Porcelain Pregnancy

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Drop the Soap

There are days when this job gets a little...weird. You would think that any position that has you screening films of such caliber as Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010) and Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973), one might be prepared for anything that comes across your desk.

You'd be wrong. So very wrong.

When I get an email from one of our former editors with the subject "Movies you have GOT to see", I feel the slightest tinge of trepidation. This is the same editor who showed me such classics as Vampire Girl Meets Frankenstein Girl and an anime series where the primary characters gain superpowers by drinking breast milk. Seriously.

Among the films listed in the message, I was quite surprised to see that one was listed as an official selection of the Sundance film festival. I mean, since when did we ever want to watch movies that people might actually consider art? Well such is the case for Tub (2010).


Paul jerked off in the shower. Paul just impregnated his bathtub.


Read it again.

Yeah, it's like that.

The fact that the 12 minute film, written and directed by Columbia film-school graduate Bobby Miller was selected for afore-mentioned film festival in 2010 is a testament to how creepy/funny the film manages to be with its absurd premise, and it really has to be seen to be believed. As such, it comes highly recommended for those with the properly warped world-view. Check out the trailer below.



And hey, you're in luck! You can watch the full movie for free at www.tubmovie.com

A fly-by-Night Trap

As a freelancer (in many fields), it's easy for me to fall into the trap of working on weekends, as I can always take a day off during the week. However, as I tend to work 10-20 hour days most weeks (because I love my work), I have recently started to dedicate the weekends to goofing around. However, my goofing around is often just as much work as it is play, frequently because I'm usually trying to do something silly...Like setup a media server on my TV or program a universal remote to execute applescripts on a Mac. What can I say? I'm a nerd.


Dana Plato wonders why you don't come on in for some hot Vamp-on-Co-Ed Action?

Most recently I've been tweaking that little media server to see if I can't get it to play old video games and integrate them into the browser I use to scroll through my other media. You know, to make it so I never have to get up off the couch again. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I've created a molecular bond with the thing, the two of us becoming one being of leathery comfort and perfection....

Where was I? Ah yes, setting up the machine to play Sega CD games.

After getting the damn thing working (which was no small feat, mind), I trolled around the interwebs for copies of classic games that I could use in my little arcade. It was then that I stumbled across this little forgotten "gem".

Supposedly setup to remind you of a B-grade slumber party horror movie, Night Trap wants you to think it's all about scantily clad nymphets getting themselves ganked by unknown perpetrators in an "interactive movie experience". What it really is, however, is a convoluted jumble that mixes in "Augers" (vampire-like beings dressed as Ninjas), a Spec-Ops team, vampires, and the troubled Dana Plato (Any child of the eighties will remember her from Diff'rent Strokes). Oh, and a Nightgown scene in a bathroom that got congress all up in arms.

Like many Full Motion Video (FMV) games, you spend most of your time watching pixelated cinematic sequences before entering in pre-determined key sequences to move onto the next cinematic. However, as this was was among the first of its kind in 1992, it was kinda shiny and new. Looking back at it, the fact that it had 6 different endings and over an hour of footage make it fairly impressive from a technological standpoint. Not to say the game was any fun, mind you, but still technologically impressive for its time.

However, anybody who's a fan of the truly cheesy would do well to check out the various and sundry videos available on YouTube, as they are a hoot to watch. Meanwhile, I think I'll see if I can't find myself a copy of Corpse Killer.


Do you remember this game? Any other B-horror/Schlock titles I should look at? Sound off below!

A Tale of Two Cavalcades

Way back in 2008, I had the idea for a little club that would meet once a month in my apartment and watch bad movies centered around a particular theme. For an added bonus, we would have food and drink that matched the particular theme of the month. It was to be full-on potluck and use movies from our respective film collections, keeping costs down; essentially, an inexpensive B-movie bookclub. Wow, did I ever not know what I was getting myself into or what?

In less than 3 months, we had name voted upon by the crowd. In 5 months, we had a website. By 12 months, we'd outgrown my apartment and had to move to a local art gallery. By the 3rd year, we were featured in multiple newspapers as a hotspot to watch for an evening's entertainment in the DC area. This skips over the 500 square-foot inflatable screen and the public events held to crowds that would have filled the entire floor of my apartment building. I couldn't believe it. Also the business grew really fast because I invested all the money I won in a lottery on it, so I really recommend to buy a ticket and check the lotto results and winners, you might be one of them.

What's more, I couldn't believe we'd accidentally taken our name from somebody else's website.

When the group first brainstormed ideas for names, I wrote each and every one of them down and did domain lookups them. I also checked the copyright and trademark statuses just to make sure (something that was fairly easy for me to do, as I worked down the hall from the office that housed them all at the time). But you know the one thing I didn't do?

A simple Google search.

