Priest 3D

I've been wracking my brain for a few days now to figure out a way to start a review of Priest 3D. Do I start with a quick breakdown of the plot? Essentially a post-apocalyptic take on John Wayne's The Searchers with the Priests as the Cowboys and mutant vampires as the Indians, the film centers on one such Priest (Paul Bettany) whose niece is abducted by vampires, causing him to set out across the wasteland, seeing to her rescue. He does so against the wishes of the Ministry, headed up by Monsignor Orelas (Christopher Plummer, who is either hurting for work or seriously slumming in this picture). Apparently the vampire menace has been put down, and any hint to the contrary is a threat to the totalitarian protective construct that the church has built.

Wackiness and Violence ensue, eventually leading to another group of priests (led by Maggie Q) being sent to bring back our protagonist, by any means necessary. Before long they run into the evil Priest/Vampire hybrid, Black Hat (played rather lethargically by Karl Urban), who wants to tear down the church... or something. To be honest, by the time they got to his motivation for anything, I wasn't really paying attention anymore.

Of course, the above breakdown pretends that the plot makes any kind of sense, which it doesn't. This film isn't only bad, it's AGGRESSIVELY bad. It's the kind of movie that comes into your house at night, steals your babies, and returns them to you as mindless zombies whose only purpose is to churn out money to see movies this. Freakin'. Bad.
Not even fun enough to mock, the film's pacing was set to fast-forward so you couldn't digest any of the scenery (recycled from a dozen other post-apocalyptic films), the characters (two-dimensional is actually adding an extra dimension), the monsters (badly recycled from the crappy vampires in "I Am Legend"), or the afore-mentioned threadbare plot. The movie never lingers on any particular element long enough for you to care, and as such, boredom quickly settles in. The one interesting aspect, that of the dictatorial Church of the Cyberpunk Jesus, is glazed over 4 minutes.

Well, at least the action's good, right? Sadly, no. Suffering from the same pacing problems as the rest of the picture, the action sequences are slap-dashedly thrown together so that you can't tell what's going on with the exception of a couple of "gee-whiz this was shot in 3D" moments.

As it's based on a Manga, I can only suppose that there is a better story to be had here, and it's a shame that the setting that could have been interesting wasn't used to better effect. Really, there's nobody to which I'd recommend this movie. It's terrible to sit through on your own (as I did), and the choice of action-packed vamp flicks for a Cavalcade has much better choices, the Blade Trilogy for starters. The first two for quality entertainment, and the last one for something to rip to shreds with friends.

Eclipse

First of all, let’s get one thing straight. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

No.

The god-damned movie is called Eclipse. Your movie isn't a “saga” just because it makes tons of money. Now, onto the review.

Everyone is back for what promises to be an Epic Final Showdown with the Cullen family and their uneasy allies, the Quileute werewolves, on one side; and the recurring Evil Redhead, her dupe (Xavier Samuel, who looks like a young Willem Dafoe), and a small army of newborn vampires on the other. “Newborn” as-in freshly turned, not vampiric infants. That’s a whole other brand of movie.

The showdown angle is actually the decent movie hidden deep in the recesses of an all new chapter of this overwrought teenage love story, and while I have praised the previous films for being focused, this one is-by comparison-quite overstuffed. Bella (Kristen Stuart) is still vapid and useless, unable to decide which boy’s emotions she’d rather toy with. I know there’s some subtext here, but seriously, girl, pick one! She’s not sure yet if she loves Jacob (Taylor Lautner), while he’s more or less insisting she loves him but doesn't know it yet. Edward (Robert Pattison) on the other hand, is acting fittingly like a 100-year-old man. The whole thing builds to its dramatic climax when Bella finds herself succumbing to hypothermia while hiding out from the rogue vampires, and Jacob has to keep Bella warm with his puppy-man body heat.

Eventually Ed and Jake have a little chat.

JACOB: I lurv Bella, even if she is a dumb girl ::ab flex::

EDWARD: I lurv Bella, even if she is a puny hoo-man. ::sparkles::

JACOB: You’re a dick.

EDWARD: No, you’re a dick.

JACOB: ::glowers::

EDWARD: ::glowers::

What’s really irritating about Jacob is that he sounds like he’s 16 years old, but his ripped as all hell, it’s really weird to see.

