-assery, and single-minded devotion to her mother. The rest of the cast is fantastic as well, including the scene-chewing performance Dechawut Chuntakaro, leader of No. 8’s transvestite hooker army. All in all, Chocolate is a delicious, heart-warming film with a fairy tale ending that’s just a little perkier than a Shakespearean tragedy, but totally appropriate and worth it.

Ultraviolet

I didn't heed the warnings. I didn’t see the writing on the wall.

I. Watched. Ultra. Violet.

A movie is a balancing act, and a good one can have a few bad elements. Ultraviolet, on the other hand, is nothing but bad elements. The opening sequence sets the stage, with stills of comic book covers featuring a character that we don’t actually care about yet, and never will. balance

Kurt Wimmer, the mastermind behind the totally great 1984-with-ninjas-concept movie Equilibrium, got a little big for his britches and made what is likely the worst action movie of the decade. The film features Milla Jovavich as Violet, and Milla Jovavich’s abdominal muscles . Seriously, they should get second billing. They’re in almost every scene, because some tool-shed costume designer didn’t put his foot down and say “An invincible-super-ninja-vampire would not wear a mid-riff baring shirt.”

The movie starts out with a terrorist faction of government-made vampires being launched via some sort of ball-bearing delivery system into an office building. So far, so good. The ball-bearing-ninjas get owned by the local security after chopping up (with no blood spatter) some scientist. Then we introduce our heroin, and little too late for anyone to care.

She narrates the amazingly stupid plot for a little while, and to her credit, she tries really hard to sound serious. It almost works except for phrases like “and so began the blood wars.” We meet the world’s germaphobic ruler Vice Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus (Nick Chinlund), who is so scared of germs he even keeps his personal sidearm hermetically sealed, and begins the movie-long of trend of characters not actually talking like people. That wouldn’t be so bad if it was well written, but it’s not. Daxus actually says “A courier is retrieving to bring here to the arch ministry as we speak.” That’s verbatim, I swear. Hurts, doesn’t it?

The movie is pretty much one long action sequence that demonstrates the Inverse Ninja Law. One ninja is unstoppable, but two or more might as well be Dodge Ball champions facing off against a battle-mech. The five Ball-Bearing Ninjas get owned by corporate security, while a lone warrior ninja kills everyone and everything that stands in her way.

Violet nabs a dimension-bending Macguffin that’s actually full of that Creepy Kid who always plays a Creepy Kid in everything he's in (Cameron Bright ), and who may or may not hold the key to killing all the vampires. Or he's the key to killing all the humans.Or the he's key to really great lobster bisque. I really have no clue. What I do know, is that the main character uses “flat space technology” so she can wear skin-tight clothing at all times and whip out a goddamned arsenal without it having to make sense.

More action ensues as Violet attempts to bring an end to the reign of the Grand-High Germaphobe. Some crappy gun-kata rip-off happens, and the credits roll. This movie is like a bad relationship, you feel like a bad person because you tolerated it for so long.

That being said: CAVALCADE THE HELL out of this picture.  It deserves everything you can throw at it. Mock it, make lewd shadow puppets on screen, it has it coming. Pair it up with Fist of the North Star for a Dystopian Double-Up.

Most importantly, AVENGE ME!

Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis

The title alone should clue you in. This movie knows exactly what it is, and has no shame about it.

It all starts with an outbreak of the Zombie plague in Africa, and cockroach from there makes its merry way to Thailand,  finally biting a Caucasian business man. We take a break from these shenanigans to look in on some totally different shenanigans involving kidnapping, where several thugs take a page out of the Warner Bros. cartoon playbook to nab some rich guy's daughter who, as it turns out, is quite the kicker of ass herself.

Said rich guy-in turn-hires the local warrior mercenary ninja, Master Thep (Suthep Po-ngam), to retrieve his daughter. He, being a master of management as well as the way of the ninja, delegates the task to our hero, Khun Krabii (Supakorn Kitsuwon). Khun, using the secret arts of ninja blacksmiths, hammers a wok into some armor and gets on with it.

Meanwhile, the Caucasian Zombie is spreading the plague.

Krabii goes to the local dance club...because, oh who the hell cares? Like every dance club in movies, it's way cooler than any dance club you can ever hope go to in real life.

Meanwhile, the Caucasian Zombie continues to spread the plague.

The movie goes on like this, with the characters cracking more jokes than the audience can. Then the outbreak hits the dance club and it gets exponential, following the accepted statistical paradigms of a zombie invasion. The Thai military shows up, isolates the outbreak to the condominium/dance club, and then promptly gets eaten faster than a Krispy Kreme doughnut at a Weight Watchers convention.