When we all settled on the Cavalcade of Schlock, I went off and registered the domain and started the process for trademarking the title. Then, one day, I decided to do a Google search to see how our site ranked among the other B-movie review sites. That's when I found the other Cavalcade of Schlock website, hosted on the now-defunct Geocities written by a gentlemen under the pseudonym of Tyranorabbit.  While it seemed to have had a huge following, it had been dormant for over a year.

Feeling like crap, but thinking I had lucked out in the fact that his site had apparently gone the way of the dodo when Geocities eventually shut down, I continued with the marketing of our project, enjoying it as it grew to the heights mentioned above. Eventually we were getting so much traffic that our original host couldn't handle the numbers, and all was well...until the hate mail started.

It turns out that Tyranorabbit brought his site back in late 2009, now hosted by Blogger (you can find it here), and was writing reviews again. In his comments section, there were a couple of people who decided to take pot-shots at us, though T himself never responded. However, hating the fact that there was some bad blood out there coming in our general direction-and feeling mighty protective of our group-I sent out an email to Tyranorabbit, saying how big a fan of his work I was (and I really was by that point, as he's a rock-solid writer with great thoughts about exactly the kind of movies we talk about), and how I was willing to host his work on our site to provide a safer environment than the free blog-sites that constantly get shut down. I thought it could possibly be a match made in b-movie heaven. Alas, to date, I've never heard back from him, and his site has again been dormant for 2 years.

But still there are the comparisons, and the hate mail.

So here I am, giving the official word from us on the subject. We didn't deliberately rip anybody off, it was simply an instance of the same idea for a name happening in two different places, albeit we were nearly 10 years later. We've now got everything trademarked and copyrighted (and have had them for 2 and a half years now), but I don't like the potential for ill-will. I have big plans for Cavalcade v4, and the site redesign was simply stage 1. My offer's still out there T. After all, we both did this for the same reason: The love of craptacular movies.

Cavalcade of Schlock 4.0

Ladies and Gentlesirs, it is my very great pleasure to be able to present to you the latest iteration of the Cavalcade of Schlock website!

Over the last several months, I was ever more saddened to see this place fall further and further into disuse. Eventually I decided that I needed to take a direct hand in bringing about its resurrection. With that in mind, I did an exhaustive review of the previous site, examining what worked and what didn't. What you see before you is a result of that and more than 200 hours of coding. So let's see the highlights of what's different, shall we?

Revamped Mission

When the Cavalcade first started, we lacked a certain degree of focus on what we were going to cover, and it showed. As time went on, we eventually found our footing in the arena of the lesser known B-movie. However, as we grew, we felt pressured to include A-list theatrical releases. This led us to get pretty far afield of what I'd envisioned. So while I've left those films in the archives, I've decided to get back to where I wanted this place to be in the first place. Sharing my love of those ridiculously bad movies that you find at the the video store (or Netflix). Check out our first review under the new mission for an idea of what we're going to cover. I mean, the title's Nude Nuns with Big Guns. There's no WAY that was ever heading to a theater near you.

Increased focus on you, the reader.

Star Ratings

The first thing I did was include a system for you to quickly provide your input on each of the films we review with a star rating system that required nothing more than a single mouse-click. Take a look over at Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil to see what I mean. The system takes your input, averages it out against the ratings of others, and instantly provides you with feedback. I think it's kinda cool, actually.

Revamped Comments

I've integrated our comments system with Facebook, allowing you to share your thoughts about anything on our site via your Facebook/Yahoo/Hotmail account. This means that a majority of the time you won't have to "log in" to verify you're human, and you can quickly share the thoughts that we're so eager to hear. As an added bonus, you can share these thoughts on your own wall to invite others into the conversation.

Reader Submissions

Have you heard of an upcoming, or seen a craptacular grindhouse horror, sci-fi, action movie that you think would fit our site? Have an idea for a feature we could run? Want to write the review yourself? We recognize the world of Schlock is both vast and expansive, and we want to give those of you out there in the interwebs the opportunity to share your love with the rest of the world. Check this page out and get to submitting!

Return of the Blog!

In the beginning, I had a section of the site dedicated to random musings about B-movies and related news. When I revamped for v3, I offloaded that in hopes that others would take up the slack. Unfortunately, I made it kludgy and complicated. So, this time I brought it back where it should have always been. Here. In the coming days you'll see some posts appear there, as I've already got them queued up.

Code Overhaul

The old site relied on a lot of plugged-in code to add features and functionality that, in the long run, we didn't use. This caused a huge bog-down in performance. Not so now: The entire site has been built from ground up with only our use in mind, greatly speeding up the overall site performance. The same goes for the backend systems that I use to publish articles. I've done everything I could to make sure the process of submitting a review/article/feature/blog post as simple as possible, thereby eliminating my excuses for not doing so.

Finally, Pardon Our Dust!

I've done my best to quash as many of the layout and code bugs as I could before releasing this beast into the wild, but as you can imagine, any site of this magnitude is going to still have a few issues here and there while I work out the kinks. One of them is the fact that (not surprisingly) Internet Explorer still doesn't like all the aspects of the site. I'm working diligently to crush all the IE bugs, but in the meantime I'd recommend viewing this in Chrome/Safari/Firefox. Also, an iPad version of the  website will be available in the next couple of weeks, as coding for THAT has been a bear.