On top of this nonsense, Eclipse is the edgy flashback chapter of the Twilight movies, revealing the dark and angst ridden origins of two the Cullen Family “children.” One was a confederate major in the Civil War, and the other was some sort of gangster’s moll. There’s also a flashback to the reason why the local werewolf tribe hates vampires, featuring Peter Murphy. Yes, “Cuts-You-Up” Peter Murphy. All of these little vignettes actually add some much needed tension and horror to the story.

Then they remove all that tension by making the act of killing vampires look like breaking statues. During the long-awaited Epic Final Showdown, a whole lot of vampires die, and if it were any other movie, this would have been a scene full of well-earned gore and violence. The choice to not have more than an ounce of blood ruins the tension they built between scenes from the romantic comedy “Everybody Loves Bella.” It even feels like they edited the fights for TV. Honestly, I thought for a second that I needed to rent it on DVD, as this cut sucked. I then realized to my dismay that I was in a god-damned movie theater.

One thing they’re starting to get right when they make these movies is that it’s a comedy gold mine. There is a hysterical scene where Bella’s dad (Billy Burke) tries to give her “The Talk,” and insist she use condoms, because he’s just that clueless. Lesson learned: Always, always, always ask your daughter if she is dating some sort of supernatural humanoids. That’s just good parenting.

New Moon

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is in way over her head. Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), the pretty mopey boy she fell for, decides to break up with her the day after her birthday because he's an awesome boyfriend.

Bella, being an 18-year-old, decides that the break up is the end of the world so she wails like a banshee in her sleep. Her father (Billy Burke) now forever loathes Edward for giving his daughter what sounds like post-traumatic whooping cough.

Bella starts hanging out with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner); local Native American, Vidal Sassoon poster boy, and Edward's arch nemesis. They have an awkward and sad relationship, as Bella uses him so she doesn't feel alone. She rebuffs his advances, so he cuts his hair and joins a gang whose sole focus appears to be showing off their rippling abdominal muscles. They have an exchange that goes something like this:

JACOB: I ARE TEH KILLAR MONSTER! (*ab flex*)

BELLA: I'm sorry I used you.

JACOB: RAWR!! (*ab flex*)

BELLA: I miss Edward! She is so beautiful!

JACOB: (*pout* *ab flex*)

Business as usual in Forks, Wash!

Jacob and his new gang of underage underwear models spend most of their time killing the vampires that stray onto their land, one is being the former girlfriend of the guy who tried kill Bella in the previous film. She is unhappy. So much so that she kills veteran character actor Graham Greene while Thom York's "Hearing Damage" drains the tension out of all the action.

Edward's hot goth sister, Alice (Ashely Green),  shows up to tell Bella that Edward believes Bella to be dead; so he's off to Italy to ask Vampire Tony Blair (Michael Sheen) to kill him, as he can't go on without Bella. Ain't love grand?

The Vampire c Council is the best part of the movie. It barely lasts 20 minutes, but Vampire Tony Blair is a sight to behold. He's unctuous as all get out, speaking Italian and leering at Bella like she was as if she were a pert, firm teenager. . . as everyone else has been doing, really. Dakota Fanning is also here, playing one of those really young-looking vampires. Also present is professional Creepy Kid Cameron Bright , all grown up!  Vampire Tony Blair wants to kill Bella unless the Cullen family agrees to turn her into a vampire. They all shake on it, and then the group gets back in their mystery machine and head heads back to Forks.

Edward swears to never leave Bella again, so he and Jacob have a final face off, but nothing comes of it; they just glower at each other. Edward then asks Bella to marry him. The end! No really, Bella gasps and then they roll credits.

I must praise this movie, however, for having excellent internal continuity. New Moon definitely continues the story started in the first film. Sadly, that story is as a tortuously slow tale of teenagers falling hopelessly in and out of love, which is boring, even when they're not creatures of the night.

New Moon, like its predecessor, feels completely unnecessary. The film doesn't stand on its own, as everything that happens was set up in the first film, making it a true sequel like Lethal Weapon 2 ...only lame.

Twilight

Brace yourselves for a startling revelation:

Twilight isn’t terrible. It’s not good, really, but it’s not terrible.

Director Catherine Hardwicke knows her way around the camera, and there is almost no green screen. Instead, she uses the gorgeous Pacific Northwest as backdrop, a very refreshing touch in this day an age. The acting is also quite good, but that’s really the worst part, because the main players are supposed to be teenagers and they do a damned fine job of acting annoying and naive.

