Resident Evil: Extinction

When one gets to the third film of what could be a horror/sci-fi trilogy, certain gimmicks have to be introduced.  These include but are not limited to: the end of the world (the risk of or the actual), deserts or cute critters of some sort.  Not to be outdone, director Russell Mulcahy chocks Resident Evil: Extinction with all three!

The world is good and properly screwed by this third installment and Alice (Milla Jovovich) has taken up Leonard Smalls’ (Randall “Tex” Cobb in Raising Arizona (1987)) mantle as “the lone biker of the apocalypse.”  Hiding from the evil Umbrella Corporation for fear of their turning her into a weapon, hiding from her friends for fear that they will be used against her by Umbrella and hiding from the hordes of zombies, because, well, they smell bad, Alice is wandering around directionless.  Much like this movie.

It’s difficult to determine whether or not the lack of direction helps or hurts this movie.  If it were on purpose, Mulcahy may have been showing through the film the terror and nothingness that awaits us poor survivors of the zombie apocalypse: a life of scrounging for food and praying that there will be a point to any of it.  On the other hand, if it were not on purpose, it just goes to show that the filmmakers had no idea what to do with this installment and said “Screw it, put ‘em in the desert and release the crows!”  I go back and forth.

Don’t misunderstand, Extinction has a lot going for it, not the least of which is the sexiest pile of corpses I’ve ever seen. (Yeah, I said it.  Find a cuter corpse pit and we’ll talk.)  Building off the ending of Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Alice has gone full-Tetsuo (Akira 1988).  These powers come in hand when Claire Redfield’s (Ali Larter) convoy of survivors is attacked by a murder of zombie crows.  That’s right, zombie crows.  In one of the most metal moments in film history, Alice destroys them using her brain and fire.

Also, helping the film are above average zombie make-up and a heaping helping of Day of the Dead (1985) references.  After five years, the zombies are looking a little worse for wear and the effects team did a wonderful job of showing that decomposing flesh and the sun do not mix.  Meanwhile, Dr. Isaacs (Iain Glen) works in an underground Umbrella facility with the foolish notion of domesticating the zombies into a viable workforce.  Care to guess how that goes?

Like most third films, Extinction does not stand well on its own.  However, within the series, it is not a bad installment and sets up a great ending that does actually continue into the fourth installment.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

In order to make a good horror movie sequel, the filmmakers must abide certain rules and conventions.  None of which are more important than the underlying rule: More.  And with More comes the equally important: Bigger.   Happily, for action/horror junkies like myself, Alexander Witt understood these rules and delivered the wonderfully over-the-top Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Picking up from before the previous installment left off, Witt shows the audience how the Umbrella Corporation’s T-Virus spread and devastated Raccoon City leading up to Resident Evil’s (2002) climactic cliffhanger.  Joining (the finally named onscreen) Alice (Milla Jovovich) are a motley crew of actors that continue the first film’s tradition of English people pretending to be American including Sienna Guillory doing a disturbingly-accurate Jill Valentine impression, Oded Fehr being the man, Thomas Kretschman from the five year period in which he was the ONLY working creepy German in film, and Zach Ward playing a Russian…  Riiiiiight.

Their mission, should they choose to accept it, is to rescue Umbrella scientist, Charles Ashford’s (Jared Harris) daughter from the quarantined Raccoon City, kill as many zombies as possible in the process, evade and/or stop Nemesis, a monosyllabic hulking monster who uses a minigun but only when he’s tired of using his rocket launcher, and, just so things are not too easy, escape an impending nuclear missile strike.

Witt and screenwriter/producer Paul W.S. Anderson like to pack as much as humanly possible into a sequel.  Luckily, they have more money to do so than the first film and they waste not one penny.  Right from the beginning, the scale of this sequel dwarfs the first film by focusing on an entire town, using primarily exterior shots to contrast the claustrophobic Hive, and inundates the audience with large action sequences.  Within the first eleven minutes, we get car crashes, zombie executions and delightfully ridiculous helicopter stunts.

And all that’s before Alice destroys three Licker monsters in a church with a motorcycle, bullets and sheer badassery.  Upping the ante from merely being tough, Alice now officially has superpowers!  You see the T-Virus, which at least kills everything and at most turns every human it infects into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength, simply made Alice hotter, better, faster, and stronger.  One could cry foul but this clearly falls under the “ What’s Good for the Goose is not Good for the Main Character” clause of science fiction/horror writing.