As always, let me know what you think!

Either in the comments below or our new Contact Us webpage

The Books of Blood Part 3 (the 00s)

Here's the third and final part of the Tom’s tour through Clive Barker’s Books of Blood :  The 2000s!

The new millennium has seen an almost renaissance of splatter-punk and overall exciting horror films.  Lower production costs and, more importantly, cheaper distribution methods have given way to a resurgence of gore-film marketability.  While some may view this situation as an over-saturated market, it does allow for more higher quality horror films to sneak through the tidal wave of direct-to-video trash.  Such are the three Barker films adapted in this first decade.  Though all three were intended to have (and to a tiny degree had) theatrical releases, most audiences have seen them on the small screen.

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

The first “real” story of The Books of Blood (as explained below) is the magnificently titled “The Midnight Meat Train.”  Let’s take a moment to reflect on how incredible this title is.

Okay, moving on.

Leon Kaufman falls asleep one night on a New York subway only to be awakened by a man who has killed, butchered, and hung several of Kaufman’s fellow New Yorkers on meat hooks!  I know the New York transit system is dangerous but this is beyond Bernie Goetz’s worst nightmare.  The butcher, Mahogany, (again with the incredible names) discovers Kaufman’s presence and a life and death struggle ensues with more at stake than is immediately apparent.

To tell you anymore would be to spoil one of the better endings and twists a short horror story can take.  And to be honest, at this point in this series of articles, you guys should have gone out and bought and/or borrowed a copy of these books already.  If you haven’t yet, go forth and procure a copy and join the rest of us for the discussion of the film.

In 2008, Ryuhei Kitamura (of Godzilla: Final Wars fame) brought the story to film with exceptional results.  Bradley Cooper and Vinnie Jones star as our hero and villain.  With this particular adaptation, Kitamura had a story problem even worse than stretching the length of the film to a feature running time:  why would Kaufman keep going back into the subway every night when he knows Mahogany is waiting to kill him and everyone else.  You remember Schlock Horror Movie Rule #3, right?  Here, Kaufman is now a photographer on the verge of breaking into the big time if he can just get that one great shot.  Foolishly, he thinks he’s found his ticket when he finds Mahogany.

Worthy of special note is Vinnie Jones as Mahogany.  Jones has impressed us before with his performances in Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but here, with hardly any dialog, he creates a malevolent force.  With body language reminiscent of Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers, Jones adds a reserved quality to Mahogany, inkeeping with the short story and unnerving on the screen.

Kitamura brings a solid visual look to the film with his inventive camera movements, color palette, and astounding amount of gore.  There is a surprising body count for a Barker film, with death scenes that are almost too painful to watch.  Combine this with great performances and a solid story, I will put it out there that The Midnight Meat Train is the best Clive Barker-based film since Candyman.

Book of Blood (2009)

As referenced above, “The Midnight Meat Train” is the first real story in the BoB series.  However, “The Book of Blood” serves as a short framing device for the entire series.  It is also the shortest story.

A paranormal researcher named Mary Florescu has hired a psychic medium to help unravel the secrets of a haunted house.  Unfortunately for Florescu, her medium, Simon McNeal, is actually a con man.  Unfortunately for McNeal, the house really is haunted, and the dead are more than a little frustrated with McNeal’s shenanigans.  The disembodied spirits take their revenge by inscribing their tales of woe directly onto McNeal’s flesh, thus creating the series of stories in the Books of Blood.

John Harrison combined this with the final story coda “On Jerusalem Street” to create 2009’s Book of Blood.  The film follows both stories fairly closely.  Adding back story when necessary to flesh out the film to feature length.  Unfortunately, it’s just not that exciting.

Nor should it be.  The short story upon which it is based isn’t really meant to exist on its own.  It’s there to set all of the other stories in motion, and since this film exists alone, it doesn’t even set up the other movies.

That said, the high points of the story are captured perfectly.  It’s just that there are only about three of them.  The most prominent being when the dead exert their will upon the haunted house, unzip reality, and horrifically mutilate our fake psychic.  This scarification leads to a truly fascinating visual gimmick: McNeal’s scarred skin is constantly being rewritten.  New texts are perpetually carving themselves onto this poor bastard with no end in sight.  It’s disturbing.

Unfortunately, these moments and visuals are few and far between.  The bulk of the film plays like an episode of Ghost Hunters with a few character moments and sex scenes almost thrown-in after the fact, still people like sex scenes and content and is one of the things most consumed by the public, including sex toys anyone can get from a website online.