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is the new girl in the small town of Forks, Wash., moving in with her dad (Billy Burke), and everyone already knows who she is, including mysterious and sexy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), i.e. the prettiest "girl" in school.

Bella sits next to Edward in her first biology class, so he freaks out and asks to have the class changed. Bella’s about to ask him what the hell his problem is, but he keeps her from getting crushed by a car. What’s going on? How did he do that? Why is he being such a jerk all the time?...Bella has herself a Google-based research montage, and figures out that Edward is a vampire, which solidly answers at least two of those questions. So they have a conversation like this:

EDWARD: I ARE TEH KILLAR MONSTER! *sparkles*

BELLA: Snuggles?

EDWARD: RAWR!! *sparkles*

BELLA: SNUGGLES!

EDWARD: I are teh bad guy. . .

BELLA: So, how 'bout them snuggles?

This goes on in various levels of subtlety until they decide to start dating.

Everyone around Swan tells her, "That Cullen boy is no good;" including Jacob Black, a local member of the  First Nations who gets in teenage boy glowering contests with Edward whenever they meet.

While all this teen angst silliness has been going on, another group of vampires have been killing people in the area around Forks. One of them bears more than a passing resemblance to Brad Pitt and decides it’s time to hunt Bella after he interrupts the Cullen Family baseball game. I think because he’s an idiot, he believes he’ll get away with trying to kill this girl on his own when there’s a “family” of seven vampires protecting her.

Brad Pitt Lite tricks Bella into meeting him alone and tortures her by breaking her fibula with the hope of driving Edward into a rage. Edward and the rest of the Cullens show up, tear him apart, burn him and save Bella.

She wakes up in the hospital, and they go to prom. That’s pretty much it, really. Nothing in this movie is terribly hurried, which is actually kind of nice when so many other movies are crammed to the gills with characters and subplots within subplots.

Really, the chief offense of this movie is draining the life, pun intended, out of some of the oldest monsters in history. I'm not really sure why we need another Vampire/Human love story, as it's been done with more gore or more heart in so many other places.

That being said, Twilight is so self-serious it BEGS for Cavalcade. Between the weird subtext of a 100+ year-old having a romantic relationship with a seventeen-year-old, and the oceans of internet hype for and against it, this movie will definitely entertain anyone who has a few drinks and has seen Bram Stoker's Dracula .

Razor Blade Smile

This movie starts out with a flashback-where we know it's the past because it's in black and white-in which a young woman shoots a guy (who shot another guy), then he bites her and turns her into a vampire. Yep, that pretty much sums up the movie.

Wait, you want more?

Ok, then toss in a totally sweet 80's music video opening, absurd psychedelic backgrounds and all. Enter our main character, Lilith Silver, played with quivering lipped over-acting by Eileen Daly. Seriously, her lower lip trembles at every vowel. Anyhow, Lilith divides her time between hanging out at the Goth Club where they play Bauhaus, and picking up contracts in her latex kill-suit and thigh high boots.

LILITH: I bet you think you know all about vampires. Believe me, you know fuck-all.

There's a plot in here... somewhere. I want to tell you more. I really do. It involves some Illuminati rings. . . and some sex scenes. The sex scenes at least don't feel like some of the directors friends from the club showed up to be paid in pizza and beer. They're actually a whole other kind of depressing.

Lilith is bisexual so there's two of them. One depressing and sad sex scene with a pallid, not-quite-at-the-gym-enough type of guy that she adores, and the other with a pretty girl who she just kills.

This whole movie is filmed like the music video for the Smith's The Boy With The Thorn in His Side. From the weird angles that someone thought were avaunt guard, to the crappy lighting that supposed to be authentic and edgy, the movie wants so badly to be shot by Tony Scott. And all the while, Lilith narrates the entire thing with an overwrought tone that screams "nobody ever liked me in high school."

Tie all this together with a half-assed murder mystery, in which the only real mystery is why Lilith hasn't yet been arrested, what with the trail of bodies she leaves behind-and you have a formula for c-grade-movie awesome.

With amazingly bad writing, sub-par British acting, and terribly filtered day-for-night shooting, what's not to love? Follow this up with the under appreciated John Landis movie Innocent Blood, and you have a recipe for a hell of a Cavalcade.

Daybreakers

Ten years in the future, mothers across the nation will scold their children with,  “Why aren’t you drinking your blood?  Don’t you know there are starving vampires in China!”

