Gentle readers, let me ask you: “You down with O.P.P.?”

Before you respond, allow me to clarify: I am not quoting the ever-so-catchy Naughty by Nature song from 1991. No, I want to know if you’re down with other people’s poop. Because, if you’re not, Director Tom Six’s The Human Centipede may not be for you.

And if you are…dear God, why?

Anyway.

American tourists Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) and Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) are enjoying a vacation in Germany until they get lost in the woods (literally) and seek refuge in the home of Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser). Dr. Heiter is a world-renowned expert at separating conjoined twins.  However, at some point between his retirement and the beginning of the film, he went irretrievably insane and now is more interested in creating conjoined twins. Thus, it was Dr. Heiter’s good fortune that two potential portions for his pet project fell into his lap.

There is no getting around the premise of the film.  As Dr. Heiter explains to the girls and soon-to-be lead portion, Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), in specific detail-he will surgically mutilate and then attach each of them mouth to anus to form one disgusting creature. Why? Because he’s crazy!

What’s worse is that he actually performs the surgery. That’s right, The Human Centipede is not a film that jokes around, or merely hints at what could be. No, the title of the film is The Human Centipede and, by gum, Tom Six gives you a human centipede! But then the story continues for another 45 minutes! Over the course of which the audience learns that, while being part of a human centipede is one of the most disgusting ideas put on film, it is not the worst thing that could happen to you.

One difficulty in watching the picture, other than keeping your last meal down, is that it’s difficult for the audience to sympathize with these girls. One does sympathize, of course, because no one should go through even half the things that happen here. However, Six could have tried to make these girls a bit more competent in horror movie survival. Think back to every horror film you’ve watched. Combine all the of the mistakes characters make, and you’ve got these two girls. Getting out of the car on a deserted road on a rainy night, wandering in the woods with a flashlight, going back in the house instead of running for help, hiding in a corner, not checking what’s in your drink, and-worst of all-not running in the opposite direction when a scary/Germani/Mengele/Christopher Walken opens the door.

Dieter Laser is the real find here. Having the burden of about 60% of the dialogue all by himself (it’s hard to talk with a mouthful of…yeah) and competing with one of the more striking visuals in recent horror movie history, Laser commands the audience’s attention at all times. He’s creepily fascinating and cannot wait to see him in future films.

The Human Centipede is an impressive picture. Aside from some minor pacing issues in the second half and the overall brutally disgusting subject matter. It delivers exactly what it says it will, and is far more interesting that I ever thought it would be. That said, I can’t think of a person I’d recommend it to, and would require a signed and notarized consent and waiver before I show it to anyone.

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The Setup

Horror movies derive a great deal of their tension from our darkest fears of everyday places and things. In this case, those very things are the fauna of Mother Nature herself. That’s right. Our pets, our animal bretheren, and those cute fuzzy creatures that always populate the background of the latest Disney animated “classic.” These films seek to prove to you just how…terrifying a fluffball of fuzzy furry fury can truly be.

Squirrels are adorably harmless creatures that populate our back yards and woodlands. But what about rabid squirrels? Dear god! That’s scary!!! But wait, what if they were wait-for-it. . . Radioactive Rabid Vampire Squirrels? That’s our movie! R.R.V.S: Curse of the Blood Acorn

Every era has a flagship “Killer Animals” movie, in which animals are corrupted by whatever the culture was afraid of at the time. Radiation, disease, communism, technology, fast food, etc. turn animals into some sort of rabid killer…or otherwise piss them off so much that they decided-collectively or on their own-that they’ve had enough.

The Formula

Take the cutest animal you can think of. Now expose it to a nuclear, biological or chemical agent that makes it more blood thirsty than a drunk hockey fan snorting a fistful of speedballs and ground up PCP. Stand back and watch the fun. Additionally, every Killer Animal movie will have one of the following scenes:

• “Awww. .  . how cute. .” Some idiot will attempt to pet, snuggle or capture the now amazingly dangerous animal and loose a limb, possibly their life.
• “Dear God, They’re everywhere!!” It will turn out that either one animal is so fast it’s everywhere at once, or it spreads it’s ichor through the local animal population turning them all against the humans.
• There will be an “Expert” Someone who has dealt with this of thing before, back in the 50’s, but it was covered up by the government.
• KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!: At some point one of the formerly domesticated monsters will be set ablaze.