Dread (2009)

BoB Vol. 2 features a story about that one guy you hang out with who, on the third or fourth round of drinks, takes whatever philosophical debate you’ve been having just a little too far.  Thinking of that friend now?  Good, now imagine if he/she were bat-shit crazy.  “Dread” is the story of how Stephen Grace met Quaid, and how Quaid drove everyone he knew insane.  Literally.  Quaid wants to get to the heart of-you guessed it-dread.  Why we feel it and, more importantly, how we can overcome it.  Not relying on his usual graphic visuals, Barker builds suspense by revealing, little by little, the lengths to which Quaid will go to get the answers he so desperately needs.  This includes trapping people in rooms filled with their worst fears, watching to see if they overcome them, or succumb with disastrous results.

(Aside: Interestingly, while watching this film, one realizes that, in a way, Barker presupposed the “torture porn” genre of horror, i.e. films like Saw, Hostel, Captivity, etc.  In most horror films, the goal of the “killer” is simply to kill; they’ve gotten more creative as audiences have gotten more jaded.  Whereas, with torture porn, the goal is to watch the victims suffer for ninety minutes and then die, if they’re lucky.)

The film follows much of the same plot, but with addition of a film project to justify their experiments instead of Quaid simply having odd extracurricular activities.  This aspect helped fix the “SNL Problem,” by adding filler interviews with prospective dread sufferers.  However, I think this may have hurt the film overall as there is now a sizable chunk of “not a lot happening” between the beginning and the end of the film.  On the bright side, the characters are fleshed out better than most horror films, though some are developed in a similar fashion to the later Nightmare on Elm Street films: one prominent characteristic which is used against them with horrific results.

My only real complaint comes from a original story-versus-film perspective.  In the book, the portrayal of Quaid was a slow revealing of the depths of his insanity.  The film goes the opposite route by letting the audience in on how crazy Quaid is from the start.  As a result, not only is the mystery and suspense undercut, as the audience knows it’s only a matter of time before he flips out and hurts people. As such, I became a little impatient waiting for the inevitable bloodbath to begin.  Not helping matters is Shaun Evans portrayal of Quaid as something of a whiny twerp.  (I know he’s English but couldn’t someone have told him how to hold a baseball bat like an American?)  However, these complaints are minor.

The End?

Out of the 30 stories in the Books of Blood, only 9 have been adapted for the screen.  Currently, only one more is in some form of development: “Pig Blood Blues,” the story of overly violent prep school hijinks. There’s more than enough material to make at least 9 more films or better yet, a cable horror anthology.  If anything happens, rest assured, we’ll be here to tell you all about it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the Cavalcade’s look at the films of one of the more prominent horror voices of our generation.  For those of you more familiar with the BoB series, which stories do you think would make a good feature?  Let us know in the comments section and keep the discussion going.

For the rest of Tom's look into the Books of Blood: Part 1 and Part 2 are in our archives.

The Books of Blood part 2 (The 90s)

Because we love you, and love to torture our horror writer Tom O'Reily, we've had him follow up on his original foray into Clive Barker's Books of Blood to bring you The Books of Blood part 2: the 90s!

In terms of horror movies, the 90s had nothing on the 80s. Graphic, gruesome violence gave way to an over-reliance on computer generated special effects, and gritty slashers were swallowed up by moody overblown gothic art pieces that were more melodrama than scares. And that was before Wes Craven’s double-edged sword, Scream, determined the path for the second half of the decade. The Books of Blood were not immune to these trends. However their usage was kept to a minimum and overall, the 90s treated Barker's short stories much better than the lackluster offerings in the 80s.

Candyman (1992)

BoB Volume Five (In the Flesh for us Yanks) featured “The Forbidden,” a short story about a masters degree candidate named Helen that was researching graphitti in the poorer neighborhoods of London. As Helen gets drawn further and further into the lives and misery of the neighborhood, she comes face to face with their own local bogeyman: The Candyman. Things do not go well for her as she pays the price for gaining such forbidden knowledge.

Our stock and trade at the Cavalcade is bad movies and making fun of them as much as humanly possible. So, please understand that I do not say this lightly: Bernard Rose’s adaptation of the Barker short story is nothing short of brilliant. Rose managed to take the short story as starting point and circumvented the “Saturday Night Live” problem by adding the supernatural element. In the original story, the Candyman is completely human and creates his legend through killing children with tainted candy and the occasional brutal murder. The hook-handed fiend we’ve come to know and love is almost a total film creation. Rose wisely incorporated Barker’s dialogue for the Candyman character which helped elevate this film in terms of adaptations. Candyman is the first film outside of Hellraiser that captures the evocative language that is one of Barker’s trademarks.

It also doesn't hurt to have Tony Todd’s voice delivering those lines, with Virginia Madsen leading the rest of the cast in trying to survive the supernatural forces that impinge upon what their idea of reality. These are two crucial elements in Barker’s work. His stories are almost always set in a rock-solid reality. It’s just that the characters (and readers) were not aware that reality is much deeper than the surface they see.Also, his stories are about adults. It’s refreshing to watch horror films that are not about teenagers that can barely survive high school, let alone a psycho killer. Add to these elements an iconic film score by Phillip Glass, the appropriate levels of gory violence, and it's no surprise that Candyman still unnerves eighteen years later.

