Here’s the third and final part of the Tom’s tour through Clive Barker’s Books of Blood :  The 2000s!

The new millennium has seen an almost renaissance of splatter-punk and overall exciting horror films.  Lower production costs and, more importantly, cheaper distribution methods have given way to a resurgence of gore-film marketability.  While some may view this situation as an over-saturated market, it does allow for more higher quality horror films to sneak through the tidal wave of direct-to-video trash.  Such are the three Barker films adapted in this first decade.  Though all three were intended to have (and to a tiny degree had) theatrical releases, most audiences have seen them on the small screen.

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

The first “real” story of The Books of Blood (as explained below) is the magnificently titled “The Midnight Meat Train.”  Let’s take a moment to reflect on how incredible this title is.

Okay, moving on.

Leon Kaufman falls asleep one night on a New York subway only to be awakened by a man who has killed, butchered, and hung several of Kaufman’s fellow New Yorkers on meat hooks!  I know the New York transit system is dangerous but this is beyond Bernie Goetz’s worst nightmare.  The butcher, Mahogany, (again with the incredible names) discovers Kaufman’s presence and a life and death struggle ensues with more at stake than is immediately apparent.

To tell you anymore would be to spoil one of the better endings and twists a short horror story can take.  And to be honest, at this point in this series of articles, you guys should have gone out and bought and/or borrowed a copy of these books already.  If you haven’t yet, go forth and procure a copy and join the rest of us for the discussion of the film.

In 2008, Ryuhei Kitamura (of Godzilla: Final Wars fame) brought the story to film with exceptional results.  Bradley Cooper and Vinnie Jones star as our hero and villain.  With this particular adaptation, Kitamura had a story problem even worse than stretching the length of the film to a feature running time:  why would Kaufman keep going back into the subway every night when he knows Mahogany is waiting to kill him and everyone else.  You remember Schlock Horror Movie Rule #3, right?  Here, Kaufman is now a photographer on the verge of breaking into the big time if he can just get that one great shot.  Foolishly, he thinks he’s found his ticket when he finds Mahogany.

Worthy of special note is Vinnie Jones as Mahogany.  Jones has impressed us before with his performances in Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but here, with hardly any dialog, he creates a malevolent force.  With body language reminiscent of Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers, Jones adds a reserved quality to Mahogany, inkeeping with the short story and unnerving on the screen.

Kitamura brings a solid visual look to the film with his inventive camera movements, color palette, and astounding amount of gore.  There is a surprising body count for a Barker film, with death scenes that are almost too painful to watch.  Combine this with great performances and a solid story, I will put it out there that The Midnight Meat Train is the best Clive Barker-based film since Candyman.

Book of Blood (2009)

As referenced above, “The Midnight Meat Train” is the first real story in the BoB series.  However, “The Book of Blood” serves as a short framing device for the entire series.  It is also the shortest story.

A paranormal researcher named Mary Florescu has hired a psychic medium to help unravel the secrets of a haunted house.  Unfortunately for Florescu, her medium, Simon McNeal, is actually a con man.  Unfortunately for McNeal, the house really is haunted, and the dead are more than a little frustrated with McNeal’s shenanigans.  The disembodied spirits take their revenge by inscribing their tales of woe directly onto McNeal’s flesh, thus creating the series of stories in the Books of Blood.

John Harrison combined this with the final story coda “On Jerusalem Street” to create 2009’s Book of Blood.  The film follows both stories fairly closely.  Adding back story when necessary to flesh out the film to feature length.  Unfortunately, it’s just not that exciting.

Nor should it be.  The short story upon which it is based isn’t really meant to exist on its own.  It’s there to set all of the other stories in motion, and since this film exists alone, it doesn’t even set up the other movies.

That said, the high points of the story are captured perfectly.  It’s just that there are only about three of them.  The most prominent being when the dead exert their will upon the haunted house, unzip reality, and horrifically mutilate our fake psychic.  This scarification leads to a truly fascinating visual gimmick: McNeal’s scarred skin is constantly being rewritten.  New texts are perpetually carving themselves onto this poor bastard with no end in sight.  It’s disturbing.

Unfortunately, these moments and visuals are few and far between.  The bulk of the film plays like an episode of Ghost Hunters with a few character moments and sex scenes almost thrown-in after the fact.

Dread (2009)

BoB Vol. 2 features a story about that one guy you hang out with who, on the third or fourth round of drinks, takes whatever philosophical debate you’ve been having just a little too far.  Thinking of that friend now?  Good, now imagine if he/she were bat-s*** crazy.  “Dread” is the story of how Stephen Grace met Quaid, and how Quaid drove everyone he knew insane.  Literally.  Quaid wants to get to the heart of-you guessed it-dread.  Why we feel it and, more importantly, how we can overcome it.  Not relying on his usual graphic visuals, Barker builds suspense by revealing, little by little, the lengths to which Quaid will go to get the answers he so desperately needs.  This includes trapping people in rooms filled with their worst fears, watching to see if they overcome them, or succumb with disastrous results.

