Resident Evil: Extinction

When one gets to the third film of what could be a horror/sci-fi trilogy, certain gimmicks have to be introduced.  These include but are not limited to: the end of the world (the risk of or the actual), deserts or cute critters of some sort.  Not to be outdone, director Russell Mulcahy chocks Resident Evil: Extinction with all three!

The world is good and properly screwed by this third installment and Alice (Milla Jovovich) has taken up Leonard Smalls’ (Randall “Tex” Cobb in Raising Arizona (1987)) mantle as “the lone biker of the apocalypse.”  Hiding from the evil Umbrella Corporation for fear of their turning her into a weapon, hiding from her friends for fear that they will be used against her by Umbrella and hiding from the hordes of zombies, because, well, they smell bad, Alice is wandering around directionless.  Much like this movie.

It’s difficult to determine whether or not the lack of direction helps or hurts this movie.  If it were on purpose, Mulcahy may have been showing through the film the terror and nothingness that awaits us poor survivors of the zombie apocalypse: a life of scrounging for food and praying that there will be a point to any of it.  On the other hand, if it were not on purpose, it just goes to show that the filmmakers had no idea what to do with this installment and said “Screw it, put ‘em in the desert and release the crows!”  I go back and forth.

Don’t misunderstand, Extinction has a lot going for it, not the least of which is the sexiest pile of corpses I’ve ever seen. (Yeah, I said it.  Find a cuter corpse pit and we’ll talk.)  Building off the ending of Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), Alice has gone full-Tetsuo (Akira 1988).  These powers come in hand when Claire Redfield’s (Ali Larter) convoy of survivors is attacked by a murder of zombie crows.  That’s right, zombie crows.  In one of the most metal moments in film history, Alice destroys them using her brain and fire.

Also, helping the film are above average zombie make-up and a heaping helping of Day of the Dead (1985) references.  After five years, the zombies are looking a little worse for wear and the effects team did a wonderful job of showing that decomposing flesh and the sun do not mix.  Meanwhile, Dr. Isaacs (Iain Glen) works in an underground Umbrella facility with the foolish notion of domesticating the zombies into a viable workforce.  Care to guess how that goes?

Like most third films, Extinction does not stand well on its own.  However, within the series, it is not a bad installment and sets up a great ending that does actually continue into the fourth installment.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

In order to make a good horror movie sequel, the filmmakers must abide certain rules and conventions.  None of which are more important than the underlying rule: More.  And with More comes the equally important: Bigger.   Happily, for action/horror junkies like myself, Alexander Witt understood these rules and delivered the wonderfully over-the-top Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Picking up from before the previous installment left off, Witt shows the audience how the Umbrella Corporation’s T-Virus spread and devastated Raccoon City leading up to Resident Evil’s (2002) climactic cliffhanger.  Joining (the finally named onscreen) Alice (Milla Jovovich) are a motley crew of actors that continue the first film’s tradition of English people pretending to be American including Sienna Guillory doing a disturbingly-accurate Jill Valentine impression, Oded Fehr being the man, Thomas Kretschman from the five year period in which he was the ONLY working creepy German in film, and Zach Ward playing a Russian…  Riiiiiight.

Their mission, should they choose to accept it, is to rescue Umbrella scientist, Charles Ashford’s (Jared Harris) daughter from the quarantined Raccoon City, kill as many zombies as possible in the process, evade and/or stop Nemesis, a monosyllabic hulking monster who uses a minigun but only when he’s tired of using his rocket launcher, and, just so things are not too easy, escape an impending nuclear missile strike.

Witt and screenwriter/producer Paul W.S. Anderson like to pack as much as humanly possible into a sequel.  Luckily, they have more money to do so than the first film and they waste not one penny.  Right from the beginning, the scale of this sequel dwarfs the first film by focusing on an entire town, using primarily exterior shots to contrast the claustrophobic Hive, and inundates the audience with large action sequences.  Within the first eleven minutes, we get car crashes, zombie executions and delightfully ridiculous helicopter stunts.

