Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us for our long-awaited review of Godzilla: Final Wars. However, before I can get to the review proper, and adequately discuss the nuances of the film, I have to get something off my chest. I feel the need to do this, if only because it does so affect the rest of the analysis. We here at the Cavalcade of Schlock do want to thank you for your patience in this matter, ladies and gentlemen, and promise to be brief in my announcement, so that we may both continue on in our studied consideration of the motion picture. So, without further ado...
Oh. My. F*@%ING GOD. This movie is F*@%ING AMAZING!
Ok, now onto the review proper: The year is 2020 and the earth is in chaos. Countless years of constant warfare and environmental neglect has led to the rise of the monsters. To combat the growing threat, the world's governments have formed the Earth Defense Force (EDF), whose sole purpose is to, well, defend the Earth... through force. Wielding a staggering array of the latest technology and weaponry that science-fiction can provide, the EDF have still more resources to call on in this desperate struggle for humanity: Super-Human Mutants.
Enter into the situation, the Xiliens. An alien race that, at first glance, is promising to help defend mankind against not only the monsters, but the impending doom of a planet made of FIRE on a collision course with Earth (to be fair, I think they meant "meteor" and mistranslated). However, it turns out that the Xiliens are actually the ones controlling the monsters and the fiery planet of doom hurtling towards Earth. Now, with the planet overrun with giant monsters, what hope do we have left?
That's right, Godzilla.
The one monster that the EDF couldn't defeat steps into the fray, not necessarily to defend the Earth, per-se. It's mostly a "if anybody's gonna trash the place, it's gonna be me" kind of deal. That's right, Godzilla is here to kick ass and call it Christmas, so sit back and enjoy the show. And what a show it is!
Every monster to ever set foot (or wing, in the case of Mothra) makes an appearance in this picture. Even the American 'Zilla from the travesty that was Godzilla (1998) steps up to receives a beating in one of the films best scenes. This is a movie that's not afraid to ripoff of every science fiction movie released in the last 20 years. Just off the top:
- Every Godzilla ever made (natch)
- The Matrix
- V: The Series
- Armageddon/Deep Impact
- Street Fighter
- The Power Rangers
- Dragon Ball Z
But. It. doesn't. Matter. Because this movie throws them all together, stirs the pot of absurdity into a quality stew, and sets the burners to eleven...
Hmm. Kind of took that metaphor a bit too far there.
The point of all this is that you won't find a better Cavalcade movie than this. I still haven't mentioned the captain of one of the EDF warships, played by former champion Mixed Martial Artist Doug Frye as a man so... manly that he carries a samurai sword slung over his shoulder the entire picture soley so he can stick it in a wall and fight mano-a-mano against an alien in one of the films climactic battles!
In closing, three words: See this f@#%ing movie.