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The Setup

While we’ve never devoted a Cavalcade to a single actor, there is no doubting the greatness of Bruce Willis. Born in 1955, Willis is the son of an American soldier and German Bank Teller, and at that time-well-WWII was just yesterday, so he is the product of a hope for a better world.

Willis overcame a stutter in high school, worked as a security guard for a nuclear power plant, worked as a private investigator, and finally was able to wrestle the American Dream to the ground, punch it in the head and get it to cast him in something. Yes, Bruce Willis is the Father of Modern Action Cinema. But, could he also be. . . A Messiah?

A man born of two very different cultures, Willis overcame personal handicap and personal danger to go onto fame and fortune and a degree of humility unseen in Hollywood since its Gold Age?

Yes. There is a promised land, and if we follow the example of Bruce Willis, we will find ourselves there. His Gospel is available to all (for 3.99 a pop a Blockbuster). Hard work, dedication, a lack of self-seriousness and guns. Lots of them.

The Formula

Write a screenplay, give it Bruce Willis, film the result. It’s not brain-science, people.

• Something will blow up. Willis always manages to blow something up or at least set it on fire.
• Willis will get beat up. Established in Die Hard, Willis takes his lumps in every movie he’s in, proving he can take it as well as dish it out.
• There will be one-liners. Willis has a line delivery style somewhere between the old Catskills style and a world-weary cop
• Willis will always play a tough guy. Even when he’s not a tough guy, he’s still pretty tough.

The Menu

In addition to our typical selection of chips, beer, liquor, and snacks-there will be:

The Booze: The Rusty Nail

• 1 1/2 oz Scotch
• 1/2 oz Drambuie
• 1 twist of Lemon peel

That’s right, a manly drink for a ridiculously manly event devoted to the manliest of men, the Rusty Nail. A hard, mean, but surprisingly smooth cocktail whose secret ingredient is moxie.

The Food: Pizza and Wings

Seriously, nothing fancy here for our hero Bruce Willis. He keeps it simple: protein and carbs so has plenty of muscle energy to wipe out a whole legion of goons.

The Movies

Hudson Hawk (1991): Willis made this extremely silly and fun movie coming out of his high flying years of the 80’s. It universally panned by uncaring public due to being a very silly movie about the thief named Eddie who sings songs with fellow thief Tommy (Danny Aiello) during capers, until he is roped into doing a job for the CIA by his old nemesis George Caplan (James Coburn), who is actually working for The Mayflowers (Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard). Willis made this picture for the fun of it, and if you approach it as intentionally fun, well, it’s hysterical.

Color Of Night (1994): Willis decides to play a more subdued role as a psychologist who is traumatized when one his patients commits suicide after he more or less tells her to do so. He decides to go into therapy, not learning from his own mistake, and meets a gaggle of silly stereotypes. He also begins dating a nymphomaniac named Rose (Jane March) who provides that special kind of healing described by Marvin Gaye. A deliriously weird “psychological thriller” with an absurd plot twist and Ruben Blades, this was a Showtime staple for years.

Suggested Alternatives

Planet Terror (2007): Willis plays a rough and tough lieutenant in charge a platoon of soldiers who melt if they don’t get their Zombie Gas.

Die Hard (1988): The Granddaddy of Modern action, and the movie that elevate Willis to well deserved stardom, this is a classic.

Armageddon (1998): Michael Bay’s magnum opus of ridiculously bad action movies. Asteroid meet Earth. Earth, meet asteroid.

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The Setup

A foot splashes a puddle on a slicked alley street as the man runs away from the hustle and bustle of the busy street behind him. He quickly looks over his shoulder in search of pursuit, and this distraction costs him dearly, tripping over the garbage and refuse littering the path and sprawling headfirst into the muck. It’s a dirty place, these recesses of the city. Just then, he’s bathed in a light that silhouettes his form to any looking from the street he was fleeing just moments ago.

He didn’t hear his pursuers approach. The whisper-net tech the force installed on the latest spinners was completely worth it, thinks the officer as he lowers his bike down to street level, with the perp still locked dead in his sights. His deck was already matching the musculature and bone structure of the mope before him to at least a dozen burglaries and muggings in the area. Once the paperwork was done, this idiot was going be in cryo for at least a year.

It’s no secret that audiences love cop shows and procedurals A simple look at the TV schedule will tell you that, what with three different CSI’s, Law & Orders, The Mentalist, etc.-all vying for your attention.  Hell, even House is a cop/mystery show disguised as a medical drama. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that this carries over to movies with budgets both big and small as well.