Aside from the larger scale of the film, Resident Evil: Apocalypse exceeds as a sequel for its greater sense of fun, for lack of a better word.  Resident Evil was a very “serious” movie.  Apocalypse on the other hand cannot take itself too seriously if only because at different points Alice runs down a building with no thought to gravity and feels conflicted about destroying a her friend who has now mutated into a horrible creature.  It’s silly and Witt embraces this aspect by giving us gallows humor, creepy zombie children eating a grown woman, Grand Theft Auto references, and, because you’ve been good little boys and girls, Zombie Strippers.

Priest 3D

I've been wracking my brain for a few days now to figure out a way to start a review of Priest 3D. Do I start with a quick breakdown of the plot? Essentially a post-apocalyptic take on John Wayne's The Searchers with the Priests as the Cowboys and mutant vampires as the Indians, the film centers on one such Priest (Paul Bettany) whose niece is abducted by vampires, causing him to set out across the wasteland, seeing to her rescue. He does so against the wishes of the Ministry, headed up by Monsignor Orelas (Christopher Plummer, who is either hurting for work or seriously slumming in this picture). Apparently the vampire menace has been put down, and any hint to the contrary is a threat to the totalitarian protective construct that the church has built.

Wackiness and Violence ensue, eventually leading to another group of priests (led by Maggie Q) being sent to bring back our protagonist, by any means necessary. Before long they run into the evil Priest/Vampire hybrid, Black Hat (played rather lethargically by Karl Urban), who wants to tear down the church... or something. To be honest, by the time they got to his motivation for anything, I wasn't really paying attention anymore.

Of course, the above breakdown pretends that the plot makes any kind of sense, which it doesn't. This film isn't only bad, it's AGGRESSIVELY bad. It's the kind of movie that comes into your house at night, steals your babies, and returns them to you as mindless zombies whose only purpose is to churn out money to see movies this. Freakin'. Bad.
Not even fun enough to mock, the film's pacing was set to fast-forward so you couldn't digest any of the scenery (recycled from a dozen other post-apocalyptic films), the characters (two-dimensional is actually adding an extra dimension), the monsters (badly recycled from the crappy vampires in "I Am Legend"), or the afore-mentioned threadbare plot. The movie never lingers on any particular element long enough for you to care, and as such, boredom quickly settles in. The one interesting aspect, that of the dictatorial Church of the Cyberpunk Jesus, is glazed over 4 minutes.

Well, at least the action's good, right? Sadly, no. Suffering from the same pacing problems as the rest of the picture, the action sequences are slap-dashedly thrown together so that you can't tell what's going on with the exception of a couple of "gee-whiz this was shot in 3D" moments.

As it's based on a Manga, I can only suppose that there is a better story to be had here, and it's a shame that the setting that could have been interesting wasn't used to better effect. Really, there's nobody to which I'd recommend this movie. It's terrible to sit through on your own (as I did), and the choice of action-packed vamp flicks for a Cavalcade has much better choices, the Blade Trilogy for starters. The first two for quality entertainment, and the last one for something to rip to shreds with friends.

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

This movie is clearly a sign of the times.

While the first two Universal Soldier movies were already low budget, they were at least silly enough to be fun. Reanimated soldiers with cyborg bits duke it out in the desert? Sure! Hell, one of them even starred Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's the definition of fun, right? Universal Soldier: Regeneration, on the other hand, taps mixed martial artist Andrei 'The Pit Bull' Arlovski as the dour tool of various villains.

The flimsy plot starts with a rebel faction that nabs the Russian president's kids with the aid of a snazy black SUV with a roll-cage welded on and some AK-47 assault rifles. The leader of the rebels calls for freedom, and talks about blood and blah blah blah. It doesn't matter what the hell he says, as it's all in Russian and like all Russian speeches it sounds like the Communist Manifesto. Long story short, he's going to blow up a disused nuclear reactor. Wait, one guy's a terrorist and the other guy is the President of Russia? Who exactly are we supposed to root for here?

Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme), that's who! Unfortunately, Deveraux is in rehab with a psychiatrist (Emily Joyce) whose teaching him how to be a normal dude again. It's not really working out very well, as he beats the hell out of a guy in a cafe in Sweden for looking too Russian.