Master Thep hears of this nonsense and gets into his zombie fighting gear, which includes a battery-powered laser sword (no seriously, it's powered by D Batteries!), hauling master ninja ass to the scene.

What's completely great about this movie is that, despite the heavy doses of gore and violence, it has a very light tone.  It pokes fun at everyone and everything: Zombie movies, the Thai government, Gangsters, Kung-fu movies, Transsexuals (Hey, it's Thailand), and even those terrible Asian pop-songs they always seem to play at Pho restaurants.

This alone would make the movie worthy of a Cavalcade,  but the silly special effects and cartoonish characters send it right over the top into the rarified category of Wild Zero and Godzilla: Final Wars. Combine this with another Cavalcade favorite, Bio Zombie, and you recipe for a great Asian Zombie night.

Push

It would seriously be cool to move shit with your mind. Think about it: Football Sunday, game's in full-gear, but your beer is all the way on the other end of the coffee table, requiring you to shift your butt from that perfect spot on the couch that you just spent the last 30 minutes getting just right. According to the world history of Push, this age-old conundrum can be solved by simple genetic mutation. Solution? Telekinesis, baby!

At the heart of this story is Nick Grant,  a rather crappy telekinetic played by the charmingly never-serious Chris Evans, whose father was murdered by Agent Carver (portrayed with arrogant menace by Djimon Hounsou), and has been on the run ever since.

When we catch up with the perfectly stubble-faced Calvin Klein model protagonist, he's attempting to win money by manipulating dice games, fails and gets punched in the head. Enter 13-year-old Cassie (Fanning), who is the definition of precocious. A hard drinker with knobby knees and huge boots, she tells Grant they can get six million dollars, but then the future changes. Constantly. First, they're going to die. Then everyone's going to die, and then everyone and their mother is going to die.

No, seriously.

Unless they can enlist the aid of a motley crew of ex-pat psychic-powered people against the sinister Division, a government organization that nabs psychics and uses them for Nefarious OperationsTM is...going to grab them and use them for Nefarious OperationsTM.

Then-DOOM is certain.

A bunch spiffy psychic action sequences happen, followed by some advancement of a silly plot that's actually reasonably well acted and not boring, then some more action, and a few neat twists which I'm just not going to give away here.

The special effects are smoothly worked into the set pieces and the cinematography takes everything it knows from all kinds of eastern cinema.The plot of movie is actually less convoluted than you'd expect from a movie with people who can alter memories and see the future to be, and it actually leads into to some nice twists, but this is an action movie, not Dark City-do not expect depth of story. (For the record: if you haven't seen Dark City, shame on you)

Years ago, action movies were more provincial: there was the Hong-Kong flick, the French actioner, and the American blockbuster. But as time has gone on, movies- especially action movies-have been become more and more diverse in their stories and casts. Push is probably the most diverse of these movies to date, with no less than six countries represented by its performers.

Push is very unique film. It's a stupid-yet-fun action movie, with elements of a heist picture mixed with a video game, and is setup to be the first film in a trilogy that will never be made. The best angle to take for a Cavalcade is to go international action, with Time and Tide to follow this one.

Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

"And Shepherds we shall be For thee, my Lord, for thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand. Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti."

In the two thousandth and second year of our Lord, an object most holy was passed to my unworthy hands. The prophet that bequeathed said relic bade me to "watch this...and you will understand." Once I returned to my homeland, I placed the object delicately into the appropriate medium for it to communicate with me The Word.

Thus is how I became acquainted with The Saints. And it was good.

To say director Troy Duffy's freshman effort told the tale of two brothers who feel chosen by God to mete out punishment to the underworld and follows their bloody campaign would do it quite the disservice. It doesn't convey the anarchic joy of its gleeful ripping off of homage to every other action movie ever made. That description also doesn't even begin to touch on the wild style with which it was made, with it's non-linear storytelling, play with camera speeds and tempo, and fantastic use of underground music. Granted the plot didn't make any sense whatsoever, there was nary an original character to be found, and the dialog frequently delved into screaming out fuck and shit in lieu whenever it got lost...which was often. But the movie was fun. And well crafted for such a low budget production. As such, it has become a staple in many a DVD collection, so much so that it's my traditional St. Patrick's Day movie.