But we in the audience are a jaded sort, are we not? How can we be expected to slog through yet another cop mystery-thriller plot? Come up with well-developed plots and characters? Oh, noes-that would take far too much time and effort-and time is money, after all. So why not just set it in the future, slap in some special effects of varying quality, and call it a day.

The Formula

Simply put, most future cop movies follow the exact same formulas as your average cop flicks. The differences usually come in the details:

• The hero cop still has a really cool gun. Only this time it’s some sort of technological marvel (as opposed to simply being bigger, louder, and more accurate than the others).
• The forensic tech will be spiffy and different. The best part of this is in older films that end up predicting technologies that eventually became real. The classic photo analysis scene in Blade Runner provides the best example of this.
• The Criminal will typically have a “sci-fi” super ability, making him/her the “most dangerous threat to civilization as we know it”^TM the hero has yet faced-be they a clone, a living computer program, a hologram, etc.
• In a Utopian future, the hero cop will either start out with, or eventually end up acquiring, a present-day or classic car.

The Menu

In addition to our typical selection of chips, beer, liquor, and snacks-there will be:

The Booze: Irish Coffee

We here at the Cavalcade don’t exactly run from stereotypes. Hell, we watch exploitation pictures, and they revel in ‘em! As such we’re rocking two for this particular event: The diet and traditional ethnicity of a movie cop. You can guess which part is which.

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 oz Irish whiskey
• 1 tsp brown sugar
• 6 oz hot coffee
• heavy cream

The Food: Doughnuts

Really, did you even have to ask?

The Movies

Virtuosity (1995): Some of the most A-list talent we’ve ever had in a feature. Well, before one of the stars was “A-list,” actually. A virtual villain’s successful attempt to escape into the “real world,” SID 6.7, the villain program (Russell Crowe), is eventually transplanted into an android body and escapes. A reinstated police officer played by Denzel Washington, is given the chance to catch him.

Judge Dredd (1995): An adaptation of the UK Comic that takes place in a dystopian future, Dredd (Sylvester Stallone), the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes.

Suggested Alternatives

Split Second (1992): In a futuristic London, the rising sea levels mean that large areas are under feet of water. Rutger Hauer is a cop who previously lost his partner to a strange creature. Now the creature is back, and its after him.

Runaway (1984): In the near future, Sgt. Jack R. Ramsay (Tom Selleck) is a police officer that specializes in malfunctioning robots. When a robot turns out to have been programmed to kill, he uncovers a conspiracy to sell the deadly technology on the black market. Gene Simmons costars.

Trancers (1985): As a whole, this doesn’t really fit with our overall theme. But it has Tim Thomerson battling time traveling future-zombies. Did we mention that it’s got Helen Hunt?

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After the smash success that was Event 22: Video Games, we’re ready to roll on through to the other side with 3 fantastic options for the next great party!

Action: Bloodsports

Gamer (2009) : Our bridging movie is also the closest we’ve come to a theatrical release. In the near-future, humans can control other humans in mass-scale, multi-player online gaming environments, a star player from a game called “Slayers” looks to regain his independence while taking down the game’s mastermind.

Rollerball (2002): It is the year 2005. The new sport of Rollerball, an extraordinarily violent extension of roller derby involving motorcycles, a metal ball, and many trappings of the World Wrestling Federation-is hugely popular. This is a remake of a 1975 cult classic and it…well…is spectacular in its suckitude.

Alternates: The Running Man (1987), The Condemned (2007),

Sci-Fi: Future Cops

Virtuosity (1995): Some of the most A-list talent we’ve ever had in a feature…well, before one of the was “A-list.” A virtual villain’s successful attempt to escape into the “real world,” SID 6.7, the villain program (Russell Crowe), is eventually transplanted into an android body and escapes. A reinstated police officer played by Denzel Washington, is given the chance to catch him.

Judge Dredd (1995): An adaptation of the UK Comic that takes place in a dystopian future, Dredd (Sylvester Stallone), the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes.

Alternates: Split Second (1992), Runaway (1984)

Horror: Virtual Reality

Apparently, computers still scare people, because they keep making horror movies about the dangers of the internet, computers, and VR. Hell, does anybody even develop VR stuff anymore?

Ghost Machine (2009) : A special forces cadet (Rachael Taylor), a professional gamer, a security guard, and two computer techs battle a vengeful spirit that has infected their stolen military software.

Brainscan (1994): A teenager (Edward Furlong) is part of an interactive video game where he kills innocent victims. Later, the murders become real. Goretastic!

Alternates: Lawnmower Man (1992), Mindwarp (1992)

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