Wet

Damn you Eliza Dushku and your ever expanding media presence!!!

Wet is one of those games that has some really, really entertaining elements that are lessened by game fattening crap like mandatory training levels and-ugh-quick time events. It also suffers from a growing problem among cinematic games. To focus on story or fun?

In this case, the story appears to have be written by tenth graders after a pixie stick binge and a trip to Target to raid the five dollar DVD bin, so really they should have chosen fun-but writers are probably cheaper to find these days…especially if  you pay them in pixie sticks.

The elements of the story are entertaining and cool on that 10th grade level, as it includes:

1. An albino ninja woman in leather
2. A German cowboy fencer
3. Asian gangstas
4. Malcolm MacDowell

and of course:

5. Il Dushku playing Rubi, the protagonist, and loving every minute of it.

In fact, one of the best parts of the game is Rubi trash talking the enemies almost constantly, saving the player the trouble with bon mots like “You guys fight like old people fuck, slow and sloppy.” Dushku sounds like she had a really fun time swearing after being on network TV for all these years. She’s not wrong either, as most of the time the AI is so amazingly dimwitted until it’s dramatically appropriate for them to turn into Ding Chavez.

Speaking of drama, the game does have some sublime little story moments, one of which is Rubi promising a guy whose brother, unknown to him, has betrayed him. This is the classic dying friend scene prevalent in the grindhouse fair that inspired this game and it’s played to great effect when the character has Ruby swear not to let them hurt the wayward sibling. Dushku does a nice piece of voice acting here, giving her response a sincere edge,  the subtext being that they’re not going to hurt him but she’s sure as hell’s gonna’.

It was quite touching, despite having coming after spending nearly an hour trying to figure out a shooting puzzle.

Yes, shooting puzzles. I’ve always loathed these sorts of situations, because I know damned well if I need to open something by pushing two buttons at once I’m not going to use bullets.

Obviously, I’m going to use tennis balls and duct tape.

Is my life so joyless that I cannot enjoy a silly video game? Probably so. However, if I have enough time to think that logically, it speaks more to the the game’s lack of narrative momentum than it does to my being a pallid shut-in.

To be fair, the only time I really did not have to time to think was  during the Arena levels, which are set to crunchy power chord rockabilly tunes, and have you kill a nearly endless stream of mooks before you can move on to the next stage. It’s actually pretty fun in and of itself, but as the game progresses they become punishingly difficult and again, the momentum suffers as you load the levels over and over and over.

The driving levels, however, are the perfect synergy of the games control style. It combines quicktime moments with the actual shooting at enemies as Rubi rides on the roof a car speeding down the highway. These levels are pulse-pounding and fun, unfortunately there’s only two of them.

Finally, as with all games with female protagonists, when you get frustrated you may find yourself using inappropriate gender-based invectives, by which I mean “GODDAMMIT! JUMP YOU WHORE! GAAAAA!”

Which I don’t advise unless you live in a house by yourself. Otherwise, you might give the wrong impression.

All in all, Wet is a good-but not great-time spent with a video game. For sheer grindhouse-style-schlock, it kicks it pretty nicely. Unfortunately, touchy controls and odd gameplay choices bring the experience down a bit. Rent first.