The Menu

In addition to our typical selection of chips, beer, liquor, and snacks-there will be:

The Booze: Wild Turkey, Warm Woolly Sheep

Because in the face of such terrifying and horrible movies, we need a warm glass of milk to calm down our nerves (mixed with booze, of course).

The Food: The Flesh of Deadly Animals! Or, you know, Peeps

That’s right: BEEF JERKEY to prove who’s at the top of the food chain, and marshmallow animal effigies for ritual burnings.

The Movies

Night of the Lepus (1972): A regular feature of Sunday afternoons in the 80’s, this movie proves that with good sound production, you can almost make rabbits scary. Almost. The beasties terrorize a barely populated western town for an entire evening.

Black Sheep (2006): Chris Farley is back from the grave and looking to eat EVERYONE! No. Wait. Even scarier! This movie is about killer sheep rampaging through the gorgeous landscape of New Zealand. It has everything: flesh-eating zombie sheep, flying Terry Tate sheep and…wait for it: WERESHEEP. Already a cult classic everywhere else in the world, we’re going to give this movie its due.

Suggested Alternatives

Orca (1977) : A strange fever dream of a movie, whose lesson is this: DO NOT KILL BABY WHALES, or their parents will hunt you to ends of the earth.

Tentacles (1977): Wow, ’77 was a year for movies about dangerous marine life, eh? An “all-star cast” (read: Henry Fonda) are terrorized by a giant octopus. The IMDB error page says it all: “Factual errors: Octopuses don’t roar.”

Slugs (1988): Cavalcade Staff Writer John Higgins was seven when he first saw this movie. It was funny even then.

This article was co-authored with John Higgins.

We’re finally gonna kill him now! This is it! This is the last one! Yes sirree!

Hahahaha…heh, sure it is.

Set in the “future” year of 1999, ten years have passed since the events of A Nightmare on Elm St. 5: The Dream Child (1989) and Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) has been busy. “John Doe” (Shon Greenblatt) is the last Springwood teen left, and the adults have gone bat-shit insane as a result.  John escapes Springwood only to be thrown into a youth shelter that employs Maggie Burroughs (Lisa Zane), who just happens to be Freddy’s long lost daughter!  Through Maggie, Freddy will be able to escape the confines of the population of Springwood’s dreamers and kill children everywhere!  Unless Maggie and Doc (Yaphet Kotto!) can stop him.

Looks like this is a job for 3-D glasses!

In directing what could theoretically have been the last Elm St. movie, Rachel Talalay did not make a horror film.  No, this is straight comedy.  Let’s take a look at our hero, Freddy Krueger.  Among other things, Freddy dresses as the Wicked Witch of the West , plays nightmare victim video games, rockets a house into space, prances around a deaf man, and sets up a bed of spikes like Wile E. Coyote .  Freddy has turned into Bugs Bunny, which, in its own way, is highly entertaining.  Scary?  Not in the least, but he’s a lot of fun to watch.

One of the more fascinating aspects of the film is the townspeople of Springwood.  Living through the mysterious and violent deaths of all of their children has driven them quite mad. Making cameos as two of the hysterical parents are Roseanne and Tom Arnold !  Remember them?  Exactly. The town holds town fairs, conduct history classes and run orphanages as if the kids are still there, all the while terrified at the mere mention of Freddy’s name.  This was developed further to great effect in Freddy vs. Jason (2003) .

The climax of the film featured the much hyped 3-D sequence where the audience joins Maggie as she dons 3-D glasses to venture into Freddy’s head, go down memory lane,  pull Freddy out of the nightmare where he is vulnerable and then have the titanic battle between good and evil!  Those of you keeping score might recall that this was the entire plan in the original picture. Apparently, the step Nancy skipped was 3-D glasses.  Sigh.  The sequence was apparently designed by the same geniuses behind Friday the 13^th: 3-D (1982), complete with pointless hand gestures toward the audience and random, creepy “Dream Demons” flying out of the screen.  Not being allowed to see the film in the theater, I hear it was… “exciting.”

As with everything else in the film, what starts with the promise of graphic violence ends with a joke.  After a mediocre fight between Freddy and Maggie,  Freddy’s (supposed) last word  (when facing his impending “death by pipe bomb imbedded in chest” is “Kids” right into the camera as he explodes into 3-D goo.  A lame ending for lackluster sequel.  The film works as a comedy but not as a horror flick and, mercifully, not as the last Nightmare on Elm Street film.   Though Alice Cooper’s turn as Freddy’s foster father and Johnny Depp’s heartfelt anti-drug PSA are entertaining.