Fast Forward ten years and past a production so troubled that they ended up making a movie about it, and you finally get to see a sequel to the underground cult hit that proved that Billy Connolly is an absolute badass. How is it? The answer is... I'm not quite sure.

The problem stems from the core fact that there's enough picture here for two full movies, something that a good editor should have taken and carved out a tighter picture from.  At 118 minutes, the movie is easily 20 minutes longer than it should have been, with its pencil thin story of vengeance. Starting out with a priest being murdered "saints-style" in an effort to bring the dynamic duo out of their hiding, it meanders down a path that takes the Batman origin story and rectally inserts it into Godfather II. What's left is hauled out on the screen at a slow enough pace that the audience is given the time to do one thing they should never do in a movie like this: Think about the logic of the situation.

Where the original film deftly veered back and forth between the comedy and violence, there are large segments of this film where it devolves into a slapstick comedy picture with sharp turns to melodrama that are just jarring. It doesn't help that a majority of the set pieces are taken from the original and given only the slightest twists so they aren't exact copies of the first picture.

But...there's still a lot of charm here, and when it finally gets rolling, the action proves to be every bit as exciting as the first flick. Besides, Julie Benz's routine with a six-shooter and a cowboy outfit was enough to send one of the other Cavalcade writers into near-convulsions of glee when he witnessed it, almost quivering right out of his seat in ecstatic dirty thoughts. Something that was both entertaining and frightening to behold, I assure you.

Yo-Yo Girl Cop

Movie titles are very important.  Sure, most audiences know something about the plot or the actors involved in a movie before they start getting interested; but, there are some titles that just grab an audience before they know anything else, like : Yo-Yo Girl Cop. Even if you do not enjoy the not-so-subtle art of playing with a yo-yo, you have to admit that it’s a catchy title.  Which is important since the movie has little else going for it.

Released in 2006, Yo-Yo Girl Cop is the third in a series of films based on a television series based on a manga series called Sukeban Deka (“Delinquent Girl Detective”).  Each version features a young girl fighting crime undercover in Japanese high schools armed with only a metal yo-yo and congenital badassery.

The latest installment is no different as we follow Saki Asamiya (or Asamiya Saki, if you want to be formal), the next generation’s delinquent, as she is recruited by the Japanese police to infiltrate a high school which is the focus of an ongoing movement for teenage immolation.  Which, for the folks playing at home, brings our “Stolen Ideas from Better Movies” count to 3: La Femme Nikita 21 Jump Street and Blood: the Last Vampire.

When it comes to teenage suicide (and now for the requisite “don’t do it”….Damn you, Heathers !), pills and razors are for wimps. These guys strap bomb-vests to themselves and go running for the nearest populated area!  Apparently, it’s also a group activity.  Taught how by the resident villain’s website, “Enola Gay.”  While watching the teenagers working their chemistry sets to create the explosives and wiring together the timers and vests, I was struck by how, even in the arena of juvenile delinquency, Japanese teens are still more educated and innovative than Americans.  There has to be some way we can close this gap, America!

Remember that awesome title I mentioned in the beginning?  You’d think there’d be wall-to-wall yo-yo action.  In fact, there are only about 4 real scenes of intense yo-yo violence.  The bulk of the movie is devoted to Japanese teenagers crying about bullying in their high school and deciding that blowing themselves up is the only answer.  Well, that and robbing a bank.  It turns out that the bombing movement was a smokescreen to rob a bank, which brings us to 4: Die Hard!  However, towards the end, there is a sequence when Asamiya fights the “evil” Yo-Yo Girl and it, as a much more prolific internet commentator named Chris Sims has pointed out, “is the entire reason this movie was made.”  In some movies(Casshern ), one scene of exquisite violence is more than enough to justify its existence, Yo-Yo Girl Cop is not one of those movies.

There are some fun points: a girl explodes in the first 3 minutes; the “shaky-cam” technique is used to demonstrate some incredible sandwich-eating choreography; goofy yo-yo fighting; and, Tak Sakaguchi.  However, the story is too bogged down in teen melodrama to be exciting.  Maybe if they’d try to bring Tom Smothers out of retirement…

Pistol Opera

Have you ever wanted to watch a stage play, an action movie,  and a sapphic romance-all with a progressive jazz and reggae sound track? Congratulations! Pistol Opera is the movie for you!

The movie starts with an Asian version of Andy Warhol (Nagase) taking out another guy who was trying peg someone with a hunting rifle.

Cut to our protagonist, Stray Cat (Esumi), practicing gun-fu behind a rice paper wall.