Meanwhile, the Americans and Russians assemble a joint strike force consisting of two platoons: one Russian, and the other American, plus four Universal Soldiers who somehow made it through the last two movies. The Bull Dog promptly beats the living hell out of the "UniSols" in a fine mixed martial arts exhibition. He then shoots the rest of the platoons, inflicting roughly a 97% casualty rating.

Eventually, the Russian president surrenders to the terrorist's demands, but the scientist who actually controls The Pit Bull kills the rebel leader,  resurrects Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren), and restarts the bomb countdown, adding about twenty more minutes to an already over-long movie.

The good guys get around to sending Deveraux after shooting him up with some Hollywood Science, and while he's fit, he still looks beat to all hell and downright morose in places. This all culminates in a pre-final-battle battle between the two original soldiers, before the extra-stupid final battle between Deveraux and the Pitbull. Neither of these fights match the cheesy energy of the original and the second one completely disregards a major plot point.

Both Lundgren and Van Damme are looking worn down throughout the whole picture, and are a little too much like the reanimated corpses they're playing. You know, they really should have graduated to playing small, but important roles in the genre some time ago, a la Sonny Chiba playing Hatori Hanzo in Kill Bill . The Pit Bull, while a skilled fighter, makes JCVD look like Laurence Olivier .

I really can't recommend this movie for anything. It's so drab and brutal-being filled with depressing landscapes and dull action set pieces. There are tons of other movies with both Van Damme and Lundgren that are actually fun, such as Hard Target and Masters of the Universe respectively.

Repo: The Genetic Opera

I have to admit to a certain fondness for musicals. Fred Astaire was an idol of my childhood, as was Gene Kelly. Especially when he danced with Jerry Mouse (of Tom and Jerry). Though as much as I like a good musical, which is essentially a play/movie with more than a few dance numbers thrown in, I can't bring myself to dig operas. With every line of dialog done through song, my patience wears thin long before the story comes to a close. As such (and much to the dismay of my Grandmother), I always steered clear.

But hey, I like a good disembowelment as much as the next guy! Which brings me to Repo! The Genetic Opera, and the source of our discussion today.

Weaving a tale of betrayal, murder, corruption, insanity, and implied incest, this film is wholesome family fun, pure and simple. Taking place in a very dystopian 2056, it's been 26 years since an epidemic of organ failures crippled our society. Paul Sorvino stars as Rottissimo "Rotti" Largo, the billionaire industrialist who eventually saved the world by manufacturing and providing organ transplants for any and all who could afford them, eventually creating predatory financing plans to bring them to the poor.

Talk about your sub-prime loans.

Anthony Stewart Head is Nathan Wallace, who was Largo's chief rival for the affections of Marni (Sarah Power ) 17 years prior to the story's beginning. When Marni left Largo and married Nathan, and eventually became pregnant, the distraught industrialist poisons her. Nathan, at a loss as to why his wife is dying, carves out his daugher Shiloh (Alexa Vega) and raises her in a tower, a prisoner to his own grief.

Meanwhile, having been convinced by Largo that he was responsible for his wife's death, Nathan becomes the lead Repo Man, an assassin who's job it is reclaim organ's who's owners defaulted on payments. This burden, combined with his own guilt over Marni, causes his personalities to fracture. One is the caring/obsessed father that is Nathan, the other is "the Monster"-the personality that takes over when it's time for daddy to go to work. Whew! This is not a story afraid of melodrama.

I haven't even gotten to Rotti's children, who serve as the primary comic relief. When a Serial Murderer (Bill Moseley), Serial Rapist (Nivek Ogre), and a drug-addicted spoiled Daddy's Girl addicted to plastic surgery (Paris Hilton) are your comic relief...Well, let's just say you're in some dark territory. Even so, the plot has a breezy pace, punched up by a couple of really great musical numbers that mix traditional rock power ballads with a bit of Marylin Manson-style Industrial. Tony Head in particular, who last flexed his pipes on screen in a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, belts out his songs with a gusto while he hunches over, knawing on the scenery like a dog with a bone. In most rock operas, you're lucky if you like 3 or 4 songs. There are 16 here that have found permanent residence on my iPod.

A campy, blood-soaked joy of a picture, it's highly recommended for any viewing, Cavalcade or otherwise. Pair with Cannibal: The Musical, or Forbidden Zone for an event featuring fucked-up musicals. Or compare it to Repo Men, which has a LOT of similar elements, but slightly less gore.

