10 Rules of Schlock Sci-Fi

6) Tachyon particles will save us from the corner we painted with this crappy script. Characters stuck with some hooey or another? Use some gobblygook science to get out of it! Usually this will involve an explanation that the audience can barely follow, either because they don't have a degree in quantum physics, or because they do and know it's all horse feathers.

Worst Offender: Star Trek - Every other episode, regardless of series, this happens. They reverse the polarity on the forward port nacells and fill the Jeffrey's tube with krypto-argon gas and defeat the Vallixisdax, a silicon based life-form from the soft-shelled crab nebula.

7) Hyper fashiony-fashions will distract from how silly the future is in this crappy script. Sci-Fi in 60's and 70's is the most obvious offender, but we only notice it now because the aesthetic is so clearly inspired by current trends in fashion and style that's it's merely what was cool in that era turned up to 11.

Worst Offender: Logan's Run comes to mind immediately, with all it's actors having feathered hair or perms, and really awesome silk tunics.

8) If fashions don't work, In the future, all cars will be stupid...like the (crappy) script.  What's the most abundant thing in the western world? Cars. So if you want to transport your audience to another time and place, change what all the cars look like. Sometimes it's completely sensible.....and sometimes it's looks the guy who made the Delorian dropped acid in some Bizarro universe.

Worst Offender: Freejack -An amazingly bad movie to begin with-mixing time travel with bodyjacking. Oh, and Nascar-the scenes where they have these ten really ugly hatchbacks that look like a Japanese beetle had sex with with a Honda to establish the future. What's worse is that six blocks away you can see the normally-ugly early 90's cars.

Finally,  Sir Anthony Hopkins is in it, which brings us to. . .

9) The Oscar winner will distract people From this crappy script. This is one of our favorites, as they will assign the worst bits of dialog to the guy with the little golden statue, to give it weight. Frequently in the very next film they do. Going straight from a Best Actor or Best Supporting Actor nod to some crazy shit on par with Zardoz.

Worst Offender: Species -"Okay, we need a sympathetic character here, so we need somebody the audience will instantly think is doing the right thing. Hey, how about the guy who played Ghandi! Think he'll do it?"

Speaking of Species:

10) T&A will save this crappy script: One of the most revered rules of B-movie Sci-Fi. There are precious few things that can get asses in the seats so assuredly as pretty young things strutting scampering away from space aliens or cyborgs. Better yet, make the breasts part of the cyborg!

Worst Offender: Tie between our favorite space vampire film Lifeforce, and Cyborg 2 (the Cyborgasm). As you may already know, the female lead is naked throughout Lifeforce and is quite stacked. This keeps us from thinking about just how much like a hunk of mohagany the main characters are.

In Cyborg 2, they open the film with a sex scene, which is always a winner, no matter the genre. Then during the scene, the girl EXPLODES. Not even ten minutes into the film and Freud would already be having a field day. They put the breasts on the cyborg, and then blow it up.

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