Lord of Illusions (1995)

BoB Vol. 6 (Cabal) featured “The Last Illusion” which introduced readers to supernatural detective Harry D’Amour. Harry is hired by the widow of the world famous illusionist Phillip Swann to watch over his body before it can be cremated the next morning. It is not so easy a job as the demons that Swann dealt with to gain his remarkable skills have come to collect their due.

Six years after Nightbreed, Barker convinced Hollywood producers to give him another stab at adapting his own work. Lord of Illusions is a fascinating horror film for a number of reasons. First, Barker tossed out almost everything from his own short story. Harry is still our main character and a detective but the plot and interactions with the other characters are completely changed as is the villain, Nix was an entirely new character made for the film. The film uses many of the themes from the story such as the difference between illusions and actual magic but everything else is a new story. The level of awareness it takes for an artist to be willing to throw everything out to create a story that is better suited to a different medium is impressive.

Second, Barker attempted to make a hybrid cross between a horror film and film noir and even though the film was not a success, the formula was. The plotline of the film follows standard film noir tropes: beautiful dame with secrets hires gumshoe, gumshoe investigates what she tells him but soon uncovers real truth behind the mystery, gumshoe deals with cops, and gumshoe solves whole mystery and/or ends up with girl. All of these conventions are present in Lord of Illusions; however, instead of fighting over “the stuff dreams are made of,” everyone’s trying to avoid the devil (or at least the nearest approximation) ending the world. Barker’s combination of the genre’s is impressive and worthy of close study. I especially enjoyed the noir look in the graveyard meeting with Scott Bakula and pre-X-Men Famke Janssen.

Third, the villains are wonderful. Barry Del Sherman as the androgynous Butterfield! The man creeps his way through the film with a set of tools that would put Dr. Beverly Mantle (Dead Ringers) to shame. His raizon d’etre is to resurrect his mentor and main threat of the film, Nix. Daniel Von Bargen plays the half-Charles Manson/half-Saruman, all-apocalypse-inducing bad guy with a world-weariness that makes him another in a long line of multi-faceted Barker monsters.

Despite its strengths, there is no denying that the film is a mutt-genre wise. This, and what Barker describes as watered-down theatrical release, made for a poor showing at the box office. Luckily, the DVD release features Barker’s director’s cut which has never disappointed this reviewer. To date, this is the third and final film Barker personally adapted.

“The Body Politic” (Quicksilver Highway) (1997)

Muscle memory allows one to do repetitive activities without thinking. It makes one wonder if knowledge lies in one’s brain or in the body. Barker answers this question directly in BoB Vol. 4 (The Inhuman Condition) in “The Body Politic.” As it turns out, every part of the body has its own consciousness, including one’s hands. And if you think they’re content to do every little thing you need, you are in for a shock. Well, a relatively minor shock in comparison to when the hands start lopping each other off at the wrist and scuttling away to freedom away from their “tyrannical” bodies! Think Evil Dead 2 mixed with the Bolshevik Revolution. Once again, Barker’s gallows humor presents itself in a fun little story.

Quicksilver Highway was yet another attempt to recreate the magic of Tales from the Crypt's short horror fiction, celebrity guests, and an amusing host. Alas, not even Christopher Lloyd in a wig worse than Doc Brown’s could get this show on its feet. But we did get one telemovie/pilot which featured one story by Stephen King ("Chattery Teeth") and Barker’s “The Body Politic.” The adaptation starred Matt Frewer with his rebellious appendages and was fairly straight-forward. Aside from some hilarious images of what look like an army of Thing Addams' taking over the world in cheesy, cheap 90s CGI, it’s fairly forgettable. But if you’re a completest, there are copies available on Amazon (linked to the right).

And with that half-hour episode, Barker fans would have to wait twelve years for the next Book of Blood story to reach the movie or video screen. Hopefully, the next and final installment of this series will not take that long. Join the Cavalcade next time for The Books of Blood part 3: Adventures in Direct-to-DVD Land!

The Books of Blood part 1 (The 80s)

Even if you don’t recognize Clive Barker by name, all we need do is mention Hellraiser and you instantly know the nature of the man’s work.  Before he turned the world of horror movies on its ear with the aforementioned tale of leather-clad S & M zombies from beyond the grave, Barker did the same with horror fiction.

In 1984, Barker hit the ground running with the first of a six volume anthology of short horror fiction entitled The Books of Blood.  The title comes from a bad joke in the titular short story: “We’re all books of blood, when we’re open, we’re red.”  This quote is indicative of Barker’s combination of black humor and grotesque imagery.  Over the years, several stories from the BoB have been adapted into films and television shows with varying degrees of success.  With the latest adaptation, Dread , premiering at the end of this week, we’ve strapped down staff-writer Tom O'Reilly, and had him endure a marathon of perversion and graphic violence to see how good, or bad-these video nasties were!

