Sorcerer’s Apprentice, The

At the start of  Jon Turteltaub's The Sorcerer's Apprentice, legend tells us (in Ian McShane’s uncredited dulcet tones) that there was a great Sorcerer’s War back in the day.  The good guys were led by Merlin (of course).  He had three apprentices: Veronica (Monica Belucci), Balthazar (Nicholas Cage), and Horvath (Alfred Molina). For plotty reasons, Horvath betrays his comrades and joins with Morgana Le Fay (Alice Krige).  It’s the Borg Queen, so why resist?  Besides, all she wants to do is raise the dead and unleash untold horrors upon mankind.

What’s sexier than world domination?

Through a bit of luck and sacrifice, Morgana is imprisoned inside the body of Veronica and a dying Merlin sends Balthazar on the quest for the Prime Merlinian (not to be confused with the Prime Meridian, though that’s what I kept hearing).  A montage shows his centuries’ long search, testing children all over the world.  Then, we leave Balthazar be and focus on the movie’s hero.

Now, imagine you’re ten years-old and on a school trip.  Imagine that you’ve been trying to impress the cute girl in your class for ages.  You finally give her one of those: “Do you want to be my girlfriend: ‘Yes’ or ‘No’” type of letters.  Before you get a response, it’s blown off into the street and, finally, into creepy-looking shop where you run into a crazy man.  The man then hands you an awesome ring and tells you you’re a sorcerer.  That’d be pretty cool, right?  Either that or it’d be grounds for years of therapy.  Unfortunately for Dave (Jake Cherry), it’s the latter after a magical battle royale between old frenemies Balthazar and Horvath leaves him looking like he’d wet himself during a nervous breakdown.

And we fast-forward ten years (to the day) to an older Dave (Jay Baruchel) waking up, grabbing the obligatory nerd breakfast of Mountain Dew, and getting lectured by his friend and roommate about not participating in life.  Friends really need to stop giving these lectures in movies.  People tend to get hurt.  Lucky for Dave, this is a Disney movie.  Otherwise, he’d be totally screwed.  As it would happen, he runs into the girl he’d adored when he was ten, Becky (Teresa Palmer), and decides to give it another go.  Again, it’s Disney.  This is entirely plausible.  Then, Balthazar catches up with him and tells him that he's taking Dave on as his apprentice as they try to save the world from Horvath and Morgana.

Some highlights of the rest of the very Disney movie include Nicholas Cage finally embracing the insanity that actually makes him fun to watch and Alfred Molina chewing up every scene he’s in like it’s delicious candy.  Oh, did I mention the neat Tesla Coil effects?  There are Tesla Coils!  There’s also a nice homage to the original “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” short from Disney’s Fantasia.

Disney’s lucky that my inner child and I are the best of friends and that we’re both easily amused.  Otherwise, I might have started on a tirade about how the three female roles boil down to simple stereotypes: bitch, damsel in distress, and self-sacrificing beauty who just wants to be normal.  Or I could have gone into how the more interesting characters didn’t get as much screen time as they deserved.  As it was, I enjoyed it for the fluff it was and try not to think about how awesome it could have been.


The Cavalcade of Schlock is full of kindness and generosity. You ask for Blaxploitation Nazis? We give you The Black Gestapo. You want Alien Sex Vampires? We present to you Lifeforce. So when our friends, asked for some cat love today as part of their “catstraviganza” event, we thought long and hard before agreeing, but eventually something wormed through and made us realize that we could help out with both of our missions with a special selection of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers, a film about horny vampiric werecats. Yes, you did indeed read that correctly: Horny. Vampiric. Werecats.

Based off an unpublished novel by the famous author, the movie tells the tale of the virginal Tanya Robertson, who’s going steady with Charles Brady, a hottie from school who just moved in from out of town. Of course, she doesn’t know yet that all Charles wants is her hot virgin lifeforce to feed to his starving mother-a lady with some very sweaty/unmotherly feelings towards her boy. Along the way the villains of the piece will: shapeshift into puma-people, turn invisible, have hot un-monkey-love, run screaming from house cats (their only weakness), and-oh yeah, that’s right-stab a local policeman to death with an ear of corn!

Corn: It's what's for dinner.

This is a seriously stupid and nonsensical picture, but it doesn’t make us love it any less, what with the sweaty incest complete with purple-light-generating-werekitty-love (no, that part of the story never does get old), and the flaming death by cat bites. There’s even a saucy dance number with a push broom! Lucky for us then that it’s a well directed clusterfuck of a story, with cool use of music and strong cinematography. It doesn’t beat around the bush either, leaping into the premise in less than 15 minutes.

Huh, all the sex and cats in the picture-and I didn’t make a single “Pussy” joke. I’m either slipping or maturing.