Raiders of the Damned

This week on the live stream, I decided to go back to a genre that is near and dear to all of our hearts: Zombies. In diving through the specialized Zombie sub-section of the Horror category on Netflix, I found any number of potentials, some of whom will definitely be appearing on this website sooner or later. Wiseguys Vs. ZombiesInsane in the Brain, and my personal favorite, Die you Zombie Bastards!

So when it came to choosing today's feature, I decided to keep it simple and reverse the ratings listing. For those unaware, Netflix asks you to give movies a star rating after you watch them. Based on these scores, the service assigns potential ratings on movies in order to give you an idea of how much you'd like it. The more movies you review, the more accurate their predictions (according to their documentation). The first night I was a member, I rated 157 movies. Since then I've lost count.

You can then sort movies in sections based on their predicted rating, and when choosing movies, I tend to look in the 1-2 star area. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a 1/2 star movie.  The single lowest rated movie I could find on the site in the Zombie section.  In other words: pure gold.

Raiders of the Damned tells a tale in the post-apocalyptic wastelands of  the final days of World War III,  where an unleashed biochemical weapon rendered Earth a post-apocalyptic wasteland overrun by cannibalistic zombies. When a helicopter carrying a group of scientists - humanity's last hope for survival - crashes in zombie central, a military ops team led by Dr. Lewis ( played by Richard Grieco, from 21 Jump Street) is dispatched to rescue them. Now it's up to the only soldiers still alive to fight the bloodthirsty zombies for control of the planet - or die trying! The twist, according to the marketing materials for the movie, is that "Their bodies are rotting corpses, but their minds are still hideously alive!"

That's right, smart Zombies.

By now, the reasons for choosing this should be painfully obvious. However, if you still aren't sold, check this trailer-the only trailer that could be found-on Amazon.
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  • We’re 2 minutes away from Raiders of the Damned. I’ll admit, slightly afraid of this one. It’s rated lower than Bloodrayne…
  • Aww man! It’s “formatted to fit my TV”! Wait. Was this shot for television?
  • Oh yeah, THAT’s a rubber mask. We’re in for a treat!
  • Zombie Archers!
  • Zombie general holding an umbrella…giving ORDERS? YES!
  • What’s with the purple faced zombie? With a catapult! Are we sure this isn’t Army of Darkness?
  • Richard Grieco is giving the crazy scientist monologue. Giving exposition. Microsoft made the zombies with Windows 9x.
  • Oh, I’m sorry. AGENT 9x.
  • “Don’t judge us too harshly” In other words: “We’re sorry the script sucks”
  • I dare say the crazy Grieco is wearing Mascara.
  • Crazy Grieco has spontaneously generated a pair of glasses… and has a fur ball.
  • It seems as though he’s trying to be Brad Pitt from 12 Monkeys.
  • This Crenshaw dude, why do they always cut away from him when he talks? You never see his face when he speaks!
  • Hey! They showed him talking! At first I thought it was a style thing. Now I realize it’s just bad editing.
  • They need to find and execute the sound guy for this movie. He fails at little things, like audible dialogue. Or sound effects matching actions on screen
  • Oh, he’s given up now. People keep talking, no sound a -comin’ out of their mouths! Impressive!
  • Good lord, we get it already! They’re all misfits. You don’t need to show the recruitment (with accompanying long scene) of EACH ONE!
  • Now they’re looping repeating dialogue and pretending…wha… huh?
  • Ok, when captured scientist keeps laughing when she’s trying to be afraid? That’s not so good.
  • Seriously, I don’t think I can make fun of this. It actually aspires to be a “B”
    movie. No, never mind. A “C” movie.
  • When your team is half-female, you may want to think about the chauvinistic attitude.
  • The cinematographer is photographing chins. Never quite getting a person in frame. I’d think this was deliberate but…
  • Why does everyone have Katanas? Machete’s I’d understand. But KATANAS?
  • I can’t complain about the sound anymore. I mean, they had somebody off-camera coughing throughout all the dialogue on a scene.
  • Note: There was nobody else around in the scene. The coughing person was obviously someone on the crew.
  • Wait, your badass didn’t even make it to the first battle? She fell off a rope? REALLY?
  • Rather than having squibs, they use strobe lights. Yep. Quality entertainment.
  • Followed by randomly superimposing zombie puppets on the screen. Why did I subject myself to this again?
  • We are moments away from witnessing zombie sex. Yep. Real quality entertainment.
  • Aaaaaaand there we are!
  • And now they’re going with the First-person-shooter cam. How much time left in this movie again?
  • Wait, you can kill a zombie by breaking it’s neck? REALLY?
  • “I’ve never had use for catatonic women, but on you it’s a sexy look”-Ok, THAT was worthwhile!
  • He’s a “sniper”? With a machine gun? Dear god the movie just will NOT END!
  • Sorry to be all quiet here, but the movie has kinda stunned me stupid. I can feel my brain leaking slowly out my ear.
  • Now they want to be an action movie? With zombie kung fu? Ok. Yeah. Sure.
  • I’m willing to lay odds that mis catatonic USA is preggers with a zombie baby.
  • And she’s laughing when trying to be scared again. Fairly positive she slept with the director to get the role.
  • Why is it dead of night on one side of the wall, but broad daylight on the other? It’s a WALL, not a teleporter.
  • Wait, now it’s overcast??
  • And why is a soldier wearing press-on nails?
  • You know what? This movie didn’t make a lick of sense. The ending is just um.. yeah.
  • Well that was Raiders of the Damned. I am going to go shoot myself in the head now