(Aside: Interestingly, while watching this film, one realizes that, in a way, Barker presupposed the “torture porn” genre of horror, i.e. films like Saw, Hostel, Captivity, etc.  In most horror films, the goal of the “killer” is simply to kill; they’ve gotten more creative as audiences have gotten more jaded.  Whereas, with torture porn, the goal is to watch the victims suffer for ninety minutes and then die, if they’re lucky.)

The film follows much of the same plot, but with addition of a film project to justify their experiments instead of Quaid simply having odd extracurricular activities.  This aspect helped fix the “SNL Problem,” by adding filler interviews with prospective dread sufferers.  However, I think this may have hurt the film overall as there is now a sizable chunk of “not a lot happening” between the beginning and the end of the film.  On the bright side, the characters are fleshed out better than most horror films, though some are developed in a similar fashion to the later Nightmare on Elm Street films: one prominent characteristic which is used against them with horrific results.

My only real complaint comes from a original story-versus-film perspective.  In the book, the portrayal of Quaid was a slow revealing of the depths of his insanity.  The film goes the opposite route by letting the audience in on how crazy Quaid is from the start.  As a result, not only is the mystery and suspense undercut, as the audience knows it’s only a matter of time before he flips out and hurts people. As such, I became a little impatient waiting for the inevitable bloodbath to begin.  Not helping matters is Shaun Evans portrayal of Quaid as something of a whiny twerp.  (I know he’s English but couldn’t someone have told him how to hold a baseball bat like an American?)  However, these complaints are minor.

The End?

Out of the 30 stories in the Books of Blood, only 9 have been adapted for the screen.  Currently, only one more is in some form of development: “Pig Blood Blues,” the story of overly violent prep school hijinks. There’s more than enough material to make at least 9 more films or better yet, a cable horror anthology.  If anything happens, rest assured, we’ll be here to tell you all about it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the Cavalcade’s look at the films of one of the more prominent horror voices of our generation.  For those of you more familiar with the BoB series, which stories do you think would make a good feature?  Let us know in the comments section and keep the discussion going.

For the rest of Tom’s look into the Books of Blood: Part 1 and Part 2 are in our archives.

After the smash success that was Event 22: Video Games, we’re ready to roll on through to the other side with 3 fantastic options for the next great party!

Action: Bloodsports

Gamer (2009) : Our bridging movie is also the closest we’ve come to a theatrical release. In the near-future, humans can control other humans in mass-scale, multi-player online gaming environments, a star player from a game called “Slayers” looks to regain his independence while taking down the game’s mastermind.

Rollerball (2002): It is the year 2005. The new sport of Rollerball, an extraordinarily violent extension of roller derby involving motorcycles, a metal ball, and many trappings of the World Wrestling Federation-is hugely popular. This is a remake of a 1975 cult classic and it…well…is spectacular in its suckitude.

Alternates: The Running Man (1987), The Condemned (2007),

Sci-Fi: Future Cops

Virtuosity (1995): Some of the most A-list talent we’ve ever had in a feature…well, before one of the was “A-list.” A virtual villain’s successful attempt to escape into the “real world,” SID 6.7, the villain program (Russell Crowe), is eventually transplanted into an android body and escapes. A reinstated police officer played by Denzel Washington, is given the chance to catch him.

Judge Dredd (1995): An adaptation of the UK Comic that takes place in a dystopian future, Dredd (Sylvester Stallone), the most famous judge (a cop with instant field judiciary powers) is convicted for a crime he did not commit while his murderous counterpart escapes.

Alternates: Split Second (1992), Runaway (1984)

Horror: Virtual Reality

Apparently, computers still scare people, because they keep making horror movies about the dangers of the internet, computers, and VR. Hell, does anybody even develop VR stuff anymore?

Ghost Machine (2009) : A special forces cadet (Rachael Taylor), a professional gamer, a security guard, and two computer techs battle a vengeful spirit that has infected their stolen military software.

Brainscan (1994): A teenager (Edward Furlong) is part of an interactive video game where he kills innocent victims. Later, the murders become real. Goretastic!

Alternates: Lawnmower Man (1992), Mindwarp (1992)

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How do you fight undead robbers?  With undead cops, of course!

Treat Williams plays L.A. police detective Roger Mortis (No, really, that’s his name) with partner Doug Bigelow (Joe Piscopo!) as they investigate why they can’t seem to kill the bad guys as effectively as they used to.  These investigations lead them to Dante Laboratories, which has developed a process for resurrecting the dead for twelve hours.  After a losing fight with the fattest zombie this side of Zombieland, Mortis is killed.  But, then brought back to life by his coroner ex-girlfriend (Clare Kirkconnell) and the most user-friendly resurrection machine ever.  Now, Mortis has twelve hours to solve the case and avenge his own death in a Hawaiian shirt.

