Every Friday we’re going to scour the worst of the worst to watch on Netflix Streaming and live blog the event through our Twitter feed (@cavalcadeos).

This week on the live stream, I decided to go back to a genre that is near and dear to all of our hearts: Zombies. In diving through the specialized Zombie sub-section of the Horror category on Netflix, I found any number of potentials, some of whom will definitely be appearing on this website sooner or later. Wiseguys Vs. Zombies, Insane in the Brain, and my personal favorite, Die you Zombie Bastards!

So when it came to choosing today’s feature, I decided to keep it simple and reverse the ratings listing. For those unaware, Netflix asks you to give movies a star rating after you watch them. Based on these scores, the service assigns potential ratings on movies in order to give you an idea of how much you’d like it. The more movies you review, the more accurate their predictions (according to their documentation). The first night I was a member, I rated 157 movies. Since then I’ve lost count.

You can then sort movies in sections based on their predicted rating, and when choosing movies, I tend to look in the 1-2 star area. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got a 1/2 star movie.  The single lowest rated movie I could find on the site in the Zombie section.  In other words: pure gold.

Raiders of the Damned tells a tale in the post-apocalyptic wastelands of  the final days of World War III,  where an unleashed biochemical weapon rendered Earth a post-apocalyptic wasteland overrun by cannibalistic zombies. When a helicopter carrying a group of scientists – humanity’s last hope for survival – crashes in zombie central, a military ops team led by Dr. Lewis ( played by Richard Grieco, from 21 Jump Street) is dispatched to rescue them. Now it’s up to the only soldiers still alive to fight the bloodthirsty zombies for control of the planet – or die trying! The twist, according to the marketing materials for the movie, is that “Their bodies are rotting corpses, but their minds are still hideously alive!“

That’s right, smart Zombies.

The Setup

As far back as the industrial revolution, mankind has been fascinated with and/or afraid of the idea of the synthesis between the organic and the mechanical, using technology to improve upon the human machine, because who wouldn’t want to be able to see through walls or dead-lift a car?

Interestingly enough, we’ve already reached the point of basic cybernetics. Prosthetics have evolved to the point where neuro-transmitters in the brain can be used to control hands and legs with relative ease, it’s only a matter of time before they are made combat ready, with installed particle cannons, machine guns, retractable spring-loaded bayonets, or even better: Chainsaw Feet.

Potential medical miracles aside, Cyborg movies themselves tend to fall within one of two categories.

Good Cyborg Vs. Bad Cyborg (Robocop II, Cyborg, Universal Soldier)

In these films the hero is almost always a policeman/woman or military officer killed in the line of duty, only to be resurrected as an unstoppable killing machine of sweet merciful justice. Unfortunately, programs like these tend to be experimental in nature, taking a wide variety of test subjects, and the hero is the experiment that doesn’t want to go crazy, kill a bunch of people, and watch re-runs of All in the Family in his Hane’s His Way metal boxers. Frequently, the leading bad-borg has some kind of past with the hero, adding that extra layer of cheese angst drama.

Bad Cyborg Vs. Everybody

(Terminator, Star Trek: First Contact, Transmorphers)

These bad-baby-borgs come from any variety of sources. While many come from the same source as the G Vs. E Borg movies, they can also come from the future, or most frequently-Outer Space. That’s right, ladies and gents: Extra Terrestrial Cyborgs. And unlike other aliens, who might actually be friendly on occasion, ETBs are never friendly. They simply want to stomp on your colon and eat your face… or give you a cyber-colostomy and a cyber-faceplate. Same difference, really.

Formula

Cyborgs make all kinds of appearances  in all kinds of Sci-Fi so locking in a formula for them is difficult. However, when they are the focus of a movie, there are a few things you can guarantee will always make an appearance. The first being that there will always be a scene breaking down exactly what enhancements have been made to our ‘borg. Be it enhanced strength, speed, endurance, retractable guns, laser eye, or motorized penis (Space Truckers, if you think we’re kidding). In G Vs. E Borg movies, there are two stand-bys you can count on in addition to the previous.

1. The hero will always override his programming to be EEEEVILLE before taking down his opponent.
2. The bad ‘borg will always be an “upgrade” to the good one.

The Menu

Unfortunately, we didn’t have any specialized menu selections for this month’s theme, other than:

The Booze: Hop-Ocalypse Beer

A lot of Cyborg movies also fit into the post-apocalyptic category, which allows them to save on budget, and allows us to enjoy this niftily bottled beer.

The Movies

Interesting problem this month. You see, usually we end up ordering our movies online due to their…uh…cult status. However this month, we kind of, well, forgot. This led to a mad dash around town the day of the event as we searched for anything with a Cyborg theme. To this end, we discovered a couple of things that were rather upsetting:

1. The Movie store is now essentially defunct. Sure there are a couple of Blockbuster/Hollywood video rental places left around, but they seem to be drying up in “these troubled economic times”, and the retail establishments that specialize in selling movies, like Suncoast, are essentially gone (there are only 4 locations left in Maryland). This leaves us with the Best Buys, Targets, and Borders-type establishments. Unfortunately, since this isn’t their focus, they rarely have any real cult gems.
2. Cyborg movies are in rather short supply.

As such, we got a little desparate when searching for movies, and started grabbing anything with a Sci-Fi bent that looked really crappy. Which led us to our first movie…

GunHed (1989): In the year 2038, a group of scavengers enter the complex of the renegade Kyron-5 in search of precious element Texmexium. Billed as a giant-mech movie for fans of Appleseed and Battletech, we were pleasantly surprised to find out there were Cyborgs and Cybernetic killers a-plenty in the movie…and it took place in a Post-Apocalyptic texas, making for a solid-bridge from last month’s event. Then the movie just. Kept. Going.

With hope of finding another movie that could at least remotely fill the theme of the night, we stumbled across a value-pack DVD box set geared towards Ninjas. Remembering the magic phrase “Ninjas make EVERYTHING better”, we picked up the case, turned it over, and to our amazement found:

Cyber Ninja (1988): As the opening narration tells us, Once upon a time in the Distant Future, the Suwabeh clan is losing their war against the Lord of Darkness and his army of mechanical ninja, and only another CYBERNETIC ninja can save the day. Trust us when we say this went on to become one of the greatest Cavalcade features screened since Godzilla: Final Wars

So we lucked out and managed to get some quality, um, crap for our screening. But what about the original choices we had planned?

Suggested Alternatives

The Terminators (2009): Damn near a world-premiere. From the same studio that brought us 2007’s Transmorphers (an ultra low-budget Transformers knock-off), comes The Terminators an…ultra low-budget Terminator: Salvation knock-off.  The studio’s track record for quality (read: REALLY F-ing BAD) makes this an easy recommendation.

Cyborg Soldier (A.K.A. CYBORG COP II) (1993): look at the future of crime, where a death row inmate is recruited to be transformed into an unstoppable Cyborg Soldier that goes horribly awry! Make sure you get this one and not the other Cyborg Soldier (2008). Featuring ormer UFC Middleweight Champion Rich Franklin, and a rather bored-looking Tiffani Thiessen, that movie is a snooze-fest.