Brace yourselves for a startling revelation:

Twilight isn’t terrible. It’s not good, really, but it’s not terrible.

Director Catherine Hardwicke knows her way around the camera, and there is almost no green screen. Instead, she uses the gorgeous Pacific Northwest as backdrop, a very refreshing touch in this day an age. The acting is also quite good, but that’s really the worst part, because the main players are supposed to be teenagers and they do a damned fine job of acting annoying and naive.

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is the new girl in the small town of Forks, Wash., moving in with her dad (Billy Burke), and everyone already knows who she is, including mysterious and sexy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), i.e. the prettiest "girl" in school.

Bella sits next to Edward in her first biology class, so he freaks out and asks to have the class changed. Bella’s about to ask him what the hell his problem is, but he keeps her from getting crushed by a car. What’s going on? How did he do that? Why is he being such a jerk all the time?...Bella has herself a Google-based research montage, and figures out that Edward is a vampire, which solidly answers at least two of those questions. So they have a conversation like this:


BELLA: Snuggles?

EDWARD: RAWR!! *sparkles*


EDWARD: I are teh bad guy. . .

BELLA: So, how 'bout them snuggles?

This goes on in various levels of subtlety until they decide to start dating.

Everyone around Swan tells her, "That Cullen boy is no good;" including Jacob Black, a local member of the  First Nations who gets in teenage boy glowering contests with Edward whenever they meet.

While all this teen angst silliness has been going on, another group of vampires have been killing people in the area around Forks. One of them bears more than a passing resemblance to Brad Pitt and decides it’s time to hunt Bella after he interrupts the Cullen Family baseball game. I think because he’s an idiot, he believes he’ll get away with trying to kill this girl on his own when there’s a “family” of seven vampires protecting her.

Brad Pitt Lite tricks Bella into meeting him alone and tortures her by breaking her fibula with the hope of driving Edward into a rage. Edward and the rest of the Cullens show up, tear him apart, burn him and save Bella.

She wakes up in the hospital, and they go to prom. That’s pretty much it, really. Nothing in this movie is terribly hurried, which is actually kind of nice when so many other movies are crammed to the gills with characters and subplots within subplots.

Really, the chief offense of this movie is draining the life, pun intended, out of some of the oldest monsters in history. I'm not really sure why we need another Vampire/Human love story, as it's been done with more gore or more heart in so many other places.

That being said, Twilight is so self-serious it BEGS for Cavalcade. Between the weird subtext of a 100+ year-old having a romantic relationship with a seventeen-year-old, and the oceans of internet hype for and against it, this movie will definitely entertain anyone who has a few drinks and has seen Bram Stoker's Dracula .

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