Oh, and the Iggy Pop montage of the whole series over the credits is incredible.

The trick to reinvigorating an older franchise is taking the old concept and adding boatloads of new stuff. Batman Begins (2005) and Star Trek (2009) ideas, and approaches. There’s no sense in making the same films over again since video allows them to be watched by new generations. (Yes, being an avid fan of horror sequels, I am completely aware of the irony of that). To be successful, one has to reboot rather than remake. Thus, while Sam Bayer’s 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street tries to add some new ideas, it relies too much on the original film and does not improve upon it.

Nancy Holbrook’s (Rooney Mara) been having terrible….wait, no. Dean Russell’s (Kellan Lutz ) been having terrible nightmares about a burned man in a red and green sweater named Freddy (Jackie Earle Haley); well, at least until Freddy kills him in the pre-title sequence. Then, Kris Fowles (Katie Cassidy) is having nightmares for the next half hour until, well…you know. Finally, halfway through the film, our real protagonist is revealed to be Nancy after all.

Nancy and would-be love interest Quentin Smith (Kyle Gallner) soon discover the history they share with Freddy Krueger’s other victims: they attended the preschool where Freddy was custodian, and accused of gettin’ touchy with the kids; prompting their parents to do the only sensible thing: hunt him down and burn him alive. Feeling somewhat wronged, Freddy’s brutally murdering all of these children in their dreams unless Nancy and Quentin can determine what really happened at the preschool.

As a horror movie this isn’t a bad picture. Sure, the characters are fairly generic; if you’ve seen the earlier recent horror remakes of Friday the 13th (2009) or One Missed Call (2008) , then you are familiar with all the stereotypes. Of course, this makes it difficult for the audience when the narrative wanders aimlessly for the first 45 minutes. Granted, horror movies aren’t known for their character depth, but this series has always made the effort to make their cannon fodder just a wee bit more identifiable… before they’re summarily eviscerated. or

An interesting addition is the conceit of insomnia causing spontaneous “mirco-naps,” Freddy is no longer bound to normal sleep patterns, he can now seemingly appear anytime, anywhere-provided the teenager has been up for 3 days straight. Staying up any longer can lead to irreversible comas., tying into the larger mystery plot, which doesn’t really work as the audience already knows that the killer is Freddy Krueger.

While stylish, the remake doesn’t hold a candle to the original, which was genuinely creepy and before it got fucking scary. Wes Craven created tension and mood before delivering the horrific violence. This film adheres to the “new school” of horror: quiet, quiet, quiet, LOUD NOISE! It doesn’t really work after the audience recognizes the pattern. Bayer attempts to recreate certain death scenes, but fails to even match the Tina (Amanda Wyss ) death from the original, let alone improve upon it.

But the unforgivable sin here is the handling of Nancy.

Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp) was possibly the greatest final girl ever. After being stalked and victimized, she hunts Freddy (Robert Englund ) down and takes the fight to him. Conversely, Rooney Mara’s Nancy looks like a stiff wind would knock her over, and she has to rely on Quentin throughout. Nancy’s trademark inner-strength is nowhere to be found, which is a shame since these teens need all the help they can get against Jackie Earle Haley’s malevolent and spiteful Freddy. Haley, by the bye, knocks it out of the park, mixing in the traditional gallows humor, though played down. Haley brings an anger not seen in the previous films, which is an interesting perspective.

Here’s is the one legitimate complaint about Haley’s turn as Freddy: he’s really short.

Overall, the film is not as disappointing as I thought it would be. While not as memorably disturbing as Wes Craven’s original, it does set the stage for future, to which I look forward. The series just needs to move into more original territory and create new nightmares. installments

Having survived Freddy Krueger’s (Robert Englund) assault in A Nightmare on Elm St. 4: The Dream Master (1988) , Alice (Lisa Wilcox) and Dan (Dan Hassel) are graduating with their new friends (read: cannon fodder) and have put all of that unpleasantness behind them.  Unfortunately, Freddy has other plans and has figured out a way to return through Alice and Dan’s unborn child!

Yeah.

You’ll have to watch the film to learn whether or not love, goodness and the weakest Deus Ex Machina since A Nightmare on Elm St 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) will prevail.

In interviews, director Stephen Hopkins explained that by number 4, the powers that be at New Line Cinema decided that Freddy Krueger had become too comical and that this installment should be a return to the darker tone of the original film.  I only bring this up to point out how miserably Hopkins and Co. failed in that endeavor.