Book of Eli

Back in 2001, comic writer Garth Ennis wrote an interesting mini-series called Just a Pilgrim. In it, the earth is a wasteland after an event called The Burn, where the sun expanded and literally scorched the earth. An unspecified time later came The Pilgrim, a mysterious man walking across the great plains of the Atlantic ocean, driven by his faith, and pursuing a personal holy mission. Along the way, he comes across a wagon train besieged by pirates, and joins on as their protector.  The story was one-part comedy, two-parts western and post-apocalyptic adventure, and finally-a disturbing look at the power of faith.

I couldn't help but be reminded by this as I sat down in the theater to watch The Book of Eli, the latest film from the Hughes Brothers and starring Denzel Washington as the titular Eli, a man of immense faith walking across the post-apocalyptic American wasteland 30 years after a world-war followed by a massive solar event killed off most of humanity, leaving the survivors scrambling for leftover scraps. In the 30 years since the solar event, civilization has regressed into a perfect post-apocalyptic version of Hollywood western society, with the horses replaced by motorcycles, and the good sippin' whiskey replaced by pure water.

In this world filled with bandits, cannibals, and general hopelessness, Eli walks-following in the footsteps of Clint Eastwood's Man With No Name and Alan Ladd's Shane. Filling out the western conventions are Gary Oldman as the "Robber Baron", returning to the deliciously tasty side of Evil after playing heroic sidekicks the last few years, Jennifer Beals as the "Kept Madam", and Mila Kunis as the "Wide-eyed Innocent". It's to Kunis' credit that she hold her own in the face of Washington and Oldman-it's almost enough to forget that she's Jackie from That 70's Show.

In classic form, Eli only wants to travel in peace and live by The Word, but keeps getting harassed, leaving him no choice but to rather reluctantly kick the living sin out of everybody in the room. By reluctantly, I mean of course with "great speed and flourish", with limbs flying akimbo after meeting with his machete. Eventually people stop trying to stab Eli, and go the way of the Gun-where he proves to be the kind of marksman that can make guns have 2 times their effective range and stopping power. Eastwood would be proud.

Between these wicked fun bits of violence, there's well-acted scenes where people discuss some incredibly silly things with utmost gravitas and emotion. The movie has the story it wants to tell, and by God it's going to tell it. If you haven't seen the trailers. Eli's got a book to deliver, Oldman wants the book for himself, wackiness ensues until the big twist at the end, and the credits roll. High concept nonsense, but done with such panache you won't mind at all. The movie is beautifully shot, great score, and as stated already-solid performances, even if Oldman's Carnegie is not nearly as menacing or fun as Norman "Stan" Stansfield, or The Count

This is not a Cavalcade movie. It's too well executed and takes itself far too seriously for a proper bit o' the mockery. It's definitely worth a look however, and I'd fully recommend a double feature with Eastwood's seminal Pale Rider.

Split Second

Is there anyone here who does not worship and adore Rutger Hauer? No? Good, if there were I would hope you’d go somewhere else because this website is simply not for you.  Everyone has a favorite Hauer film.  Some may enjoy his role as the terrorist baddy, Wulfgar, in Sylvester Stallone’s Nighthawks.  Others may remember him as the cursed knight in Ladyhawke . I bet everyone here loved him as Roy Batty in Blade Runner .  I love him as John Ryder in (the real) The Hitcher .  But my absolute favorite Hauer performance is homicide detective Harley Stone in Split SecondSplit Second is set “far in the future” of 2008 when global warming has caused flooding in London of biblical proportions.  Everyone walks around wearing waders.  Stone is hot on the trail a serial killer who murdered his partner.  After having witnessed the slaying and been powerless to prevent it, Stone now survives on “anxiety, coffee, and chocolate.” Seriously, that’s all he consumes through the entire film and he consumes A LOT of it.  And you would too if you saw the H.R. Giger-inspired monster that is murdering random Londoners and eating their hearts.  Doesn’t a movie get ten times better when the bad guy eats his victims’ hearts? For those of you who wish to dress as Harley Stone for Halloween, you will need:

  • A leather trenchcoat (complete with impossible 80s shoulder pads)
  • Black leather pants (in flood conditions!  They must shrink like there’s no tomorrow.)
  • Black Lennon-style sunglasses (which he wears even in an unlit sewer)
  • Fingerless gloves (but only on one hand)
  • Oversized boots with silly buckles
  • Cigars (which he lights with a blowtorch)
  • Carrying no less than three gigantic guns at all times (don’t worry they pick up bigger ones at the end)
  • Awesome hair