Actually, there are starving vampires all over the world in the Speirig Brothers’ Daybreakers.  Ethan Hawke plays chief hematologist Edward Dalton, a vampire struggling with his condition in a world populated by vampires. He's trying to develop a substitute for human blood, as it is becoming the world’s scarcest natural resource.  But, in secret, he’s also hoping to find a cure for vampirism itself.

Sam Neill plays Charles Bromley, the evil head of the major pharmaceutical company that employs Ethan Hawke, who hopes to continue exploiting both humans and vampires for financial gain, and find his daughter, played by Isabel Lucas. She rejected the vampire way and remained human, and he hopes to recruit her to the winning team.

Willem Dafoe plays Lionel “Elvis” Cormac, ex-mechanic and ex-vampire (but all–awesome), who fights to re-establish human supremacy over the Earth, or at the very least, make humans no longer an endangered species. He does this under the leadership of  Audrey Bennett, played by the lovely Claudia Karvan.

Finally, Michael Dorman plays Frankie Dalton, Edward’s brother, who hunts down the humans for farming and has trouble not forcing himself on people that don’t want to be bitten.

I’ve gone into so much detail about the leads because the film seems to have about 4 to 5 different movies that all have the theme of a world populated with vampires but have little else to do with each other.  Unfortunately, none of these stories are brought to any real conclusion.

Another detractor is the film's failure of the "Who cares?" test:  Does the film get you, the audience involved in the triumphs and tragedies of its story?  Not really.  We've all these earnest characters as described above trying to make a difference in their world, but they all seem to be sleepwalking through the movie!  The notable exception is Willem Dafoe, who has been proven to make everything better (see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day ).

On the plus side, there are a few fairly interesting ideas on display if one enjoys vampire movies. The Speirigs do a great job of troubleshooting what a society of vampires would look like. The cars and armor designed to allow vampires to travel in broad daylight were neat, but more fascinating was the idea of the "Subwalk" which connects nearly every home in the area to an series of underground tunnels.  Also fun were the warnings of the impending dawn.

As in every vampire movie, there is however, that one idea that pushes the boundaries of believability.  Remember the UV  grenades from Blade II or the sunlight bullets from Underworld?  They've got nothing on the cure for vampirism in Daybreakers which is...

Spoiler

SUNLIGHT!  It turns out that if a vampire, when exposed to sunlight, did not go all the way and burst into flames, they would find his or her heart restarted and ready to rejoin the human race.  Seriously, it kind of makes you wonder if humans would become immortal if we shot ourselves through the brain.

End Spoiler

The real highlights are some truly inspired moments of gory violence that begin with Ethan Hawke injecting his prototype blood substitute into a willing (albeit a likely uninformed) volunteer.  Suffice it to say, the projectile vomiting and boils are the least of the lad's worries.

Another favorite can only be described as a moment of unparalleled YUPPIE RAGE!  As blood supplies grow ever more scarce, the amount of blood put in one’s evening coffee gets smaller and smaller. This does not sit well with one hungry, hungry customer who proceeds to screech like bat and destroy everything in sight.

I nearly cried laughing. If only there were more of these bright, shining moments of lunacy sandwiched between Ethan Hawke moodying up the scene.  Well, that and more Sam Neill.  We always need more Sam Neill.

Subspecies

I am not a fan of Twilight.

In fairness: I have neither read the book nor seen the movies.  However I have read many a synopsis and watched quite a few clips of the films,  and come to the conclusion that this tale of vampires trying to fit in high school and find love (sorta) is just not for me.  Note: I am not saying that it stinks or that it is deplorably horrid.  I am just not a fan of this version of the vampire story.  Mercifully, there are myriad of vampire tales for weirdos like you or me that Twilight fans would find absolutely dreadful.  One of my favorite of these sorts of vampire films is Full Moon Entertainment’s Subspecies.

The first installment of the Subspecies saga introduces the audience to three college students that are visiting Romania to study its local folklore and mythology in the small town of Prejmar.  Prejmar just happens to be infested with (you guessed it) Vampires!  Our lead college student, Michelle, becomes infatuated with local Romanian student, Stefan, who is pretty, awkward and chock full of inner turmoil…

Alright, I’ll spoil it for you: he’s a vampire.

You'd never have seen it coming...unless you've seen a movie before (or yes, read Twilight). Stefan has issues with dating a mortal woman-despite being the half-breed offspring of such a union- whereas Michelle's issues have more to do with Stefan’s older brother, Radu.