Rawhead Rex (1986)

The first time Barker was adapted into film, and he disowned it-so you know you’re in for a good time.  Rawhead Rex is the story of an ancient 9-foot-tall monster that is freed from thousands of years’ imprisonment in a small town outside of Kent.  Once free, Rawhead goes on a rampage, killing just about every single thing he sees except menstruating women (not kidding) until the townspeople manage to get their act together and gang up on the poor, misunderstood engine of destruction.  The film adaptation is essentially the same thing. Rawhead runs around killing everything except women.  So what is Clive’s problem?

Well, for starters, Rawhead looks like a taller version of the lead troll from the seminal work: Ernest Scared Stupid.  Even for the 80s, this is a pretty sad excuse for an animatronic monster face.  The mouth almost works, the eyes intermittently glow red, and it’s just plain silly looking.  Also not helping matters is that the short story is primarily told from Rawhead’s point of view, and the film plays out like a bad slasher film focusing on characters introduced two whole minutes before they’re summarily butchered.  Rawhead is supposed to be the main character, and what the audience gets is David Duke’s (not the one you’re thinking of) Howard Hallenbeck trying the solve the mystery of-and exacting Rotoscopic revenge on-Rawhead (Hint: there is no mystery).

The original short story is hardly Shakespeare, and Barker wrote the screenplay-so it’s a little difficult to understand why he’d hate it so vehemently.  I mean, they even managed to retain the cinema-defining moment of an English vicar ecstatically receiving a golden shower from Rawhead.


Mercifully, this video has been out of print for years.  Of course, I own it....What? It was only five dollars!

The Yattering and Jack (1987)

Probably the closest thing to a straight comedy that Barker has written so far, the story tells of Jack, a gherkin importer whose mother was a witch that reneged on a deal which granted her great power.  Naturally, he’s been cursed by the cheated Lord of the Flies to be haunted by a squat little demon known as “The Yattering.”  Charged with driving Jack insane, the reader follows The Yattering’s inept attempts and Jack nonchalantly brushing them off as tricks of the light or “the house settling” to great comedic effect.  Think The Screwtape Letters but the demon is an idiot and the Patient wins!

TYAJ was adapted as an episode of the horror anthology tv show, “Tales from the Darkside.”  Since it was only a 30-minute episode, this is one of the few adaptations that didn’t have to deal with the “Saturday Night Live” conundrum: how to stretch a barely amusing idea into a feature-length film?  Aside from toning down the more graphic moments (cat mutilation, demon masturbation, etc.), the adaptation is spot on.  I was impressed with the consistency of Jack’s character in television even though the actor was obviously bored with the part.  The special effects are as good as you’d think for a late-80s genre television show: lots of props tied to fishing line and being hurled across the room.  Which does have it’s own sort of charm.  However, when reading the story, I don't think anyone imagined The Yattering as Danny Woodburn half-naked and painted red *shudder*.  But, you don’t have to take my word for it as the episode is available to enjoy on MySpace video.

Nightbreed (1990)

Now technically, Cabal-the story that became Nightbreed-is not in The Books of Blood.  However, the stories from the sixth volume of BoB was published in America with Cabal, so we're squeezing it in.  Cabal is the story of Aaron Boone, a Canadian with non-descript mental problems, that imagines that he belongs in a mythical town full of monsters.  Unlike the unfortunate plight of many schizophrenics, Boone’s fantasy world is actually real!  Midian is populated by assorted freaks and monsters that want nothing more than to be left alone.  Well, to be left alone and eat the occasional hapless passerby.  You know how it is.  This sort of behavior pits Midian and Boone against the local Sheriff and all sorts of allegorical violence and mayhem erupts.

Having learned his lesson with Rawhead Rex, Barker has made a more concerted effort to adapt his own material for film.  After the success success of Hellraiser, Barker was poised to make what he envisioned as the “Star Wars of monster movies.”  It’s sadly ironic that Nightbreed is the film that most nails the trouble with Barker’s incredible imagination, and the ability of film to capture it.  Nightbreed starts out strong, but it's clear halfway through the film that the studio got antsy and had Barker truncate the second half to such an extent that it's impossible to make heads or tails of what’s going on.  And I’ve read the book!

The make-up effects are strong, as is Danny Elfman’s score, but it’s nearly impossible to become invested in the characters or story as both fly by without any real explanation.  With the exception of a rare on-screen performance as the villain by director David Cronenberg, the acting is bland. Which is ironic as lead actor, Craig Sheffer, would go on to give a fantastic performance in Hellraiser V: Inferno .

As movie reviewer Jay Scott said, …it's bad, but it's not memorably bad.”  (Scott, Jay (February 20, 1990). "Beasties that stink up the night Nightbreed". Globe and Mail) I would give this critique one caveat: apparently, there is over an hour’s worth of footage that was cut that still exists.  Perhaps it could make this a more enjoyable film.  If anyone else is as interested as me in what this could look like, please go here to sign the petition for the longer cut of Nightbreed.