You may have guessed looking at the cover that he is a lone wolf that plays by his own rules.  His superior relates how he has been fired from every hellhole on the planet and that he is “the best” to his new partner, Dick Durkin.  Let’s take a moment and reflect on that name.  Alastair Duncan’s performance as Dick Durkin is so much fun that he nearly steals the movie. Durkin has all sorts of psychological theories on our 7 foot tall, heart eating killer.  The best part of the film may be when Durkin, the heretofore straight-laced, by the book, intellectual, comes face to face with the monster and goes as bug-nuts as Stone, eating chocolate and downing coffee like there’s no tomorrow.  All of the sudden, we understand that Stone hasn’t been crazy.  He’s just been dealing with the situation as “normal,” sane individuals are supposed to.  You never see that sort of a change over in movies. Okay, so the plot is simplistic and almost pointless in the face of Hauer’s performance, the concept behind the plot is overused, the budget is particularly low and the sets seem to be one rung above a Troma film, but there is Rutger and a pretty sweet monster. If nothing else, Kim Cattrall is our female lead so there’s a guarantee of a nude scene!

Fist of the North Star

How is it possible to make a movie this bad?

It has a who's who of B-Movie actors, from Malcolm McDowell , to "Downtown" Julie Brown and the the kid who played Rufio in Hook (Dante Basco).

This film is disappointing in nearly every way a movie can be. First of all, it's so slowly paced that, even at just 90 minutes, it's too long.  Secondly, the casting is just terribleCostas Mandylor-who was at his best in Picket Fences -is the main villain, Lord ShinHe mugs and grimaces at the camera and delivers his line in a way that a nine year old might find scary. Also it doesn't help he's wearing a ridiculous wig that he can't stop playing with. 

But probably the most grievous of all the miscues in this movie, is the casting of a kick boxer as the man who supposed to be the Fist of the NorthstarGary Daniels plays Kenshirô, the titular Fist-and he's aggressively unappealing in the role. He wanders his way through a Dystopian Landscape TM that is caused by an unknown event at an unspecified time, as Malcolm McDowell vaguely puts it an opening monologue that says "bad things happened" as we scroll past a demolished city.

Not that we need motivation for violence in a movie, but if you're going to have a flashback explaining everything, you might want to give it to us while we still care. You see, apparently Shin betrayed Kenshirô and poked a punch of holes in chest, one by one, with his index finger-as the lady they'd been feuding over looked on. We get to see this in a flashback that looks like it was filmed on the set of a high school production of MacBeth, and it takes far too long to get to it.

Before that, Lord Shin's Goon Squad-consisting of Chris Penn and Clint Howard -hassle and capture a bunch of rebels, the aforementioned Downtown Julie Brown, and Melvin Van Peebles. Yes, that Melvin Van Peebles. The movie is cut up between the goon squad doing bad things, and then Lord Shin saying how it's all part of his master plan, wash, rinse repeat.

After a bunch of vaguely related scenes and some very boring fight sequences with gratuitous slow-mo, we at last get to the final battle between Shin and Ken. Personally, I rooted for Ken, because Lord Shin dresses like he was at a fashion show for Super villains ("This fall, all the most stylish dystopian dictators will be going with the lace-up leather tank top.")

Can you Cavalcade this movie? Sure, but we don't recommend it. It's too dull. But if you just really had to, this movie could go well with Street Fighter: The Movie, just in terms of sheer badness.

Tokyo Gore Police

One of the great things about running the Cavalcade is that whenever we're asked to speak about our desire to bring back the Drive-In Grindhouse movie experience, people can't help but to excitedly blurt out their own personal favorite B-movie experiences, often leading to us discovering new gems.

On one such occasion, we were introduced to the amazing Kung Fu Cult Cinema website, a fantastic resource for all things Asian Cinema. An attendee of one of our Events was so excited about a little film she found through their site, she couldn't stop talking about it. It led to us bringing it into our homes and being completely blown away by its sheer....Awesomeness.

And what, pray-tell, was that fine cinematic gem that sent our minds reeling into the outer reaches of the spiral arm of the western consciousness?

Two words: Machine Girl (2007)

This movie has it all. Ninjas. Yakuza. Flying Guillotine. Chaingun Arms. A Drill Bra. Death by Tempura.