Apparently there's some sort of ranking and competition for best shootist in Japan and Stray Cat is ranked third so says her handler, who is dressed like a Jedi at Mardi Gras.

I think one of the best parts of this movie is it is so willfully abstract and obtuse that everything comes as across as silly. Weapons are delivered via courier and jobs are accepted via breast groping.

"Kill this dude" :: honk honk :: "I will kill that dude" :: honk honk::

Speaking of the weird sexual things going on, our Stray Cat is also a chronic masturbator, and in addition to having a weird relationship with her handler, she also has another strange sort of tense mentorship with a school girl. It reminds of Léon (The Professional in the US), except the young apprentice is much more blunt, to the discomfort of most audience members.

Stray Cat met her apprentice/bath mate during weird chase scene that felt like Scooby Doo if Jon Woo directed it. Which isn't to say it wasn't inspired, I mean, I certainly didn't know a dude in a wheelchair could move like that.

So apparently Stray Cat has to run around Japan killing other assassins . . so that she can remain number 3. Or be number 1. I'm not sure. Her next opponent is a very obviously Caucasian man (Jan Woudstra ), whose Japanese is actually quite good. It's really disquieting to hear this guy get most of the words right when he dresses a cattle driver and has a beard like Rob Zombie. Also, he doesn't feel pain-so he calls himself the "Painless Surgeon,"  and it's at that point I realize all the assassin's names in this movie would sound really cool if I was 14 and reading an online forum about Anime.

Turns out, Andy Warhol isn't actually much of a threat at all, as Stray Cat drops him like third period French with almost 30 minutes left. Her her opponent is the Mardi Gras Jedi, who is Japan's number one assassin, Thousand Eyes.

The climatic battle of the film takes place in at a Terror Expo, a Grand Guignol fun-house with actors sets and great lighting for Stray Cat to face off against Thousand Eyes. This is after Thousand Eyes has swiped Stray Cats apprentice, shouted at said apprentice in English, and then smacked her around a bit. Then going on to shout at Stray Cat in English and smack her around with a swagger stick, culminating an entire movie of weird antagonism mixed  with sexual tension....during a pistol vs. sub-machine gun battle.

You get the idea. This movie is solidly strange in an entertaining way.

Couple this with Miike's Hazard City (City of Lost Souls) or Levinson's Toys and you have a fine combination of gleefully strange movies.

Tokyo Gore Police

One of the great things about running the Cavalcade is that whenever we're asked to speak about our desire to bring back the Drive-In Grindhouse movie experience, people can't help but to excitedly blurt out their own personal favorite B-movie experiences, often leading to us discovering new gems.

On one such occasion, we were introduced to the amazing Kung Fu Cult Cinema website, a fantastic resource for all things Asian Cinema. An attendee of one of our Events was so excited about a little film she found through their site, she couldn't stop talking about it. It led to us bringing it into our homes and being completely blown away by its sheer....Awesomeness.

And what, pray-tell, was that fine cinematic gem that sent our minds reeling into the outer reaches of the spiral arm of the western consciousness?

Two words: Machine Girl (2007)

This movie has it all. Ninjas. Yakuza. Flying Guillotine. Chaingun Arms. A Drill Bra. Death by Tempura.

It. Was. Amazing.

But while we were still reeling, the DVD followed through with the promise of more to come in the form of a trailer for Tokyo Gore Police , a film that promises to outdo Machine Girl on every level. We're here to tell you: If there isn't a ton of gore and  some police against the backdrop of Tokyo, we're going to have some problems.

When a crazed scientist called Key Man develops a virus that causes humans to mutate, samurai sword-wielding cop Ruka is called in to annihilate the unnatural creatures. Can Ruka wipe out the mutations and stop Key Man before the virus takes over humanity? Little does Ruka know, though, that the slaying of her father years before means she shares a hidden bond with her nemesis. Yoshihiro Nishimura's fast-paced gorefest stars Eihi ShiinaItsuji Itao and Shôko Nakahara.

Look. We know we promise that we "look for the worst Netflix has to offer" each week. But frankly, the last few films have seriously impacted that crucial sector of our brains we like to call  our  "will to live". Give us this one week to actually enjoy a flick, huh? Please?

Please refresh this page to see the latest live-blog post after 2pm the day of the event.