This concludes our look at The Books of Blood in the 80s.  Stay tuned for part two, which covers that halcyon age: The 90s!

Part 2 and Part 3 have been posted!-The Management

10 Rules of Schlock Horror

When three writers get together, they inevitably have to make a trilogy. The first in our series focused on the rules that every schlock Sci-Fi movie needed to avoid at all costs follow to be truly worthy of our notice, and like all great trilogies, the middle chapter takes a turn for the dark as our newest writer Tom OReily delves into the murky world of horror…

Horror movies are like pizza:  even bad pizza is still pizza.  We forgive a lot in horror movies, both because we enjoy their charm and we don’t expect too much in the way of originality.  So,while the forthcoming list may seem like clichés that should be avoided to create something new and exciting, deep down we look at them as old familiar friends.

1) Welcome to the Movie!  Please pick up your one character trait and interesting haircut at the front desk. As sequels progress, the stories become less detail oriented and more sketched out.  As a result, characters become more like caricatures with one identifiable quirk, which is usually used to give them a brutal demise.

Worst Offenders: Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and 5 featuring such intriguing personalities as Brainy/Asthmatic Black Chick, Buff/Roach-Hating Girl, Karate Kid with Bad Haircut, Skateboarding Comic Geek, Greaser Motorcycle guy, All Jock-guy, and Swimmer-girl!

2) Oh, such a cute little child…KILL IT! Even if the child in a horror movie is not the epitome of all evil him/herself, the child is always what the evil monster wants.  So, save yourself the trouble and kill the child right at the beginning. After all,  you can always have more children.

Worst Offenders: The Omen is the big one, but also look to the American remake of The Ring .  Not only is the big bad an adorable little girl, but who didn’t want to take out that freaky son of Naomi Watts?  Even before he becomes the biggest jerk at the end?

3) Guys, could we just-you know-LEAVE? Horror movie victims seem to have a terminal case of rubbernecking.  They all feel the need to go “check things out” when they hear a strange sound or the lights go out.  I understand when some psychopath is chasing you there is nothing you can do.  But why would you encourage the evil monster to kill you?

Worst Offenders: The Amityville Horror and most other haunted house movies.  The house is possessing the main character and driving him insane, but the family doesn’t leave until the very end of the  picture.  A more recent, more mind-boggling entry is The Midnight Meat Train . All Bradly Cooper has to do is not go into the subway looking for the insane serial killing butcher, and yet he goes back three times on three different days!

4) I know we’ve been friends forever but I’m gonna’ have to go ahead and leave you to die. Years spent building friendships and relationships will be swept away in a matter of hours when one’s life is at stake.  Unless, someone is in love –then they’ll sacrifice themselves, which happens about as often.

Worst Offenders: If The Evil Dead taught us anything, it's that it’s all fun and games until you have to dismember your loved ones.  Also great is Cabin Fever ; it’s like the anti-Breakfast ClubJeepers Creepers II is also fun as the anti-Rainbow Coalition.

10 Rules of Schlock Sci-Fi

When three writers get together, they inevitably have to make a trilogy. But when three movie critics get in a room, they start bitching about cliches. That in mind, we decided to give a shot at doing a trilogy of cliches movies should avoid, or else be worthy of our notice. That said, welcome to our heady introductory chapter, written by avowed Sci-Fi nerd, John Higgins.

Sci-Fi is an interesting Genre. When it's good, it can be entertaining and thought provoking. But when it fails, it will most likely be fall on the floor stupid. The danger stems from writers not avoiding several pitfalls that can drag your script down into our mocking hands. Since so much crap has been coming out lately, we felt that it would be best if we put together a helpful list for those screenwriters press-ganged into drafting the next summer's onslaught of blockbusters, which will surely be pretty, but like a bad date, pretty will only get you through the first hour.

1) The Puny Human Fallacy, or the PHF is a mistake races from the across the stars tend to make, especially when dealing with Americans. Usually, they'll land, tell the people of Earth that they are superior to us in every way and demand surrender or water or cheese or what ever they are lacking. Problem is, if they're a superior race, why don't they just obliterate us without asking? If they give up the element of surprise so they can lord their high and mightiness over us, we're only going to take the opportunity to defeat the aliens.

Usually with A Mac.

Worst Offender Stargate -  The emperor character, who surrounds himself with human-shield children at all times, is absolutely certain he can wipe out the human race even after he meets the consummate bad-ass that is Kurt Russel.

Speaking of defeating aliens with the monstrously mighty Macintosh, that leads us straight into:

2) The Disc Operating System of Humanity Paradox: No matter where an alien intelligence comes from, humans will inevitably crack their programming methods given how much time is dramatically appropriate. Usually, we start this in the 50's after swiping computers from a downed alien space craft, or in 20 minutes with the help of a savant who only drinks grape soda.

Worst Offender: Independence Day - Jeff Goldblum hax0rs the Alien's b0x0r with what appears to be an early generation Mac Book. It helps that he has Will Smith before Will Smith could act outside of "Daaaaayum," and "Ah heeelll nah."

