Sleepwalkers

The Cavalcade of Schlock is full of kindness and generosity. You ask for Blaxploitation Nazis? We give you The Black Gestapo. You want Alien Sex Vampires? We present to you Lifeforce. So when our friends, Shortformblog.com asked for some cat love today as part of their “catstraviganza” event, we thought long and hard before agreeing, but eventually something wormed through and made us realize that we could help out with both of our missions with a special selection of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers, a film about horny vampiric werecats. Yes, you did indeed read that correctly: Horny. Vampiric. Werecats.

Based off an unpublished novel by the famous author, the movie tells the tale of the virginal Tanya Robertson, who’s going steady with Charles Brady, a hottie from school who just moved in from out of town. Of course, she doesn’t know yet that all Charles wants is her hot virgin lifeforce to feed to his starving mother-a lady with some very sweaty/unmotherly feelings towards her boy. Along the way the villains of the piece will: shapeshift into puma-people, turn invisible, have hot un-monkey-love, run screaming from house cats (their only weakness), and-oh yeah, that’s right-stab a local policeman to death with an ear of corn!

Corn: It's what's for dinner.

This is a seriously stupid and nonsensical picture, but it doesn’t make us love it any less, what with the sweaty incest complete with purple-light-generating-werekitty-love (no, that part of the story never does get old), and the flaming death by cat bites. There’s even a saucy dance number with a push broom! Lucky for us then that it’s a well directed clusterfuck of a story, with cool use of music and strong cinematography. It doesn’t beat around the bush either, leaping into the premise in less than 15 minutes.

Huh, all the sex and cats in the picture-and I didn’t make a single “Pussy” joke. I’m either slipping or maturing.