And all that’s before Alice destroys three Licker monsters in a church with a motorcycle, bullets and sheer badassery.  Upping the ante from merely being tough, Alice now officially has superpowers!  You see the T-Virus, which at least kills everything and at most turns every human it infects into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength, simply made Alice hotter, better, faster, and stronger.  One could cry foul but this clearly falls under the “ What’s Good for the Goose is not Good for the Main Character” clause of science fiction/horror writing.

Aside from the larger scale of the film, Resident Evil: Apocalypse exceeds as a sequel for its greater sense of fun, for lack of a better word.  Resident Evil was a very “serious” movie.  Apocalypse on the other hand cannot take itself too seriously if only because at different points Alice runs down a building with no thought to gravity and feels conflicted about destroying a her friend who has now mutated into a horrible creature.  It’s silly and Witt embraces this aspect by giving us gallows humor, creepy zombie children eating a grown woman, Grand Theft Auto references, and, because you’ve been good little boys and girls, Zombie Strippers.

Dead Snow

Young filmmakers have the burden of trying to create something new in the wake of more than 50 years worth of film.  One could argue that this is even more difficult when applied to the horror genre as one would think there could only be so many ways to dispatch your cast in interesting ways.  However, despite this burden, filmmakers like Norway’s Tommy Wirkola should not overtly list the films inspired his Dod Sno (Dead Snow) (like Friday the 13th (1980) and Evil Dead (1983))within the first 20 minutes for fear of not living up to the standard.  Luckily for the audience, after a rocky start, Wirkola does just that.

Six Norwegian medical students have traveled to a small cabin in mountains near Oksfjord (they don’t have woods in Norway) to relax, drink, play twister and engage in snowmobile-related shenanigans.  Everything goes swimmingly until a local camper relates the terrible history of the area during World War II.  Apparently, the local people were subjugated by the Nazis (shocking, I know) for three years and at the end of the war mustered the courage to chase the Nazis out of their village and into the mountains where they met an unknown end.  Our six students find out what happened to the Nazis the very next day when they are attacked by, you guessed it, Nazi Zombies!

Let’s take a moment and bask in the warm glow of such an incredible horror movie idea: NAZI ZOMBIES!  Gentle readers, we must admit certain truths about ourselves as a movie-going audience.  We love watching Nazis get brutally destroyed.  We love watching zombies get decapitated and dismembered as much if not more than the Nazis.  In Dod Sno, Wirkola has given us the horror movie equivalent of Reese’s Peanut Buttercups:  Two great tastes that taste great together!

Now, our six Norwegian medical students are essentially interchangeable.  They’re similar to the teens we’ve come to know and enjoy in most slasher films.  What separates them, however, is that each one is more hardcore than the last.  We’re talking “stitch up your own neck bite with no mirror and fishing line” hardcore.  Without revealing the manner in which they are dispatched, I will say that the will to win is strong in all of them:  if they’re going down, they’re taking as many Nazi Zombies as they can down with them.  And there are oh so many Nazi Zombies.

Gore-wise there is more than enough to satisfy.  The only problem is getting to it.  The first half of the film goes on entirely too long and alternates between being an advertisement for the Norwegian tourism bureau and an Ace of Base video.  (Yes, Ace of Base is Swedish but you get my point!)  Once the gore begins, it dominates the second half of the film with excellent use of bayonets, snowmobiles, chainsaws, lower intestines, grenades, molotov cocktails, and communism.   And just when you think you’ve seen everything, Wirkola escalates the situation.

What’s worse than Nazi Zombies?