It. Was. Amazing.

But while we were still reeling, the DVD followed through with the promise of more to come in the form of a trailer for Tokyo Gore Police , a film that promises to outdo Machine Girl on every level. We're here to tell you: If there isn't a ton of gore and  some police against the backdrop of Tokyo, we're going to have some problems.

When a crazed scientist called Key Man develops a virus that causes humans to mutate, samurai sword-wielding cop Ruka is called in to annihilate the unnatural creatures. Can Ruka wipe out the mutations and stop Key Man before the virus takes over humanity? Little does Ruka know, though, that the slaying of her father years before means she shares a hidden bond with her nemesis. Yoshihiro Nishimura's fast-paced gorefest stars Eihi ShiinaItsuji Itao and Shôko Nakahara.

Look. We know we promise that we "look for the worst Netflix has to offer" each week. But frankly, the last few films have seriously impacted that crucial sector of our brains we like to call  our  "will to live". Give us this one week to actually enjoy a flick, huh? Please?

Please refresh this page to see the latest live-blog post after 2pm the day of the event.

  • We’re starting up Tokyo Gore Police
  • The movie is startign with a light jazzy score and kids in the park…And dad’s a super hero!
  • and HIS HEAD EXPLODED!
  • This is more like it! Dark! Broody! BLOODY!
  • Why are there mattresses on the top of the cars?
  • Eeeew, eyeball sushi!
  • Sooo this is going ot be a live-action anime. Only…weirder.
  • With a heroine having issues with an exacto knife..and her wrist. Hey look, LEATHERFACE!
  • Seriously, how can you NOT notice the chainsaw-weilding maniac walking up behind you?
  • He just grew a new organic CHAINSAW arm that he can throw with a retractable chain! I WANT ONE!
  • Oh wait. Hot school girl rocket jumping with a bazooka. I’m in love!
  • Um. Dude. Don’t try to eat the chainsaw. Bad for your teeth.
  • SWORD DUEL…WITH CHAINSAWS! Is it wrong that I’m aroused by this?
  • All that before the title sequence! I need a cigarette.
  • They just executed a criminal for a commercial. That’s marketing we can believe in!
  • What’s up with all these people with saws for hands? The coroner has a bone saw for a right arm!
  • A key-shaped tumor is a trademark of a mutant? Huh?
  • The cops are in full cyber-samurai armor. And the car-tops are temple roofs?
  • Ominous chorus, flickering lights…Somebody gonna bleeed soon. OUT COMES THE SWORD!
  • The gimp..is..an..amputee? Being walked like a pet dog by a demon cyber-samurai? AWESOME.
  • Aaaaand it’s her boss wishing her a happy birthday. This is one F’d-up police department!
  • Ok. The police captain is one freaky dude.
  • Ok..Thaaaat’s a dildo.
  • aaaaand that’s a creepy dude in a diaper.
  • Seriously. What is up with the Japanese and doing weird things to schoolgirls?
  • *gasp* it’s the key-shaped tumor! This can’t be good!
  • Aaaand there goes the madam. I do believe she is being drained of blood into baby bottles..
  • DUDE! INTESTINES IN A COMMERCIAL! WHAT. THE. HELL??
  • A new packing method of stuffing whole prostitutes into a tiny box for convenience!
  • And now the hero is dressed as a prostitute. OF COURSE she is. Oh, and let us not forget the umbrella sword.
  • And now for a commercial for fashionable wrist cutting toys? WOW.
  • Dude is eating Cicadas covered in maggots. Grossest thing. EVER.
  • Ok. One woman you do NOT want to fondle in the train is the one who will cut your arms off!
  • Um. Why are you going to sit there and watch him mutate? STAB HIM SOME MORE!
  • he PULLED THE TOP OF HIS HEAD OFF AND HAS EYE CANNONS???
  • Hard to use facial recognition when you only have the top half of a FACE.
  • A Wii mote with a knife where you can actually disembowel people by remote control? That’s a product I WANT!
  • The commercials in this movie make those in Robocop look like freakin’ Sesame Street.
  • um. the stripper has an eyball in her mouth, and a penis for a nose. not the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
  • Golden Showers…FROM A CHAIR. WHAT?
  • No. I mean THE CHAIR is peeing on people!
  • When the genetically modified prostitute with weird skin grafts straps you down, this is not good.
  • aaaaand she bit it off. TOLD you, dude. Told you.
  • We have decided we need vodka.
  • Her entire lower half is now an aligator jaw! You don’t WANT to know where the throat is!
  • Honestly. I don’t know that I can say anything more about this movie. I just watched a mutant vagina EAT a man.
  • 4-foot-long PENIS CANNON!
  • And now we pause for exposition. Complete with illustrations in crayon!
  • The only thing weirder than the movie is its explanation.
  • For Supercops, these guys really let people walk up behind them and shoot them in the head WAY too easily.
  • “Thanks a lot for telling me…you insane bastard”-Best line in the movie.
  • The movie has now become amputee porn.
  • Acid-shooting-Nipple-cannons? REALLY?
  • We have decided we need more booze.