Portrayed by the Greenlander, Anders Hove-Radu Vladislas is the younger, hipper version of Count Orlok from the original Nosferatu complete with extended creepy fingers, pale skin, and freaky-high cheek bones.  What’s going to stay with you, though, is how Radu is perpetually drooling/bleeding from his mouth throughout not only this film but each of the 3 sequels.  It’s fascinating, he must be re-hydrating every second he’s not on camera! And while it would be easy to dismiss Radu as a mess of make up with a nice trenchcoat, but Hove imbues the Radu with great character and charm and becomes the real focal point of the series, especially as the sequels progress.

Acting as the foundation of the picture is the country of Romania itself.  Shot entirely on location in Bucharest, the film looks unlike any other vampire flick on the market.  Given the budget, the film should look cheap. But Bucharest and all of the native Bucharestians give the film a production value, and more important, an authenticity  that one does not often find in a low budget horror movie.  Or, it could be that I’m just an ignorant American.

Now I know you must assume that the title “Subspecies” refers to the vampires  but you would be wrong.  No, the subspecies (according to the back of the video box) are, in fact, Radu’s little minions that are grown from his amputated fingers.  Yes, you read that sentence correctly, and no, it does not make a lick of sense.  Please understand: Subspecies is produced by Full Moon Entertainment, so by contract there has to be some form of cute, little creature of darkness.  See: The Puppet MasterDemonic Toys , DollmanPrehysteria! , and Dangerous Worry Dolls.

And if none of the above is enough for you, there is always Angus “The Tall Man” Scrimm... wearing poodle hair as the King of Vampires!  Again, Yes, you read that right and no, it doesn’t make any sense.

Thirst

The mastermind behind the Vengeance Trilogy (Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy ,  and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance ) has brought us a movie that works so gradually into the world of schlock that we barely notice just how crazy the shit's gotten.

A deeply devoted Catholic priest just can't get enough suffering in his life even as he ministers to the dying patients at a local hospital. What to do? Volunteer for an experiment in which he's infected with an incurable disease! Catholicism is the same for a lot of people: Suffer needlessly for obscure reasons and... something... will happen.

In this case, the priest dies and comes back as a vampire. Wrapped up like the invisible man, word spreads that he's the sole survivor of this experiment, and he's asked to pray for all manner of people. One of them turns out to be a sniveling, snot-nosed old friend from childhood and his doe-eyed, quiet wife, who is secretly a jungle cat in the bedroom.

The movie is very slowly paced. By the time the priest even realizes he's a vampire, almost thirty minutes have gone by.  SEE? This is what happens when you shelter your kids (and they further shelter themselves by joining a religious order). They turn into members of the undead and have no idea, so they have to spend some time figuring it out. Turns out though, he still has the fatal disease, and drinking blood keeps it at bay.

Park makes this movie amazingly weird, with all sorts of funky narrative flourishes and sub textual conversations that are at times extremely funny or unsettling or both and at times it feels over long. There's at least six places I could think of where the movie could have ended but did not, and when it finally does you do breath a sigh of relief.

You could go a lot of ways with this, like a Korean Kavalcade (The Host) or Unconventional Vampires (Near Dark or The Hunger), and naturally, you should serving Bloody Marys.

Alien Blood

Ah, Troma. How have we not yet had one of your lovely cinematic gems grace our screens? How could we have gone so long without a film from the makers of The Toxic Avenger. How could we not get on our hands and knees and prostrate ourselves before the altar of those that brought forth the almighty Class of Nuke 'em High ?

Well, allow me to tell you, dear readers, that this oversight is about to be addressed. For on the Friday live-blog, we-the Cavalcade of Schlock army-shall take up arms, and march on the fields littered with Alien Blood (1999), a film actually produced by a company called West Coast Films, and distributed by Troma. WCFs only other credit on IMDB is a film from 1922. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that’s not the same West Coast Films, unless they only surface to produce a movie every 77 years, like some bizarre kind of production Cicada-creature. If that’s the case, then we should be safe until 2076. But let’s move on to the synopsis, shall we?

As pulled from Netflix:

An extraterrestrial mother determined to save her daughter and her unborn child seeks refuge in a house full of vampires in this offbeat blend of sci-fi and horror. Pursued through the English countryside by a band of assassins, pregnant Helene (Francesca Manning) and her daughter Monique (Rebecca Stirling) break into a mysterious house. Confronted by the bloodsucking residents, Helene goes on a gruesome killing spree to protect her offspring!