  • We’re starting up Tokyo Gore Police
  • The movie is startign with a light jazzy score and kids in the park…And dad’s a super hero!
  • and HIS HEAD EXPLODED!
  • This is more like it! Dark! Broody! BLOODY!
  • Why are there mattresses on the top of the cars?
  • Eeeew, eyeball sushi!
  • Sooo this is going ot be a live-action anime. Only…weirder.
  • With a heroine having issues with an exacto knife..and her wrist. Hey look, LEATHERFACE!
  • Seriously, how can you NOT notice the chainsaw-weilding maniac walking up behind you?
  • He just grew a new organic CHAINSAW arm that he can throw with a retractable chain! I WANT ONE!
  • Oh wait. Hot school girl rocket jumping with a bazooka. I’m in love!
  • Um. Dude. Don’t try to eat the chainsaw. Bad for your teeth.
  • SWORD DUEL…WITH CHAINSAWS! Is it wrong that I’m aroused by this?
  • All that before the title sequence! I need a cigarette.
  • They just executed a criminal for a commercial. That’s marketing we can believe in!
  • What’s up with all these people with saws for hands? The coroner has a bone saw for a right arm!
  • A key-shaped tumor is a trademark of a mutant? Huh?
  • The cops are in full cyber-samurai armor. And the car-tops are temple roofs?
  • Ominous chorus, flickering lights…Somebody gonna bleeed soon. OUT COMES THE SWORD!
  • The gimp..is..an..amputee? Being walked like a pet dog by a demon cyber-samurai? AWESOME.
  • Aaaaand it’s her boss wishing her a happy birthday. This is one F’d-up police department!
  • Ok. The police captain is one freaky dude.
  • Ok..Thaaaat’s a dildo.
  • aaaaand that’s a creepy dude in a diaper.
  • Seriously. What is up with the Japanese and doing weird things to schoolgirls?
  • *gasp* it’s the key-shaped tumor! This can’t be good!
  • Aaaand there goes the madam. I do believe she is being drained of blood into baby bottles..
  • DUDE! INTESTINES IN A COMMERCIAL! WHAT. THE. HELL??
  • A new packing method of stuffing whole prostitutes into a tiny box for convenience!
  • And now the hero is dressed as a prostitute. OF COURSE she is. Oh, and let us not forget the umbrella sword.
  • And now for a commercial for fashionable wrist cutting toys? WOW.
  • Dude is eating Cicadas covered in maggots. Grossest thing. EVER.
  • Ok. One woman you do NOT want to fondle in the train is the one who will cut your arms off!
  • Um. Why are you going to sit there and watch him mutate? STAB HIM SOME MORE!
  • he PULLED THE TOP OF HIS HEAD OFF AND HAS EYE CANNONS???
  • Hard to use facial recognition when you only have the top half of a FACE.
  • A Wii mote with a knife where you can actually disembowel people by remote control? That’s a product I WANT!
  • The commercials in this movie make those in Robocop look like freakin’ Sesame Street.
  • um. the stripper has an eyball in her mouth, and a penis for a nose. not the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
  • Golden Showers…FROM A CHAIR. WHAT?
  • No. I mean THE CHAIR is peeing on people!
  • When the genetically modified prostitute with weird skin grafts straps you down, this is not good.
  • aaaaand she bit it off. TOLD you, dude. Told you.
  • We have decided we need vodka.
  • Her entire lower half is now an aligator jaw! You don’t WANT to know where the throat is!
  • Honestly. I don’t know that I can say anything more about this movie. I just watched a mutant vagina EAT a man.
  • 4-foot-long PENIS CANNON!
  • And now we pause for exposition. Complete with illustrations in crayon!
  • The only thing weirder than the movie is its explanation.
  • For Supercops, these guys really let people walk up behind them and shoot them in the head WAY too easily.
  • “Thanks a lot for telling me…you insane bastard”-Best line in the movie.
  • The movie has now become amputee porn.
  • Acid-shooting-Nipple-cannons? REALLY?
  • We have decided we need more booze.

20 Minutes later…

  • We now have strawberry thingamajiggies with vodka and SoCo.
  • 22 minutes of solid ultra-violence left….
  • There are a pile of body parts, and one of the cops is licking a severed foot.
  • Fist gatling gun? I want to MEET the guy who came up with this!
  • Flying middle fingers of DOOOM!
  • And now we have an epic battle with a 0-limbed amputee that replaced everything with swords!
  • The bad guy is flying on Blood-jet propelled leg stumps!
  • Amputee now has MACHINE GUN LIMBS! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!
  • And that’s the end. OH, MY FUCKING GOD, was this movie awesome!
  • Last sbot of the movie: “MORE GORE COMING SOON!” With that, we close out Tokyo Gore Police. Thanks all!