Fallen Ones, The

Let's start this off with a simple statement, so you understand where I'm coming from: I honestly don't know how the other critics do it. By "it" of course, I mean write about movies they hate.

My thoughts are if a movie is so chock full of suck that you are driven to drink in order to forget the terrible memory of what you've just forced yourself to sit through, the last thing you want to do is sit down and write 500 words about it, right?

Before the Cable nets got all uppity and started making original television shows that were better than what the broadcast networks were doing, they were the haven of television reruns, infomercials, and late-night movie marathons. TNT in particular, before they knew drama, were intimately familiar with B-grade splatterhouse schlock.  Of particular note was a Saturday night show called Monstervision that started in the early 90's and ended in 2000. Every episode the host of the show, Jo Bob Briggs, would enthusiastically talk about the movie we were about to see together-frequently throwing in bits of trivia about the cast, crew, or the making of the film. This guy loved these movies no matter how bad they were, and his excitement was seriously infectious. The best part of his reviews though, were his lists, where everything ended in "FU". An example of his breakdown style, for Vampire Cop (1990):

The special effects consist of about ten seconds of a drug dealer's face turning into Silly Putty and getting fried off in the sun. My kind of promotion!

  • Twelve breasts.
  • Twelve dead bodies.
  • Multiple neck-fanging.
  • Wrist-cracking.
  • Double vampire sex in a bathtub. (Don't ask--you don't wanna do it.)
  • Flesh-burning.
  • Co-anchor bashing.
  • Kung-Fu.
  • Fang-Fu.
  • Fe-Fi-Fo-Fu.
  • Gratuitous "Hot Bod" bikini contest.

Well, the point of all of this is that I now get why he did it that way.  Sometimes it's easier to do a breakdown list than actually talk about the movie in detail. Sadly however, I notice that I still have about a hundred words left to go in this review, so maybe I should actually talk about the movie this review is supposed to be about.

The Fallen Ones tells the story of Matt Fletcher (Casper Van Dien), an archaeologist who digs up a giant mummy, only to find out that it's the son of an Angel who raped a woman thousands of years ago (Navid Negahban), and who's now trying to resurrect his son to start a new war on heaven...or something like that. To be honest, by the time they get around to explaining motives or anything, you'll be deep into your drink, trying hard to forget the stabbing pain behind your eyes this movie induces. The vaunted giant mummy on the box cover appears in the first 5 minutes and the last 10, that's about it.  Everything in between is people talking or dying off camera.

The best part of the picture is Tom Bosley-the dad from Happy Days-playing a rabbi. Sadly he gets offed early in the film, so the only thing left to you is more booze to try and slog it through the full runtime. Lest you think I kid about this: At our Cavalcade screening, a non-drinker sucked down 4 Rum and Cokes to make it through the pain. Further evidence in our continuing theory that the more Casper Van Dien is in a movie, the more one must drink to forget it.

There, 574 words. I've done my duty.

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