This is the weakest film of the series, which is not a surprise considering that Freddy is at his weakest.  His facial make-up design makes him look bad, even for him.  Combine that with the odd, over-long limbs, a random wetsuit sweater, and “Super Freddy” – you have a recipe for disaster.

Hopkins bucks quite a few trends in 80s horror from starting the film with a sex scene to having “Art-House-y” chalk opening credits and not making his film scary.  Though there is some truly bizarre, memorable imagery to be found such as the recreation of the circumstances surrounding Freddy’s conception and Alice willing Freddy out of her body.  Trust me, it looks just as weird as it sounds.

This installment “boasts” one of the lower bodycounts of the entire series.  However, though the quantity is low, the quality is quite high.  Hopkins makes full use of the reality or lack there of in the series creating some of the most bizarre death scenes.  Take Dan’s death.  After being thrown out of his truck, Dan gets on a motorcycle to race to Alice’s rescue.  However, along the way, Freddy merges Dan’s body with his motorcycle a la David Cronenberg’s Videodrome (1983) .  Alice’s comic book reading friend, Mark (Joe Seeley) finds himself the only thing in color in an entirely black and white world and bravely tries to kill “Super Freddy” before being turned into a two-dimensional drawing and shredded.  Meanwhile, hopeful model Greta (Erika Anderson) is force-fed her own innards in a binge gone horribly wrong.

These sequences are immensely creative, which feel wasted amidst such a lackluster story.  For all of Hopkins’ efforts, it’s a goofy, scareless affair which has no real identify other than being “the boring one.”

After the large critical and commercial success of A Nightmare on Elm St. 3: The Dream Warriors (1987), New Line Cinemas did what every creative and innovative movie studio does: they tried to make the same exact movie all over again!

The Dream Master is the second in a three part movie set within the overall series.  This review will have spoilers from The Dream Warriors, so fair warning.  The film opens with the three remaining Dream Warriors having transferred back to sane living at Springwood High School.  Kristen Parker (Tuesday Knight, taking over for Patricia Arquette ) has the sneaking suspicion that Freddy (Robert Englund) is coming back.  Surprising no one, he does, and proceeds to kill all three of our returning characters.

Wait, what?

That’s right, director Renny Harlin pulls a Psycho (1960) and kills the heroine halfway through the film.  Enter Alice (Lisa Wilcox), stage left.  Alice daydreams entirely too much, accidentally pulling her friends into her nightmares, making them convenient fodder for Freddy.  As Freddy kills his way through Alice friends, she gains their dream powers, thereby becoming strong enough to stop Freddy once and for all.  We hope.

NoES 4 was the most commercially successful of the original six NoES films.  Harlin stripped down the story and characters to the barest of essentials, added lighting effects the likes of which would make Joel Schumacher envious, and injected more goofy humor in Freddy.  Though Freddy is still performing terrible acts, he’s not particularly scary in this film.  And how could he be?  He’s wearing Wayfarers, dressing in drag, eating pizza made of people, appearing on postcards, and being resurrected by flammable dog piss (has to be seen to be believed).  Worse still, upon rewatching the film for this review, I noticed that the majority of Freddy’s scenes are not only brightly lit, more often than not he’s in direct sunlight!

And yet this installment is genuinely not one of the “bad” NoES films even though it does feature the third silliest method of dispatch Freddy.  Mirrors!  Who knew?  There is a high body count, well-paced murder scenes, grotesque imagery like the souls pulling themselves out of Freddy’s body (the only thing worse than seeing the sequence is seeing the behind the scenes explanation) and Freddy does the worst. Thing. Ever.

Debbie (Brooke Theiss ) is the last of Alice’s friends to die in the film.  Debbie’s identifying character traits are a love of body-building and a hatred of insects.  As a result, spoiler»

What saves the film is that it’s genuinely entertaining.  The Dream Master is essentially the Summer Action Romp version of an Elm St. picture that features solid performances from Englund and Wilcox, and some truly terrifying imagery.

Freddy breaks both of her arms, replaces them with cockroach legs, rips off her skin, revealing a full cockroach body underneath and then crushes her.  I’ve only gone into such detail because the sequence is still astonishingly cruel and graphic.  And Debbie was barely a main character!  (Incidentally, Mezco ‘s Cinema of Fear action figure line features a toy based on Half-Roach Debbie.)Powered by Hackadelic Sliding Notes 1.6.4