SS Zombies

Resident Evil

Remember the days before Alien vs. Predator (2004) premiered in theaters?  You know, the days when it was not a requirement to hate Paul W.S. Anderson; but rather, a life choice similar in gravity to deciding one’s career, underwear preference and toilet paper roll position.  Once again, we here at the Cavalcade of Schlock ask you to journey with us back to simpler times when all we knew from Anderson was the terrifying Event Horizon (1997) and the greatest Enter the Dragon (1973) remake, Mortal Kombat (1996) and take a look at the first installment of the Resident Evil series.

Milla Jovovich stars as the aptly unnamed, amnesiac protagonist, an employee of the evil Umbrella Corporation (Traveler’s Insurance, I’m looking at you!), the world’s leading developer for all things technological, pharmaceutical and Frankensteinian.  Jovovich is a security operative stuck dealing with hordes of zombies after a botched theft of Umbrella’s T-Virus and an artificial intelligence-controlled security system kill everyone in Umbrella’s underground lab.  Luckily, Jovovich is not alone.  Joining her amidst an assortment of cookie-cutter paramilitary types are the always-annoying Michelle Rodriguez and the always under-used Colin Salmon.

Anderson does an excellent job of getting the action started early and maintaining that momentum throughout the course of the film.  (Also, starting with a semi-nude Jovovich doesn’t hurt.)  However, Anderson is hindered by a low-budget.  Get ready for a lot of shots that either look like the interior of every office building in which you have ever worked or else some unidentifiable void.  What should be atmospheric and/or a creepy technological installation comes across at best Syfy Saturday fodder and at worst an Uwe Boll film.  Compare this with Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis (2005) and tell me if there’s much of a difference.

While the action is fairly non-stop, the bulk of the action is based around classics of  video game logic: the “go here to get something over there working,”  the “find the artifact,” and the old standby “OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU DIE?”  Adding to the video-game-en-scène are a heavily techno-inspired Marilyn Manson soundtrack, awkward/fixed camera angles, random piano blares, and frequent looks at the “map screen.”  While these may seem like detractors, I found these homages enriched the film if only because Anderson did not randomly inject actual screen shots of the game into the film like other German-directed video game films (House of the Dead (2003))

My only real complaint is that 90% of the film is not scary.  If you have seen any zombie movie before, you’ve seen all the scares, jumps, and pop outs in this film.

[SPOILER] However, the ending sequence from the exit of the Hive to the final shot are truly scary.  If only because the sequence pops out of nowhere and tonally feels like nothing else in the film. [END SPOILER]

But, if you’re looking for a soild horror/action film, you could do worse than join the world's skinniest action star for 90 minutes of zombie ass-kicking.  That and the end shot is absolute gold.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Picture this: You’re a Disney movie executive sitting behind your huge desk, just trying to finish up the last couple of meetings for the day before tee time and some guy comes in. He pitches you an idea about doing a movie based off of one of the many Disney park rides. Think about the bump in attendance that the parks would get as a result of the movie’s success! It sounds brilliant and unprecedented! Why not give it a shot? It’d at least get the guy to go away.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the made-for-TV classic Disney’s Tower of Terror. It starred Steve Guttenburg and Kirsten Dunst. No, you probably didn’t see it. You should be glad you didn’t. I did.

Fortunately, it was forgettable stepping stones like that which bring us past the other ride-to-movie crap Disney did (Mission to MarsThe Country Bears, and The Haunted Mansion) and straight to Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. To be honest, The Haunted Mansion was released a few months after Pirates, but we’re not going to talk about that movie. It’s better that way.

The prologue happens. There’s a little Elizabeth, a gruff sailor (Kevin McNally), little girl’s dad (Jonathan Pryce), and Captain Stick-Up-His-Ass Norrington (Jack Davenport). They encounter a burned ship and little Will Turner with a mysterious coin around his neck. The girl promises to take care of the boy and then promptly steals his coin once he passes out. Apparently, taking care of someone involves the theft of their valuables. Good to know!

