Why does this movie exist?

Xtro is the touching tale of the reunion between an English man (Sam) and his son (Tony) three years after he was abducted by aliens, transmogrified, and then returned by the same aliens...to get more victims. Namely his wife (Rachel), her asshole fashion photographer boyfriend (Joe) and their live-in...I-don't-know-what (Maryam D'Abo).

As the director and co-writer, Harry Bromley Davenport, explains in the featurette on my DVD (What's that look for?  Of course I own it), "the movie is dreadful" and they were really just trying put in as many revolting things as possible in 84 minutes.  You'll see that, among the alien tentacle porn, pseudo-incestuous necking, and an overabundance of bodily fluids that shouldn’t come from any body, they do an outstanding job.

This film cannot be reviewed through conventional methods.  So forgive me if I abandon journalistic standards, and instead provide the stream of consciousness as I attempted to watch this movie again.

And drink.  A lot.

  • Ah, New Line Cinema, we have you to blame for so much pain in life.
  • Playing the part of Julie Delpy is Maryam D’Abo in her first film role.  Nowhere to go but up.
  • The 80s, a miraculous time when anyone with a Casio keyboard could be a film composer.
  • Who wears short shorts?  Little English boys!
  • Generally, one shouldn’t play fetch with high explosives.
  • It’s hard to mime being sucked into a space ship on a low budget.
  • We should all be so lucky as to be creative enough turn a father’s abandonment into a sweet alien abduction story.
  • Fee Fie Fo Fum, I hear a bad American accent done by an Englishman.
  • “I don’t what I’m looking at” Incident No. 1.
  • Well don’t you have a purdy mouth?
  • Now that’s an English mullet.
  • That’s what you get for caring about the person you just ran over.
  • Once again, a dog is trying to get its master killed.
  • It would appear that the alien’s rape tentacle is coming out of its stomach vagina.
  • Oh look, our Tony’s finally becoming a woman.
  • “Snuggle right down, sweetheart” just sounds wrong with an English accent.
  • “Nobody asked you, Joe” incident No. 1.
  • There has to be a morning after…..
  • Now that’s a spontaneous belly expansion.
  • Oh good, she just gave birth to Tony’s fully grown father.
  • Well how else would you cut your own umbilical cord than with your teeth?  Honestly…
  • Of course, Sam leaves the dead girl in the front seat?
  • For those keeping track, Tony’s annoying traits include: night sweats, delusions, spontaneous bleeding, and snakes.
  • And now for a change of pace: consensual sex.
  • Direct quote: “Think of that foot as your face and smile.”
  • It’s a fact: all English children are one bad day away from being the kids from Village of the Damned.
  • No matter what the problem, alcohol is always the solution.
  • “Nobody asked you, Joe” incident No. 2.
  • Raw Snake Eggs: a tasty treat that’s good to eat.
  • Perversion wears a cable-knit sweater.
  • Rachel just can’t keep track of the men in her life.
  • Time for a father/son bonding moment when Sam places his lips gently on Tony’s bare shoulder and projects his mouth fluids inside.  Which give Tony superpowers.  Seriously.
  • “Nobody asked you, Joe” incident No. 3.
  • Like alcohol, violence solves many of life’s problems.  See: marital issues and snakes in the salad.
  • Well, now Tony is angry.  Not to worry though, it’s not like has telekinesis … oh shit.
  • Of course, Sam breathes propane.
  • The words hypnotic, midget, and clown are just a bad combination no matter what the order.
  • “When Toys Attack!” a recurring horror movie theme.
  • He’s mortally wounded the couch!
  • That’s a leather tie.
  • Goes well with the extra tight blue jeans.
  • Who’s the grown-up in this situation?
  • Oh sweet Jesus, the hypnotic, midget clown is also a ninja.  Game over, man.  Game over.
  • Tony has inherited his father’s mouth fluids.
  • Rachel just doesn’t get what movie she’s in.
  • Maryam is so much sexier as an alien egg incubating device.
  • Uh oh, Manimal is pissed.
  • Of course, Sam is peeling apart.
  • Burning hair always sets the mood just right…
  • Tony’s refridgerator is one of the lost portals from Time Bandits.
  • That’s right, Maryam now lays giant black jelly beans out of her utero-tube.
  • And now, sparkly yo-yo death.  Wait, which movie is this?
  • If I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to apologize during sex…
  • Ah, so this was an extended Oxy 10 commercial this whole time.  Makes much more sense.
  • And that’s what you get for that haircut, Joe!
  • Hard to tell if Sam looks better or worse now.
  • Rachel is not seeing the upside of having every annoying man out of her life all at once.
  • Why would you pick the pulsating alien egg out of the green goo?
  • And that’s the moral of the story: touching something you shouldn’t and you get a tentacle in the mouth.

I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone, it’s just that awful. Even the director hates it.  I own it almost solely to add to my collection of hideous films.  The other reason is to watch it when I forget how disgusting it really is.  Like I did before I put in the DVD.  It’s like when you forget how miserable your life was with that one ex and call them up again.  I need to take a lesson from Xtro, and apply alcohol to my brain problem.

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