3) The Time Traveler I Wouldn't Trust With a Toaster involves  people with no concept of time travel being sent back in time. The character sent back in time either has no clue of how dangerous it is go back in time, and often time end up making things much worse, usually while trying to save a loved one.

Worst OffenderTimeCop - You're going to send Jean Claude Van-Damme back in time? Really?

4) The Greatest Scientific Discovery In History. This happens so much in sci-fi it's probably why people are afraid to get vaccinated against H1N1. Somebody finds something, a substance, a creature or something, and despite the clear danger presented, they have their eye on the Nobel Prize, or more cynically-dollar signs. Leading them to attempt to bring back a sample in some capacity, usually to the detriment of everyone else in the picture.

Worst Offender: Aliens . Paul Reiser sees the xenomorphs and thinks, "that's a hell of a weapon!" and tries to bring one back. This despite their kind having just wiped out an entire human colony. This, of course, is a running theme throughout the whole franchise, proving yet again that multi-national mega-corporations of the future obviously became that powerful by making the same mistake over and over until they stopped getting killed.

5) Our Weapons Are Useless Against Them is probably the most irritating out of all these, since it immediately opens the door for Deus Ex Machina. The invading hordes of Grey-skinned marauders melt the White House, the Eiffel tower and any other landmark you can think of, humanity is on the run, there is no hope! Then they get the sniffles and the movie ends.

Worst OffenderWar of the Worlds - Okay, so this was the first movie to actually do this, and it was a fair twist. But now it's like everything in the entire movie between first ship touchdown to when the first Alien keels over from syphilis is filler.

5 tips for a successful Cavalcade

Now that we've recently wrapped up the 8th Cavalcade of Schlock event, wherein a seminal horror classic that is fondly remembered by most, bombed with the crowd at the event badly enough that we stopped it and threw in another movie. This got me thinking about the previous Cavalcade events, which ones were more successful, and why.

1. Know your audience.

Do you have a bunch of gorehounds who love to see people zombies jump-roping with the intestines of a clubbed baby seal? Is your crowd rowdy and talkative? Having the answers to questions like these allow you to tailor your film selections appropriately.

Our group is rather diverse, as it ranges from 8-14 people on average with a rotating cast of characters, depending who can make it each month (if they all came at once, I'd say we've had 20-23 different attendees). The primary common theme is that we're a rowdy group, who as a group like movies that move quickly, or have enough things in it to openly mock. Medium gore is about as much as I'd throw at them, as only half are real gore aficionados, while the rest are simply there for a good time. We've found that you can err on the side of more gory though,  those who don't like it simply turn their heads and laugh with those that love it.

2. Know your movies.

This ties-in directly with number 1. You should, as the host, have a rough idea of what your movie is going to be like. In our group, movies that are going for "suspense", or have a lot of padding for time (which a lot of the really low budget movies do in order to justify their run-times), are not going to be successful. As such, a film like the original Halloween, which is comprised mostly of stalking shots and fake "gotcha" stingers, is going to fall flat on its face. However if we'd thrown in Freddy vs. Jason, which none of us actually enjoyed originally, is of a fast enough pace, and filled with enough idiocy for us to gab about, that it would do well.

Be careful though, this can be a difficult edge to walk on. A movie like The Fallen Ones, which was very mockable (as it had no redeeming values whatsoever), but so bad that it felt like it was wasting your life, can bring an entire gathering to a stand-still.

A good knowledge of your movies can also help you adjust the play order. We've found that the first movie needs to be higher pitched as everyone is settling in and still catching up with each other. As the night progresses, you can move to more deliberately-paced pictures as people are relaxing. Sometimes a movie falls flat solely because it was played at the wrong time of the night.

3. Have a backup plan.

If a movie is bombing badly enough, don't be afraid to stop it and move on to another. It's always good to have a backup plan in place. I've gotten in the habit of having two or three other movies that fit the vein we're going for that I can throw in at the last minute if the whole group votes on spiking the one we're watching. This has led to some very successful choices. When a movie didn't arrive on time for this month, I substituted Idle Hands, which is a bad movie, filled with cliches (and some fairly lame jokes), but fast-paced enough that it went over really well.

Don't fret if a movie you're particularly fond of dies with the crowd. Sometimes its not about the movie as much as its about the audience.

4. Good Snacks/Drinks can save you.

If you have a beer or mixed drink that particularly matches the theme well enough, or a munchable that does the same, you can enjoy that and mix it up with your participants while the films play-out. The ultimate goal is to have all the pieces come together. For us this means a good mix of food, movies, and audience participatory fun, but sometimes we have to rely on one aspect more than the others.

5. Relax

The key is to just relax and not to get discouraged. Remember, this is a night of friends and movies. It's easy to have a good time in that senario. However, if you follow these steps, you'll find that the evenings will be even more enjoyable, leading to more meetings, and more Schlocky fun!