Theoretically, the main plot of the movie is centered around the romance between the prologue's girl and the boy. Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), is now a lovely young lady and daughter of the island’s governor and Will (Orlando Bloom), is now an enterprising young man who’s apprenticed to a drunken blacksmith. Sure, it’s a cute story. Boy from the wrong side of the tracks in love with a rich girl who’s also got newly-promoted Commodore Stick-Up-His-Ass Norrington chasing her tail.

In reality, though, it’s all about the two scene-stealing pirates: Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) and his former mutinous first mate Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). After his grand entrance, the audience finds out that Jack is currently shipless and looking for a replacement. Barbossa, on the other hand, has Jack’s former ship and a nasty case of semi-undead from coming into contact with cursed gold and loose women.

Remember that coin Elizabeth stole? Yep. It was cursed. The coin gets rubbed the wrong way and summons the pirates to bring on the plot. There’s swash to be buckled, ships to be acquired, curses to break, and adventure to be had. Though not a work of cinematic greatness, it’s a great deal of fun to watch. For the record, this movie spawned the new pirate renaissance and inspired the swagger of many a would-be pirate captain. It may also be the reason why the rum is gone.

Haunted World of El Superbeasto, The

If you’ve seen any of Rob Zombie’s films and music videos, you have a good idea of what Zombie enjoys: violence, cars, the 70s, wrestling, monsters, and tits....Not necessarily in that order, mind you.  So, it should come as no surprise that when Zombie decided to make a feature length cartoon titled The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, it would have all of those things.  But, you know, in cartoon form.

Based on the comic book of the same name (which I own…SHAME!), El Superbeasto (Tom Papa) is a luchador (Mexican wrestler)/celebrity who only wants a nice plate of buffalo wings and the sweet, sweet ass of Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson).  Unfortunately, Von Black is the key to Dr. Satan’s (Paul Giamatti) plan to obtain world domination through the “sudsy powers” of HELL!  So, ‘Beasto recruits the help of his sister/international super spy Suzi X (she’s hot, she’s blonde, AND she has a squeaky voice. You guessed it: Sheri Moon Zombie).  What follows can only be described as "madcap", “For Mature Audiences Only,” and … "gooey".

Part of what makes this film a lot of fun is that it’s done in the style of the old Looney Tunes.  There’s an extended title sequence featuring single frames of art behind the titles and cast.  There are multiple cameos of horror film icons like Jack Torrance, Michael Myers, The Devils Rejects crew, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon among others in the same fashion of celebrity cameos in old Bugs Bunny and Tiny Toons cartoons.

And what was missing from those old Warner Bros. cartoons?  Gratuitous female nudity!  The film is strange because it’s not presented like an adult Japanese animated film, or even a Ralph Bakshi film.  It’s not presented as a pornographic film.  It’s a silly Scooby Doo-esque cartoon with full frontal nudity and butt hair...Lots of butt hair.

Providing music and a running commentary throughout the entire film is Chris Hardwick’s comedy band, Hard ‘n Phirm.  The songs elevate the film in that they make fun of it, including an extended indictment of a parody of the prom scene in Carrie (1976) .

Zombie’s animated epic runs only about 80 minutes but, oddly, it’s a long 80 minutes.  There are long stretches where jokes do not hit, and sight gags are few and far between.  However, if you liked Ren & Stimpy, you’re probably going to enjoy the trip into the “Haunted World.”

Oh, and if nothing else, there’s also a million Nazi zombies.

Dead Heat

How do you fight undead robbers?  With undead cops, of course!

Treat Williams plays L.A. police detective Roger Mortis (No, really, that’s his name) with partner Doug Bigelow (Joe Piscopo!) as they investigate why they can’t seem to kill the bad guys as effectively as they used to.  These investigations lead them to Dante Laboratories, which has developed a process for resurrecting the dead for twelve hours.  After a losing fight with the fattest zombie this side of Zombieland, Mortis is killed.  But, then brought back to life by his coroner ex-girlfriend (Clare Kirkconnell) and the most user-friendly resurrection machine ever.  Now, Mortis has twelve hours to solve the case and avenge his own death in a Hawaiian shirt.

