All we found were empty beer cans and this review…
-totally wrote “bears” at first
1:00 – Well it’s Criterion…this must be a brilliant foreign film
-Oh, Hausu means “House”
-aaaand the title card just ate its own eyeball
2:00 – In Japan, flashbacks are green?
-pictures are red
-oooo, sailor scouts!
-“Fantasy” is her name?
3:00 – Even in Japan, the female gym teachers are gay
-“arranged marriage“ = beard
4:00 – Yeah, she’s envious of their impending summer vacation and not that two teen girls are skipping, hand in hand
-who can defy gravity?
-and have watched too much Laverne and Shirley.
-as the red sun of Krypton quietly sets on Japan
5:00 – Talking’s not a souvenir of a fun vacation
-soooo much random piano music
-”I’m so glad we decided to build our home in front of a matte painting.”
6:00 – Fee fie foe fum, I smell an evil stepmom
-“earlier” when we were talking one minute ago?
7:00 – I love flashbacks in the one set they built
8:00 – She totally just “Wonder Womaned” into a new outfit!
9:00 – Damn right you hate him for moving on with his life after 8 years of mourning your mother’s death and marrying a new hot chick
10:00 – “Gorgeous” is a name?
-“Melody”
-“Kung Fu”
-“Prof”
-“Sweet”
-“Mac”
-Thank God all of their names are descriptive, my racist brain would not have understood their real names.
11:00 – And they all have one identifiable character trait!
-that dude’s driving a dune buggy like a normal car
-I had no idea Japan had a Hazzard Prefecture
12:00 – I want you to be my surrogate mommy, Auntie.
-you don’t mind, right?
13:00 – Mysterious random response letter? Check!
14:00 – Seriously, they could only afford one set for the house, and they built the backyard patio?
-and shot the scenes through the windows…
15:00 – Now them’s some jolly shoemakers…
-Togo’s been transported to a world where Benny Hill controls physics!
16:00 – That bucket is still stuck on his ass. Â May want to see a doctor about that.
-why is he singing in English?
17:00 – Trains are so much bigger in Japan
-her cat got her own ticket
-and we’ve gone cartoon
18:00 – Why do Japanese girls always drop acid on long train rides?
-Sepia  = flashback now…
19:00 – Flappers and Samurai coexisted at the same time
-just like Jesus and Dinosaurs….
-are they watching the flashback, too?
-old school = his plane is going down but he’s so nonchalant
20:00 – And now we’ve gone purple
-I’ve often thought of mushroom clouds like cotton candy
-that cat is totally in on it!
-whatever it is…
-And now, beer #5
21:00 – America = scary is unpaved roads
-Japan = scary is rope bridges over 6 story gorges
-winner? Japan
-doomed-Mouseketeer roll call!
22:00 – Seriously, these girls are wandering into an lsd-fueled nightmare and are completely okay with their impending doom
-RUN! It’s the Watermelon Man!
23:00 – He said it! Â WE HAVE A TITLE!
-why are his pit stains blood stains?
24:00 – It’s the Addams Family house!
25:00 – Director sure does love his fish-eye lenses
-that cat has telekinesis!
27:00 – Why aren’t they scared of the witch and her witchy powers?
-wtf?
-that chandelier attacked them!
-and no on cares.
-the Japanese are so laid back
29:00 – Can you be a crazy cat lady with only one cat?
-that song’s not getting old at all….
30:00 – It is a big clock….
31:00 – Everyone’s so jolly…..
32:00 – The cupboard shoots rats….
-how could you lose a watermelon in a well?
-she’s going to eat them!
33:00 – Wait, bath?  I thought they were cooking?
-why don’t more cooking shows take place in bathrooms?
-nope, cooking
35:00 – That’s not a watermelon!  It’s Mac’s head?
-how is she not freaking out?
-Where did the puke come from?
-she’s got no body!
36:00 – These girls are not helping
37:00 – Auntie’s not eating watermelon, she’s eating Mac’s soul!
-and that’s an eyeball in her mouth…that tracks with her own eyes….
38:00 – Goddammit, if the girls want to take a bath together, you let them!
-Soooo single…
41:00 – There’s hair growing out of the water…
-the cicadas ARE noisy
42:00 – Attack of the sentient logs!
-good thing Kung Fu knows Kung Fu
-You’ll see Mac IN HELL!
43:00 – She just went in the refidgerator and is now upstairs….
-OH MY GOD SHE SEES ME!
-she’s dancing with the skeleton
-this is now Troma’s version of Peewee’s Playhouse
44:00 – Alright, halfway through. You can do this, O’Reilly!
-More cat pictures of the one cat that is totally the bad guy.  I’m shocked. Shocked I say…
47:00 – There’s a dancing skeleton behind you!
-well, why wouldn’t it be a full moon?
48:00 – I don’t remember growing fangs…..
49:00 -That’s a bleeding mirror
-Girl, your face is falling off!
-and you’re on fire?
50:00 – The piano’s going all Simon on her…
51:00 – My god, she’s being attacked by Futons.  FUTONS!
53:00 – The disco jazz music of death!
54:00 – Yes, you will all disappear. Â Get out of the damn house!
-God in Heaven, the movie’s being invaded by Far From the Madding
Crowd…..
-Stop moving intermittently!
… with Hell…shit…
-Her aunt is eating you one by one!  That’s why you should be scared!
-and here comes the Electric Mayhem to the rescue
-wait, you’re going to try to use reason to figure this out?
-That’s madness!
-Hello, Beer #6
-how does no one notice the dancing skeleton?
-the piano is eating Melody!
-and the goldfish watch, nonchalantly unimpressed
-and yet she seems okay with it
-That clock is bleeding…green blood
-why am I shocked at this point?
69:00 – Dammit, Togo, girls are dying! Â Get your dune-buggy-driving-ass in gear!
-that song will not stop playing
70:00 – That’s a giant head….
-They’re being attacked by The Rocky Horror Picture Show lips!
71:00 – Whelp, everything’s officially gone to hell now…
-Kung Fu’s going to Kung Fu her way out of this!
73:00 – I’m so confused I could cry right now….
-This is what happens with the Japanese remake Suspiria…
74:00 – Kung Fu is being lamped to death while Prof and Fantasy are being sucked into Toontown.  What in God’s name are they putting in PBR these days?
-They’re all just a sea of parts now.
-HA! I told you it was the cat!
75:00 – And every piece of furniture is now bleeding… the cat’s blood
77:00 – Bananas! The one weakness of the watermelon vendor!
-And, there goes Prof
78:00 – The nudity is a little late in the game, but any port in a storm of “I don’t even know what anymore.”
-I can see where James Cameron stole the ending of Titanic now
79:00 – So, Gorgeous was her Aunt who was her Cat?
80:00 – How is there always wind blowing on the stepmom?
81:00 – Of course MR. Togo has been transformed into a pile of bananas in the next morning.
82:00 – GODDAMMIT WHAT IS GOING ON?
-Because you’ll be eaten!  That’s why you don’t want to move into this house!
83:00 – How is this movie still going?
84:00 – I swear, this has turned into the Japanese version of the “Total Eclipse of the Heart” video
85:00 – She ate them all!  That’s where her friends are!
-They’re going to eat you next!
86:00 – Don’t try to justify what you did!  You’re a terrible person! I don’t care how awesome you look in slo-mo with the wind machine blowing!
87:00 – Goddamn you, Hausu. Â Goddamn you to hell!
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