We’ve got ourselves Aliens, Unborn Alien Fetuses, and Vampires!

I don’t know whether to be wickedly excited, or terrified.

Please refresh the page to see the latest post in the live blog starting at 2pm EST
  • Alien Blood (1999). Starts off with some weird dream-pyro-screaming-thing.
  • Oooh…Ominous titles. “The Last Day of the Century”. Now onto one of the worst fight scenes I’ve ever seen.
  • Poor waiter, all he did was knock on a door. Did that really mean you had to kick him in the groin 5 times?
  • “Introducing: Rebecca Sterling” who according to IMDB, went on to do….absolutely nothing.
  • Huh, music’s nice. Got that Blade Runner vibe. Only cheaper.
  • Produced, Directed, Written, Executive produced, and catered by Jon Sorenson
  • Seriously, what’s up with all the sunglasses?
  • So far, 8 characters, 6 in sunglasses. What is this, The Matrix?
  • CSI, wearing sunglasses INSIDE, taking pictures. Right. Sure. Ok.
  • Wait, is she preggers? Or does she already have a kid? It keeps flipping back and forth. And why tai chi?
  • Ok, is this ENTIRE movie shot in slow mo? I mean, even John Woo doesn’t abuse the Slow Mo this much!
  • Yes. That is indeed a pretty vista to look at, Director. Or at least it WOULD BE IF YOU DIDN’T HIDE IT BEHIND A THICK RED FILTER!
  • Oh, he MUST be evil! He has TWO walky-talkies that make sonar pings!
  • Ok. Seriously, the entire movie is shot like a damn nature video with dolphins. All relaxing synths, slow-mo, and crossfades.
  • Sniper…using an Uzi? Yeah. Sure. Ok. Uh oh! she took off her glasses! AW YEEAAAH!
  • Now the little kid is gettin’ down! Some assasin you are. A 10 year old gave you a beatdown…and then got shot. Well THAT’S a downer.
  • What? Alien screaming? Is that supposed to be the blonde lady-What?
  • CG looks straight out of X-Com: UFO Defense.
  • We’re 20 minutes in, and finally have dialogue. Er..villain monologue, rather.
  • Ok. The fact that somebody a crewman sneezed in the middle of his monologue was pretty funny.
  • Random…juggler… in the middle of the swamp? WHAT?
  • Well, at least they shot him in the head. Serves him right for juggling in the woods.
  • Oh hey, naked lesbians in a farmhouse. Ok, sure. Why not?
  • And now we pause fo an entire scene shot in slow-motion of them dressing each other. Why is that, exactly?
  • and now people having incredibly fake sex in a bed, naked chick in a bathtub…and a doorbell.
  • And why are vampires biting each other for no reason? Don’t they feed off of humans?
  • Ok Dude. You’re having sex with her BELLY BUTTON! Aim lower!
  • And now we pause for a random bagpiper scene.
  • Well then we shoot the bagpiper. Serves him right. Playing bagpipes in the woods and all.
  • I wonder why no one ever told these people that an UZI is not a SNIPER RIFLE.
  • And now they’re all hissing at each other, to what? Say “Hi”?
  • So Dracula is a pudgy english horndog? Ok. Sure.
  • And the only attractive woman in the entire picture is sitting naked in a bathtub rearranging candles.
  • We have Aliens, Vampires, Psychics, and soldiers with Uzi Sniper Rifles. Just wanted to take a tally.
  • Seriously, somebody should have given the crew on the film Anti-histamines. Somebody off camera keeps sneezing.
  • And why is there an ominus thrum around Dracula’s wife? It kind of follows her around.
  • aaaannd the psychic is still in the bathtub….dreaming of aliens.
  • This girl got thrown down, they cut away to another room, cut back, and she got thrown down again. Bad editing…
  • You know what? Dialogue doesn’t make this any less confusing and stupid.
  • Beware armed pregnant alien mommas. They shoot first, ask for help later.
  • And hey, the vampire just peed himself.
  • Halfway through the movie! Woot! The endurance challenge continues!Wait, she speaks english? Then why was she speaking french? She’s asking for help in the wrong language on purpose?
  • All kidding aside, if they shot the movie at normal speed it would be over by now.
  • At least the psychic had time to change outfits in the middle of a FIREFIGHT.
  • 24 whole minutes left to go…
  • Lesbian Vampires with Uzis!
  • I’m starting to think that the sneeze is a sound effect. But it occurs so randomly!
  • Wait, the kid can cause seizures in the bad guys? And he waits until NOW to do this?
  • Wait…he can MELT people by looking at them? Why the hell do they need protection again?
  • And for vampires, they are awfully fragile….what the shit? Spaceship!
  • Um miss? It’s a fully-automatic weapon, you don’t need to keep squeezing the trigger.
  • Wow, the psychic JUST figured out these are aliens. She’s a quick one, she is.
  • And to pad the movie even further, let’s keep recycling footage!
  • Wait, I thought the bagpiper was dead?
  • Dear god this movie is f-ing confusing. And bad. Never forget bad.
  • What??? Where’d the baby come from?
  • And the vampires can go out into the Sun? How are they even VAMPIRES?
  • I don’t even know what I just watched. I need to…yeah. My mind feels violated.