Written by Terry Black , Shane’s brother, Dead Heat has a similar action/comedy feel to his brother's Lethal Weapon, but with zombies.  And such zombies they are!  The opening jewelry store heist features two punk zombie robbers wearing BDSM leather masks!  (Their safe word is “Braaaaaaiiiiinnnnnssssss.”)

But this is nothing compared to the undead hijinks that occur at a Chinese restaurant.  You know all the dead ducks that are hanging in the window?  Or the pigs?  Or the sides of beef?  Yeah.  Good times.  Wait, no, I mean gross times.  Very, very gross.  How do you kill zombie animals with no heads?

Throughout, Williams grounds the whole movie with the ability to take anything that is thrown at him seriously.  The man is not phased by anything.  This is a valuable skill when Joe Piscopo (with an 80s mullet) is delivering some of the best wise-ass remarks in the history of motion pictures.  Watching this film, it’s hard to understand why Piscopo did not fare better in Hollywood.  The man is a scream.  Especially during an exchange with Williams that shows the deep, profundity of cross-dressing jokes between two partners.  Police partners, I mean.  Heterosexual police partners, I mean.  You get the idea.

Added into the mix are performances by the always entertaining Vincent Price(!), Darren McGavin, Keye Luke , and Robert Picardo.  These appearances are almost cameos but they’re all memorable.

In fairness, the movie does play more like it was made for TV, as opposed to a big budget feature but I think this adds to its charm.  Similar to Creepshow .  Dead Heat is a great little horror flick to enjoy on a Saturday afternoon.

Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis

The title alone should clue you in. This movie knows exactly what it is, and has no shame about it.

It all starts with an outbreak of the Zombie plague in Africa, and cockroach from there makes its merry way to Thailand,  finally biting a Caucasian business man. We take a break from these shenanigans to look in on some totally different shenanigans involving kidnapping, where several thugs take a page out of the Warner Bros. cartoon playbook to nab some rich guy's daughter who, as it turns out, is quite the kicker of ass herself.

Said rich guy-in turn-hires the local warrior mercenary ninja, Master Thep (Suthep Po-ngam), to retrieve his daughter. He, being a master of management as well as the way of the ninja, delegates the task to our hero, Khun Krabii (Supakorn Kitsuwon). Khun, using the secret arts of ninja blacksmiths, hammers a wok into some armor and gets on with it.

Meanwhile, the Caucasian Zombie is spreading the plague.

Krabii goes to the local dance club...because, oh who the hell cares? Like every dance club in movies, it's way cooler than any dance club you can ever hope go to in real life.

Meanwhile, the Caucasian Zombie continues to spread the plague.

The movie goes on like this, with the characters cracking more jokes than the audience can. Then the outbreak hits the dance club and it gets exponential, following the accepted statistical paradigms of a zombie invasion. The Thai military shows up, isolates the outbreak to the condominium/dance club, and then promptly gets eaten faster than a Krispy Kreme doughnut at a Weight Watchers convention.

Master Thep hears of this nonsense and gets into his zombie fighting gear, which includes a battery-powered laser sword (no seriously, it's powered by D Batteries!), hauling master ninja ass to the scene.

What's completely great about this movie is that, despite the heavy doses of gore and violence, it has a very light tone.  It pokes fun at everyone and everything: Zombie movies, the Thai government, Gangsters, Kung-fu movies, Transsexuals (Hey, it's Thailand), and even those terrible Asian pop-songs they always seem to play at Pho restaurants.

This alone would make the movie worthy of a Cavalcade,  but the silly special effects and cartoonish characters send it right over the top into the rarified category of Wild Zero and Godzilla: Final Wars. Combine this with another Cavalcade favorite, Bio Zombie, and you recipe for a great Asian Zombie night.

