Liam Neeson will come to your country and kill EVERYONE.

Well, okay, he need’s a little provocation first.

Neeson plays ex-CIA Super-Ninja Brian Mills. Mills retired to be closer to his teenage daughter, Kim (the 26-year-old Maggie Grace) who lives in Los Angeles with her mother Lenore (Famke Janssen), who married some rich scumbag named Stuart (Xander Berkley, who’s made a whole career out of playing these sorts) who can get Mills’ daughter a pony, but is fairly useless when it comes to anything outside of being a rich guy.

Lenore is the classic movie ex-wife stereotype: bitchy, unforgiving, uninformed and hypocritical. All the trouble begins when she bullies Mills into signing some sort of release to let their, go on a trip to Paris. He signs off on this whole Paris trip only to find out, too late, that his daughter is actually going to follow U2 on tour.

U2 is an Irish band, and-well-Jesus, what good have the Irish done? I mean, aside from giving us good beer, music, culture, and Liam Neeson?

Mills waves goodbye at the airport, then worries and worries about her. He keeps calling her cell, only to find every parent’s worst nightmare realized: hearing her on the phone as she’s about to carted off by smarmy foreign slave traders.

Without Neeson, this movie would be total crap. But when he decides it’s time to turn it up to 11 , by GOD-does he ever. Mills is a one-man wrecking crew, tearing Paris apart brick-by-brick. He will shoot, beat, chase, or (only as a last resort) even pay anyone to get his daughter back.

At it’s core, this is a combination flag-waving “go America!” propaganda film, with a little parental revenge fantasy thrown in for spice. If you look really close at it, you realize that Mills was an absentee father, and is making up for in spades by killing at least four different members of varying ethnic groups to get his kid back. Unfortunately, there’s a dour quality to the whole affair, and while Neeson can sell anything-here he’s selling a stone cold killer who will kill people all kinds of dead in all kinds of ways. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

One last note: why is it a Hollywood convention to have very corpulent men always require two or three girls to sleep with? I mean, it’s not like these guys are word-class lovers. Or else they’d be thinner, right?

Pair this off with another movie in need of a good ribbing, like the dreadfully self-serious Fast & Furious , and you could have fun mocking all the furrowed eyebrows and growled line delivery. Otherwise, you can go all revenge happy with any of the Death Wish series.

You have to hand it to any movie that can make a man who kills hundreds of people a week the most sympathetic character in the story.

That’s more or less the goal of Gamer, a movie where a killing machine with a heart of gold, branded as Kable (Gerard Butler) by the evil corporate video game he is trapped in, must kill his way to freedom.

The game, called “Slayers,” takes convicted felons and throws them into a penned off combat zone where they are controlled by over-privileged, over-wired 17-year-olds. If they are successfully piloted for 30 games, they win their freedom, something that’s never happened, though Kable has come close.

In between lessons on how to keep fight sequences from getting dull, because they’re most of the movie, there’s lacerating satire. In fact, the opening sequence has people actually bunny hopping and tea-bagging their opponents like those jackasses you see all the time in online games.

Topping that winning combination are supporting characters of pure uncut greatness, including Michael C. Hall chewing on scenery with a Southern drawl and using phrases like “a cock-solid 68%,” as Ken Castle. He even has a song and dance number to Sinatra’s Under My Skin that blends into a fight sequence.

Kyra Sedgwick plays Gina Parker Smith, a journalist loyal only to herself. While  Ludacris rounds out the cast as Humanz Brother, the leader of the rebel faction bent on bringing down the system that allows Slayers, and it’s Second Life-like counterpart-”Society”, where people go for this world’s version of cybersex-to exist.

Like The Running Man before him, Kable isn’t getting off as easy “30 games and your out,” as Castle is needs Kable dead-or at lest under his control-so he can essentially control the world with Nanex, the micro-machines that allow all this gaming goodness to happen. Nano-bots being to modern sci-fi what “nuclear” was to sci-fi in the 50’s.

While the plot needlessly diverges in places, there are some truly great moments. One in particular stands out: After a punishing match filled with bullets and bodies, they jump-cut to thousands of people around the world cheering. It’s a grotesque sight that left me feeling queasy, as good satire should.

One of the best parts of this movie is spotting all the cameos. John de Lancie, Allison Lohman, Terry Crews all make appearances. But the cherry on top: Milo Ventimiglia as Rick Rape, a latex fetishist that gets Bane-broken over Kable’s knee.

While most of the “social commentary” the film has to offer has been done before, and done better (Rollerball, Death Race 2000), if you check your brain at the door, this is a sweet blow-some-s***-up action fest.  You could easily pair it with the another Gerard Butler absurd-violence-vehicle like 300 or  Law Abiding Citizen. If you wanted to go a more cerebral route, you could go with another surprisingly subversive film, Josie and the Pussy Cats. (Really?-The Management)

After the smash success that was Event 22: Video Games, we’re ready to roll on through to the other side with 3 fantastic options for the next great party!

Action: Bloodsports

Gamer (2009) : Our bridging movie is also the closest we’ve come to a theatrical release. In the near-future, humans can control other humans in mass-scale, multi-player online gaming environments, a star player from a game called “Slayers” looks to regain his independence while taking down the game’s mastermind.

Rollerball (2002): It is the year 2005. The new sport of Rollerball, an extraordinarily violent extension of roller derby involving motorcycles, a metal ball, and many trappings of the World Wrestling Federation-is hugely popular. This is a remake of a 1975 cult classic and it…well…is spectacular in its suckitude.

Alternates: The Running Man (1987), The Condemned (2007),

Sci-Fi: Future Cops

Virtuosity (1995): Some of the most A-list talent we’ve ever had in a feature…well, before one of the was “A-list.” A virtual villain’s successful attempt to escape into the “real world,” SID 6.7, the villain program (Russell Crowe), is eventually transplanted into an android body and escapes. A reinstated police officer played by Denzel Washington, is given the chance to catch him.

Judge Dredd (1995): An adaptation of the UK Comic that takes place in a dystopian future, Dredd (Sylvester Stallone), the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes.

Alternates: Split Second (1992), Runaway (1984)

Horror: Virtual Reality

Apparently, computers still scare people, because they keep making horror movies about the dangers of the internet, computers, and VR. Hell, does anybody even develop VR stuff anymore?

Ghost Machine (2009) : A special forces cadet (Rachael Taylor), a professional gamer, a security guard, and two computer techs battle a vengeful spirit that has infected their stolen military software.

Brainscan (1994): A teenager (Edward Furlong) is part of an interactive video game where he kills innocent victims. Later, the murders become real. Goretastic!

Alternates: Lawnmower Man (1992), Mindwarp (1992)

 Loading ...