Bloodrayne

In another live-stream twitter event, I decided to move up a few tiers in budget and name recognition, mostly to scrub the filth we've sat through the last two weeks out of our skull (my skull's still ringing from The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai). Instead we're going to go for a B movie that actually saw some screentime state-side.

Bloodrayne is based (albiet, loosely) on the video game of the same name.  It's main protagonist is a Half-Vampire/Half-Human on a quest to find her Vampire father and seek bloody vengeance against him. During the course of the video game, she takes out Nazi's, monsters, and other vamps while working for the Brimstone society, a secret organization that fights the forces of darkness.  Think Blade, but with more boobs...and Nazis.

But this is all beside the point. This is a Uwe Boll flick! Silly things like "story", "plotting", or any semblance of adhereing to the licensed property go out the window when dealing this German-born directoral equivalent of Ed Wood's used underwear. This man has made a career out of destroying video game properties. The worst part is that a lot of the properties he destroys could have decent movies made about them, like Alone in the DarkHouse of the Dead, and yes-Bloodrayne.  Granted, Hollywood's not exactly faring much better. Look at Doom. But to borrow a phrase from the Godfather, it's not-fer-nothin' that the three Uwe movies I just mentioned are all consistently listed on the IMDB Bottom 100.

Finally, the film stars Kristanna Loken and Ben Kingsley: or the T-X from Terminator 3 and Ghandi respectively. While I get why Michael Madsen and Billy Zane appeared in the movie (they seem to just say "yes" to everything), at the time this movie came out, KL's star was on the rise. Granted, it never really went anywhere, but still.  As far as Sir Kingsley, he's a knight for goddsakes! Lord knows, he only needs to work when he wants to, so I have no idea why he agreed to appear. Maybe it looked better on paper?