Wild Zero

The members of Wild Zero are the Ramones of Japan, however they also have the divine calling to kill zombies with a thick gooey coating of Japan's Rock and Roll Spirit. This movie is just that goddamn awesome. As such, we've decided to resurrect one of our dead features, the live stream event, and rock it out-jingle style-on this Christmas evening. However, as opposed to just having one of us here tonigh, we've got a full cast of characters who are going to be offering input across the twitter-verse

(Oh. Yeah. Keep your eyes peeled for the Japanese Steve Buscemi)

Standard rules apply here, everything here is something shouted out during the course of the movie. By the way, it had its own drinking game, so things became kind of incoherent near the end as all the participants started slurring their words a bit. The lines in quotes are actually taken straight from the film. So don't blame us.


  • Why are all Asian zombies blue?
  • SPACE!
  • Japanese Rockabilly hair combing!
  • We should mention that Wild Zero ships with its own drinking game as a special feature
  • "There's a wallet on my ass with a rock and roll license!"
  • Did we REALLY need the POV shot of him peeing in the urinal? SQUEEEEZE it out, SON!
  • Seriously, how many f***ing times do you need to comb your hair in a day?
  • What's with those shorts. . oh, that's a woman.
  • Why. Does. his. underwear. tie. up. on. the side? And did the actor REALLY have to have an erection during the ENTIRE scene?
  • Because cocaine in the milk is like a protein shake?
  • And...uh...why is that zombie holding sandals?
  • Big. Giant. Hearts? on the screen? WHAT?
  • Stick your penis in it, the zombies go away.
  • That tiny bike says his penis is at LEAST a full pinky length in size. No overcompensating there!
  • never. Ever. Faint in front of the zombies.
  • The zombies are going to east Asian Moby! We won't hear it though, because his shirt is too goddamned loud.
  • Mop against zombies= WIN
  • At some angles she looks like a man, at other angles she's a very cute girl? Winona Ryder?
  • Why do zombies go straight for the panties?
  • Naked Marksmanship FTW!
  • Who has fire shooting out of their MICROPHONE?
  • They've wandered into some sort of building and um. . . SHE IS A MAN!
  • It's the crying game all over again!!! AGGGHHHH! *Runs away to the bathroom*
  • Atheism Limit Break CROWBAR ENGAGE!!!
  • God, Guitar Wolf is like this sexy Terminator-alien-thing-man-beast. . .
  • That gun's not a penis. No. Not at all.
  • His package has luster. Billy Mays here for the package buffer. . . Giggity.
  • Every time they fucking back-fist Asian Steve Buscemi, take a drink.
  • Why are they naked . . . and blue. . . and wearing. . .cod. . pieces?
  • They've just found ALL the guns. . .
  • charred barring hips. . . . . . charles brawlin' herps. . . charlz broilin hips. . . she's got 'em. . .
  • Ok. Higgins is apparently tweeting everything I'm failing to say during the drinking game.
  • Guitar Wolf has got so much rock n' roll he can kill zombies just with Guitar Picks. . .LIGHTNING GUITAR PICKS!
  • Let's do a bunch of drugs and kill some zombies. Yep, sure. That's what I'd do.
  • He still has an erection. . .
  • Gosh he is cute. Wait. That's not right. . .
  • Nipple twist! Tune in Toyko!
  • Oh, that's right, because he's a wolf. He's a Guitar Wolf. STILL A MAN!!!
  • He took off the wig and he's EVEN GAYER, how does that work?!
  • Well, If this going to be that kind of party, I'm gonna to stick my dick in the mash potatoes.
  • "I swear by my leather jacket, and by rock n' roll, I swear, I love you."
  • "Courage and Rock n' Roll, that's what he taught me that night."
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, this concludes this mass of the Church of the Cavalcade, we thank for your attendance and my penis is not that big.
  • The previous is what happens when you leave the twitter window open for random people to type. BAD Christmas guests! BAD!