Written by Terry Black , Shane’s brother, Dead Heat has a similar action/comedy feel to his brother’s Lethal Weapon, but with zombies.  And such zombies they are!  The opening jewelry store heist features two punk zombie robbers wearing BDSM leather masks!  (Their safe word is “Braaaaaaiiiiinnnnnssssss.”)

But this is nothing compared to the undead hijinks that occur at a Chinese restaurant.  You know all the dead ducks that are hanging in the window?  Or the pigs?  Or the sides of beef?  Yeah.  Good times.  Wait, no, I mean gross times.  Very, very gross.  How do you kill zombie animals with no heads?

Throughout, Williams grounds the whole movie with the ability to take anything that is thrown at him seriously.  The man is not phased by anything.  This is a valuable skill when Joe Piscopo (with an 80s mullet) is delivering some of the best wise-ass remarks in the history of motion pictures.  Watching this film, it’s hard to understand why Piscopo did not fare better in Hollywood.  The man is a scream.  Especially during an exchange with Williams that shows the deep, profundity of cross-dressing jokes between two partners.  Police partners, I mean.  Heterosexual police partners, I mean.  You get the idea.

Added into the mix are performances by the always entertaining Vincent Price(!), Darren McGavin, Keye Luke , and Robert Picardo.  These appearances are almost cameos but they’re all memorable.

In fairness, the movie does play more like it was made for TV, as opposed to a big budget feature but I think this adds to its charm.  Similar to Creepshow .  Dead Heat is a great little horror flick to enjoy on a Saturday afternoon.

An “Olyphant” never forgets…especially when you brutally murder every person he knows in the town he’s sworn to protect!

Timothy Olyphant plays Sheriff David Dutton as he struggles to escape the formerly peaceful town of Ogden Marsh with his wife, played by the always intense Radha Mitchell, and his faithful deputy, Joe Anderson, after the remaining citizens have gone, you guessed it, CRAZY-in Breck Eisner’s remake of George Romero’s The Crazies (1973).  The madness is the result of an Army cargo plane carrying biowarfare toxins crashing into Ogden Marsh’s local water supply.  Having not seen the original, this review will be focused on Eisner’s film alone, and I’m not “crazy” about it.

I promise that’s the last “crazy” pun.

Eisner’s competent direction demonstrates the All-American qualities of Ogden Marsh early in the picture, making the initial Crazies incidents all the more disturbing, particularly when a man walks into the outfield of the local High School’s opening baseball game with a loaded shotgun.  Eisner’s wisely plays up the “This sort o’ s*** don’t happen here” factor, as a local farmer burns his family alive in their home.  An almost throw away moment of old-school bureaucratic incompetence occurs when Dutton, having learned the threat is in the water supply and wants to shut it off temporarily, is rebuffed by the Mayor (John Aylward), as it would be bad for the farming business.

The film contains quite a few genuine scares in addition to the above-mentioned baseball field and farmhouse, making particularly good use of sound effects to build tension in a key sequence. You will never go into a carwash with the same feeling of comfort and safety again.  Or at the very least, you will not be so frustrated with a bad buffing job after you see how angry the attendants could get.

The Crazies themselves are less than memorable.  These are not zombies, vampires, monsters, or any other form of undead creature.  They are your friends and neighbors that have gotten very sick.  They reminded me of the villagers in early sections of Resident Evil 4 : sickly and homicidal, but not particularly exciting.  At least not until the end, when our heroes accidently blunder into the Redneck Crazies secret “Lair of Yuck.”  But even these Rednecks didn’t want the Duttons to squeal like pigs, they just wanted to eat them.

Ironically the most disturbing imagery had nothing to do with the titular Crazies, but with the U.S. Army.  Having discovered the location of their downed aircraft, the Army rounds up everyone in Ogden Marsh in the middle of the night, forces them onto buses, takes them to a camp where they are poked, prodded, tested, separated from their loved ones, and not told anything about what is going on.  After this, the driving push of the film is escaping the town… which involves a lot of walking.

Lord of the Rings-level walking.

The film drags here. Not because it’s too long, but because there’s too little actually going on-and what does occur is not particularly threatening. When the Army is ready to kill everyone in a 60 mile radius, random crazy people are just not as daunting a threat.

With the exception of a truly remarkable example of the “Will to Win” by Olyphant, the second half of the film drags to its predictable conclusion complete with sequel setup.  But, if there’s a second film, the Duttons’ “are never gonna survive, unless [they] get a little….”

Ok. I lied. One more pun.