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, we are minutes away from starting Bloodrayne.
  • First ominous sign: “A Uwe Boll Film”
  • Meatloaf’s in this too! Now my day’s complete!
  • Well, it’s already better than The Source. It has tracking shots without camera shadows.
  • Aww…Michael Madsen with a long-haired ringlet do. He’s fallen so far from Reservoir Dogs
  • Woop. There goes the sheep! Hey, a movie that kills a sheep in the first 5 minutes can’t be all bad, can it?
  • Why is the Camera making “swooshing” noises when it moves?
  • Wait? What? She escaped from her cage? How? When?
  • Ok. Mental note. You keep a superhuman, vampiric creature prisoner, and you try to Rape her? Not only is that vile, it’s stupid!
  • I mean, if she’s capable of ripping your arm off with her bare hands, do you think it might be a good idea to keep bars between you?
  • Yup, it’s a sword and sorcery flick. Here come the Mullets!
  • People just stand around when strangers come to town and start beheading corpses? Rough neighborhood.
  • Then they kill innocent civilians and set them on fire? MY KIND OF HEROES!
  • Yay! Billy Zane in a “special appearance”! Also known as a REALLY bad Wig!
  • Uh oh…he got holes in his neck. That can’t be good.
  • Wow. That’s SOME fight choreography. in the way, of..you know, BAD. But hey, she talks!
  • I like it when the person can be seen to be CAREFULLY placing the blade at the right point in someone’s chin.
  • Ooooh, lesbian vamp action…TWICE!
  • Wait, she can REMEMBER HER CONCEPTION????
  • You know, I’ve been watching some seriously bad movies…This movie is almost professionally made by comparison.
  • I’m gonna guess that it’s a BAD thing when the preternaturally strong woman keeps hearing voices.
  • You know, this movie is really calling to attention the fact that the weapons of Bloodrayne are really impractical
  • As is the outfit….
  • Why yes, LET’S just go wandering into the room guarded by the ugly troll. It can’t POSSIBLY be a trap!
  • Wait? Her weakness is just plain water??? And why does it burn through clothes?
  • Um… looks like you lost a contact, there.
  • It must really suck for her when it rains.
  • Wait, your order was guarding it for centuries? With 1 dude, and a booby-trapped room? Against freaking MONSTERS?
  • Oh hey, I just noticed that she’s trying for an English accent. How cute!
  • So all vamps are susceptible to rain. Wow. Worst. Weakness. Ever.
  • Watching Michael Madsen with a sword is about the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.
  • So, she has these tonfa sword-knife-thingies, and is instantly able to fight with them better than a master swordsman?
  • Uwe is distracting us from the movie with cleavage shots of Michelle Rodriguez without a bra. Smartest thing he’s done thus far.
  • Wait? Vamps can go out in daylight? But are afraid of WATER? UWE, WHAT?
  • Oh hey, Meatloaf with a bunch of Naked chicks. Movie’s looking up…
  • Worst. Guards. Ever. Let the vampire hunters walk on by!
  • Ok. Worst Vampires Ever! They just let the hunters right on by too!
  • You have a sword, but punch him in the face? WHAT KIND OF VAMPIRE HUNTER ARE YOU?
  • Hey, Mister Vampire Man, do you think it might have been a bad idea to design your secret lair with stained glass windows all around?
  • Wait, you said he raped and murdered your mother right in front of you. Then you flashed back to the event, he just killed her.
  • I’m not saying I wanted to see the assault. Far from it. But…He didn’t rape anybody. Hate the dude for what he did, you know?
  • Oh hey, Michelle Rodriguez is trying for an English accent too. Why is it only the women are trying for it?
  • Um…Uwe, wouldn’t it have made more sense to show the training montage, you know, BEFORE she was whuppin’ ass with the weapons?
  • Uh oh…the movie’s pausing for character beats. They’re now trying to 1-up each other over childhood tragedies. Not a good way to start a relationship.
  • Random sex time! They talk about their parents dying and it makes them HORNY???
  • I mean, bodice ripping, humpy-pumping, and all that is good and all..but…
  • I like how they keep cutting back to Kagen, being all menacing…by not moving from his throne at all
  • Those are the dullest swords I’ve ever seen! They have rounded edges!
  • Ok. Billy Zane is awesome in the fact that he’s just havin’ a good time.
  • Wait! I thought Vamps couldn’t cross water?
  • And if vamps are all weak against water, why do you need to have HOLY water at all?
  • uh oh, she’s hearin’ voices again!
  • Wait, you can hear the heart…and it sounds like…voices???
  • Wait, the “unfindable lost relic” was in their freakin’ BASEMENT???
  • For a secret society, they’re pretty dumb.
  • Uwe’s got some fetish issues to work through. He surely digs the lesbian vampire action…
  • Is it me, or are all the varied dungeons in this movie exactly the same?
  • I guess once you’ve seen one dungeon, you’ve seen them all
  • You know, breaking into an impenetrable fortress through the front door. Not the smartest plan.
  • Ok. This movie really falls apart the second people open their mouths. If nobody spoke, it might not suck as much.
  • Wow, Sir Ben, you are bored stiff, aren’t you?
  • Ok, the hero getting all out of breath climbing the stairs. Funny. Specially since it was just Madsen being out of shape.
  • Wait, if the heart wasn’t in the box, why was it talking to people???
  • Oh hey, they do have black vampires! One ran in to have its head cut off!
  • Grabbing your own sword by the blade in order to use it….not. Smart.
  • She REALLY should stop getting stabbed in the stomach.
  • Mental note: Don’t befriend Rayne. It means death.
  • Oh damn…they’re “Acting” again.
  • Wait, she was stabbed, but it didn’t cut the clothes?
  • And uh…what’s with the throne?
  • They’re really gonna go all Conan the Barbarian? REALLY?
  • Heh, the montage sequence is very clearly showing how inconsistent they were with her hair color during the movie.
  • And uh…she’s remembering things that didn’t actually happen during the movie.
  • Is this flashback sequence really going to go through the entire movie again? Why, yes!
  • Well…THAT made no sense.
  • But it’s over. So thanks for joining us for the screening of Bloodrayne. I’m going to find a stiff drink now.