Boy Eats Girl

After a month-long hiatus, we’ve decided to do another live stream event this afternoon, featuring the irish Zombie Horror/Teen Comedy Boy Eats Girl! Here’s the synopsis from NetflixResurrected by his mother after a tragic accident, 17-year-old Nathan (David Leon) awakens with a taste for human flesh. Next thing you know, a run-in with a school bully (Mark Huberman) sets off events that spread Nathan's "condition" all over town. Meanwhile, the undead Nathan tries to curb his appetite for his dream girl (Samantha Mumba) in this tongue-in-cheek zombie romp [...]. Here's a transcript of our Live Blog:

  • far 5 different production houses were involved in the making of this picture.
  • Church Lady. Do you NOT think it might be a bad Idea to go back into the creepy room with the snake guarding it? Maybe?
  • While we're at it...why DOES this church have creepy zombie crypt, anyway?
  • Fun fact: This movie was the first non-pornographic movie for some years to be banned by the Irish Film Classification Office.
  • Nathan likes the girl, Girl's dad doesn't dig Nathan. I say: Eat him.
  • Seriously, what school has a random kickboxing gym?
  • "How does being Irish make you feel?" -"Suicidal." ooookay. Cheerful kid!
  • Cool school. Random oral sex in cars.
  • "I couldn't go because I was home, sick with Bulemia."
  • We've established the whole "Teen comedy" aspect. I want zombies.
  • Wait. You KNOW her dad hates you, so you call her HOUSE instead of her phone who's number you already HAVE?
  • Mechanics of the script are busy forcing the different players along. And seriously dude, it's your own BEDROOM, and you keep hitting your head on the damn wall?
  • Playing drunkenly with a noose can only end badly...
  • Especially when mom comes in, knocks you off the stool accidentally, and...yep.
  • Oh, it was only a dream! Sure! Mom didn't raise you from the dead! No, not at all!
  • Um Father? Why DO you keep a "book of Pagan Trickery" in your crypt? Just askin'...
  • Calling the girl you like a "slut" is not really the best idea, just sayin'
  • Oh, wait. Now I'm invulnerable and have weird veiny things...Sure, it was all a dream.
  • Attacking the flesh-craving undead thing with your fists, probably not the smartest move either.
  • ...Hence the bite, Genius.
  • "Nothing happened at the dance, mom. I totally didn't eat that bully at school!"
  • Other bits of advice: never say "spit it out, son" to a zombie. Oh, he ate the DOG! I LOVE this movie!
  • "Hey son, sorry about the fact that I brought you back as a flesh-eating zombie. My bad."- You know, he took that news in stride fairly well.
  • Ok, evil Dad is hitting on the other teenage girls. Creeeeepy. He totally neeeds to be kil...oh, there he goes!
  • It's a personal philosophy that I never go checkin on the squishy noises behind the counter at a video store.
  • EW...Zombie BJ! MESSY!
  • You know, the zombie bits in this movie are pretty damn good! Yay for priest eating somebody in the confessional!
  • "So uh, Nathan, what's it like bein' dead?" heh heh.
  • I love the fact that these guys biggest concern with not being a zombie is that they can't get an erection.
  • This just in, Voodoo snake-bite cures zombie infection! Send a note to Johnson & Johnson!
  • Awesome! Death by high-heeled shoe!
  • Best zombie weapon. EVER. Backhoe and mulcher in one!
  • Runing, punching, wrestling, flesh-eating, raging zombies! And only slightly gory. I mean he RIPPED the goddamn head off with his bare hands
  • All we need now is a flaming zombie (he said hopefully!)
  • Before we fade to credits here....weren't there OTHER people in town that were bitten?
  • I guess not.
  • As the credits roll, we discover the magic snake's name was "Buffy"...and was a dude. 'kay.