Petrified

April 8th, 2008- It’s the date of the 6th Cavalcade event, and I’m left in a bit of a lurch. All week, I’d been searching for a 3rd mad mummy movie for our mad mummy movie marathon (ok, enough alliteration from me), but just couldn’t find something that broke the mold set forth by The Mummy (1932), so out of desperation, I head over to the Blockbuster across the street. Maybe they’ll have something in their previously viewed bin, a crappy little film I can pick up on the cheap.

After digging through the bin for close to 20 minutes, I’m feeling despondent, giving up hope that I’ll find anything, and turning to walk out of the store. Just as I take my eyes of the racks of DVD cases, a grotesque creature catches my eye. It kind of looks like a mummy, so I pick up the case, turn it over, and read…

When a black market antiques deal is botched by a goon and his girlfriend, the mummified remains of an alien they were selling is revived by the blood of the murdered dealer, Eldridge (Darrow Igus). The blood hungry mummy is on the run, and stumbles upon an in-patient psychiatric facility that his home to dozens of beautiful, voluptuous lesbian nymphomaniacs.

Dear sweet Gozer, I’d struck the mother-load! Space aliens! Mummies! Alien Space Mummies! Lesbian Nymphomaniacs! This has all the elements of a PERFECT Cavalcade feature! But wait, there was more on the box:

Meanwhile, the mummy is being tracked by FBI Special Ops agent, Buzz York (Roark Critchlow). While the mummy wreaks havoc at the facility, the resident Dr. Von Gelder (Osman Soykut) does everything in his power to protect his greatest experiment-eternal youth, in the form of the beautiful Cory (Dana Marie Barba).

Buzz York teams up with Helen Noel (Jessica Lancaster) and the other patients to battle the blood and lust hungry mummy.

Oh man, I just had to get this movie. Besides, it was 3 dollars, I couldn’t lose!
Unfortunately, in my exuberance, there was a small detail I missed, as my thumb covered it up:

Produced and Directed by Charles Band

Those aficionados of craptastic cinema are already knowing where I’m going with this. Mr. Band is the founder of Full Moon Entertainment, a.k.a. Full Moon Features, Full Moon Pictures, Full Moon Productions, Empire Pictures, and Charles Band Productions. While responsible for the seminal 80's low-budget franchises, Trancers and Puppetmaster, they were more recently responsible for such disasters as Decadent Evil (“Vampires! Midgets! Strippers!”-Their words), and Evil Bong. This guy produces more movies a year than some porn studios, with comparable production schedules that are frequently a week or less.

Nevermind the Wizard Entertainment logo the box. This was a full-on Full Moon Feature.

Complaining that a Charles Band movie has craptastic action, terrible acting and production values, or any of that other jazz is like complaining that water is wet, so instead I will focus on the fact that it’s filled with padding. After a brisk first scene that is fairly cool from a made-for-ten-dollar-schlocktastic-crap perspective sets the stage,  the film slows to a crawl. Scenes of people standing around, cracking random jokes that fall flat and otherwise jabbering on are the order of the day.

Then things just get sloppy. Characters appear in one or two scenes and then disappear from the picture altogether. Others reappear at the tail end with no explanation (and in one case, a vastly different hairstyle). Finally, for a movie that salaciously flaunts its lesbian nymphomaniacs, there is a surprising lack of sexploitation on display.

Yes, ladies and gentle sirs, this film failed to entertain on pretty much every level, and yet I’d still recommend that a Cavalcade put the movie in for the first 15 minutes alone. If the rest of the film were as laughably B-movie awesome, we’d be in for a treat. But alas, this mummy is wrapped in suck.

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