20 Minutes later…

  • We now have strawberry thingamajiggies with vodka and SoCo.
  • 22 minutes of solid ultra-violence left….
  • There are a pile of body parts, and one of the cops is licking a severed foot.
  • Fist gatling gun? I want to MEET the guy who came up with this!
  • Flying middle fingers of DOOOM!
  • And now we have an epic battle with a 0-limbed amputee that replaced everything with swords!
  • The bad guy is flying on Blood-jet propelled leg stumps!
  • Amputee now has MACHINE GUN LIMBS! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!
  • And that’s the end. OH, MY FUCKING GOD, was this movie awesome!
  • Last sbot of the movie: “MORE GORE COMING SOON!” With that, we close out Tokyo Gore Police. Thanks all!

28 Days Later

When a movie opens with a montage of violent revolts playing on monitors and pans over to a chimpanzee strapped to a table with electrodes and wires stuck on its head in a laboratory, you know it's not going to end well.

Nothing good ever comes from chimpanzees strapped to a table.

By the time the PETA hugging eco-terrorists are mauled by the very animals they're there to rescue (much to the amusement of the meat-eaters in the audience), before turning on each other in a blood-soaked rage, you know we're in infected human zombie territory.

In 2002 Danny Boyle , the director of Trainspotting and the under-appreciated Shallow Grave , decided to tackle the end of the world in 28 Days Later. The resultant movie is a film that both pays homage to Romero's original Dead Trilogy (and movies like The Omega Man ) and updates the whole spiel with a nifty twist here and there.

The first change from the classic Zombie formila is the fact that they aren't "Zombies" at all, in the traditional sense. Here there is an outbreak of a "Psychological Virus" that turns those infected into rampaging flesh-mongering homicidal maniacs who vomit gore and scream alot. Being as how they aren't reanimated corpses, the infected here can run, jump, play hop-scotch, and tear you to shreds in a matter of moments. The flip side is that, while they are stronger and faster than the non-infected humans, they are every bit as mortal, so there's no special considerations to killing them... other than making sure you don't get any of their infected blood in yours, which leads us to the other change in the formula.

Another cliche in zombie cinema is the human that gets bitten and slowly dies from the infection, only to turned into a zombie at a dramatic moment. The change here is that a single drop of blood is enough to transform anyone into an infected in a matter of seconds, which leads to a few intense moments in the picture where allies become enemies in the course of a few moments.

Being a Danny Boyle picture, this movie is filled to the brim with slick visuals and great music. The ten-minute sequence where the main character (played by a then-relatively-unknown Cillian Murphy of Batman Begins and Boyle's own Sunshine fame) walks shell-shocked through a desolate and deserted London is incredible. The infected attacks are equally well shot, filled with intensity and energy.

As a matter of fact, with great dramatic turns by Christopher Eccleston, Brendan Gleeson, and Naomie Harris, one could be legitimate in the concern that 28 Days Later might not be suited for a gathering dedicated to Schlocky pictures. But I will argue that the energy, intensity, and the sheer rocking quality of the infected attacks stacked with the sheer creepy atmosphere throughout the rest of the picture make this a good addition to any marathon.  However, if you're going for more carnage, and want to stick in the 28 XX Later universe, 28 Weeks Later had more appearances of the howling masses, and was a solid pic that, for the most part, lived up to the original's quality.

But if you're simply looking for a fantastically stimulating flick that hits all the high points of the zombie genre, while still stimulating reinventing it, you can't go wrong with 28 Days Later.

You know, it isn't often we actually get a "good film" in the Cavalcade, and I'm still not entirely sure whether that's good or bad.